finally: a decision

New York or Vorarlberg? I have finally - finally - made my decision and I tell you it is liberating to know what to do. I am not sure why or how it happened that I stopped guessing what would be the best next step but I can tell you it was a process that took many many weeks...if not months.

The final decision I made on my last day at the job. I made sure it was final by writing an unmistakable final good-bye e-mail to my colleagues at work. I don't know if I have blogged this but I was actually in line for a newsphotographer job at the local paper here. There are many reasons I withdrew my official application with that mail (I BCC-ed the chief of photography) but one of them was that I felt like I was settling for mediocrity in my trade. HAH, my trade... photography isn't my trade (yet) ...it is my passion...so I find it amusing how snobby I am in this matter. This could also have been a great chance to get into the field. You don't just apply to become a photojournalist you have to work your way there. This could have been my first step but honestly, I think, it wouldn't have done my work (i.e. style) too good. The local paper here has certain standards of what photographs they like to print. The main problem is, I suppose, that the journalist picks the photos...when there should be a photo-editor.

I did a few gigs for them, though. And all my colleagues (it is the same building I worked in) kept putting in words of praise for me (as I was told on my interview with the chief of photography), and I must say it was fun to do these shoots .... BUT ...ach you know what..never mind...I am rambling here ....and there is nothing worse than a rambling blog.

So, ....don't think I have officially announced the decision, yet:
We are moving back to New York City.

I am not sure, whether this is the right decision or not but it feels like it is the way it should be. My father always says, a right decision is something you can feel. You just feel lighter afterwards.

I regret nothing, though. I am glad we made this move, although financially it has set us back immensely. I learned a lot, I worked hard, we saw a lot, strengthened our family ties, and rediscovered the values of a simpler life, an evironmental consciousness, kindness to strangers, and more self-initiative.
I spent time refreshing good old friendships, and build a strong new one.
I learned to have more patience but most of all I learned to live without regrets. Things turned out so difficult here for us (or me, mostly...the one who seemed to carry all the responsibilty) I realized, there is absolutely no point in pondering about the "woulda-shouldas" (would haves and should haves) .

There is a sadness that comes with this decision, too.
Most difficult, I find leaving my friends, my parents (even though, their messed up relationships with their "new" mates cast a shadow on us, as well), and this closeness to nature.
I guess, I will also miss the courtesy of the people and the spinkin'-spank (spelling??!) clean streets. People just don't throw anything on the streets here. Oh, and I will miss our fire-place (NOT the cold apartment that made me have to use it all-year-round), and the ease of family-activities.
Sounds like I am writing a tourist brochure here....


two days ago...coming down from sledding on The Boedele


Nayla up on The Boedele (15 min. from us)


A Welcome Back message to Maia from one of the neighborhood kids.


I think I might have a mid-life crisis, by the way.
Or maybe it is just another version of my ongoing identity crisis. ;)
Another one suffering under my crisis is Dario.... he is getting a lot of "bitchin'" and much less "mama" from me lately.
Well, what do you want from me. We are going on 11 years together.
That's just not normal. ;)
No, but seriously.... I really could use a break. And he is not even being bad.
I am sure he wouldn't mind getting me out of his life for a little bit, either. I am just on his case, all the time.
But for now,....we are still trying to blame it all on PMS.

Before I go, another book-tip. ......... another? when have I given any booktips? Well, anyway...this one is keeping me up at night lately (this and the fact that I am still jetlagging badly) it is another Jodi Picoult novel. I've read "Vanishing Acts" in the summer and loved it.
Now I am reading "The Tenth Circle" and it is just excellently written. Took me a moment to get into the story but she just writes so damn well that is easy to get totally involved into just about any scenario.

heavy dreams...

my dreams are very vivid lately.

I had one dream yesterday in which I found myself in yet another very narrow underground labyrinth but this time I had entered these canalization-like tunnels navigating two ships. Don't ask me how I navigated two ships, ask me which ships.
I dreamt I was trying to get through (to the free beautiful ocean?) with the two main ships of the Austrian side of the lake of Constance (very nearby). Their names are "Vorarlberg" and "Austria". Talk about symbolism. ;)

Anyway, I got stuck. Hopelessly stuck. There was no way for me to get through. So I had to return to the dark city that lay behind me. Dark because night had fallen (can u say that in English?), and dark because no matter where I turned, I saw people doing wrong or having wrong being done to them. I wasn't afraid just worried about everyone. Worried about their paths, their situation, everything.
Somebody got shot next to me, I ran to their help annoyed with this senseless violence. I called the police. And from then on it was just me walking through this devastated place trying to rescue people.

hmmmm.....



My dream of today was a litte more self-involved. I dreamt I was back in NYC...somewhere by the Flatiron building. I wasn't too excited to be back,...all I noticed was how little nature there was and how much it was missing.
Then I looked down and I had a notebook in my hand. I mean a minilaptop of some sort and it started playing a movie. It was like a student-movie, really cool, and I realized that I had made this thing a long time ago. I watched the whole thing and thought,...wow this is good. I made a movie and it doesn't suck...I could actually submit this to a film-school and maybe get in!

I cannot tell you the disappointment when I woke up shortly after only to find out I had not made any such movie and that all my creative endeavors where still just loose matter in my head somewhere, and saddest of all, ..no ..I won't be back in the film-business. ;)

nostalgic breakdowns

It was only natural that I was crying when I cancelled my final interview with the ICP-Bard admissions committee last week, however, the reason for my nervous breakdown in front of the dairy section of Stop & Shop a few days ago brought my attention to some apparently much deeper sadness about my plans to leave my life here in New York. Nevertheless, I blamed the stress, got myself together and moved on to the juice isle.

This morning, however, I woke up once again with a heavier heart - aware that the days until our departure are now in the single digits. When I then checked my admissions status at SVA I almost came to tears again .... and I was only navigating through the site. I am just becoming very aware of what I am letting go here. A creative endeavor I have always dreamed of....

But I am getting over it. This whole move is for the better, I believe.
For the better of the family ...and that is what should be my first priority anyway.

I am going to miss my friends.
I am going to miss New York.
But it's gonna be alright.
I hope.

Hey, I'm allowed to be a bit nostalgic here, am I not?!