how will this go on?

I've decided I need to get back to my roots with this blog.
It's become way too serious and way too depressive. And OMG, the drama (btw. I am not pregnant...HALLELUJA, Thank you GOD!)

anyway, what do I mean with roots?
I mean light-hearted daily anekdotes and completely irrelevant thought processes.

today. let's do a "MLee sez" (MLee is my 5-year old and I used to write down a lot of all the funny stuff she said).

ML: Mami, ...can God hear everything we say?
me: yes.
ML: even in the car?
me: yes.
ML: why?
me: uhm.....be-cauuuse... God is everywhere.
ML: everywhere? even inside my body?
me: yeah, somehow. it's kind of hard to describe. God is everywhere because he made everything. He made you and me, and the plants, the planets, the universe ... or at least, he initiated other processes to make these things happen. anyway, main thing to remember is that God loves you... he loves everyone and everything he created...
ML: even Jupiter?
me: ehm...yes..in a way, I suppose. ......and....all he asks of us is to try to be good people. and that's not always going to be easy. sometimes doing the right thing is really hard. but all he asks is that we try... as hard as we can.
ML: are you thinking what I'm thinking?
me: what are you thinking?
ML: I am thinking that I will try to be a really good person.
me: great idea. :)
ML: God is invisible, right?
me: yes. but you can feel God.
ML: I can see God, you know.
me: oh, really?
ML: yes, he is sitting right next to me.
me: (thinking: so God is a 'he', hm?) what does he look like?
ML: he is wearing a red shirt, white pants, a green hat, and silver shoes.
me: hmm..... sounds like God is lacking a sense of style. (worrying whether this counts as blasphemy I add): I sure hope God has a sense of humor. .... well, I guess, he must have...considering how ironic and funny life can be sometimes.
......
ML: you know, I figured out where God lives.
me: really?
ML: yes, he lives in a big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, (burp), big, big mountain. and there is a door in it.
me: aha. so what does he do there all day?
ML: I don't know what he does but that's where he lives.

-------------
ahh, it feels good to pass on some good thoughts, attitudes, and beliefs about life and God on to your offspring. reality, self-questioning, and God doubts will come soon enough ..and then they'll need some foundation to work with. I just think, ....it's good to believe in God. Combine it with a healthy sense of science, rationality, and doubt and you've got something to work with.
I am not a big fan of religion or any kinds of groupings for that matter but I feel that some sort of faith, spirituality, or belief in something more and higher than our lives is essential.

(does it sound like my last sentence is missing something? could be. I am just drawing a total blank right now. and it's actually early... still I am sleep-deprived.... well, hope to be back with more trivial entries soon. after all, if I were to write about what is really going on in my life at the moment, I'd probably have some sort of nervous-breakdown. somehow, I don't feel like I should be writing about these so deeply personal things on a blog anymore. no matter how anonymous I try to make this thing.)

PLEASE, not now!!!

My God, ..I am so nervous….
I am tired all the time, a very strange period (very very light) has set in even though I just had one about 2 or 3 weeks ago (and I am usually on time or about a week late)….but worst of all: I am suddenly craving lemony sodas (ginger ale, sprite, etc. – ok. ginger ale isn’t lemon but fresh like lemon) instead of my usual favorites (coke and pepsi). AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH….this is what happened when I got pregnant with MLee and Nini. (Also, with Nini I had a full period even though I was already pregnant ...and before it showed up in the results.)

I CAN’t be pregnant…I can’t!!!!! Not NOW!!! It is my turn now….I wanna finally do something for myself…go back to SCHOOL...change careers…get back to my passions.
Do I sound selfish?

Shit.
Ok. Wahrscheinlich alles nur stress-related….or post-stress I should say..since the real stress is over (Jan and Feb. were probably the worst ever in that dept.). Elizabeth says it could take a while until stress symptoms show.

Shoot. I just slept most of the day..and I am tired again (or still?).
This is not good. Not good. But what if I am not pregnant….am I sick then?…or is it really just the stress? Unfortunately, I have no health insurance to find out (i.e. go to a doctor). This should be a reminder NOT ever to assign important tasks to my husband - aka Mr. Follow-up-what-is-that? (e.g. getting health insurance for the family).

This isn’t possible anyway. Is it?
D is getting a kick out of it (but really, I think, he is scared as hell).

I am not a good pregnant woman, I tell you. I suck at being pregnant. I really don’t like it.
Also, I am soo over the whole baby crap. I really want a BREAAAAK! It is just now – finally – getting a bit easier with the girls.

Can you tell I have been pretty overworked with the whole parenting thing in the past 5 years? ;)

Heidi is pregnant by the way!!! :D
I get really happy when other women get pregnant.

back in nyc

i am sitting here. in my mother in law's house. not separated or divorced, yet.
we are still sleeping on a full-sized bed (the four of us) and I am dying to sleep in a position in which my feet are not sticking out half way over the edge of the mattress.
well, at least our boxes have arrived and we have begun to unpack. maybe we can even move into our place this weekend. let's see.
the last week i have spent playing terminator...no wait...exterminator... the condition these dead-beat tenants have left our place in has really been unimaginably filthy.
besides going to war with the roaches I have been busy researching schooling options for MLee.
Rosa convinced me to get her tested for one of those Gifted and Talented Programs, for which she needs to score with an IQ of 120 and over to be accepted. At first I was a bit sceptical but after visiting the school for a tour I lost my doubts. It would be great for her to go to school there. Let's see how she does on that test.
I also like our neighborhood schools. Unfortunately, we are not zoned for them so we are going to have to move, for there is no way I am sending my kid to the school we are zoned for. I'd rather home-school her then.
I would love to just send her to that public school nearby. It is such a friendly place and I think MLee would do just fine there.
Is it wrong to consider convenience when picking schools? That darn Gifted and Talented program is quite a drive from where we live. ...well, 15 min. but still....do that every morning...with traffic...and after that drop off Nini...I won't be able to have a job...

ugh. my writing sucks today.
i gotta get back into the habit.

separation anxieties

so, didn`t i just recently say how i would be just fine with separating (or something like that)? well, let`s see about that.

it looks like D is in the same mood as I am (not feeling too happy in our marriage), which in a way is good, for it is at least a sign that we are on the same page but, of course, it also sucks, for this means the danger of (possibly permanent) separation is much more imminent. :( ..... It also means that one of us has to step forward and be responsible. One of us has to put emotions and frustrations aside and say, well then...we know we have problems...let`s work on them. That someone will be (is) me, like usual.
I guess, that is also the predestined task of a woman. Apparently our brains are hard-wired for this kind of stuff (keeping the community - i.e. the relationship - together).
Sigh.

I am so confused and scared.
There is so much sorrow and so much pain, and yet, so much recognition of the inevitability of it all - I am not sure how to deal with it.

I am relatively stoic - given the fact that D and I agreed to separate today. In fact, he said he would rather just divorce right away (which, I assume is the asshole in him talking). I said, if the last 12 years meant anything to him he should at least try all options to work on this relationship. But to only stay together for the kids is pointless .... I think, it just doesn`t make a difference when we separate ..it will suck for them either way. If anything, it might be easier now.

I didn`t want this to happen.
I never believed in never-ending relationships but in our case I had hope, for some reason. To love someone and to be loved back equally is not to be taken for granted, my mother once told me.

I am so sad ...but I haven`t broken down just, yet.
Well, that's not entirely true. Silent tears were running down my face this afternoon, when I made my way out of the rain and into a church. I am not Christian (in fact, I was raised Muslim) but in my worst times I always find an empty church a comforting place to talk to God.
It doesn`t matter where you connect ...it just matters that you do. And without religion it is even harder to find that place.
Nature is a good environment to pray but I am usually in a city, so ... churches work, too. Any house of God, I suppose.

....

disturbing self-realizations and promising resolutions

It is slightly disturbing how much I enjoy my time off at the moment (last week before I, too, return to NYC. Almost all chores of closing up shop in Austria I finished on Sunday. Now I am in Vienna for the last few days before my flight back. It´s inspiring - and a little depressing, I admit - to see all my artsy friends ...all of whom are either doing music, theater or film.)

I mean, I miss my kids (and even D) but I am really o.k. with this unexpected time for myself. Complete serenity. No three constantly talking mouths. If it isn’t one of the kids it is D and I am taking way too little time for myself to be able to handle this kind of bombardment very well. I love them all very much and I would love to hold them and touch them and be near them but I need to find a way to create balance for myself.

Since divorce really isn’t the best option, although having such set rules and fixed times off sounds like an excellent structure to guarantee this much-needed time to myself (- he takes kids one week, I take them the next).
But yeah, yeah…I realize this isn’t a great way to go and I am not sure how the girls would like this scenario. On the other hand, ..I think, they would have two much happier parents….although, can’t be sure about that either. I would probably miss D to death.

Tina says that Eva says to just deal with it. Men are just like that, they are like that and it isn’t going to change. So just deal with it and focus on the good…and try to find a way to make it work. Tina says she will try to cut back on her career (not work f/t) and thus be able to take care of all the household stuff she has to take care of regardless if she is working f/t or not. By only having a p/t job, however, she thinks there will be less stress and less resentment towards Zotto, who just isn’t able to keep up with her (in terms of household and kids).

I love my girls and I want to try to make this marriage work. I will give my best. And because I love D, we have a chance. Hope he still loves me, too.

Anyway, here are my resolutions. Call them New Year’s resolutions if you will. I shall call them “make marriage work with sisi’s happiness/balance project”…which messes with my plural used in the beginning of the sentence.

1.) start working out

2.) leave for a walk around the block if overwhelmed and cabin-feverish

3.) go out on trips (park, whatever) with just one kid at a time (if D refuses to come)

4.) go rollerblading in the city once or twice a month (maybe join that group – see Time Out NY)

5.) start acting again (at any College will do just fine) …if accepted to Photo program for the fall then not doing the acting thing is o.k.

6.) Realize your creative visions (or at least write them down, dammit!!)


I would like to write down a bunch of other things on that list right now but then I might overwhelm myself. Well, let me write them down as an alternate list of points to pick from (for balance creating purposes).

- Start horse-back riding again

- Take a yoga-class

- Take a vacation by yourself once a year (something with horse-back riding or snorkeling). Maybe join those ya-yah sisterhood ladies that go to the beach with horses once a year…”something something sisters”…what are they called?

- Exhibit your photographs or joint venture projects. Doesn’t matter where or how u do it ….just do it. Just do something! (again, write down these ideas of yours!)

- Go out with D once a month (at least) – do something different together (bicycling, concert, guided tour, exhibit, soup kitchen, etc.)

- Take family (day) trips outside the city (get book)

- Go to a LIVE concert or a play once a month!

- Girls night out – once a month! (combine maybe with above point)

- Apply for photo jobs (freelance …for NYT, etc.?!)

To be continued

…there are an awful lot of things I am planning to do once a month…somebody do the math for my reality check. ;)

no it isn't my last entry

the last post was just to say goodbye to my old URL. this is my last attempt of trying to blog somewhat anonymously. truth is i need to write...and somebody needs to read it. why? i do not know. all i know is that I would like to be this person someone I have never met and will never meet. this is what makes it possible for me to write as openly as possible.

ok. now... here i am. sitting in the middle of a half empty room. the bed is gone. the closet has been broken down. clothes are strewn around the house. the movers have picked up our boxes on saturday and we have been emptying out the rest since then. here (in austria) you have to paint the apartment before you give it back to the landlord, so that's going to be my afternoon project. the car isn't sold, yet, and i think i got jerked by the car-dealer when he sold it to me (way too expensive and possibly being an accident vehicle). story of my life.

i am reading Paul Auster's Brooklyn Follies at the moment and there is a passage in which he mentions a troubling story of the Bible (well, ok..they are all kinda troubling...but this one I haven't been able to let go, since I came across it..).

" I was such a moral, upright little person back then. I never lied, never stole, never cheated, never said a cruel word to anyone. And there's Esau, a galumphing simpleton just like me. By all rights, Isaac's blessing should be his. But Jacob tricks him out of it - with his mother's help, no less."
"Even worse, God seems to approve of the arrangement. The dishonest, double-crossing Jacob goes on to become the leader of the Jews, and Esau is left out in the cold, a forgotten man, a worthless nobody."
"My mother always taught me to be good. 'God wants you to be good', she'd say to me, and since I was still young enough to believe in God, I believed what she said. Then I came across that story in the Bible and I didn't understand a thing. The bad guy wins, and God doesn't punish him. It didn't seem right. It still doesn't seem right."

"Of course it does. Jacob had the spark of life in him, and Esau was a dumbbell. Good-hearted, yes, but a dumbbell. If you're going to choose one of them to lead your people, you'll want the fighter, the one with cunning and wit, the one with energy to beat the odds and come out on top. You choose the strong and clever over the weak and kind." (p.53/54)

According to this sh*t I am weak, for I am definitely that kind idiot.
I have to go read the original now (well, not now...cause now I should go paint) but I will check the source and see, whether I agree with the above interpretation (or conclusions) of the story.

farewell ....and excerpt of my letter to Maia

this will be my last post here. farewell to my readers and thanks for the ones who always came back. problem is that - even though there are 80 million blogs out there, mine seems to - repeatedly - be found and identified by people I know and if you have been reading my blog for a while then you know that I would like to remain anonymous. after all, this is a vent for all my bitch energy...and I don't want it to affect any of the people mentioned in it - namely, Dario (as much as he drives me crazy sometimes). so,..thanks for checking in. there is plenty of old stuff to read (the first entry on this blog even refers to my very first blog - ...i see a pattern here..).
well, chances are I would have started to repeat myself now anyway.

here now my last post. maia is all recovered now, btw. (she/we spent two weeks in the hospital)

wrote this in the hospital. it is part of an ongoing letter I am writing to Maia (whenever I have time). Maia is turning five
January 7, 2007 1:30am

I am sitting here next to you while you are sleeping. We are in the hospital because you have pneumonia and weren’t able to keep down the prescribed antibiotics. Every time we administered them you threw it back up (together with the little food you had eaten.) By the end of the day (Friday – before yesterday) you were so weak, your grandfather (the doctor in the family) ordered us to take you to the hospital immediately. You were brought back to your strength with an IV (full of nutrition) but you had to stay here to receive the antibiotics intravenously, as well. I stayed the night and the morning while your dad came for the afternoon into the early evening. Nayla is not allowed on this floor because you are in the infectious disease ward for kids – nice, huh? ;)

Anyway, this is your second night. If we were in the US right now this would probably cost us thousands of Dollars – but we are still here in Austria and it is all part of the free health insurance.
However, as great as the social net might be here (education is free, too…that’s gonna hurt once you go to college – and you BETTER go to college!;) ) we are still planning to return to New York City. It’s a long story but to make it short: I have no more job (first I quit, took it back, but then we actually separated in consensual terms), the tenants in our NY apartment are still not paying, and we are out of options (i.e. money).
We were in NY for a few days over x-mas (you and I), for I had to go to court because of the tenant issue (unfortunately, the judge dismissed the case due to a formality and we have to start all over again, trying to get these people, who are feeding off of our savings, out of our house.) Anyway, you loved being back at your old school and seeing your old friends, so I think (hope) you’ll be happier growing up in the U.S.

Just do me one favor, darling …. Please, please don’t become one of them. What do I mean by that? I mean, please don’t become a statistic. Please don’t become the "average"(?) teenage girl, driven by superficiality and the pressure of what other kids might think of her; who gives sex as if it doesn’t matter at all, who has no self-esteem and doesn’t consider oral sex – well, sex, who cuts herself, tries any drug because everyone else is or who lies as if it were an athletic discipline.

I highly doubt that you will be any of these things, for you are already very defined in who you will be – a strong, sweet, very smart and independent woman. However, I did want to bring to your attention of what fears I carry around with me already (and you are not even five, yet). What I have to remember, and you, too, is also that…NO MATTER WHAT….I will always love you. But, I tell you one thing: honesty is one of my most highly valued principles and that will really always win you the big plus points.

I am probably not supposed to tell you this (especially, since I have no idea when I will be giving you this letter) but just so that you know, I have also been young once and I have learned some things the hard way (or sometimes, I just got lucky….and not everyone can be lucky all the time, so I’d prefer you’d be smarter than I).
One of the worst things I probably ever did was to have unprotected sex. “Just got carried away in the moment” (and mind you, I was 19 already, when I lost my virginity).
Giving in because there is no condom available at the moment is probably THE DUMBEST thing you could do, for the consequences are life-changing. I realized this afterwards, when I was scared to death about pregnancy (your grandmother got pregnant when she was 15 - granted she was a hippie, too...you know...free love and all - but I always was under the impression she felt like she missed out on her youth. Heck, I feel like I missed out and I got pregnant at 26…intentionally! ;)). Anyway, what scared me even more, of course was the fear of having caught AIDS. I was lucky but I didn’t forget those months of fear and that horrible week of waiting for my blood results.
One night is enough. And I could have thrown it all away in that one night.

Ach, it all sounds so dry and cliché when I am writing it down like this and, I guess, you have to learn a lot from your own experiences but just USE your brain and always try to THINK AHEAD, when you do questionable things.

I probably don’t have to tell you about any of these things, for you are a lot like me (careful, thoughtful, never forgetting what you have learned or are being warned of). Unfortunately, growing up without my mother, there were a lot of things I wasn’t warned of, so I had to figure that out by myself. Men and boys for example. A whole story to itself. [I wonder, if my mother has figured that out herself, actually...]

Other things most teenagers think about (but the smart ones hopefully will not consider seriously, for it’s almost as dumb as having unprotected sex):
> suicide (there was a brief time in my life when I thought that would be the easiest way out (until I lived through the suicides of several other friends and realized how sad it would be to throw a life away, which surely won’t always be this dreadful and bad).

> running away (I had whole trips completely planned out – my favorite escape route lead to Canada).

> dropping out of school (I was sixteen when I fought my dad about that issue – I wanted to become either an auto mechanic or a carpenter – HA!) ….

Things I (thankfully) wasn’t ever weak enough to get into: any drugs other than a bit of pot (never got drunk, never took a trip, nothing…and no, I am not a lame prude. Well, what can I say - I am a control-freak, which I am sure you know by now. ;) ….Losing control of my body and mind, would just have been a nightmare for me.
(so, if you ever think you have to do any of this sh*t – make sure you do your research and don’t do it alone….but I prefer, you DON’t …and I can tell you loads of stories why you shouldn’t and why I ultimately didn’t do it…. But to give you a quick glimpse: I once knew a guy who walked around talking to his darts…and all he had done is taken one trip that just messed up his brain somehow…and he kept on having flash-backs.) But given the fact of how much of a control freak you are already (at the tender age of 4), I think, I might not have to fear you going into this stuff either.

So, now that I’ve gotten some of the sex and drugs (I am leaving out Rock n’ Roll) talk into this letter, I guess, I am going to have to give this thing a PG rating. I wonder what this will have to be. Judging from all the stories I hear it would have to be a PG-13, as much as I would like it to be a PG-17….or let’s be honest, a PG-21. ;)

And just so you know where this is all coming from right now: I have been like a sponge about teenage girlhood ever since you were born. Books and movies that have unsettled me: “Thirteen” (movie), “Queen bees and Wannabees” (book – and “Mean Girls”, the movie it was turned into), “The Tenth Circle” (book, I just finished), and countless articles, stories from friends and colleagues, and real-life encounters with today’s teenage kind. ;)

So, dare to be different, baby. Be who you are and not who others expect you to be.

Love you. Love you. Love you.
(and for now – at this moment – get well, so that I can take you home!)
PS: can you give that whole (unprotected) sex, drugs, and other stupidities section to your sister, too? I might copy it over to her letter later but right now it is getting really late and my eyes are falling shut (the doc is going to wake us in a few hours – to give you the next antibiotic shot).

relationship going downhill

a few months ago, Dario and I were having such a long-lasting good phase that I wondered, whether it could ever go bad again. From experience, I knew that it was bound to happen but I just couldn't imagine how it could go so far down from so far up.

I don't know when exactly we went over the peak but I get the feeling that Dario still has no idea that we are near the bottom now. At least, I am.
And this time it is really bad. For me, that is. He seems to think, like always, all is jolly and dandy. Men...
It is really bad because I have actually become friends with a term called divorce. A term, which has scared me for most of my life. In fact, one of the many reasons I never wanted to get married was because I didn't want to get divorced, which I thought was an inevitable fact of life (with a few exceptions).

I am just soo tired.
I am so tired of his bad habits and the predictability thereof. I hate the fact that I can predict every unreliabilty or inconsiderate action of his, with almost no error of assumption.
Of course, he is still affectionate and tries to do nice things when he thinks about it...but these nice things are not balancing out the bad stuff anymore.
I am tired of being ignored (everything I say just goes in one ear and out the other. He simply does not care anymore, about what is important to me.)
I am tired of having to carry all responsibilty.
I am tired of having to make all the decisions by myself.
I am tired of living with a husband that acts like a 3rd child (or the first, if you wish).
I am tired of being the one, who has to take charge in trying to fix or improve our relationship.
I am tired of being disappointed.
I am tired of understanding.

The biggest problem I see for a salvation of this, is that I have just given up hope.

I want to stop turning into someone I don't like, and that's what I see happening here.
Also, soon enough he is going to be the one who will look at me and realize that he's had enough of my bitching and my sadness (if he will realize that he is the main source of this, is another question).

My mother (the family-therapist) says a temporary break (which I am yearning for) is definitely not the way to fix a relationship (but do I even want to be in this relationship anymore? If I would want to fix it it's because of the kids, I think.)
She suggests to take more space from each other, to designate own rooms in the house, for example...and to then "visit" each other (but return to one's room again). This should bring back some spark, should take out the rut and the taking each other for granted (but that will mean he'll still be messing up the rest of the house, play videogames to no end, and let me organize our life.)
The other thing she pointed out as important is to take time for oneself and to go on dates together (at least once a week)...to get back couple's time....where we are not mom and dad. - Sadly, I am so fed up, I don't even want to spend time with D alone anymore.
This is what worries me the most.
I am burnt out, I think.

To break up would probably be very very difficult. Not only because I am used to being with D. 11 years isn't nothing. Most problematic would probably be the fact that he won't leave. Knowing him I would have to get down-right nasty to get him to leave and I don't think I have the energy for that.

Only way for me to reconsider this: if he organizes therapy for us and gets me to go there (instead of me trying to get him to go ....but unlike him I would be willing to cooperate and find a way if I see he is trying.)

:/
life is kinda at a sucky point at the moment.
oh, and did I mention Maia is in the hospital with pneumonia?
yup. going back there now to spend another night there with her. poor little thing was crying so badly, when the doctor ordered another IV and told her she had to stay yet another night.
I'll post more on that later (already wrote it but no internet in the hospital, so will post later.)

finally: a decision

New York or Vorarlberg? I have finally - finally - made my decision and I tell you it is liberating to know what to do. I am not sure why or how it happened that I stopped guessing what would be the best next step but I can tell you it was a process that took many many weeks...if not months.

The final decision I made on my last day at the job. I made sure it was final by writing an unmistakable final good-bye e-mail to my colleagues at work. I don't know if I have blogged this but I was actually in line for a newsphotographer job at the local paper here. There are many reasons I withdrew my official application with that mail (I BCC-ed the chief of photography) but one of them was that I felt like I was settling for mediocrity in my trade. HAH, my trade... photography isn't my trade (yet) ...it is my passion...so I find it amusing how snobby I am in this matter. This could also have been a great chance to get into the field. You don't just apply to become a photojournalist you have to work your way there. This could have been my first step but honestly, I think, it wouldn't have done my work (i.e. style) too good. The local paper here has certain standards of what photographs they like to print. The main problem is, I suppose, that the journalist picks the photos...when there should be a photo-editor.

I did a few gigs for them, though. And all my colleagues (it is the same building I worked in) kept putting in words of praise for me (as I was told on my interview with the chief of photography), and I must say it was fun to do these shoots .... BUT ...ach you know what..never mind...I am rambling here ....and there is nothing worse than a rambling blog.

So, ....don't think I have officially announced the decision, yet:
We are moving back to New York City.

I am not sure, whether this is the right decision or not but it feels like it is the way it should be. My father always says, a right decision is something you can feel. You just feel lighter afterwards.

I regret nothing, though. I am glad we made this move, although financially it has set us back immensely. I learned a lot, I worked hard, we saw a lot, strengthened our family ties, and rediscovered the values of a simpler life, an evironmental consciousness, kindness to strangers, and more self-initiative.
I spent time refreshing good old friendships, and build a strong new one.
I learned to have more patience but most of all I learned to live without regrets. Things turned out so difficult here for us (or me, mostly...the one who seemed to carry all the responsibilty) I realized, there is absolutely no point in pondering about the "woulda-shouldas" (would haves and should haves) .

There is a sadness that comes with this decision, too.
Most difficult, I find leaving my friends, my parents (even though, their messed up relationships with their "new" mates cast a shadow on us, as well), and this closeness to nature.
I guess, I will also miss the courtesy of the people and the spinkin'-spank (spelling??!) clean streets. People just don't throw anything on the streets here. Oh, and I will miss our fire-place (NOT the cold apartment that made me have to use it all-year-round), and the ease of family-activities.
Sounds like I am writing a tourist brochure here....


two days ago...coming down from sledding on The Boedele


Nayla up on The Boedele (15 min. from us)


A Welcome Back message to Maia from one of the neighborhood kids.


I think I might have a mid-life crisis, by the way.
Or maybe it is just another version of my ongoing identity crisis. ;)
Another one suffering under my crisis is Dario.... he is getting a lot of "bitchin'" and much less "mama" from me lately.
Well, what do you want from me. We are going on 11 years together.
That's just not normal. ;)
No, but seriously.... I really could use a break. And he is not even being bad.
I am sure he wouldn't mind getting me out of his life for a little bit, either. I am just on his case, all the time.
But for now,....we are still trying to blame it all on PMS.

Before I go, another book-tip. ......... another? when have I given any booktips? Well, anyway...this one is keeping me up at night lately (this and the fact that I am still jetlagging badly) it is another Jodi Picoult novel. I've read "Vanishing Acts" in the summer and loved it.
Now I am reading "The Tenth Circle" and it is just excellently written. Took me a moment to get into the story but she just writes so damn well that is easy to get totally involved into just about any scenario.

lesson learned: don't ever be a landlord!

things have been happening fast over here...

Last week my brother-in-law called me to tell me that I would have to come in personally for the "final" court-date (in the proceedings of getting my non-paying tenants out of my place). Since I don't have the money to be supporting these dead-beats another 6 months, I decided to get a plane ticket and fly over (to NY). I arrived Wednesday evening and stood in court with my bro-in-law the next morning, while Maia went to kindergarden with her little buddy Lucas (Rosa's son).

The court-date was frustrating as expected and my damn honesty got me - once again - into a bad position. The case was dismissed. The problem was that P (my brother-in-law) started the petition in Dario's name, not realizing that he isn't on that sublease. He also only served the wife (whose husband had apparently moved out), which was another mistake, for he is on the lease and thus must be served. This was only one of many little complications. P (my brother-in-law) was telling me: whatever you do, don't show them the lease. It was just a formality (a mistake in proceedings) but it could cost us the case. And what do I do the moment the judge asks me for the lease? I give it to him. P was scolding me for hours after but what can I do? I can't help it. I am not built that way. You ask me a question and I will tell you the truth.

By now these people owe us 10K and our savings are gone. The woman is about to start Chemotherapy next week. I have no job, she has no job. It is just a bad situation. The court-attorney gave us the price for most terrible and complicated case of the month and told me to get an attorney, which I cannot afford, or to come to an agreement outside of the court system.

So, I made an appointment with Sandra (the wife) to sit together in the evening (together with the husband she is separated from but still lives with). Apparently, Sandra's brother also felt like he had to contribute to the conversation. He really brought me to the boiling point. Apparently, he also lives there now. Has no place to go and I am not sure, whether he has a job.

My apartment has nothing in it, except a big screen TV and my old couch. The kitchen looked like it hadn't been mopped in months, and when I sat there listening to their bullshit I really felt like a big fat "sucka".
Andrew, you have been working all this time, haven't you? I said to the husband.
Yes, he responded.
And your name is on the lease.
Yes.
So why the hell have you not paid me a penny? nothing!!?? I don't understand how you live with yourself, I then said adressing the two men. You are two grown men, older than me, working, and you are living off of me! Me, who I have 2 small kids, only one income which is probably half of what you make.... I just don't get it....have you no self-respect?

I was so pissed and these guys had no answers and apparently no solutions or options. But you know what, I AM NOT AN OPTION EITHER!
I am soooo pissed.aaargh. and to think ..I am sitting here in Rosa's apartment (above my place) and they are screaming to the music that they're blasting as if everything is just dandy...

but OK...they wanna go ghetto on me ..... I have enough ghetto in me to give that right back.
If I am not posting anymore, you know my ghetto self-justice plan of evicting them my own way hasn't worked. ...then you might be able to check me out on bitchingmamainjail.blogspot.com ;)

nah...but seriously....I don't know what to do anymore.... I have no place to go...I am paying for an apartment I don't live in....and I am out of money.....maybe it's time to call in my ghetto friends to play marshall.

4-year old charged with sexual harassment for a hug

please please please tell me this would never ever happen in NYC:
http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/metropolitan/4392235.html

This is freakin' ridiculous!!!
What kind of educators are these people? He is 4 years old for Goodness sake!

sigh.

brainstorming (ny or austria)

still trying to find the right decision. so today I am trying it with this method. not sure if that actually is a method that makes sense but I am out of ideas...so here it goes.
what I am going to do is, that I will just brainstorm to my life in new york city and then to my life here in vorarlberg and see what I get.
new york city

police
shock
drama
love
city
life
excellence
creativity
home
father
intuition
spirit
friends
attraction
life (again)
influence
temptation
aggression
people meddling
opinionated
Barnes&Noble
rainy days (still good)
school zoning (fear)
latino flavor (+)
freedom
choice
network
financial stability
wealth
luxury
network
wave hill
central park
upper westside
coffee shops
the village
hastings on the hudson
bad air
good weather
sun
t-r-a-f-f-i-c
administrative barriers
too many stupid rules
ridiculous fines
so far away
fear (terror)
Dominican Rep. closer
family (D's)
heat
advancement (word?)
familiarity
rut
subway (- but sometimes +)
food
emotion
baggage
freedom
sister
feeling in the gut
kids overstructured
people obsess

vorarlberg (austria)

freedom for kids
NY (not sure why that came to mind)
rationality
normal
nature
fresh
new
old
history
possibility
sensitivity
craving
folk
narrow-mindedness
prejudice
civilized
care
community
system (+)
activities
life more essential
people care
watch (be watched in every move) -
reputation
pressure
beauty
weight
internet (expensive, complicated)
stiff
rent
apartment
cold
squeeze (huh?)
fuck (i felt like cursing here,..so I don't mean the act of f.)
relationship (+)
stability
responsibility (D has got some)
not all rosy (-)
taboos (+ and - )
sacrifice
proper
standards
expectations
realistic
earnest
distant
family
reunion
kids
innocence
santa comes to your house (small town. possible)
arts & crafts for kids everywhere (markets, events, etc.)
very family friendly
maia understimulated
variety (of activities)
Europe
travel
special
unique
history
pressure
insecurity
job (not sure)
feeling
right path?
God
self-doubt
self-image
small
return to who I am (was)

i am a libra. final decisions are really not my thing.

damn. I've been changing my decision on what to do like every 5 minutes during the past few days.
I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I am going nuts. and what's worse is that I seem to be the only one wrecking their brain about this life-changing decision. Dario just always surfs along and then complains afterwards (regardless of the decision). His feedback is pretty empty. No real thought behind it....a reflection of his phlegmatic ways.

And no matter what the final decision will be, I will be the one who has to carry all the consequences (resulting work, organisation, etc.).

I am tired of being the one to run this family. I need TEAMWORK, damnit.

to be European or American...that is the question

today is a difficult day. I'm getting tired of having to make life-changing decisions.

the perfect apartment (small house w/ garden, actually) we have found has another interested party. this means I have to either confirm the lease or let it go TODAY.
my job will officially end on the 15th of december, which means I will be getting only half my paycheck this month. this comes in addition to having been broke since the middle of last month (and going into the negative numbers).

I can't tell you how much I despise these deadbeat tenants of mine (in our NY apt.) right now. They probably think they got off great. Lived for free for 6 months and more. And who says they have to give a shit about the person who has to bathe out their irresponsibilty. They have cost me all my savings and made my financial life here miserable. I am going to have to borrow money, and I cannot tell you how much I hate to do that.

Friends and family in NYC tell me of job-opportunities for me and although these jobs sound great, the price I would pay for this (selfish) fulfillment has become too high.
I really have come to the point where I am convinced this (Vorarlberg, Austria) is the better place to raise your kids. Not a difficult equation, I admit. 8 Mio.city vs. the 350.000 head-count of Vorarlberg.
My friend Beth told me that they did a study (or survey?) on where the happiest people live. Austria came in 3rd and they say it is because of the good/free healthcare and tight social net. A social net I cannot rely on, yet, for I haven't been here (working) for more than a year. I don't even get unemployment money. (uuuhh...silent panic is rising up my throat).

And you know the "funniest" part? Apparently I will lose my permanent resident status in the U.S. soon....if I haven't lost it already. Then I will REALLY be screwed, for then I won't even be able to come back and work.

It's ironic to realize how much of a priviledge it actually is to live in the United States. I remember, how happy I was when I finally got the status to be a permanent resident and get a real job. Thousands of people every day would give their right hand to be able to become U.S. residents. And at the same time the system sucks, the crime is high, and let's face it ... morality and honor is going down hill. Everywhere you look it seems to become acceptable to cheat, lie and betray. At the same time people get thrown into jail for nothing.

Everything you say in the U.S. you have to say carefully. Talk about freedom of speech. Any criticism of the system or the conditions is immediately taken personally, and I assume it is because of the deeply patriotic sentiment of Americans. But patriotism shouldn't serve as blinders for the faults and problems of one's system or government. After all, what kind of democracy is that? The media in the U.S. is extremely censored and people have to search to get ALL the information (i.e. objectivity).
The media here isn't all that great either but the view on the world is much more objective. This is easier, for we are - most of the times - not involved. The U.S. is involved almost everywhere, and you know it is difficult to step away and see the whole picture (both sides) when you are in the middle of a fight with someone.

Anyway, that Austrians are supposedly the 3rd happiest people in the world I really doubt. Apparently we also have the highest suicide rates worldwide. Or is it Europe-wide? I think that's because we take everything too damn seriously.
Well, at least we don't kill each other. ;)

No, but seriously,...apparently most of the suicides are commited by middle-aged single, divorced, or recently separated men (often in financial debt).

In the States that same guy would probably shoot the ex-girlfriend who left him, change his social security number, and move the f* on. ...unless, of course, they catch him and give him the death-penalty. Here, ...he'd probably get 2-5 years. ...I mean, really, ...the punishment people get for criminal activity here is beyond any understanding of mine. ....maybe I've just lived in the U.S. too long....and I am used to witnessing harsh punishments for just about anything.

so,...today I have to decide...are my girls going to be European or Americans. that is a tough call...for I have also gotten so much positive from living the American way of life. Best would probably be a combination. ...Well, they have dual-citizenship...so they'll probably move back to New York City the moment I say "Happy 18th birthday, honey." ;)

heavy dreams...

my dreams are very vivid lately.

I had one dream yesterday in which I found myself in yet another very narrow underground labyrinth but this time I had entered these canalization-like tunnels navigating two ships. Don't ask me how I navigated two ships, ask me which ships.
I dreamt I was trying to get through (to the free beautiful ocean?) with the two main ships of the Austrian side of the lake of Constance (very nearby). Their names are "Vorarlberg" and "Austria". Talk about symbolism. ;)

Anyway, I got stuck. Hopelessly stuck. There was no way for me to get through. So I had to return to the dark city that lay behind me. Dark because night had fallen (can u say that in English?), and dark because no matter where I turned, I saw people doing wrong or having wrong being done to them. I wasn't afraid just worried about everyone. Worried about their paths, their situation, everything.
Somebody got shot next to me, I ran to their help annoyed with this senseless violence. I called the police. And from then on it was just me walking through this devastated place trying to rescue people.

hmmmm.....



My dream of today was a litte more self-involved. I dreamt I was back in NYC...somewhere by the Flatiron building. I wasn't too excited to be back,...all I noticed was how little nature there was and how much it was missing.
Then I looked down and I had a notebook in my hand. I mean a minilaptop of some sort and it started playing a movie. It was like a student-movie, really cool, and I realized that I had made this thing a long time ago. I watched the whole thing and thought,...wow this is good. I made a movie and it doesn't suck...I could actually submit this to a film-school and maybe get in!

I cannot tell you the disappointment when I woke up shortly after only to find out I had not made any such movie and that all my creative endeavors where still just loose matter in my head somewhere, and saddest of all, ..no ..I won't be back in the film-business. ;)

leaving new york is like breaking up....

The longer I am here in my new (and old) home...Vorarlberg, Austria...the less I can imagine a return to the city I love so much. New York is like a lover that is bad for me, like an addiction I am withdrawing from.... the more time passes the more I realize how blind my love was/is for this town.

I am getting closer to a perspective I despised until just very recently. It was the view of my adopted home-town by my visiting friends and family from Europe. I didn't see the dirty streets, I didn't feel unsafe, I didn't realize how much I liked to curse. To me, NYC was just perfect...not so much my life in it....but the city itself I loved ...and I still do....but I now am at a point where I am trying to figure out why that is.

What would probably make it more difficult than anything to go back is the knowledge that I would give away the chance to let my kids be kids. That innocence they can experience in this particular region of Austria (even today) is something I doubt I can preserve if I raise them in New York.
I don't know if I wrote this down already but my friend Marta just recently reminded me of how grown-up kids in the city can be. Every day, she says, she sits in the bus and listens to kids talk on their way home from school. Teens and Tweens. And, she says, you wouldn't believe what comes over their lips (suck my d*ck this, f*ck that sh*t, etc.) .... horrible. One time, she said, a woman actually tried to discipline a group of them on the bus....they cursed her out so badly she had to get off at the next stop.
This is an unthinkable situation here. People still discipline each others kids....or the youth of the community altogether. And kids respect the fact that an adult is showing them their boundaries.

I realize, that this is probably one of the few last places where these old-time costums still work. Not far from here (just over the border in Germany), things are falling apart, too. Just take the last school shooting just a few days ago. One kid ran amok and killed 13 students.

It takes a village to raise a child, is my opinion. ...And New York City is just too big of a village to be able to accomplish that.

I still miss my friends and I still do miss NY.
And that's where the analogy of the bad lover comes from. I shouldn't yearn for NY so badly and yet, I am.

heart-stopping saturday

Today I actually wanted to write down how our Pisa and Florence Trip went last week but then Nayla drank some sort of poisonous oil and Maia got lost at one of the biggest markets of the year.

It all started relatively well. I woke up late, although not too smoothly,which always gets me cranky no matter how long I sleep. D took me out of a dream, which seemed to address my current self-reflection attempts. Just as I was about to figure out why I had to crawl through that tiny, stony, dark, and claustrophia-triggering tunnel to get to that huge (ancient) beautiful room (more like a temple-hall), Dario woke me up to get some. And he got some, alright. A piece of my mind, is what he got. "The ONE time the kids decide to leave me alone in the morning so I can sleep a little longer, you really had to decide to take their place and wake me?!?!"
I got breakfast in bed and that shut me up.
After a short heart-attack about Nayla having pulled out all the keys of my laptop's keyboard, I made a huge cup of coffee, which I just didn't get to and then proceeded to get the kids ready for our lunch invitation at my friend Sabi's house.
The meal was great, we had a nice time, decided to move on quickly to all go the big market in our village together. Apparently this is a yearly event and draws people from all over the state and even across the borders (Germany and Switzerland).
Before we left (and Sabi was on a tight schedule) I asked for just one cup of coffee. I had one sip before Nayla (now 2.5 yrs. old) appeared next to me with her mouth wide open and a certain guilty look on her face.
I saw a trace of brown above her lip and decided to smell her mouth. It reeked of some pungent volatile (essential) oil. The stuff you put in a tray over a candle.
I looked around and found a small, half-empty bottle on the floor. When I read the label, I tried not to panic .... which meant not to show it to Dario, who really is the one who always panics about stuff like that.
Keep away from children!
health-hazardous.
can cause lung-damage when ingested.
do not induce vomiting!
contains cassia-oils, which can cause allergic reactions.
etc.
I made her drink water, wiped her mouth with a wet towel, called my father (a doc), who wasn't home; we called Sabi's neighbor then (also a doc), who thank God was home and who finally advised us to call poison control.
I am not used to these kind of worries. Maia stopped taking choking hazards into her mouth when she was two (she understood ....or let's say...she adhered to the rules), and we were glad if she drank or ate anything at all. Nayla on the other hand - a great eater, which we are endlessly happy about - really does try anything, and that means everything. She is one of those kids you don't have to force to drink her medicine (when needed) and who you are going to have to keep the cleaning agents away from, for she will probably try it. The other day she traded a piece of candy for an olive. The girl is special, I tell you. ;)
Anyway, the lady from the poison-control hotline was very helpful and gave me a list of things to watch out for, none of which seemed to appear, thank GOD.
So we continued with our afternoon plans of hitting the market, leaving my full but now cold coffee cup sitting on the kitchen table. (This whole coffee skipping routine today got me to make myself a cup right now. ...probably not the smartest thing, given that it is after 10pm.)

We finally made it to the market around 3:30pm. Our little village looked like Chinatown today. Buzzing with people. We had a good time walking around, mingling, looking at all the stands, letting the girls ride on the kiddie-train and going up with the fire-engine's ladder ..or crane..whatever it is called. It was damn high, I tell you but the kids loved it.
After an hour or so we said Goodbye to Sabi and her family and decided to continue strolling for a last round before heading home up the hill.
Just after D bought his newspaper-rolled funnel full of hot chestnuts, Maia disappeared.
What followed was a search going from casual, to more intense, to near panic at the end.
I called so many people to help find Maia's whereabouts. I had neighbors go on a search around our house to see if she had gone home (by herself). I asked one of the many Djs to call her out missing. I left my number at the icecream parlor at the center of town, in case someone dropped her off (per instructions from the DJ's announcement). I squeezed through the masses, up and down and across, over and over again. I asked vendors to look out for her and to catch her if she walked by. I told Dario to stop calling me, for my battery was blinking low and I was waiting on call backs. He finally left the stroller on the side of the street and joined in the search, with Nayla on his shoulders.
After about an hour of searching without success I started to lose my cool. As I felt the tears well up, I took a deep breath and reminded myself of where I was: This is not a problem. This is freakin' Vorarlberg. Kids get lost and returned here all the time.
But the little paranoid mom in me kept on reminding me that this was still the 21st century and anything can happen anywhere. The likeliness isn't as high here and with this thought I decided to stick. It worked. I didn't lose it.
I walked through the bustling market one more time and then pulled out my phone to call the cops. Just as I was going to ask someone of the Austrian equivalent of 911, I received a phonecall from someone telling me that my daughter was waiting in front of the electronics shop....just a few feet from where she was lost.
I thanked whoever that was and bolted over there.
The couple (with a group of friends) who I found standing with her had apparently waited with her for the past 45 minutes and were just about to go to the police themselves.
I was so relieved I wanted to hug and slap that kid at the same time. I went with the hug and told her how much she had scared me.
I was told that Maia had approached the woman and had told her that she can't find us anymore. When she was asked where she lived, Maia apparently answered "in a cave". (whatever the heck that is supposed to mean.) and when asked where her father worked, she responded "in a cave, too." ;) ...hmmm maybe it's the way you get to our house...or maybe the fact that our apartment is very shady.....but I sure don't hope it's because of the fact that Dario has been super-lazy with taking them out these past two weeks. (I've been complaining about that already.)

Anyway, I am glad as I can be that she was o.k. ...and I gotta teach that child our phonenumber and address!!!! My neighbor recommended to write the kids' phonenumbers on their arms with a marker when going out to such places (full of people).

I told Maia, later in the evening, that she was going to have to remember our number and this way, if she ever would get lost, she would know.
"But I don't have a phone," she dryly said. ;)

life (..hey I had this title a few posts ago!)

i've been gone for a little while. busy. and then my dear girlfriends were visiting from NY. We went to Italy. I've got a lot to write. but now it is 2:35 in the morning, so I am just going to post this chat I had this evening with one of my best friends. Since it did take me away from blogging. ;)
----------
Vernon: sisi you there?
yay!!!
me: u always start talking and then that's it ur gone again is this a new game
Vernon: you gotta be quickgame? I wish
El presidente! remember.
plus, you know, work is crazy.
me: i know i've heard
Vernon: plus, you know, evi just finished her first trimester-- I'm sure you can relate.
how's your life? i don't see nearly enough photo updates!
me: busy like crazy
Vernon: i'm hoping that means you have a supremely happy family-life, so busy making fun that you have no time for pursuing... well, i guess that answers that.crazy busy with what?
me: work. managing household & kids stuff (lot of admin. crap, too), trying to find new place and mostly new job haven't watched tv in months...movies: very rarely
books sit untouched on my nighttable as I hit the pillow exhaustedly every night, the house still could need a woman's touch
or a very tidy man's
Vernon: what about work prospects?
sometimes I work 16-18 hour days and then watch a 2 hour movie to unwind especially when I'm insomniac
me: wow ...u really have gone workaholicrazy
Vernon: sometimes all this work keeps the brain churning and escaping into a movie is the best way to turn it off.
me: i am dying for some new moviematerial
Vernon: i saw veronica mars on DVD and thought of you --- Tower is going out of business at the end of the month and they have a hug sell going on now.
me: REALLY?VM?how come?I looove her
huge sale...like how mcuh?and for what?
Vernon: 20-40%, it gets cheaper every week because they have to be out by month's end.
Vernon: I'm taking German at downtown Tuesdays and Thursdays so I stop by on my way home after getting off the crosstown bus. EVERYTHING MUST GO!
me: wow.
Vernon: oh, I read a blog of someone else who loves veronica mars --- http://www.blogography.com/ he acts like a bit of a selfish ass, but he can be funny, plus he writes an entry every single day
me: how do u know i like VM btw?
Vernon: i feel the same way about VM as I did when I used to watch it with you..girlpower--- yuck
me: oh right --LOL
Vernon: when i see her i talk about more important stuff-- like office gossip.
me: so why are u watching it on dvd then?
Vernon: i didn't get it, i just thought of you when I saw it on the shelves.
me: ooh ...ok...misunderstood ...
one sec...mom calling again
me: uff...she called to remind me that I was supposed to come join her at the long night of games this evening
that it is almost midnight now doesn't seem to bother her
she just got to the "spielothek" = gamelibrary
Vernon: she's got you home now
me: i am kinda comfortable on my couch right now...but this gamenight is happening in our village...so I should probably take advantage of the convenience of the action for a change
she's got you home now - what u mean?
Vernon: taking advantage of it
me: u mean in austria?
Vernon: yup
me: right. my dad came to visit twice this week. that's new
should i go play games? I was going to do some reflection tonight....
Vernon: if you feel like it, obviously she called so somebody wants you there...
me: meanwhile I have been chatting most of the eve ;)
Vernon: reflecting on what?
me: what I REALLY want
what would REALLY be best to do next
to stay or to go
now is when I have to decide.
Vernon: good grief, you do too much of that in large chunks.
i do a little bit every day, keeps the edge off.
me: lol i do, too....but fact is..I have to make a life-changing decision soon and that is just a big freakin chunk by nature
Vernon: what's the decision?
me: to stay or to go back because if I decide to stay...we are staying...that's it
Vernon: indeed.
me: I mean .... it has to be something really grave then for us to go back
Vernon: if I
me: I don't want to yank the kids out of their lives like that
Vernon: so nobody else has any say?
me: i wish D would have more to say...
Vernon: you guys living in a matriarchy?
me: more feedback
Vernon: indeed.
me: he'd be fine anywhere he says
Vernon: we don't even need to go there.then you do live in a matriarchy!
me: well, hellooo....welcome to the my family reality.
Vernon: good thing you didn't crank out any boys then
me: lol yup...maia has a lot to say nowadays, too
she is going to be making the decisions soon
Vernon: i think she will mostly be making the decision about whether you stay or go
the needs of the girls outweight the needs of the Sisi
me: ... i guess...or at least that's what i have to figure out
i have been advised not to do that by several of my girlfriends (mothers) including my own mom. there is no point in location when the mother is depressed or unavailable
Vernon: indeed
me: most important is the home
Vernon: that's how you end up unhappy and you definately pass that onto the kids.
me: no matter where it's location right...
Vernon: unhappy parents make unhappy children who turn into unhappy adults.
me: so....my whole reflection thing has to happen in layers.
Vernon: break the cycle!choose happiness!
me: one: why is it that I am carrying this somewhat constant sadness with me
Vernon: unhappy parents make unhappy children who turn into unhappy adults.that's part of it
me: my father isn't unhappy...neither is my mom...at least they did not convey it to me that way
surprising actually cuz they went through a lot of sht especially in the past few years..
Vernon: when you were a kid?
me: when I was a kid, ..what?
Vernon: i'm not talking about them being happy now, i'm talking about when you were a kid and they were going through crazy shit. those formative years really shape your identity.
me: oh..no...my parents never showed their personal emotions to us they were our parents
Vernon: but i suppose i should listen to the story instead of speculating. maybe you're just a wacko mutant
me: one time my mother even told me that it isn't good for me to hear her personal problems
Vernon: who fell far from the family tree.
me: I think,...in a way that is right...it worries children
Vernon: maybe their genes just didn't mix right--- sort of an inverse-inbreding.
me: what are u suggesting?
if anything, they didn't make me dull enough
i think too damn much
Vernon: yeah, i think repressed parents screw up their kids, in some ways worse than demonstrative bad parents -- because kids can feel it even if it isn't discussed and it gives them confused signals that they internalize into their personalities.
me: should I be happy, should I be sad, why is it that I am sad, mabye it is in my mind,blahblahblahblah
Vernon: i used to be sad all the time, then i learned to stop trying to figure it out and accept it, but i also learned that i have to make choices that make me happy in the short and long term.
me: i never felt damaged by my childhood...it has affected me in who I am, no doubt.....but all in all I recall my childhood to be a very happy one. until the divorce that is
Vernon: took me about 34years to learn that.
me: what choices?
Vernon: short and long run. well, there are things that happen unconciously
i used to insist that I was one of the happiest people I knew---let me tell you, i was in denial. me: one sec...phone
Vernon: i'll just carry on and let you catch up when you get back....
me: k
Vernon: something I've kind of observed about you is that your unhappiness and sadness and discontent follows you around like a cloud, because you carry them around.
Vernon: Seems to me you were plenty unhappy before you had the girls, and after you had the girls; when you lived in New York, when you moved to Austria; i'm trying to think of other psychological spaces you've been in, but you've been gone too long for me to remember them in a pinch.
Vernon: i think you have a hard time being satisfied with the riches you have, because you always seem to think the riches across the fence will be more fulfilling and valuable somehow.
all the while you have a very wealthy and enviable life.
a life that in material terms is probably better than probably between 70-80% of the folks on the planet.
Vernon: decent husband, beautiful kids, head full of valuable skills and a keen appreciation of art and literature, portable job skills, language skills, friend-making skills-- a sharp mind, a pretty figure, good health. i think if I were to rank you on a scale from 1 to 10, I'd say you were an 8.
minus one point because your sense of humor needs some work-- fix that and you'd probably feel much less sad.
minus one point because you take everything to goddamned seriously. leave a little room in your life for uncontrolled chaos-- chaos visits us all, so they're no point panicking about it.omigod, i'm going crazy with the monologue here. I should be doing dishes!
me:---HEY, I have an excellent sense of humor...just not yours. .... I like subtlety (spelling?), and sarcasm.... people sometimes seem to mistake sarcasm for just plain and blunt personal attacks and yes...I do take everything too damn seriously but that also gets all the shit done in this place
Vernon: i reckon. where I come from sarcasm and humor are too different things. i know folks who are sarcastic and funny, i know other folks who are sarcastic and earnest
your sarcasm comes off very earnest
besides, I didn't say you didn't have a sense of humor, i said it needs some work. don't be so defensive!

Vernon: case in point: my dad could have been a much worse father than he was, but as it is he was a pot head, womanizer, deadbeat (for my 2nd through 8th years), he smoked crack, caught AIDS, beat (not spanked, beat) his children regularly, made innumerable ill-adviced, selfish choices. But you know what? My sister and I turned out okay and we love him enough to keep him involved in our regular lives.
Vernon: My point is-- you and your kids can handle whatever life throws at you as a result of the choices you make. You don't have to make all the "right" choices, or all the "best" choices for things to turn out alright. I need to wash some dishes -- apparently I live in a matriachy too. Give me a holler when you've caught up. I'm just in the next room.
me: sorry....still on phone...brb

me: I think how kids come out always involves some sort of luck
Vernon: yeah. you need to lower your standard for happiness. find a way to be satisfied with simple joys instead of waiting for the full enchilada
me: SOMEtimes I even think it depends for the most part on just what kind of character that person has
something genetic mabye
i don't know
would be interesting to study
Vernon: yeah, well, luck plays a small role, fun and effort and happiness and feeling the love are much more important. well nature and nurture both have their roles.
me: and I dare say nature is more powerful....
Vernon: we may inherit predispositions, but nurture can change them.
it's hard to be unhappy if you are showered with love and support your whole life.
me: when u look at all kinds of families...why are there always the normal (good) ones, and then the ones that just can't get their act together?
...showering someone with love (especially a rebellious teenager) is probably a hard thing to do for most people and still....there are plenty of kids who come out of that ok (eg. you-maybe)?Vernon: this will probably be a very difficult thing for you to accomplish, but I think you should put a lot of effort into learning not to worry so much.
me: i am trying
right now i have to otherwise I'd be going nuts no job
Vernon: i think that's what really saved me was knowing that my dad did what he did out of love and caring-- he was selfish, no doubt, but my sister and I knew that he loved and cared.
me: -50 bucks in the bank and we are only half way through the month
Vernon: because it's too easy to be an deadbeat black father in america -- many, many many black fathers are absent.
me: and no apartment (soon anyway)
Vernon: you'll be fine.
me: how did u know? especially since he left for a few years
Vernon: i cannot tell you how many months we lived with less than 50 bucks for an entire month. in winter as preteens.
me: shoot
Vernon: what doesn't kill us makes us stronger-- and with your folks handy, you won't be dying anytime soon.
me: it's winter now....too
Vernon: it won't kill you.
me: lol right
Vernon: wait and see.
me: but u know how frugal I am and how paranoid about debt
always watching what gets spent
I guess, that's because there was no family for me in NY
Vernon: just like kids are good at adapting, so are parents. at least good ones.
me: and I didn't (and still don't) want to borrow big amounts of money (not from my parents)Vernon: then take little ones.that's what family is for.my dad hates taking money from me and sometimes i hate giving it, but...
me: My pride sucks
Vernon: that's what family is for.
pride vs. hungry children....hmmmmm....ask maia how she feels about that?
me: we would need it so badly...but there is NO way I am going to ask
they are not going to starve
Vernon: "Mommy, what's pride?"
it's the feeling in you stomach
me: LOL
..but maybe the light bill might not get paid.....or something like that.
ok. I'm gonna go now
it is 1:40am
Vernon: ok. g'nighty.nice chatting with you, finally!
me: rub your wifey's preggo belly for me
Vernon: indeed.she's getting twice as big everyday.
me: can't wait to see that babyyy
Vernon: indeed.
me: send pics!!!
Vernon: milk chocolate.
me: ttylniteynite
Vernon: smooch
and
we
are
your
family!
damnit.
me: for that You deserve a fat smooch back!
so long m'friend
Vernon: lata
Vernon: hard times make for great stories
usually in retrospect
enjoy the hard times!
me: ya.
thanks
well, ...last year around that time I yearned for change....now, I've got change alright
Vernon: careful what you ask for!usually you get it.
me: i get that feeling

missing Rosa (and vice versa)

one of those weeks. not much time to blog....so here one of my e-mail exchanges:

--------On 10/24/06, Rosa wrote:
I'm awake don't ask, so worried about new job. I start on Monday, so crazy. Come home, I miss you more. So lonely right now. Depressed, if you can believe it, although no one can tell.
I agree about the kids, Lucas is soooo big, fresh too, arrgh I don't like 5 year olds, can't wait for 6 (I still like him but it's mostly from past experience.)

I also burned Lucky Slevin and Shop girl, hope you didn't see them, but you probably did.
I've kicked Rick out of my life and am going through withdrawal, this too shall pass. By the way he says of course you can crash here, it's still not painted, but you might have to live with him and not me. I'm not very popular with him right now ( you know kicking him out and all).

Anyway, my goal right now is to kick ass at my new job, so I can get a promotion and raise so I can afford to send one of the twins to college. I'm so panicked about that... Yet, what the hell am I going to do, grin and bear it - bear it and grin ; ) What did I forget, oh shit forgot to pay Dario, will put into your account tomorrow without fail, so sorry. What's happening with the deportee??? Apostille, etc. Will soon be too busy to even write you a short note.

Kiss those girls for me and show them the one picture of me over and over again so they don't forget me. I show your family picture to Lucas everyday, it's on the fridge. Sometimes he gets sad and says "why is Maia so far away" or "Let's go see Maia".
I'm blabbering. Much love and kisses,Rosa

-------on 10/27/06 sisi wrote:
oh, it is so good to hear you talk (even if it is just in writing). can't believe YOU can get depressed. is that even possible? you are like my idol in positive outlook and living your life right, so you gotta keep that up ...otherwise my world comes crashing down. ;)

>> arrgh I don't like 5 year olds, can't wait for 6 (I still like him but it's mostly
from past experience.)

LOL ;D. that's hilarious. really, he's bad right now? maybe the whole laissez-faire montessori approach isn't the right way, after all (just kiddin'). I am surprised, because Maia is at a very good stage lately (4,5 is kind to us). She is pretty reasonable, very independent, and very enduring (can hold up even when she has a hard time doing it....e.g. at hiking, which she seems to dislike as much as I used to;)

>>so worried about new job. I start on Monday, so crazy.

why would you be worried? you rock and they are lucky to have somebody like u come in.
not only do you kick ass and got your act together, but you are also absolutely loveable....so they are getting a full package. :)
...and ...oh no....you are starting on Monday?!! ...so much for the Apostille. Did you get Dario's document, by the way? I had one of my co-workers Fed-ex or UPS it to you from Boston (or Seattle) or whereeverthehell they went. To save time (mailing from Austria and all)...
But, of course, ..you would still need instructions on how to get the Apostille. ... Well, I guess, tell me when you have a couple of hours to spare one of these days...
(Hopefully they won't deport him by then....although, that would save us in ticket costs, specially if we are coming back.)

Spoke to Susanne (our tenant) yesterday. She still is convinced she will be giving us money on the first of November. She is taking her man to court, apparently. But even if she does... how would she catch up on what she owes us?
I can't even think about what this situation has cost us. It's devastating...
I told her to please look for another living arrangement...and regardless, to please be responsible enough to pay what she owes us, ...even if she is not going to be living in the apt. anymore.

I am horse-backriding twice a week now and the excercise is really doing me good. Loosens the chronic knots in my back. (Apparently, I have problems with my spinal disks. I had an exam.)

Maia is riding her bike without training wheels now. That pedalless bike really did wonders. Someone gave us a little regular bike and she can ride it without problems. She still doesn't know how to start pedaling from stand-still but she just started riding this thing yesterday.

Nayla is huge (i.e. tall), compared to Maia at that age, anyway. She is talking English and German all mixed up but she is throwing in full sentences now. She loves to cuddle, hug, and kiss ...but she also loves to whine, scream, and slam doors. (The time-outs have begun, although she hasn't had a temper tantrum, yet. ... I remember this stage with Maia and it was full with those scary tt-s). She (Nayla) has been fully potty-trained for a while now (since before the summer, I think), and she insists on getting dressed herself. ;) To think that until very recently I still had to dress Maia. I didn't know they could do that at this age (she's just at 2,5 y. now). I have learned my lesson.

So, Marta is leaving on Tuesday.
Oh, how I wish, you could get on that plane with her and come visit, too.
The fall has been gorgeous here, by the way. This month it rained maybe one or two days, the rest was fantastic. You really learn to appreciate the weather here. It is never to be taken for granted.

All in all I have been feeling better. (HEY, maybe it is the weather! ;) ..I am known to be a sun-dependent child.) Really, I don't care why I am feeling better... I just am happy that I AM. It has been a dark phase for me for quite a while now and I am so glad to be able to see the light again. :)

anyway, ..I gotta go now. Got up at 5am for work today. Was at the job until 5pm. Then got the kids for an hour and finally went to excercise the horse (which includes me, too) for an hour.
I am tiired. Still have to book a hostel, though. Did I tell you? When Marta and Michelle are coming, we are going to take a quick trip to Florence! We found a flight for 2 cents!! (0.02!)
With taxes that comes to about 25 bucks per flight.

alrighty now.
I'm goin'.
xoxoxoxoxxo
love, sisi
PS: xox also to the boys.
PPS: I am thinking of getting bangs. (Big mistake? Great change? We will find out soon.)

I think I'm one of them...

I just read this somewhere on parentcenter.com
"We middle class Americans are obsessed with academic achievement. It's become a sport for parents, who compete to have their children be the first to write, read, and perform other feats of precociousness at earlier and earlier ages. Before we know it, we'll be bummed out when they're not ready for a spelling bee by 12 months ("What's wrong with her? Am I a bad parent?"). With all due respect, so what if our toddlers aren't certified as "gifted" by 24 months and can't write their ABCs by 29 months? What we really need to be working on is social and emotional skills. The world doesn't need a new crop of neurotic overachievers. It needs more clear-headed and compassionate citizens who can navigate through the jungle of mixed messages, manipulations and, most important, fear and anger that characterize life in 21st century American society. Let's give them a leg up!"-- Conor & Liam's Dad

He's so right...but I think I am one of those "middle class Americans", he's talking about.....and I'm not even American. Sometimes I look at myself with pity for thinking this way but this behavior (as mentioned above) is contagious. It's not the competitiveness it's just the keeping up that got me. I mean, to ensure that Maia gets the best education (in the US, at least) I would have to play that f*in' game.
Here (in Austria - if you are new to the blog), I don't have to and the kindergarten teachers remind me every single time (when I ask if they won't let Maia do some letters, too), that they prefer if the kids focus on their social and emotional skills first. Reading and writing will come soon enough and they will all get it.

one of the neighbors shows a found cocoon to the kids


mine are Nayla (middle) and Maia (right)


Maia on her bike