i changed my mind

We had a really nice and relaxed summer. Hanging out with the kids has been pretty nice, for they are now old enough that you can actually have real conversations with them, and - more importantly - ignore them without any hurt feelings, doing your own thing while they do theirs. This lull and realization that they're growing up has brought me to the romantic thought of wanting another baby. Never mind the fact that there is no man present to reproduce with, let alone raise a child with. Or the fact that I hated being pregnant and taking care of babies and toddlers is more work than one can ever have. But anyway, I changed my mind real quick after the first week of classes.

***

The beginning of the school year came down on me with all its anticipated but still underestimated weight causing desperately stressed outbursts toward my kids as well as - semi-silently hissed under breath - short cursing episodes toward uncollaborative good-for-nothing computer and underperforming self. (uncollaborative - apparently not a word.)

Today, I should have had the afternoon to continue work, which I should have done more of in the morning. Instead, I spent it trying to guide my 10-year-old through a tribute poster on 911. Since the kid wasn't even born during the tragedy of September 11, it is difficult to get her to understand the gravity of this day without showing her horrifying footage of planes crashing into buildings and people jumping off them, which I refuse to do. In fact, I myself have avoided any and all 9/11 images since 9/11. I didn't see the point. All it did was make me cry and shift me into some sort of PTSD state. I remember exactly what happened and, I suppose, these awful memories will never go away.

On to a lighter topic.

.. nope.. I don't have anything light to talk about tonight. I'm frustrated... which is why I am writing.