wishing to be sick is stupid

Everytime I make the mistake of telling someone how I haven't been sick in so long, I become ill the next day. This pattern has been so reliable that, when I was tempted to utter the dooming words to a friend, I stopped myself, mentioning the above jinx, and then shut up. Alas, the damage was done.

Maybe it's that I just know when I'm getting sick and then I think about it until - by law of attraction - I make it come true. It's the altered mind state of sickness, the excuse to sleep during the day, watch movies, and read without time limits that gets me to "fantasize" about it. Of course, reality always looks different. Once the aching body and stuffy nose have arrived, I am reminded that I cannot afford to be out of commission, for the chores and duties of motherhood haven't gone out sick together with me and there is no "other half" to pick up the slack. There is homework to be helped with, children to be chauffeured around, dinner to be prepared, and unusually large and messy spills to be dealt with (because those only happen when you either have no time for it and are on your way out the door or are at the brink of collapse from exhaustion).

i changed my mind

We had a really nice and relaxed summer. Hanging out with the kids has been pretty nice, for they are now old enough that you can actually have real conversations with them, and - more importantly - ignore them without any hurt feelings, doing your own thing while they do theirs. This lull and realization that they're growing up has brought me to the romantic thought of wanting another baby. Never mind the fact that there is no man present to reproduce with, let alone raise a child with. Or the fact that I hated being pregnant and taking care of babies and toddlers is more work than one can ever have. But anyway, I changed my mind real quick after the first week of classes.

***

The beginning of the school year came down on me with all its anticipated but still underestimated weight causing desperately stressed outbursts toward my kids as well as - semi-silently hissed under breath - short cursing episodes toward uncollaborative good-for-nothing computer and underperforming self. (uncollaborative - apparently not a word.)

Today, I should have had the afternoon to continue work, which I should have done more of in the morning. Instead, I spent it trying to guide my 10-year-old through a tribute poster on 911. Since the kid wasn't even born during the tragedy of September 11, it is difficult to get her to understand the gravity of this day without showing her horrifying footage of planes crashing into buildings and people jumping off them, which I refuse to do. In fact, I myself have avoided any and all 9/11 images since 9/11. I didn't see the point. All it did was make me cry and shift me into some sort of PTSD state. I remember exactly what happened and, I suppose, these awful memories will never go away.

On to a lighter topic.

.. nope.. I don't have anything light to talk about tonight. I'm frustrated... which is why I am writing.

where have i been? life update in 8 paragraphs.

2007-2014

Since I am returning to this blog, I guess, a quick update of the past 7 years is in order.
D and I divorced. The year that followed was the most difficult of my life, or so I thought.
I expected that we were going to be together forever but after three years of trying to save our marriage (without much of his participation or interest), I finally called it quits.

Entirely too soon after my separation from D, I got together with J, which - never in my life - thought would have been a plausible possibility. His marriage of 14 years also had ended and after a year and a half of not speaking, he looked me up, catching me right at the tail end of my separation from D, which allowed for an emotional openness I wouldn't have allowed myself during my marriage.

And so I fell for this troubled man. Fell deeply and madly.
This relationship has a blog of its own I don't want to share but to put it into a few words ...
     I learned a thing or two about unconditional love. He brought me to hell and back but we survived .. or, actually, he didn't. .. Just when I thought we had made it and were heading toward normalcy, after more than 6 years of on and off struggle, he died suddenly at the age of 36. Heart failure, says the medical examiner, claiming the drugs and liquor of his relapse had nothing to do with his death.
J couldn't help it. He was bipolar and he ultimately fell victim to his disease through one of the many cliche avenues - addiction. Nonetheless, I blamed myself. If I had been more supportive, if I had not had this fight with him, if I had been more present, or told him more often how much I loved him .. maybe this wouldn't have happened. Alas - our lives parted with the most awful words imaginable, said in the heat of an argument, never to be taken back again. "Get the f out of my house and don't you ever come back! You hear me? Ever." .. And, he didn't ... even though I was waiting for him to disobey my angry orders. Waiting for him to knock on my door the next day to tell me he knew that I didn't mean it and that we were going to make it. That his recovery from this beast was on the horizon.

The months after his death were a fog. I went on leave from my job and finally quit, after 13 years of service. I cried almost every single day in that first year after J's death. I also had dozens of spiritual experiences I never had in my life before. In a way, this tragedy has instilled much more faith in me than I've ever been capable of. And, it brought a new dimension to my faith, which I thought to be a silly concept until I experienced their presence and guidance first-hand. Angels. And this is where I will leave this topic because, my spirituality is very personal and about a year ago I would have made fun of someone who believes in angels. You may as well have said to me you believe in fairies. But, I have changed. My life has changed. I could write a whole separate blog on this  but I'm trying to bring this baby back to its roots: Light-hearted observations (and lots of ranting [bitching!] about frustrating crap that seems to always happen concurrently at any given moment of my day).

So - a few months ago I decided I'm done with crying. Death is a part of life and I needed to accept what awful hole in my heart and life I now had and make it work somehow - just as millions of other people do and have done throughout history and the world. This, of course, I told myself all throughout 2013 but only recently did I manage to actually put my words into action. I guess, I needed to live through this awful grief to arrive at the point at which I could make such a choice.

It is now autumn. School has just begun and I am getting adjusted to another year without my other half. Lucky me, God has blessed me with two unbelievably awesome daughters, who occasionally stress the heck out of me but who - overall - are two pretty cool and loving people. They are 10 and 12 now. I like our little family unit  ... but, honestly, I wouldn't mind to get laid again sometime in the near future. The question is .. will such a thing be possible or will I become a cat lady because all men are dogs? Because, I refuse to entertain any flirtations with men who are in relationships, let alone married, and that seems to be the only kind out there.
... But, that can't be true...  I personally know several men who are really nice, non-cheating individuals ... so, maybe I'm too jaded or pessimistic?

Photographing weddings helps with keeping my romantic hope alive. I have to fight my tears of joyful compassion every time I am witnessing a couple's vows. It is such a significant and beautiful moment. I believe. I believe in it!
If J wouldn't have been so unstable, deeply in debt, and a raging alcoholic, I would have married him in a heartbeat. ;)
.. He wasn't really a 'raging' alcoholic... he was honestly trying to fight this thing. He tried so hard. I saw the desperation in his eyes. But I also saw defeat. I often felt just so bad for him. :(

Anyway .. so much for my "quick" update.
Sorry it was mostly depressing. It's deceiving, for a lot of good and a lot of love has sprung from this.