my blog sucks

my God. look at the statistics of the DailyKos Blog...




I will refrain from posting my own statistics for self-preservatory purposes. Also, it would just really be sad to look at (in comparison).

Anywho.

happiness is not a matter of location

Reminder to myself: Happiness comes from WITHIN, dammit.

ok. so, I am trying to figure out how smart my move back to Austria was but I am too darn busy to really think about it. I guess, it also is just too early to evaluate...and ... somehow, I am convinced that my judgment is currently clouded by
a) too much work
b) the cold-ass temperatures (it is almost June, for Goodness sake)
c) the fact that I miss my friends with an incredible desperation

I know, that this place is best for my kids...at least, for the most part.
I generally feel safer...
Maia already got lost and returned in IKEA, disappears and comes back with all kinds of kids (usually girls a few years older than her) she makes friends with, goes to the neighbor's house to play, etc. etc.
I don't have to worry about schooling or healthcare, and I am already approved for the monthly child-credit from the state (about 180 Euros/kid).
She will soon walk to Kindergarden and then to school by herself and her/our lifestyle will be completely different. She will be a different child than if she were to grow up in the States (and in NYC)....tell me what you want - I can see it in the children here. They are very different in the way they are....more innocent, if you will. Dario pointed this out, as well.

However, despite all this, I have to think about what Rosa said to me: Don't sacrifice your own happiness for your child. They will be fine here or there.
But I am not sacrificing my happiness....I am just adjusting my preferences, I think. Sure, I like living in the States (maybe not in the big city anymore...it's too much stress....but I am sure I can find a nice spot somewhere)......but I think this environment here is best for my girls and isn't it my job to make sure I do what is best for my kids?

Now, if Dario becomes unhappy it will become a different story, for this is not his home....

Must see URLs

(totally on the web 2.0 trip)...

Specially for the New Yorkers:
http://local.alkemis.com/ (check traffic via live webcams, listen to police radio, check subway discrepancies, etc.)
------------

http://www.digg.com (a news portal with a new approach to editing)
http://www.netvibes.com/ (make your own personal portal - very dynamic. very fast. very cool)

http://www.placeopedia.com/ map stuff
http://www.wayfaring.com also map/traveling stuff

http://jumpcut.com/ make your own video online.
http://eyespot.com/ same thing as above
http://youtube.com/ (which, really, you should know by now)

http://del.icio.us/ (tagging - a real big thing here)

http://www.peekvid.com/
yeiiiiihhhh….I get to watch some US TV! They even have Grey’s Anatomy! ...no Gilmore Girls, though :( ....yes, I am a Girlmore Girl addict. There, ...now you know it.... and no, I am not ashamed of it. The dialogue is excellent in that show.

http://www.programmableweb.com/matrix this ...is just kinda cool ..if u are looking for a tool

what is the freaking point of love??

What is the point of love? I am just wondering.
...What is the genetic purpose for love?
I am just wondering because I have noticed how often love is so misplaced that it really messes with a whole array of otherwise well functioning parts of our lives.
Why is love so out of our control? Why can we not choose who to love and who not to love?
We should at least be able NOT to love the people we also hate, for whatever reason. Or NOT love the people who really would just destroy our lives and order as we know it.

So, what is the freaking point of love?
Why does it make us blind to the complete disaster it could cause?

People have killed because of love. People have lost their minds because of love. People have done a whole shitload of quite radical things because of fucking love.
Why can it not be controlled? The pragmatist that I am I would like an explanation or at least a freaking theory that makes sense in the genetic make-up of humans.
What is the biological purpose for love?

This is almost as unanswerable (is that a word??) as the question about why God seems to distribute good luck and horrible fates quite strangely sometimes....but at least there I am already in a completely different realm. The latter is more a philosophical question, whereas my first question is rather a scientific question.
Any theories? Anyone?

Maia sez (die zweite)

Dario to Maia: Would you trade mommy for a horse?
Maia: No.
Dario: How about a thousand horses?
Maia: No.
Dario: How about a flying horse? Would you trade her for Pegasus?
Maia: yes!! :D
Me: (in shock)
Dario (to me): Don't worry. She was gonna trade me for an ant earlier. At least, you got up to a mythical character.
Me: Yeah,..I guess.

*****
Maia and I attended The Appasionata (a hugely successful horse-gala event travelling through Europe). When we bought a show-program for 5 Euros (about 6 bucks) we never even opened, by the way, she told the girl who was selling us the magazine that she loved her. The reasoning behind this is less a matter of emotional connection but more of fascination by beauty...or shall I say...superficiality. I really don't know where she's got that from.
Anyway, much later...as we were leaving the show actually, Maia turns to me and tells me Mommy, I love you soo much. -- ooh, that is so sweet, I say but before I can reciprocrate she adds: yeah, but I love the girl who gave us the program more. --Alrighty, then, I thought trying not to get into a discussion about how many times she has told me she loved me and how that now suddenly meant nothing... ;)
...the mama-drama....or vice versa.

how Maia fell out the window

Maia fell out the window today.
First of all, a note to all fathers if left alone with your kids: Do not call your wife while the kid is still screaming in the background and then have the first words out of your mouth be "our child fell out the window!" You already know she is o.k., just still upset, why are you going with the shock- opening-line? This can have devastating consequences. I almost had a heart-attack. I was shaking, I couldn't even form a sentence.

In the end I didn't care about any of his reassurances that Maia was o.k. She fell about 7 or 8 feet and she was still crying, so I just left the office to go check on her.

Apparently, D had tried to plug in our X-box (the one we brought with us from NY ..i.e. 120V vs. 240V here). The thing burned out immediately (just as our DVD-player had the week before), producing big smoke clouds. Naturally he ran to the window to air out the room. He then turned back to the game console and next thing you know he heard Maia crying outside. Baby joined right in. A kind of solidarity cry, so to say. Maia had fallen out the living room window and landed on the path below it - a grid of concrete plates and gravel. Thankfully, Maia must have mostly landed on her arms and legs and mostly on the gravel. I told her to thank God for that...and she wondered if he was there right next to her, protecting her. He/She must have been, cause this could have gone awfully bad.
Thank you God!

the corporate world and me

wrote this Monday (1st of May) night but had no internet to post ...so I am adding it today.

I am beginning to wonder, whether I am made for the corporate world. Or maybe I am just too old for the corporate world, …in other words…I just don’t have that youthful, exploit-me-I-will-work-for-18hours-for-practically nothing drive anymore. I don’t care to kiss ass…well, really I never did, so thanks to my dad for the laissez-faire up-bringing….no respect for authorities.

Anyway, …today I spent from 9 am until 10 pm in my chair at the office trying to tame the news. I was signed up for holiday duty, which means you do the job of 6 people by your damn self. Others seem to manage this between the normal weekend shift-hours of 9am to 6.30pm. They even have time for lunch and coffee breaks. I on the other hand, did not budge and still managed to fuck up. I later on watched the late-night news on CNN with great despair – realizing how many stories I had missed during my shift – and a bit in awe about the fact that I had managed to single-handedly make hundreds of thousands of people (I forget the exact number of daily vol.at visitors) a tiny bit more ignorant (...at least about the day's news, that is).
Really, I do like the projects but the editorial duty is killing me. There is so much routine needed to complete the job in time and I seem to be unable to get into this routine, since I only have 2 days of editorial duty a week.

Anyway,…today when I finally arrived at home longing for some rest, I found myself faced with a mess, which was just impossible to ignore. Poor D, who had anticipated my home-coming since the clock struck 6.30 was laid out on the carpet – next to the electric heater - with a fever. The baby was sleeping happily next to him, missing a diaper.
Since I hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast, I welcomed the dirty plates from the kids’ dinner left on the kitchen table. I hungrily scraped off the cold fish-stick leftovers -something I would usually discard with a disgusted grunt – and washed it down with some flat soda.

Now it is almost midnight, and I have to be back at work at 9am. So, I better go. I hope Dario will feel better tomorrow. It sucks to be sick and have two kids to take care of.

Oh…a cute-zie report from the Maia front:

Maia to Dario:
You know, my favorite thing in the whole world are horsies. And then unicorns, and then Mami, ...........and then baby.... and then Daddy.

Maia sings a Good-night song to me and baby (baby being Nayla, who just turned two the other day) ;)
There was Mami and Maia and Baby and Daddyyyy…and they rode on a flyiiing horsiiiee…over the seaaa to Ameeeerica….and then a crocodile ate them…..and theeen a whale ate the crocodile….and sooo the crocodile got a belly-ache and spit them all out again….and soo they were in the whale….

I lost her there…since I was almost falling asleep but I told myself that I had to write this down. Of course, it would have been nice if I had actually stayed awake to hear the end of her song. Sorry…. I’m sure there are more crazy storylines where that came from. Will report again.

Austrian oddities...or Vorarlbergian oddities, anyway

- When we were shopping for a new vehicle every car-dealer let us take out the car for a test-drive by ourselves. New Yorkers that we are…or should I say…Ghettoites that we are, we considered not coming back…but only for a moment… ;)

- People look at you funny when you blast your car-stereo (especially, when it’s Reggaeton)…the Ghetto is deep within us. ;)

- the y is where the z is on the kezboard….aaaargh….keyboard.

- speaking of the computer, you have to press CTRL+ALT+Q to get an @ sign.

- Kindergarten is not like Kindergarden…i.e. not first grade but like pre-school..and not even that is correct…since they really just go there to play at first. No alphabet training until they’re maybe 5 or 6.
(I am wondering if I am holding Maia back now… did I mess up any options?… how important are these early years really?…aaah…paranoia subtly surfaces).

- kids walk to and from kindergarden (hmm…daycare, pre-school) by themselves ! (nowadays they wait until the kids are around five before they let them walk alone, though.)

- post office clerks are the probably nicest people in public service you will meet. Or maybe I just met a few freaks. I was just standing there thinking…this can’t be true….nobody can be this happy and friendly all the time…to every costumer….but after a few visits I lost my doubts.
But seriously, there are some incredibly friendly sales-people here…performing jobs, you would think they should hate and thus would justify any and all attitude. I am still trying to understand this phenomenon. If I solve the mystery, I’ll let you know.

- a hero with turkey, cheese, pickles, eggs, ….the works, so to say...doesn’t cost 7.50.- but about 1.99.-. This I really don’t get, for you only get sandwiches in the supermarket where you order from the bread-counter girl, who then takes your bread of choice to the meat-counter to cut and weigh your meat of choice, then moves on to the cheese-counter to do the same and last but not least cuts the condiments of your choice. Needless to say, I am wasting her time ordering this kind of sandwich and still get only charged a buck and a half.

- it takes a minimum of a month to get internet (huff & puff)…at least in Vorarlberg.

- people can wear the same clothes two times in a row to work and won’t get stared at (except by me, maybe)

- some people still refer to black people as negroes here and think this is perfectly acceptable. :O They don’t mean it in any racist way, either…it’s just…really weird and …of course, ignorant…to me, anyway. (Vern is gonna have a blast when he comes visit. Especially if he brings his favorite T-shirt that says No, white lady I don't want your damn purse.) ;)

- at the gas-station, you pay after you put gas in.

- when you get a speeding-ticket you pay the cop in cash (yes, I got a ticket already, …test-driving one of them damn cars…and no, I wasn’t fooled…you really do pay them cash…you get a receipt.)

- there is no take-out coffee! ... the whole fast-food and take-out/delivery thing is generally not really present

- all shops close at 5 or 6pm..a lot of them are closed on Saturdays...and ALL businesses are closed on Sundays and state-holidays. Coming from NYC, the city that proverbially and literally never sleeps, this is quite an adjustment.

To be continued

Maia sez

Dario is sleeping in late. Around 9am Maia has had enough.:
Mom, she says with an annoyed tone of voice, what is it with Daddy? He is just sleeping and sleeping. ...He's like Sleeping Beauty.

----------------

Maia is getting on my last nerve. I am trying to put baby down for a nap and every time she's almost asleep, Maia bursts in the door, ignoring all my pleas to leave. After the 3rd time, I lose it and yell out: Dario, would you please tie this child to a chair or something. She is driving me crazy. (don't know where that came from but sometimes you don't think what you're saying at high stress times).
Anyway, later in the day...the incident long forgotten....Maia calls me into her room, seemingly annoyed by her little sister. Mom, she says in a calm, very polite and by-the-way kinda voice, could you please tie baby to a chair...she is keeps on messing up my puzzle.
MAIAAA, I cry, that was only a joke! (and secretly I panic: oh my God, she is going to repeat that on her first day at school...and that will be the end of my beautiful family-life here.)

------------------

D to Maia: We have to go the Rathaus (German for City Hall) tomorrow.
Maia: I don't wanna go anywhere where there are rats running around.
--------------------

checking in

It’s weird to log into my American laptop after such a long time. Outlook reminds me of forgotten birthdays, classes I was signed up for, and that play I didn’t want to miss.

It looks like I won’t have any internet access for another 4-6 weeks (if I am lucky….a colleague of mine tells me she waited 3 months for her connection). At work I hardly have time for anything private. I barely can get in important administrative errands, forget about anything leisurely private such as writing blogs (this one I am writing, saving on a stick and posting later), preparing images for my online albums, or answering e-mails of friends. In combination with not having a land-line (only a cell-phone that charges me 20 cents/ minute) and the fact that we still are without car I would say the circumstances are rather simple, maybe even difficult here. But for some reason I really enjoy this “back to basics” first phase. I am walking to the bus in the morning, Dario walks into the village to buy groceries with the kids, and at night we heat the place with our fire-place.
It took me a few days to learn how to make fire. The first day I smoked up the whole apartment and we had to open all the windows as not to suffocate or die of gas-poisoning, which in consequence made the place even colder than it was before.

The kids are outside a lot (probably because we don’t have any toys, yet….they are still sitting in NY, being held by the moving company I’ve been bitterly fighting with over the past two weeks.) Oh, and here my first step in my mission to make sure they don’t get other business (ha, ha…well, within the group of 20 people who read my blog…or however many there are): If you’re looking to move, don’t go with INFINITY Moving and Storage Co. ….they're nice and cute until you have a problem, which, let’s face it, moving always brings some sort of problems and you have to start talking to their ghetto-fabulous costumer service rep.
I will post my e-mail correspondence with the girl later, if you care to read it. It’s long and you might not care….but …oh well, this blog entry is rather long….and really, I find it kinda lame today. It all sounded much better in my head…but that was days ago….this always happens…the perfect entry comes to me when I am in no way able to sit down and write.

Dario is calling. He made left-over lunch. He’s been great so far. Building, fixing, assembling, cooking, you name it. ...but I think, it is finally sinking in that he is pretty much alone here. No social circle, no language, and last but not least, the only stay-at-home dad in the neighborhood.

Other that that it's been good..specially now that spring is coming …but I really…really miss my friends in NY.

quick quick - austria arrival

so much to tell but so little time. In the meantime, I am using my e-mail correspondence to capture some of the events. More to come.
----------------------------------
beth writes:
Hi....just a quick note to say I Hope the trip was safe & uneventful!!!!
......I started crying when I got home and started doing a 'pick-up' of the toy scatter left by Sunday mornings activities!!!!!!.....I will miss my girls (& their parents too!)
.....get me your mailing address ASAP.
...Nayla's birthday is in less than 2 weeks!!!....it hardly seems like 2 years since I carried her out of the hospital on her way home for the first time!!!!
....will call Rosa tomorrow to see where she needs help getting your apt. into shape.....
Love always
B (& Howie too!)
XXXOOO
----------------------------------------------
sisi writes:
I cried, too ... a couple of times. ; (Then the eventfulness of the trip set in. Forgot diapers for Nayla, then 2 hours waiting in the plane (some missing screw somewhere), then waiting in Zurich cause the plane tunnel thingy didn`t work...then Nayla fell in that plane tunnel thingy and bled from her nose for like a half an hour, then 2 hours at the Zurich airport trying to maneuver 8 bags, 3 backpacks, 2 kids and a stroller from the terminal to the car and most importantly INTO the car. We should have taken a picture of us and the bags squeezed on and into that vehicle. I still can`t believe it. Then we had to drive an hour and a half to our new place, drag all the bags up a long set of stairs, then drive to Bludenz (another hour) to fulfill lunch (at that point dinner) date. I think I was falling asleep talking and finally went to sleep around 8.30pm on Monday. Anyway...it`s 2am now and I gotta get up at 7am to continue the 18.000 chores I have to do before work starts on Monday. ;)

Rosa could definitely use some help. I feel bad having left her with so much shit to do. THANK YOU ONCE AGAIN FOR BEING SUCH AN INCREDIBLE FRIEND!!
I love you and I miss you already! xoxoxo
s.
PS: xox also to Howie.

no more sleep 'til sunday

I've decided that the only way to find time to take care of all the things on my before-we-leave-the-country-to-do-list is to omit any and all sleep until Sunday. Oh well, one can't have everything.

so, back to cleaning the house I go. then I need to shower and I really must get started on weeding through our filing cabinet. It's just gonna be me and my shredder for the night.

Red Bull here I come.

oh, but before I log off...I just wanted to jot down this one little conversation D overheard yesterday:
Lucas (Rosa's 4-year old son & Maia's best friend) to Maia: You know, you can't have any boys over at your house anymore. ..... Only me. .....You can have a hundred girls...but no boys.

Interesting, isn't it? Where is he getting this from? He doesn't watch TV like that. He has no such environment. Must really be in the male genetic make-up ...that whole possessive urge.
;)

beauty = power

this morning, as both kids are glued to me once again while I am trying to catch a few more minutes of sleep, I finally turn to Maia and ask half-frustratedly (if that's a word):
What is it with you girls that you have to stick to me like that? You have a perfectly good daddy right outside this door, much more awake and willing to help you than I am. ....Is it that you like me better, or what?
Maia: yes! :)
Me: Really? And why is that?
Maia: Because you're prettier than Daddy.

LOL. well, I sure am glad we're teaching the girl all the right values here. ;)

nostalgic breakdowns

It was only natural that I was crying when I cancelled my final interview with the ICP-Bard admissions committee last week, however, the reason for my nervous breakdown in front of the dairy section of Stop & Shop a few days ago brought my attention to some apparently much deeper sadness about my plans to leave my life here in New York. Nevertheless, I blamed the stress, got myself together and moved on to the juice isle.

This morning, however, I woke up once again with a heavier heart - aware that the days until our departure are now in the single digits. When I then checked my admissions status at SVA I almost came to tears again .... and I was only navigating through the site. I am just becoming very aware of what I am letting go here. A creative endeavor I have always dreamed of....

But I am getting over it. This whole move is for the better, I believe.
For the better of the family ...and that is what should be my first priority anyway.

I am going to miss my friends.
I am going to miss New York.
But it's gonna be alright.
I hope.

Hey, I'm allowed to be a bit nostalgic here, am I not?!

all things come to an end

To save some time, here today`s e-mail exchange with one of my closest friends.
_
He writes:
---------------------
Hey Sisi,

I don't have a lot of time to write right now. I've been in a little bit of a funk-- no doubt you've heard that work is a little crazy with people jumping ship and one of my best friends in the world will be leaving soon.

But I wanted to say, yeah. Last minute panicking is natural, but all things considered I'm confident you're making the right decision. One, the girls need to learn German and English (and probably some Spanish and a forth Asian language) if they're going to thrive in the emerging market, plus no doubt getting them into a quality school won't be such a crap shoot, especially once they get a handle on German.

Two, I think you've been loosing important pieces of yourself over the past few years-- no doubt you discovered as much about yourself as you lost, but I think it's a good time for you to reclaim a lot of who you used to be.

Third, Dario needs a change, I think there were too many things around him reinforcing his juvenial inclinations. Working in a completely new environment will be really challenging and one thing about D he welcomes a good challenge, so I think this will go a long way to growing him up. If I were, I wouldn't expect him to stop playing games though, that's an inescapable global phenomena.

As far as graduate school goes. I've always been one of those folks in the camp that if you really want to be a photographer, that's what you'll be. If you're doing it for the right reasons (driving by the passion the challenge the desire the love to capture and make precious some of life's fleeting moments) then it doesn't matter whether you do so as a professional or an amateur (who, I remind you, is someone who engages a habitual activity out of love). But if you're not convinced, well, graduate programs have been around for at least 50 years, I'm sure they'll still be around when you're ready.Anyway, I need to get back to work, no doubt, more later.

Vern
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
hey vern,

thanks for your wonderful and very insightful e-mail.
This is the kind of emotional support I need at this great crossroads of my life (although, ....technically I feel like I`ve already passed the crossing...;)

Anyway, it was good to hear your feedback and, believe me, it isn`t easy for me to let go of my friendships either. I`ve been in a funk myself for the past few days. Good thing we are living in the 21st century and keeping in touch and up-to-date won`t be such an undertaking. Plus, I did always prefer your writing....although, I must say, your wife has done a good job polishing those rough (sometimes very annoying) edges of yours. - sh*t...somehow that sentence didn`t work....already I am losing my English....BUT hey! you know what a friend of the family told me today?! ...a few weeks ago she had run into my old German teacher (in the States, comparable to one`s Englisch teacher, I suppose)....and he had told her that I was his best student in his 35 years of duty as a professor.
How come they don`t tell you this when you go to school? I don`t recall EVER getting a compliment at school. .... of course, there must have been some...but apparently they were so rare that I don`t remember. What I do remember are the beatings and never-ending scoldings I got at school.
Although, I think, my English teacher once complimented me on my continous excellence on our English vocabulary tests. Of course, the last paragraph is anything but a good example of those apparent "excellent" English skills. ;)
My mom reminded me that I used to be very athletic...always bringing home medals. I don`t remember any medals. That must have been wishful motherly thinking. ;) ....Actually, wait!....I do remember a medal...once...I got in 3rd or 4th place in a bobsledding race, in which I almost died btw. (aah, the beauty of small-town athletic events. safety: a non-issue.)

Anyway, ....it`s getting late. Only a few days until I finally fly back to my beloved family.
Nini has been potty-trained in my absence. I am upset. ....... and she isn`t even two, yet.

Oh,... one more story before I go:
Yesterday, I got a skype call at work. I saw it was Dario calling, so I hung up...thinking what is he doing calling me at work? I can`t be skyping here. Then it rings again, so I picked up....not saying anything...waiting for him to tell me what he needs to tell me.
Then I hear Maia: MOOOM, I know you`re there. ...Say something. It was too cute. ;)Then she started going on about her day, and what she had been doing, and how her dad is annoying her but that she loves him anyway....
Finally Dario came into the room...quite surprised. Apparently, she must have picked my name out of the contact list and then just pressed the button to call me. May I mention that the other day I spent about 45 min. trying to explain to my father, who is about 60 years older than my daughter, how to make a phone-call with skype. ;)

ok. now I really am going to go.
Today is my 8th wedding anniversary....and this summer D and I will have been together for 11 years.
I`m slightly amazed.
;)
anyway, I gotta go.
say hi to your lady,
c-u soon,
s.

forget what I wrote yesterday

....that was just BS, I think.
I think, I am just afraid of this big step. That`s all.

Most of all I am probably afraid I might regret the fact that I will have to reject the acceptance of Graduate Schools I have tried very hard to get into. Schools that are very selective and whose invitation to study isn`t to be taken for granted.

Oh well, at least I can comfort myself with the fact that I got in.
But seriously, I think I am standing on an edge here. Don`t know what will happen when I jump (I can`t even say if I jump).

Do I really want to live in a country that allows advertisement such as this?



The poster is an ad of the liberal party (which really is a right-wing party) and it is supposed to encourage people to sign their petition to forbid Turkey its anticipated membership in the European Union.
The poster's headline asks if we want this to be our future. (aaaarrrgh. f*in idiots. I can`t believe they get away with this).
Anyway, so far they haven`t really had much response to this. The petition booths opened 3 days ago and except for a few senior citizens nobody seems to sign. So, thank God, there is hope. People are not all idiots.

But really, I wonder, if I will find this peace and goodness I am looking for in life. I am afraid that my expectations will be shattered and that I will be bitterly disappointed .......and when this happens, where will I go? How do we flee from human failure? It is everywhere. Even within ourselves.

nightmares and doubts

Last night was filled with bad dreams about me being here. Anxieties driven by an earlier conversation with my grandmother, I suppose. It wasn`t like I didn`t know this was coming. My grandmother has always been critical about all my big life-changing decisions. Going to America, getting married, having my first child, etc. I clearly remember the things she told me about the latter fact: "You just finished college. Weren`t you going to start your career now? Well, your life is over now. It`s the end of all your passions, anyway," she said, "I don`t understand why you have to have a child now." Mind you, I was 27 then and already pregnant. This just isn`t the kind of thing you tell someone who is already half-way through with the project, so to say.

Anyway, yesterday when I spoke to her on the phone she totally broke me.
I was visiting a friend`s house - a small dinner party. Needless to say, I was embarrassed to rejoin the table, for I had troubles to remain composed. I had to step away twice to take a few deep breaths in the hallway to be able to control myself and not break into tears.
My grandmother had hit a raw nerve. An underlying anxiety about this whole existence-changing endeavor of mine (ours). She hit the fears about the risk I am taking and she hit my insecurities like a pro mom-surrogate, I suppose.
I think you are being irresponsible here. You are always jumping all over the place. But, oh well, you`ve always been that way.
-Grandma, I said, how can you say that? I`ve been in New York for almost ten years. I`ve been working at the same place for about 8 years. I have my own apartment, I have been in the same relationship for almost 11 years. How much more stable can I be?
-Why do you want to come back? she countered, I thought you are happy there. I find it reckless of you to leave a stable job, your apartment, everything you have to come back here.
-I am taking a leave (if all goes bad, we can return and I, at least, will have a job), we are renting our place...
-I don`t understand why.
-I just think it`s better for the kids.
-I don`t buy that. I don`t believe that you would do something like this just for the kids.
-(ouch). Listen, if I would be selfish, I`d stay. I love New York City. I just got note from the first of the three Graduate Schools I applied to that I have been accepted and that is a great honor and opportunity. They don`t just take anybody. They are extremely selective. Out of hundreds of applications they take maybe 10 people.
- Well, this isn`t really what you wanted anyway. You always wanted to work in the film business.
- It is, too, what I wanted. It was one of my options, one of my paths. The reason I came to New York to study photography is because I didn`t make the entry exam into the only Viennese photo-program.
-That`s because you didn`t try hard enough.
-What? I studied hard. How could I know that it turned out to be all math and chemistry on that test.
-Well, you`re going to proceed as you like anyway,..soo whatever you say.

This was only an excerpt of the things she told me. I am still shaken by it, when I shouldn`t be. Why do I let this affect me in such a way? I know better. She doesn`t know my life, she doesn`t know the details, the realities, ....she is just passing a judgement as an outsider.
MUST ignore.

Anyway, today I am beginning to be really homesick.

things fall into place

I finished my second week at the job here in Austria and things are looking better work-wise. It is a LOT of work but it is not always the same, for I will be doing editorial work and project work (50:50). Already, my mind is sharper for I have to be very alert all day long.
Imagine a news agency. This is what the editorial part of my day entails, which I find kinda funny, since I haven`t kept track of the news (world, Austria, whatever) in years. I just didn`t have the time to go dig for the stuff I needed to know. Anyway, it`s not like they don`t like to bring gossip and mundane stuff on their newsportal, as well, but I also get exposed to all the important info (hey, I now know, for example, who the Polish president is, when he was elected and how you spell his name ...Lech Kaczynki. Now that I look at it...I`m not so sure if it`s really spelled that way but at least I know who we`re talking about if his name is mentioned. ;)
The editorial work is also a bit stressful, for we are working on a news-portal (i.e. we change the stories on it every few minutes. it feels like, you`re never finished with your work, which is a bit agitating.)

The other day I posted a story on the homepage, and when I told the editor-in-chief to have a quick look, she said: "Nice,...but..ehm... why is it in English?"
Totally didn`t realize that I had switched to an English text. So for about a half an hour (until all servers had updated their content) our little Vorarlberg newportal had a moment of great internationality. ;)

Other than work, I`ve been looking for apartments and have actually found one I am totally taken by.



In these images you can see the typical European weather. Or Austrian, anyway. It`s bad weather half the time, which makes you appreciate a day of sun and beauty allthemore (if that`s a word - probably not). In the entire time that I`ve been here we had maybe one and a half days of sun.
New York rocks in that department. Always freaggin` sunny. I loooove that.

ok. I have to go now. The shops close early here (the ones that are open on Saturdays close at 5pm. Sundays everything is closed, except for some gas-station stores.)

Also, today is "Funka". This is a costum apparently only practiced in Vorarlberg. Every village builds and burns down a big woodtower on this Sunday evening with a scare-crow style witch (filled with explosives- well, fireworks) tied to the top. They say it`s to scare away the winter but really it has its origins in the witch-hunts of the middle-ages. Also, I think it`s another reason to get drunk together. ;) No, seriously, ...it`s a fun thing to do with the kids...and watching a fire burn seems to fascinate all people through the ages.
Anyway, I don`t think I`m going. Let`s see, who`ll drag me.

in a land far far away

so, here I am. home. in austria. thousands of miles away from my family. it seems unnatural to be so far away from my children.
I try to think of the people at war...mothers at war. How the hell do they do it? I, at least, know that I will be back in a few weeks. Alive, most likely. Of course, one can never say but, well..you know what I mean.

I`ve been trying out at a job here. And whoever is reading this blog that works with me in NY, please keep that mouth shut. ;)
I just don`t know for sure if this is going to work out. Although, I must say.... I am pretty certain I am going to go through with this. D cannot wait for my final answer but since I still have two weeks to evaluate this job and everything that goes with it, I don`t want to say anything, yet.

Work-life here presents itself from a very different side. I know that the people here in Vorarlberg (Austria) are particularly known for their strong work-ethic. Having spent most of my youth here, I must have picked it up inadvertently. In fact, I have been ridiculed for it at my job in New York (by my co-workers AND my boss). But I didn`t understand what they must have meant by it until now that I am returning to my home, being able to see things from an outsider`s perspective.

Let me point out a few things: People here are extremely punctual. Over-punctual, one could say, for they appear to always be early. They take their jobs very seriously. That is not to say we don`t take our jobs seriously but I hardly know any people that do not engage in some private activities at the job. Be it in the form of chats, private mails, private internet research, or even just "extensive" social chatting with co-workers. Here things look different. People do not have private phone-conversations during work (maybe to quickly coordinate a later meeting but that`s it). They don`t check their private e-mail accounts, and they certainly don`t do any private websurfing.
I remember my father coming home for lunch when I was a kid but at the place I am trying out now the lunch-break is a half an hour long and everyone goes together. One also always brings their laptop with them, in case there is an urgent message. And almost all of them bring their cordless work-phones.
During the day they go for 2 or 3 coffee breaks (max. 5-10 min) and they also go all together.
I wouldn`t mind the herding urge but we already work all together in one big communal office (17 people, no cubicles), why spend the breaks together, too?
Maybe I am becoming antisocial on my old days but I need some alone time, as well.

It really isn`t as bad as it sounds, however, my mind is arguing with my gut. My mind tells me that this is crazy. I am willing to let go of a perfectly good job in New York freakin` City, with double the income I`d be taking home here, unmeasurably more flexibility and autonomy, and the possibilty to attend Graduate School on the side (to finally pursue my true passion: photography).

But my gut tells me this is what I am supposed to do. It just feels right to be here. I can`t explain it. The weather sucks. The job is questionable. I don`t know where the hell we`re going to live (i.e. how we would be able to afford our life here on a quarter of the amount of what we earn now). I don`t know how Dario is going to handle life as a houseman in a country, of which he does not speak the language.

I know the sacrifices I will be making (mostly work, work, work, work - HA HA) but I think this will be one of the very few times in my life I will listen to my heart.



...too bad I won`t prostitute myself for a movie-career. That`s probably the only thing that could have kept me in NY: The fulfillment of my fantasy of being an actress. ;) - to read what the hell that is all about click here.

never mind the movie career

Turns out James T. is kinda messed up in the head. Famous or not, this ain't my game. While he generally seemed like a nice guy he also is a sex-obsessed old man (no news for anyone who knows him, I suppose). I don't care how many celebrities he's slept with before he put them in his movie, it ain't gonna be me. And essentially, that's what I told him.
By the way, turns out a lot of celebrities that I thought were sweet, "honorable" people seem to be total sluts...according to Toback's stories anyway.
I am very disillusioned. Oh well, I kinda anticipated it. The instinct was there.

Good thing I took my friend with me to meet him, for it was really a bit of an awkward situation.

Anyway, ever since the moment of my director encounter Dario has been behaving like a total a-hole. I don't know if it's jealousy or whatever but I am really getting tired of his infantile behavior. He should know me by now.

10 years. Faithful.
Seems to mean nothing to him. ....or maybe, he doesn't believe it. I don't know.
Either way, I am insulted....and he doesn't care, of course.

Anyway, he's up to something....and it's driving me nuts. I don't have time for games. HE's a f-in' boy...a boy.

And yesterday, as I was going downtown, I told him to please call Rosa to make sure the kids are being picked up on time. He called her at 5.15 which gave her exactly 15 minutes to race from the Bronx to Manhattan to pick up the kids before the school closed. Then he didn't show up to relieve the babysitter until 7.30pm. "I lost track of time," he said to Rosa, who was still holding on to Maia. He then had to drive the babysitter who had been watching Nini home, so essentially he finally came to get the kids around 8pm.
When I returned at 10pm they were still up.

I was so mad. Completely unreliable. Can never be counted on.
What do you mean "I lost track of time?" .... he went to visit a friend who had had an accident (fine), ...with some girl I don't know (whatever)...and then he drove the girl home (somewhere in Yonkers). He left work at 3.30 though...so "how the hell can it take you until 7.30 to get back? You have two children waiting for you. You were the one responsible yesterday." Rosa felt taken advantage of (but she still cooked dinner for him) and I felt really angry (but I still told him how much I loved him before I went to bed).