a true revelation

I have been struggling with a certain inability to get over someone I should not even be having to "get over." It is a guy who is 10 years younger than I, a total playboy (or f***boy as they call them nowadays), someone who drinks and smokes too much, someone I would have never thought I could fall for. And, I probably didn't, ..... but it feels like it.
And here is what I mean by that.

Let's call this (29-yr-old) boy Tiburon. The Spanish word for shark, which is what they call him out there, as he is known for his womanizing ways. I chose to hang out with T deliberately for these reasons. I didn't want a relationship or anything serious.  In the beginning of last year I had attempted to have one of those and failed miserably, for I was simply still grieving over J, who I lost in 2013.

T was perfect. He was honest, funny, and charming. And he danced with a special kick in his step.
In the summer, I took a break from him, because I noticed that I began to get emotionally involved despite the fact that we were in a completely open arrangement. I'm one of those people who runs away when they feel vulnerable (i.e. develop feelings for someone).
T stayed away but kept reaching out for months asking to get together. I finally gave in on my birthday. I was alone and thought, foolishly, that I could keep it at coffee and would be able to resist him otherwise. From that day on (back in October), he came over almost every single day. It was beautiful. We never fought - because we weren't in a relationship and made no claims over one another. It was nothing but positivity and carefree evenings together, followed by nights in each other's embrace.
There were a few strange elements - for example, Mr. Player who used to come over for nothing but sex in the beginning suddenly didn't want to have any at all for long stretches of time. He also used to kiss much more than he then did when we saw each other daily. But, somehow, our intimacy still grew stronger despite this lack of physical action.

By the end of the year - around Christmas - he had an emotional breakdown. And, I don't mean that in the traditional sense of the word. I mean, this boy, who never let me in emotionally (i.e. we never talked about us ... and especially not about what he was feeling), suddenly opened up to me big time. It could all have been the liquor talking. Or the smoke or whatever. But, what he said, he told me while holding both my hands with tears streaming down his face. He said that I was perfect, that he didn't deserve me, that he can't give me what I want (he may have come to the conclusion that I want a baby - my fault), but that he can't even go with other girls anymore because he feels guilty. Now, if that isn't honesty then I don't understand this world. But, the things he did say to me were later identified as three red flags in identifying a man who is about to run. (I have learned this because I spent weeks watching dating advice videos after we split - trying to [a] understand what just happened and [b] get the F over this pain I felt over the loss of a relationship that wasn't even officially a relationship!

Anyway, so - naturally, the baring of his innermost thoughts suddenly created feelings on my end. Or, should we say, revealed them, for I was not aware that I felt this way, at all. Two days later, my jealousy had become so intense that I told him this isn't working and cut myself out of the equation. Because, here I was, falling for a total player. Danger! Danger! So, I ran because I was afraid of getting hurt down the road. What I did instead, of course, was hurt myself (and maybe him?) prematurely and I totally didn't anticipate how badly it would affect me. How could I be this emotionally touched by someone who barely wanted to sleep with me?

T obeyed my wishes without a fight. A fight, I wish maybe he would have taken up. But, I guess, the lack thereof should be a testament on its own about the true depth of his feelings for me. Maybe he was just not that into me and whatever he said, he said because he wasn't sober.

But - whatever it may be - the separation was an agonizing struggle for me. To make matters worse, he had another chick in like a minute, something he didn't feel the need to be discreet about as he posted picture after picture of her on his social media feeds, which brings me to the conclusion that this may be more than just one of his many alternatingly used girls. I still see them together. Looks like he may actually like this one more than anyone else. Or, maybe he saw what a nice relationship could be when we were together and finally opened himself up to the real thing again. That thought feels better on the ego, so I'll go with that. Alas, it doesn't make the sadness any less intense.

What did take away some of my melancholy and obsession about this (or maybe not, since I am now writing about it) was a nearly spiritual experience I had last Friday. And this is why I am actually here. To document this strange revelation.

So ... this whole past week had been a struggle. More so than usual did I obsess about T, and then, simultaneously, spent time upset with myself that I was still m-f-in' thinking about him. It made NO sense! Why? He clearly had moved on. He clearly was never into me. We clearly had no future (for I have no interest in being with a self-involved player and yet another man who doesn't know he has a substance abuse problem.)
By Friday, after working until 1 a.m., until I literally couldn't look at the computer anymore, I stood there in my office room frustrated that I went right back from work focus to being sad about T. I ordered myself to stop thinking and decided to just relax, listen to music, and smoke (by myself, which is something I never really do but I didn't want to talk any of my friends' ear off  about T for yet another evening). As I sat there, the music's beat synchronizing to my heart, looking out the window, I noticed from the corner of my eye that a picture of my kids had fallen over on the shelf over my desk. I decided to get up and fix it and when I did, I noticed, that it had revealed my copy of the Qu'ran standing on the shelf. It was a copy that my ex-husband had brought into the house more than a decade ago and I had never actually opened it. I was raised Muslim, but I'm just not a religious person anymore. I believe in God (in an abstract way) and even in guardian angels (and that is a whole other story), but I don't really want to have anything to do with organized religion anymore. I believe it has its benefits but, I feel, mostly, it divides people when it should bring everyone together. ... Anyway ... this experience, even though it was religious .. ironically .. did bring all my friends of different beliefs together.. but let me not jump ahead of myself.

So - there it was ... this old, heavy translation of the Qu'ran. "This seems like a message", I thought to myself as I looked at all the other propped pictures on the shelf standing right were they were before. I dismissed it and returned to my futon to sit down. "Yea, but I don't want to read any heavy religious texts right now. ... I don't want to run into anything sexist that's gonna upset me .. I just don't want to ruin my high here." ... S! You listen when you're being spoken to. ... "Yea, but, I have my period anyway, and I'm not supposed to touch the Qu'ran on my period." (Something that I had learned when I was a kid and that kind of stuck. Like the not eating pork thing. Not religious anymore, just ingrained behavior.) ... -- Lame excuse. .. But, anyway, ... in case you haven't noticed ... you may be on your period - BUT - you have not bled ONE drop today all day. ... so, what is your excuse now?
I decided to end my inner soliloquy, for I began to feel guilty, and got back up to retrieve the book from the shelf. I sat down and opened it to a random page, starting to read in the middle of the page, and - I kid you not - this is what it said:

A direct response to my agony over how this didn't make sense but then again, maybe I had really fallen for him?! I was about to completely lose my way when this kinda set me straight.

T is not real love. It is all about self-indulgence. It is all about me, not him.
T managed to bring light into my life and make me forget, for just a moment, that there is a giant void left by J's death. T brought light-heartedness and hope back to me. He wasn't meant to stay and me now finding myself convinced that I must love him because I can't get over him, is a false conclusion.

I shared this passage with a few girlfriends and each one of them was able to relate to it in a different way as it applied to their situation, which made me think about how beautiful (but also dangerous then) it is what one can do with religious texts. Beautiful because it can be so versatile in its interpretation as to fit many different situations in life; dangerous because we all know what people throughout history have done with religious texts (interpreting them to their advantage). Let me not get started on this, because just the thought of this makes me upset. Extremist groups in the Middle East being some of the worst examples for this abuse of a guidance book that is meant to help people live better lives. And all in order to serve their own selfish desires. Ok, must stop now before I start an unrelated rant.

where have i been? life update in 8 paragraphs.

2007-2014

Since I am returning to this blog, I guess, a quick update of the past 7 years is in order.
D and I divorced. The year that followed was the most difficult of my life, or so I thought.
I expected that we were going to be together forever but after three years of trying to save our marriage (without much of his participation or interest), I finally called it quits.

Entirely too soon after my separation from D, I got together with J, which - never in my life - thought would have been a plausible possibility. His marriage of 14 years also had ended and after a year and a half of not speaking, he looked me up, catching me right at the tail end of my separation from D, which allowed for an emotional openness I wouldn't have allowed myself during my marriage.

And so I fell for this troubled man. Fell deeply and madly.
This relationship has a blog of its own I don't want to share but to put it into a few words ...
     I learned a thing or two about unconditional love. He brought me to hell and back but we survived .. or, actually, he didn't. .. Just when I thought we had made it and were heading toward normalcy, after more than 6 years of on and off struggle, he died suddenly at the age of 36. Heart failure, says the medical examiner, claiming the drugs and liquor of his relapse had nothing to do with his death.
J couldn't help it. He was bipolar and he ultimately fell victim to his disease through one of the many cliche avenues - addiction. Nonetheless, I blamed myself. If I had been more supportive, if I had not had this fight with him, if I had been more present, or told him more often how much I loved him .. maybe this wouldn't have happened. Alas - our lives parted with the most awful words imaginable, said in the heat of an argument, never to be taken back again. "Get the f out of my house and don't you ever come back! You hear me? Ever." .. And, he didn't ... even though I was waiting for him to disobey my angry orders. Waiting for him to knock on my door the next day to tell me he knew that I didn't mean it and that we were going to make it. That his recovery from this beast was on the horizon.

The months after his death were a fog. I went on leave from my job and finally quit, after 13 years of service. I cried almost every single day in that first year after J's death. I also had dozens of spiritual experiences I never had in my life before. In a way, this tragedy has instilled much more faith in me than I've ever been capable of. And, it brought a new dimension to my faith, which I thought to be a silly concept until I experienced their presence and guidance first-hand. Angels. And this is where I will leave this topic because, my spirituality is very personal and about a year ago I would have made fun of someone who believes in angels. You may as well have said to me you believe in fairies. But, I have changed. My life has changed. I could write a whole separate blog on this  but I'm trying to bring this baby back to its roots: Light-hearted observations (and lots of ranting [bitching!] about frustrating crap that seems to always happen concurrently at any given moment of my day).

So - a few months ago I decided I'm done with crying. Death is a part of life and I needed to accept what awful hole in my heart and life I now had and make it work somehow - just as millions of other people do and have done throughout history and the world. This, of course, I told myself all throughout 2013 but only recently did I manage to actually put my words into action. I guess, I needed to live through this awful grief to arrive at the point at which I could make such a choice.

It is now autumn. School has just begun and I am getting adjusted to another year without my other half. Lucky me, God has blessed me with two unbelievably awesome daughters, who occasionally stress the heck out of me but who - overall - are two pretty cool and loving people. They are 10 and 12 now. I like our little family unit  ... but, honestly, I wouldn't mind to get laid again sometime in the near future. The question is .. will such a thing be possible or will I become a cat lady because all men are dogs? Because, I refuse to entertain any flirtations with men who are in relationships, let alone married, and that seems to be the only kind out there.
... But, that can't be true...  I personally know several men who are really nice, non-cheating individuals ... so, maybe I'm too jaded or pessimistic?

Photographing weddings helps with keeping my romantic hope alive. I have to fight my tears of joyful compassion every time I am witnessing a couple's vows. It is such a significant and beautiful moment. I believe. I believe in it!
If J wouldn't have been so unstable, deeply in debt, and a raging alcoholic, I would have married him in a heartbeat. ;)
.. He wasn't really a 'raging' alcoholic... he was honestly trying to fight this thing. He tried so hard. I saw the desperation in his eyes. But I also saw defeat. I often felt just so bad for him. :(

Anyway .. so much for my "quick" update.
Sorry it was mostly depressing. It's deceiving, for a lot of good and a lot of love has sprung from this.

happiness is subjective...

what is wrong with me? i should be happy. my kids are healthy. my family is healthy. I am (relatively) healthy. D can be annoying but really he isn't that bad as a husband. his weaknesses are bearable, so to say, even though I seem to not be able to bear them anymore.
there are people out there that have no homes, have to watch their kids die, their parents,.... there are people out there with problems, which make my complaints sound silly, stupid, ridiculous..but most of all, selfish.

this realization brings me to tears sometimes. almost every day, actually...when I see misery, injustice, or someone suffering I cry (silently) and curse at myself for being such a self-involved, spoiled little bitch. how dare I complain about my life?

then I wonder, ...am I also crying because I am overly sensitive thanks to an all underlying repressed depression?

ah, crap....I said I wasn't gonna go there...I wanted to return to light-hearted, mundane BS-kinda blogging.
well, ..just for the record (to acknowledge that this isn't an all depressive entry)...I also find pleasure in all the sadness I experience. I thank God for letting me experience or witness so much compassion and for letting me recognize so many ambivalent, rich, sad, deep and thought-provoking moments.

i wish I could express myself better (in English, anyway).

ok. I'll try to be less depressing with my next entry.

separation anxieties

so, didn`t i just recently say how i would be just fine with separating (or something like that)? well, let`s see about that.

it looks like D is in the same mood as I am (not feeling too happy in our marriage), which in a way is good, for it is at least a sign that we are on the same page but, of course, it also sucks, for this means the danger of (possibly permanent) separation is much more imminent. :( ..... It also means that one of us has to step forward and be responsible. One of us has to put emotions and frustrations aside and say, well then...we know we have problems...let`s work on them. That someone will be (is) me, like usual.
I guess, that is also the predestined task of a woman. Apparently our brains are hard-wired for this kind of stuff (keeping the community - i.e. the relationship - together).
Sigh.

I am so confused and scared.
There is so much sorrow and so much pain, and yet, so much recognition of the inevitability of it all - I am not sure how to deal with it.

I am relatively stoic - given the fact that D and I agreed to separate today. In fact, he said he would rather just divorce right away (which, I assume is the asshole in him talking). I said, if the last 12 years meant anything to him he should at least try all options to work on this relationship. But to only stay together for the kids is pointless .... I think, it just doesn`t make a difference when we separate ..it will suck for them either way. If anything, it might be easier now.

I didn`t want this to happen.
I never believed in never-ending relationships but in our case I had hope, for some reason. To love someone and to be loved back equally is not to be taken for granted, my mother once told me.

I am so sad ...but I haven`t broken down just, yet.
Well, that's not entirely true. Silent tears were running down my face this afternoon, when I made my way out of the rain and into a church. I am not Christian (in fact, I was raised Muslim) but in my worst times I always find an empty church a comforting place to talk to God.
It doesn`t matter where you connect ...it just matters that you do. And without religion it is even harder to find that place.
Nature is a good environment to pray but I am usually in a city, so ... churches work, too. Any house of God, I suppose.

....

disturbing self-realizations and promising resolutions

It is slightly disturbing how much I enjoy my time off at the moment (last week before I, too, return to NYC. Almost all chores of closing up shop in Austria I finished on Sunday. Now I am in Vienna for the last few days before my flight back. It´s inspiring - and a little depressing, I admit - to see all my artsy friends ...all of whom are either doing music, theater or film.)

I mean, I miss my kids (and even D) but I am really o.k. with this unexpected time for myself. Complete serenity. No three constantly talking mouths. If it isn’t one of the kids it is D and I am taking way too little time for myself to be able to handle this kind of bombardment very well. I love them all very much and I would love to hold them and touch them and be near them but I need to find a way to create balance for myself.

Since divorce really isn’t the best option, although having such set rules and fixed times off sounds like an excellent structure to guarantee this much-needed time to myself (- he takes kids one week, I take them the next).
But yeah, yeah…I realize this isn’t a great way to go and I am not sure how the girls would like this scenario. On the other hand, ..I think, they would have two much happier parents….although, can’t be sure about that either. I would probably miss D to death.

Tina says that Eva says to just deal with it. Men are just like that, they are like that and it isn’t going to change. So just deal with it and focus on the good…and try to find a way to make it work. Tina says she will try to cut back on her career (not work f/t) and thus be able to take care of all the household stuff she has to take care of regardless if she is working f/t or not. By only having a p/t job, however, she thinks there will be less stress and less resentment towards Zotto, who just isn’t able to keep up with her (in terms of household and kids).

I love my girls and I want to try to make this marriage work. I will give my best. And because I love D, we have a chance. Hope he still loves me, too.

Anyway, here are my resolutions. Call them New Year’s resolutions if you will. I shall call them “make marriage work with sisi’s happiness/balance project”…which messes with my plural used in the beginning of the sentence.

1.) start working out

2.) leave for a walk around the block if overwhelmed and cabin-feverish

3.) go out on trips (park, whatever) with just one kid at a time (if D refuses to come)

4.) go rollerblading in the city once or twice a month (maybe join that group – see Time Out NY)

5.) start acting again (at any College will do just fine) …if accepted to Photo program for the fall then not doing the acting thing is o.k.

6.) Realize your creative visions (or at least write them down, dammit!!)


I would like to write down a bunch of other things on that list right now but then I might overwhelm myself. Well, let me write them down as an alternate list of points to pick from (for balance creating purposes).

- Start horse-back riding again

- Take a yoga-class

- Take a vacation by yourself once a year (something with horse-back riding or snorkeling). Maybe join those ya-yah sisterhood ladies that go to the beach with horses once a year…”something something sisters”…what are they called?

- Exhibit your photographs or joint venture projects. Doesn’t matter where or how u do it ….just do it. Just do something! (again, write down these ideas of yours!)

- Go out with D once a month (at least) – do something different together (bicycling, concert, guided tour, exhibit, soup kitchen, etc.)

- Take family (day) trips outside the city (get book)

- Go to a LIVE concert or a play once a month!

- Girls night out – once a month! (combine maybe with above point)

- Apply for photo jobs (freelance …for NYT, etc.?!)

To be continued

…there are an awful lot of things I am planning to do once a month…somebody do the math for my reality check. ;)

relationship going downhill

a few months ago, Dario and I were having such a long-lasting good phase that I wondered, whether it could ever go bad again. From experience, I knew that it was bound to happen but I just couldn't imagine how it could go so far down from so far up.

I don't know when exactly we went over the peak but I get the feeling that Dario still has no idea that we are near the bottom now. At least, I am.
And this time it is really bad. For me, that is. He seems to think, like always, all is jolly and dandy. Men...
It is really bad because I have actually become friends with a term called divorce. A term, which has scared me for most of my life. In fact, one of the many reasons I never wanted to get married was because I didn't want to get divorced, which I thought was an inevitable fact of life (with a few exceptions).

I am just soo tired.
I am so tired of his bad habits and the predictability thereof. I hate the fact that I can predict every unreliabilty or inconsiderate action of his, with almost no error of assumption.
Of course, he is still affectionate and tries to do nice things when he thinks about it...but these nice things are not balancing out the bad stuff anymore.
I am tired of being ignored (everything I say just goes in one ear and out the other. He simply does not care anymore, about what is important to me.)
I am tired of having to carry all responsibilty.
I am tired of having to make all the decisions by myself.
I am tired of living with a husband that acts like a 3rd child (or the first, if you wish).
I am tired of being the one, who has to take charge in trying to fix or improve our relationship.
I am tired of being disappointed.
I am tired of understanding.

The biggest problem I see for a salvation of this, is that I have just given up hope.

I want to stop turning into someone I don't like, and that's what I see happening here.
Also, soon enough he is going to be the one who will look at me and realize that he's had enough of my bitching and my sadness (if he will realize that he is the main source of this, is another question).

My mother (the family-therapist) says a temporary break (which I am yearning for) is definitely not the way to fix a relationship (but do I even want to be in this relationship anymore? If I would want to fix it it's because of the kids, I think.)
She suggests to take more space from each other, to designate own rooms in the house, for example...and to then "visit" each other (but return to one's room again). This should bring back some spark, should take out the rut and the taking each other for granted (but that will mean he'll still be messing up the rest of the house, play videogames to no end, and let me organize our life.)
The other thing she pointed out as important is to take time for oneself and to go on dates together (at least once a week)...to get back couple's time....where we are not mom and dad. - Sadly, I am so fed up, I don't even want to spend time with D alone anymore.
This is what worries me the most.
I am burnt out, I think.

To break up would probably be very very difficult. Not only because I am used to being with D. 11 years isn't nothing. Most problematic would probably be the fact that he won't leave. Knowing him I would have to get down-right nasty to get him to leave and I don't think I have the energy for that.

Only way for me to reconsider this: if he organizes therapy for us and gets me to go there (instead of me trying to get him to go ....but unlike him I would be willing to cooperate and find a way if I see he is trying.)

:/
life is kinda at a sucky point at the moment.
oh, and did I mention Maia is in the hospital with pneumonia?
yup. going back there now to spend another night there with her. poor little thing was crying so badly, when the doctor ordered another IV and told her she had to stay yet another night.
I'll post more on that later (already wrote it but no internet in the hospital, so will post later.)

finally: a decision

New York or Vorarlberg? I have finally - finally - made my decision and I tell you it is liberating to know what to do. I am not sure why or how it happened that I stopped guessing what would be the best next step but I can tell you it was a process that took many many weeks...if not months.

The final decision I made on my last day at the job. I made sure it was final by writing an unmistakable final good-bye e-mail to my colleagues at work. I don't know if I have blogged this but I was actually in line for a newsphotographer job at the local paper here. There are many reasons I withdrew my official application with that mail (I BCC-ed the chief of photography) but one of them was that I felt like I was settling for mediocrity in my trade. HAH, my trade... photography isn't my trade (yet) ...it is my passion...so I find it amusing how snobby I am in this matter. This could also have been a great chance to get into the field. You don't just apply to become a photojournalist you have to work your way there. This could have been my first step but honestly, I think, it wouldn't have done my work (i.e. style) too good. The local paper here has certain standards of what photographs they like to print. The main problem is, I suppose, that the journalist picks the photos...when there should be a photo-editor.

I did a few gigs for them, though. And all my colleagues (it is the same building I worked in) kept putting in words of praise for me (as I was told on my interview with the chief of photography), and I must say it was fun to do these shoots .... BUT ...ach you know what..never mind...I am rambling here ....and there is nothing worse than a rambling blog.

So, ....don't think I have officially announced the decision, yet:
We are moving back to New York City.

I am not sure, whether this is the right decision or not but it feels like it is the way it should be. My father always says, a right decision is something you can feel. You just feel lighter afterwards.

I regret nothing, though. I am glad we made this move, although financially it has set us back immensely. I learned a lot, I worked hard, we saw a lot, strengthened our family ties, and rediscovered the values of a simpler life, an evironmental consciousness, kindness to strangers, and more self-initiative.
I spent time refreshing good old friendships, and build a strong new one.
I learned to have more patience but most of all I learned to live without regrets. Things turned out so difficult here for us (or me, mostly...the one who seemed to carry all the responsibilty) I realized, there is absolutely no point in pondering about the "woulda-shouldas" (would haves and should haves) .

There is a sadness that comes with this decision, too.
Most difficult, I find leaving my friends, my parents (even though, their messed up relationships with their "new" mates cast a shadow on us, as well), and this closeness to nature.
I guess, I will also miss the courtesy of the people and the spinkin'-spank (spelling??!) clean streets. People just don't throw anything on the streets here. Oh, and I will miss our fire-place (NOT the cold apartment that made me have to use it all-year-round), and the ease of family-activities.
Sounds like I am writing a tourist brochure here....


two days ago...coming down from sledding on The Boedele


Nayla up on The Boedele (15 min. from us)


A Welcome Back message to Maia from one of the neighborhood kids.


I think I might have a mid-life crisis, by the way.
Or maybe it is just another version of my ongoing identity crisis. ;)
Another one suffering under my crisis is Dario.... he is getting a lot of "bitchin'" and much less "mama" from me lately.
Well, what do you want from me. We are going on 11 years together.
That's just not normal. ;)
No, but seriously.... I really could use a break. And he is not even being bad.
I am sure he wouldn't mind getting me out of his life for a little bit, either. I am just on his case, all the time.
But for now,....we are still trying to blame it all on PMS.

Before I go, another book-tip. ......... another? when have I given any booktips? Well, anyway...this one is keeping me up at night lately (this and the fact that I am still jetlagging badly) it is another Jodi Picoult novel. I've read "Vanishing Acts" in the summer and loved it.
Now I am reading "The Tenth Circle" and it is just excellently written. Took me a moment to get into the story but she just writes so damn well that is easy to get totally involved into just about any scenario.

i am a libra. final decisions are really not my thing.

damn. I've been changing my decision on what to do like every 5 minutes during the past few days.
I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I am going nuts. and what's worse is that I seem to be the only one wrecking their brain about this life-changing decision. Dario just always surfs along and then complains afterwards (regardless of the decision). His feedback is pretty empty. No real thought behind it....a reflection of his phlegmatic ways.

And no matter what the final decision will be, I will be the one who has to carry all the consequences (resulting work, organisation, etc.).

I am tired of being the one to run this family. I need TEAMWORK, damnit.

a day in the life of...me

today I had a day from hell...workload-wise.
nevertheless, into my lunchbreak I squeezed in a deep-cleaning of the bathroom and some quality time with Nayla. When I came home at 7 o'clock in the evening, I went straight to preparing dinner for the kids, and pulling them through bed-time routine (brushing teeth, pjs, reading, and keeping them in bed). Then I staightened out the living room, the hall-way, and finally, the bathroom again.

I am pretty tired....and until an hour ago I was also pretty pissed at D for letting me do all this sh*t.
Maybe I'll go to sleep early and join some of my colleagues (actually, they are from a different firm but I manage a project they develop for our company) for a sunrise hike.
They meet at their office at 4 a.m., then drive up to the Kanis Fluh (some mountain in the Bregenzer Wald), hike up to see the sunrise and then return to the office (around 10am) to get to work.
This sounds like a really cool thing to do. I just hope I can get my a** up at 3:15 in the morning....and that for hiking...which really I am not a fan of. I do like sunrises, nature, and those people, though, so I'll make that my motivation. :)

PS: Dario just came in with a bag of fresh popcorn and chocolate for me (because I have my period). Gave me a kiss and went back to his computer. Now, ...do you get my point? So sweet, but oh so sad. Is it really that men just have no clue? Does he really see nothing of my struggle? Does he really think he can make everything ok with those little gestures? They are gestures of love and I appreciate them very much but ... he's so deep in the hole they get him only a few points. ....
that popcorn is goood, though ;)
PPS: Austin Powers rocks! ;) (yes, I know, this is completely unrelated information...but not to me...I just watched the music video "Ray of Light"...Madonna rocks, too, of course;)

relationship blues

I am very wary of my relationship at the moment...
I love Dario, I do ....but I am so tired of his ways. Certain ways that leave me stuck with either more work, his work, or generally a mess. He is unreliable, can't focus (his ADD is adding an extra notch of stress), and just doesn't care. This is how he keeps his cool, which is ok, and I am happy for him. Unfortunately, he is messing with my cool and I just can't take it anymore.

I am super-edgy lately. Total bitch, if I may say. Especially, considering the fact that he is mostly very nice to me. Nice but unreliable. Nice, but inconsiderate. Nice, but blind to my stress at work (or unable to react to it properly).

I feel like I've been let down on a promise. A promise I was stupid enough to believe. I mean, I have been with the man for 11 years. I should know better.
He promised, he'll take care of everything. He'll master the household, take care of things so I don't have to worry. I told him that my job will be much more demanding and I believed him when he promised support and hard work on his part because I wanted to believe him. I wanted it to be true so badly that I ignored my reason and memory.

I love him and I always want him to be in my life but I am not sure I want to be in this relationship anymore. :(
Why can't I just beam myself to the future? Skip all the break-up drama, resentment and (understandably) resulting hurtfulness from his part and just be good friends, who care about each other and the well-being of their children.

Maybe I just need some space and maybe we just need some time apart sometimes. We have been spending way too much time together lately. Quality time is vital for every relationship but enough is enough. It's always about dosage, as they say... And I've been having wayy to big of a dosis of Dario. ;)
I need him in a different way. Intimately and as my family...but he's been substituting as my hang-out partner lately and that just won't work for me on a long-term basis. We have never had the same sense of humor (in fact, I can't stand his "funny" - always sexually suggestive - comments) and we certainly don't enjoy the same conversational topics.

sigh.
let's see where this is going.
no good phase can last forever, right;)
so, I guess, here goes the bad phase.....again.
hopefully we'll make it....again.