Every morning, I sit down to write a bullet list of things I am grateful for, a good practice I heard about on Tim Ferriss's podcast a while back. It's hard for me to be grateful in the mornings. I'm not very happy (i.e. grateful) to be awake, nor am I particularly articulate. In fact, my children know not to tick me off in the mornings, for I am an animal of instinct when I've just woken up. This usually very composed and restrained mama will become a force to be reckoned with if poked in the early hours of the day. There is cursing, needless aggression over Nutella depletion or teenage clothing choices, there are non-sensical accusations and things are said that would never come out of my mouth at any other time of the day. So, at this point, I have trained my children well to keep things calm in the morning and not agitate me, for I will regress into something, which nobody in the house wants to deal with (including me).
But - other than my state of morning madness, I am pretty much grateful all the time. For everything. Okay, maybe not everything. But, a lot. I am so incredibly grateful so often during the day that I feel it is, perhaps, built in. Is gratitude part of human nature? Or is it nurture? So many people seem to not be grateful or appreciative at all. Or maybe, I just don't know that they are. Or could it be that they are, but just for the wrong reasons? Can there even be such a thing as a wrong reason for gratitude? Do dictators, ISIS members, and other atrocious members of our world experience gratitude? And, if yes, what for? Does it still qualify as wholesome gratitude if the appreciation is for something awful or selfish? Then again, isn't all gratitude due to some sense of selfishness? We are grateful because something is good for us. Although, we do experience gratefulness on behalf of people we care about, right? Question is, is that a true altruistic sentiment or is it also based in the "selfish" interest of making oneself feel good?
Showing posts with label self-analysis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-analysis. Show all posts
Friday, November 04, 2016
Saturday, October 01, 2016
perspective ...
I got a $138 ticket for rolling through a stop sign WHILE looking straight at the cops parked on the corner. Apparently, I was too "high" on my 250mg of acetaminophen to react to the situation appropriately (#painmedsLightweight). Getting caught violating the traffic rules, is usually something that makes me angry. I know, it makes no sense, since it's my own fault, but sometimes we just don't make sense.
As the officers were writing me my fine, I sat waiting and listening to NPR and then simply became too sad to continue to be upset about this ticket. The story on the radio featured a refugee woman who watched the love of her life and a hundred other people drown after their boat was forcibly capsized. She also was given a toddler to join her on the flimsy little swim ring she was clinging on to and then had to watch as the child's mother drowned in front of her.
This just really put things into perspective and made it impossible for me to be aggravated by this traffic fine. In fact, it made me feel guilty to even have entertained the thought of feeding into my mundane aggravation. I had to hold back my tears about the story so the officers wouldn't think I'm crying about this stupid ticket, and I'm sad to admit, there have been days I have cried over something as ridiculous as a traffic fine.
Every day, I am grateful that we don't live in a war zone and don't have to know the unimaginable suffering so many people in this world today have to know. Every day, when I speak this gratitude I also ask and wish that the people in these terrible situations are given moments of strength, light, and hope.
As the officers were writing me my fine, I sat waiting and listening to NPR and then simply became too sad to continue to be upset about this ticket. The story on the radio featured a refugee woman who watched the love of her life and a hundred other people drown after their boat was forcibly capsized. She also was given a toddler to join her on the flimsy little swim ring she was clinging on to and then had to watch as the child's mother drowned in front of her.
This just really put things into perspective and made it impossible for me to be aggravated by this traffic fine. In fact, it made me feel guilty to even have entertained the thought of feeding into my mundane aggravation. I had to hold back my tears about the story so the officers wouldn't think I'm crying about this stupid ticket, and I'm sad to admit, there have been days I have cried over something as ridiculous as a traffic fine.
Every day, I am grateful that we don't live in a war zone and don't have to know the unimaginable suffering so many people in this world today have to know. Every day, when I speak this gratitude I also ask and wish that the people in these terrible situations are given moments of strength, light, and hope.
Tuesday, April 05, 2016
a true revelation
I have been struggling with a certain inability to get over someone I should not even be having to "get over." It is a guy who is 10 years younger than I, a total playboy (or f***boy as they call them nowadays), someone who drinks and smokes too much, someone I would have never thought I could fall for. And, I probably didn't, ..... but it feels like it.
And here is what I mean by that.
Let's call this (29-yr-old) boy Tiburon. The Spanish word for shark, which is what they call him out there, as he is known for his womanizing ways. I chose to hang out with T deliberately for these reasons. I didn't want a relationship or anything serious. In the beginning of last year I had attempted to have one of those and failed miserably, for I was simply still grieving over J, who I lost in 2013.
T was perfect. He was honest, funny, and charming. And he danced with a special kick in his step.
In the summer, I took a break from him, because I noticed that I began to get emotionally involved despite the fact that we were in a completely open arrangement. I'm one of those people who runs away when they feel vulnerable (i.e. develop feelings for someone).
T stayed away but kept reaching out for months asking to get together. I finally gave in on my birthday. I was alone and thought, foolishly, that I could keep it at coffee and would be able to resist him otherwise. From that day on (back in October), he came over almost every single day. It was beautiful. We never fought - because we weren't in a relationship and made no claims over one another. It was nothing but positivity and carefree evenings together, followed by nights in each other's embrace.
There were a few strange elements - for example, Mr. Player who used to come over for nothing but sex in the beginning suddenly didn't want to have any at all for long stretches of time. He also used to kiss much more than he then did when we saw each other daily. But, somehow, our intimacy still grew stronger despite this lack of physical action.
By the end of the year - around Christmas - he had an emotional breakdown. And, I don't mean that in the traditional sense of the word. I mean, this boy, who never let me in emotionally (i.e. we never talked about us ... and especially not about what he was feeling), suddenly opened up to me big time. It could all have been the liquor talking. Or the smoke or whatever. But, what he said, he told me while holding both my hands with tears streaming down his face. He said that I was perfect, that he didn't deserve me, that he can't give me what I want (he may have come to the conclusion that I want a baby - my fault), but that he can't even go with other girls anymore because he feels guilty. Now, if that isn't honesty then I don't understand this world. But, the things he did say to me were later identified as three red flags in identifying a man who is about to run. (I have learned this because I spent weeks watching dating advice videos after we split - trying to [a] understand what just happened and [b] get the F over this pain I felt over the loss of a relationship that wasn't even officially a relationship!
Anyway, so - naturally, the baring of his innermost thoughts suddenly created feelings on my end. Or, should we say, revealed them, for I was not aware that I felt this way, at all. Two days later, my jealousy had become so intense that I told him this isn't working and cut myself out of the equation. Because, here I was, falling for a total player. Danger! Danger! So, I ran because I was afraid of getting hurt down the road. What I did instead, of course, was hurt myself (and maybe him?) prematurely and I totally didn't anticipate how badly it would affect me. How could I be this emotionally touched by someone who barely wanted to sleep with me?
T obeyed my wishes without a fight. A fight, I wish maybe he would have taken up. But, I guess, the lack thereof should be a testament on its own about the true depth of his feelings for me. Maybe he was just not that into me and whatever he said, he said because he wasn't sober.
But - whatever it may be - the separation was an agonizing struggle for me. To make matters worse, he had another chick in like a minute, something he didn't feel the need to be discreet about as he posted picture after picture of her on his social media feeds, which brings me to the conclusion that this may be more than just one of his many alternatingly used girls. I still see them together. Looks like he may actually like this one more than anyone else. Or, maybe he saw what a nice relationship could be when we were together and finally opened himself up to the real thing again. That thought feels better on the ego, so I'll go with that. Alas, it doesn't make the sadness any less intense.
What did take away some of my melancholy and obsession about this (or maybe not, since I am now writing about it) was a nearly spiritual experience I had last Friday. And this is why I am actually here. To document this strange revelation.
So ... this whole past week had been a struggle. More so than usual did I obsess about T, and then, simultaneously, spent time upset with myself that I was still m-f-in' thinking about him. It made NO sense! Why? He clearly had moved on. He clearly was never into me. We clearly had no future (for I have no interest in being with a self-involved player and yet another man who doesn't know he has a substance abuse problem.)
By Friday, after working until 1 a.m., until I literally couldn't look at the computer anymore, I stood there in my office room frustrated that I went right back from work focus to being sad about T. I ordered myself to stop thinking and decided to just relax, listen to music, and smoke (by myself, which is something I never really do but I didn't want to talk any of my friends' ear off about T for yet another evening). As I sat there, the music's beat synchronizing to my heart, looking out the window, I noticed from the corner of my eye that a picture of my kids had fallen over on the shelf over my desk. I decided to get up and fix it and when I did, I noticed, that it had revealed my copy of the Qu'ran standing on the shelf. It was a copy that my ex-husband had brought into the house more than a decade ago and I had never actually opened it. I was raised Muslim, but I'm just not a religious person anymore. I believe in God (in an abstract way) and even in guardian angels (and that is a whole other story), but I don't really want to have anything to do with organized religion anymore. I believe it has its benefits but, I feel, mostly, it divides people when it should bring everyone together. ... Anyway ... this experience, even though it was religious .. ironically .. did bring all my friends of different beliefs together.. but let me not jump ahead of myself.
So - there it was ... this old, heavy translation of the Qu'ran. "This seems like a message", I thought to myself as I looked at all the other propped pictures on the shelf standing right were they were before. I dismissed it and returned to my futon to sit down. "Yea, but I don't want to read any heavy religious texts right now. ... I don't want to run into anything sexist that's gonna upset me .. I just don't want to ruin my high here." ... S! You listen when you're being spoken to. ... "Yea, but, I have my period anyway, and I'm not supposed to touch the Qu'ran on my period." (Something that I had learned when I was a kid and that kind of stuck. Like the not eating pork thing. Not religious anymore, just ingrained behavior.) ... -- Lame excuse. .. But, anyway, ... in case you haven't noticed ... you may be on your period - BUT - you have not bled ONE drop today all day. ... so, what is your excuse now?
I decided to end my inner soliloquy, for I began to feel guilty, and got back up to retrieve the book from the shelf. I sat down and opened it to a random page, starting to read in the middle of the page, and - I kid you not - this is what it said:
A direct response to my agony over how this didn't make sense but then again, maybe I had really fallen for him?! I was about to completely lose my way when this kinda set me straight.
T is not real love. It is all about self-indulgence. It is all about me, not him.
T managed to bring light into my life and make me forget, for just a moment, that there is a giant void left by J's death. T brought light-heartedness and hope back to me. He wasn't meant to stay and me now finding myself convinced that I must love him because I can't get over him, is a false conclusion.
I shared this passage with a few girlfriends and each one of them was able to relate to it in a different way as it applied to their situation, which made me think about how beautiful (but also dangerous then) it is what one can do with religious texts. Beautiful because it can be so versatile in its interpretation as to fit many different situations in life; dangerous because we all know what people throughout history have done with religious texts (interpreting them to their advantage). Let me not get started on this, because just the thought of this makes me upset. Extremist groups in the Middle East being some of the worst examples for this abuse of a guidance book that is meant to help people live better lives. And all in order to serve their own selfish desires. Ok, must stop now before I start an unrelated rant.
And here is what I mean by that.
Let's call this (29-yr-old) boy Tiburon. The Spanish word for shark, which is what they call him out there, as he is known for his womanizing ways. I chose to hang out with T deliberately for these reasons. I didn't want a relationship or anything serious. In the beginning of last year I had attempted to have one of those and failed miserably, for I was simply still grieving over J, who I lost in 2013.
T was perfect. He was honest, funny, and charming. And he danced with a special kick in his step.
In the summer, I took a break from him, because I noticed that I began to get emotionally involved despite the fact that we were in a completely open arrangement. I'm one of those people who runs away when they feel vulnerable (i.e. develop feelings for someone).
T stayed away but kept reaching out for months asking to get together. I finally gave in on my birthday. I was alone and thought, foolishly, that I could keep it at coffee and would be able to resist him otherwise. From that day on (back in October), he came over almost every single day. It was beautiful. We never fought - because we weren't in a relationship and made no claims over one another. It was nothing but positivity and carefree evenings together, followed by nights in each other's embrace.
There were a few strange elements - for example, Mr. Player who used to come over for nothing but sex in the beginning suddenly didn't want to have any at all for long stretches of time. He also used to kiss much more than he then did when we saw each other daily. But, somehow, our intimacy still grew stronger despite this lack of physical action.
By the end of the year - around Christmas - he had an emotional breakdown. And, I don't mean that in the traditional sense of the word. I mean, this boy, who never let me in emotionally (i.e. we never talked about us ... and especially not about what he was feeling), suddenly opened up to me big time. It could all have been the liquor talking. Or the smoke or whatever. But, what he said, he told me while holding both my hands with tears streaming down his face. He said that I was perfect, that he didn't deserve me, that he can't give me what I want (he may have come to the conclusion that I want a baby - my fault), but that he can't even go with other girls anymore because he feels guilty. Now, if that isn't honesty then I don't understand this world. But, the things he did say to me were later identified as three red flags in identifying a man who is about to run. (I have learned this because I spent weeks watching dating advice videos after we split - trying to [a] understand what just happened and [b] get the F over this pain I felt over the loss of a relationship that wasn't even officially a relationship!
Anyway, so - naturally, the baring of his innermost thoughts suddenly created feelings on my end. Or, should we say, revealed them, for I was not aware that I felt this way, at all. Two days later, my jealousy had become so intense that I told him this isn't working and cut myself out of the equation. Because, here I was, falling for a total player. Danger! Danger! So, I ran because I was afraid of getting hurt down the road. What I did instead, of course, was hurt myself (and maybe him?) prematurely and I totally didn't anticipate how badly it would affect me. How could I be this emotionally touched by someone who barely wanted to sleep with me?
T obeyed my wishes without a fight. A fight, I wish maybe he would have taken up. But, I guess, the lack thereof should be a testament on its own about the true depth of his feelings for me. Maybe he was just not that into me and whatever he said, he said because he wasn't sober.
But - whatever it may be - the separation was an agonizing struggle for me. To make matters worse, he had another chick in like a minute, something he didn't feel the need to be discreet about as he posted picture after picture of her on his social media feeds, which brings me to the conclusion that this may be more than just one of his many alternatingly used girls. I still see them together. Looks like he may actually like this one more than anyone else. Or, maybe he saw what a nice relationship could be when we were together and finally opened himself up to the real thing again. That thought feels better on the ego, so I'll go with that. Alas, it doesn't make the sadness any less intense.
What did take away some of my melancholy and obsession about this (or maybe not, since I am now writing about it) was a nearly spiritual experience I had last Friday. And this is why I am actually here. To document this strange revelation.
So ... this whole past week had been a struggle. More so than usual did I obsess about T, and then, simultaneously, spent time upset with myself that I was still m-f-in' thinking about him. It made NO sense! Why? He clearly had moved on. He clearly was never into me. We clearly had no future (for I have no interest in being with a self-involved player and yet another man who doesn't know he has a substance abuse problem.)
By Friday, after working until 1 a.m., until I literally couldn't look at the computer anymore, I stood there in my office room frustrated that I went right back from work focus to being sad about T. I ordered myself to stop thinking and decided to just relax, listen to music, and smoke (by myself, which is something I never really do but I didn't want to talk any of my friends' ear off about T for yet another evening). As I sat there, the music's beat synchronizing to my heart, looking out the window, I noticed from the corner of my eye that a picture of my kids had fallen over on the shelf over my desk. I decided to get up and fix it and when I did, I noticed, that it had revealed my copy of the Qu'ran standing on the shelf. It was a copy that my ex-husband had brought into the house more than a decade ago and I had never actually opened it. I was raised Muslim, but I'm just not a religious person anymore. I believe in God (in an abstract way) and even in guardian angels (and that is a whole other story), but I don't really want to have anything to do with organized religion anymore. I believe it has its benefits but, I feel, mostly, it divides people when it should bring everyone together. ... Anyway ... this experience, even though it was religious .. ironically .. did bring all my friends of different beliefs together.. but let me not jump ahead of myself.
So - there it was ... this old, heavy translation of the Qu'ran. "This seems like a message", I thought to myself as I looked at all the other propped pictures on the shelf standing right were they were before. I dismissed it and returned to my futon to sit down. "Yea, but I don't want to read any heavy religious texts right now. ... I don't want to run into anything sexist that's gonna upset me .. I just don't want to ruin my high here." ... S! You listen when you're being spoken to. ... "Yea, but, I have my period anyway, and I'm not supposed to touch the Qu'ran on my period." (Something that I had learned when I was a kid and that kind of stuck. Like the not eating pork thing. Not religious anymore, just ingrained behavior.) ... -- Lame excuse. .. But, anyway, ... in case you haven't noticed ... you may be on your period - BUT - you have not bled ONE drop today all day. ... so, what is your excuse now?
I decided to end my inner soliloquy, for I began to feel guilty, and got back up to retrieve the book from the shelf. I sat down and opened it to a random page, starting to read in the middle of the page, and - I kid you not - this is what it said:
A direct response to my agony over how this didn't make sense but then again, maybe I had really fallen for him?! I was about to completely lose my way when this kinda set me straight.
T is not real love. It is all about self-indulgence. It is all about me, not him.
T managed to bring light into my life and make me forget, for just a moment, that there is a giant void left by J's death. T brought light-heartedness and hope back to me. He wasn't meant to stay and me now finding myself convinced that I must love him because I can't get over him, is a false conclusion.
I shared this passage with a few girlfriends and each one of them was able to relate to it in a different way as it applied to their situation, which made me think about how beautiful (but also dangerous then) it is what one can do with religious texts. Beautiful because it can be so versatile in its interpretation as to fit many different situations in life; dangerous because we all know what people throughout history have done with religious texts (interpreting them to their advantage). Let me not get started on this, because just the thought of this makes me upset. Extremist groups in the Middle East being some of the worst examples for this abuse of a guidance book that is meant to help people live better lives. And all in order to serve their own selfish desires. Ok, must stop now before I start an unrelated rant.
Monday, May 21, 2007
happiness is subjective...
what is wrong with me? i should be happy. my kids are healthy. my family is healthy. I am (relatively) healthy. D can be annoying but really he isn't that bad as a husband. his weaknesses are bearable, so to say, even though I seem to not be able to bear them anymore.
there are people out there that have no homes, have to watch their kids die, their parents,.... there are people out there with problems, which make my complaints sound silly, stupid, ridiculous..but most of all, selfish.
this realization brings me to tears sometimes. almost every day, actually...when I see misery, injustice, or someone suffering I cry (silently) and curse at myself for being such a self-involved, spoiled little bitch. how dare I complain about my life?
then I wonder, ...am I also crying because I am overly sensitive thanks to an all underlying repressed depression?
ah, crap....I said I wasn't gonna go there...I wanted to return to light-hearted, mundane BS-kinda blogging.
well, ..just for the record (to acknowledge that this isn't an all depressive entry)...I also find pleasure in all the sadness I experience. I thank God for letting me experience or witness so much compassion and for letting me recognize so many ambivalent, rich, sad, deep and thought-provoking moments.
i wish I could express myself better (in English, anyway).
ok. I'll try to be less depressing with my next entry.
there are people out there that have no homes, have to watch their kids die, their parents,.... there are people out there with problems, which make my complaints sound silly, stupid, ridiculous..but most of all, selfish.
this realization brings me to tears sometimes. almost every day, actually...when I see misery, injustice, or someone suffering I cry (silently) and curse at myself for being such a self-involved, spoiled little bitch. how dare I complain about my life?
then I wonder, ...am I also crying because I am overly sensitive thanks to an all underlying repressed depression?
ah, crap....I said I wasn't gonna go there...I wanted to return to light-hearted, mundane BS-kinda blogging.
well, ..just for the record (to acknowledge that this isn't an all depressive entry)...I also find pleasure in all the sadness I experience. I thank God for letting me experience or witness so much compassion and for letting me recognize so many ambivalent, rich, sad, deep and thought-provoking moments.
i wish I could express myself better (in English, anyway).
ok. I'll try to be less depressing with my next entry.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
disturbing self-realizations and promising resolutions
It is slightly disturbing how much I enjoy my time off at the moment (last week before I, too, return to NYC. Almost all chores of closing up shop in Austria I finished on Sunday. Now I am in Vienna for the last few days before my flight back. It´s inspiring - and a little depressing, I admit - to see all my artsy friends ...all of whom are either doing music, theater or film.)
I mean, I miss my kids (and even D) but I am really o.k. with this unexpected time for myself. Complete serenity. No three constantly talking mouths. If it isn’t one of the kids it is D and I am taking way too little time for myself to be able to handle this kind of bombardment very well. I love them all very much and I would love to hold them and touch them and be near them but I need to find a way to create balance for myself.
Since divorce really isn’t the best option, although having such set rules and fixed times off sounds like an excellent structure to guarantee this much-needed time to myself (- he takes kids one week, I take them the next).
But yeah, yeah…I realize this isn’t a great way to go and I am not sure how the girls would like this scenario. On the other hand, ..I think, they would have two much happier parents….although, can’t be sure about that either. I would probably miss D to death.
Tina says that Eva says to just deal with it. Men are just like that, they are like that and it isn’t going to change. So just deal with it and focus on the good…and try to find a way to make it work. Tina says she will try to cut back on her career (not work f/t) and thus be able to take care of all the household stuff she has to take care of regardless if she is working f/t or not. By only having a p/t job, however, she thinks there will be less stress and less resentment towards Zotto, who just isn’t able to keep up with her (in terms of household and kids).
I love my girls and I want to try to make this marriage work. I will give my best. And because I love D, we have a chance. Hope he still loves me, too.
Anyway, here are my resolutions. Call them New Year’s resolutions if you will. I shall call them “make marriage work with sisi’s happiness/balance project”…which messes with my plural used in the beginning of the sentence.
1.) start working out
2.) leave for a walk around the block if overwhelmed and cabin-feverish
3.) go out on trips (park, whatever) with just one kid at a time (if D refuses to come)
4.) go rollerblading in the city once or twice a month (maybe join that group – see Time Out NY)
5.) start acting again (at any College will do just fine) …if accepted to Photo program for the fall then not doing the acting thing is o.k.
6.) Realize your creative visions (or at least write them down, dammit!!)
I would like to write down a bunch of other things on that list right now but then I might overwhelm myself. Well, let me write them down as an alternate list of points to pick from (for balance creating purposes).
- Start horse-back riding again
- Take a yoga-class
- Take a vacation by yourself once a year (something with horse-back riding or snorkeling). Maybe join those ya-yah sisterhood ladies that go to the beach with horses once a year…”something something sisters”…what are they called?
- Exhibit your photographs or joint venture projects. Doesn’t matter where or how u do it ….just do it. Just do something! (again, write down these ideas of yours!)
- Go out with D once a month (at least) – do something different together (bicycling, concert, guided tour, exhibit, soup kitchen, etc.)
- Take family (day) trips outside the city (get book)
- Go to a LIVE concert or a play once a month!
- Girls night out – once a month! (combine maybe with above point)
- Apply for photo jobs (freelance …for NYT, etc.?!)
To be continued
…there are an awful lot of things I am planning to do once a month…somebody do the math for my reality check. ;)
I mean, I miss my kids (and even D) but I am really o.k. with this unexpected time for myself. Complete serenity. No three constantly talking mouths. If it isn’t one of the kids it is D and I am taking way too little time for myself to be able to handle this kind of bombardment very well. I love them all very much and I would love to hold them and touch them and be near them but I need to find a way to create balance for myself.
Since divorce really isn’t the best option, although having such set rules and fixed times off sounds like an excellent structure to guarantee this much-needed time to myself (- he takes kids one week, I take them the next).
But yeah, yeah…I realize this isn’t a great way to go and I am not sure how the girls would like this scenario. On the other hand, ..I think, they would have two much happier parents….although, can’t be sure about that either. I would probably miss D to death.
Tina says that Eva says to just deal with it. Men are just like that, they are like that and it isn’t going to change. So just deal with it and focus on the good…and try to find a way to make it work. Tina says she will try to cut back on her career (not work f/t) and thus be able to take care of all the household stuff she has to take care of regardless if she is working f/t or not. By only having a p/t job, however, she thinks there will be less stress and less resentment towards Zotto, who just isn’t able to keep up with her (in terms of household and kids).
I love my girls and I want to try to make this marriage work. I will give my best. And because I love D, we have a chance. Hope he still loves me, too.
Anyway, here are my resolutions. Call them New Year’s resolutions if you will. I shall call them “make marriage work with sisi’s happiness/balance project”…which messes with my plural used in the beginning of the sentence.
1.) start working out
2.) leave for a walk around the block if overwhelmed and cabin-feverish
3.) go out on trips (park, whatever) with just one kid at a time (if D refuses to come)
4.) go rollerblading in the city once or twice a month (maybe join that group – see Time Out NY)
5.) start acting again (at any College will do just fine) …if accepted to Photo program for the fall then not doing the acting thing is o.k.
6.) Realize your creative visions (or at least write them down, dammit!!)
I would like to write down a bunch of other things on that list right now but then I might overwhelm myself. Well, let me write them down as an alternate list of points to pick from (for balance creating purposes).
- Start horse-back riding again
- Take a yoga-class
- Take a vacation by yourself once a year (something with horse-back riding or snorkeling). Maybe join those ya-yah sisterhood ladies that go to the beach with horses once a year…”something something sisters”…what are they called?
- Exhibit your photographs or joint venture projects. Doesn’t matter where or how u do it ….just do it. Just do something! (again, write down these ideas of yours!)
- Go out with D once a month (at least) – do something different together (bicycling, concert, guided tour, exhibit, soup kitchen, etc.)
- Take family (day) trips outside the city (get book)
- Go to a LIVE concert or a play once a month!
- Girls night out – once a month! (combine maybe with above point)
- Apply for photo jobs (freelance …for NYT, etc.?!)
To be continued
…there are an awful lot of things I am planning to do once a month…somebody do the math for my reality check. ;)
Sunday, January 07, 2007
relationship going downhill
a few months ago, Dario and I were having such a long-lasting good phase that I wondered, whether it could ever go bad again. From experience, I knew that it was bound to happen but I just couldn't imagine how it could go so far down from so far up.
I don't know when exactly we went over the peak but I get the feeling that Dario still has no idea that we are near the bottom now. At least, I am.
And this time it is really bad. For me, that is. He seems to think, like always, all is jolly and dandy. Men...
It is really bad because I have actually become friends with a term called divorce. A term, which has scared me for most of my life. In fact, one of the many reasons I never wanted to get married was because I didn't want to get divorced, which I thought was an inevitable fact of life (with a few exceptions).
I am just soo tired.
I am so tired of his bad habits and the predictability thereof. I hate the fact that I can predict every unreliabilty or inconsiderate action of his, with almost no error of assumption.
Of course, he is still affectionate and tries to do nice things when he thinks about it...but these nice things are not balancing out the bad stuff anymore.
I am tired of being ignored (everything I say just goes in one ear and out the other. He simply does not care anymore, about what is important to me.)
I am tired of having to carry all responsibilty.
I am tired of having to make all the decisions by myself.
I am tired of living with a husband that acts like a 3rd child (or the first, if you wish).
I am tired of being the one, who has to take charge in trying to fix or improve our relationship.
I am tired of being disappointed.
I am tired of understanding.
The biggest problem I see for a salvation of this, is that I have just given up hope.
I want to stop turning into someone I don't like, and that's what I see happening here.
Also, soon enough he is going to be the one who will look at me and realize that he's had enough of my bitching and my sadness (if he will realize that he is the main source of this, is another question).
My mother (the family-therapist) says a temporary break (which I am yearning for) is definitely not the way to fix a relationship (but do I even want to be in this relationship anymore? If I would want to fix it it's because of the kids, I think.)
She suggests to take more space from each other, to designate own rooms in the house, for example...and to then "visit" each other (but return to one's room again). This should bring back some spark, should take out the rut and the taking each other for granted (but that will mean he'll still be messing up the rest of the house, play videogames to no end, and let me organize our life.)
The other thing she pointed out as important is to take time for oneself and to go on dates together (at least once a week)...to get back couple's time....where we are not mom and dad. - Sadly, I am so fed up, I don't even want to spend time with D alone anymore.
This is what worries me the most.
I am burnt out, I think.
To break up would probably be very very difficult. Not only because I am used to being with D. 11 years isn't nothing. Most problematic would probably be the fact that he won't leave. Knowing him I would have to get down-right nasty to get him to leave and I don't think I have the energy for that.
Only way for me to reconsider this: if he organizes therapy for us and gets me to go there (instead of me trying to get him to go ....but unlike him I would be willing to cooperate and find a way if I see he is trying.)
:/
life is kinda at a sucky point at the moment.
oh, and did I mention Maia is in the hospital with pneumonia?
yup. going back there now to spend another night there with her. poor little thing was crying so badly, when the doctor ordered another IV and told her she had to stay yet another night.
I'll post more on that later (already wrote it but no internet in the hospital, so will post later.)
I don't know when exactly we went over the peak but I get the feeling that Dario still has no idea that we are near the bottom now. At least, I am.
And this time it is really bad. For me, that is. He seems to think, like always, all is jolly and dandy. Men...
It is really bad because I have actually become friends with a term called divorce. A term, which has scared me for most of my life. In fact, one of the many reasons I never wanted to get married was because I didn't want to get divorced, which I thought was an inevitable fact of life (with a few exceptions).
I am just soo tired.
I am so tired of his bad habits and the predictability thereof. I hate the fact that I can predict every unreliabilty or inconsiderate action of his, with almost no error of assumption.
Of course, he is still affectionate and tries to do nice things when he thinks about it...but these nice things are not balancing out the bad stuff anymore.
I am tired of being ignored (everything I say just goes in one ear and out the other. He simply does not care anymore, about what is important to me.)
I am tired of having to carry all responsibilty.
I am tired of having to make all the decisions by myself.
I am tired of living with a husband that acts like a 3rd child (or the first, if you wish).
I am tired of being the one, who has to take charge in trying to fix or improve our relationship.
I am tired of being disappointed.
I am tired of understanding.
The biggest problem I see for a salvation of this, is that I have just given up hope.
I want to stop turning into someone I don't like, and that's what I see happening here.
Also, soon enough he is going to be the one who will look at me and realize that he's had enough of my bitching and my sadness (if he will realize that he is the main source of this, is another question).
My mother (the family-therapist) says a temporary break (which I am yearning for) is definitely not the way to fix a relationship (but do I even want to be in this relationship anymore? If I would want to fix it it's because of the kids, I think.)
She suggests to take more space from each other, to designate own rooms in the house, for example...and to then "visit" each other (but return to one's room again). This should bring back some spark, should take out the rut and the taking each other for granted (but that will mean he'll still be messing up the rest of the house, play videogames to no end, and let me organize our life.)
The other thing she pointed out as important is to take time for oneself and to go on dates together (at least once a week)...to get back couple's time....where we are not mom and dad. - Sadly, I am so fed up, I don't even want to spend time with D alone anymore.
This is what worries me the most.
I am burnt out, I think.
To break up would probably be very very difficult. Not only because I am used to being with D. 11 years isn't nothing. Most problematic would probably be the fact that he won't leave. Knowing him I would have to get down-right nasty to get him to leave and I don't think I have the energy for that.
Only way for me to reconsider this: if he organizes therapy for us and gets me to go there (instead of me trying to get him to go ....but unlike him I would be willing to cooperate and find a way if I see he is trying.)
:/
life is kinda at a sucky point at the moment.
oh, and did I mention Maia is in the hospital with pneumonia?
yup. going back there now to spend another night there with her. poor little thing was crying so badly, when the doctor ordered another IV and told her she had to stay yet another night.
I'll post more on that later (already wrote it but no internet in the hospital, so will post later.)
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
brainstorming (ny or austria)
still trying to find the right decision. so today I am trying it with this method. not sure if that actually is a method that makes sense but I am out of ideas...so here it goes.
what I am going to do is, that I will just brainstorm to my life in new york city and then to my life here in vorarlberg and see what I get.
new york city
police
shock
drama
love
city
life
excellence
creativity
home
father
intuition
spirit
friends
attraction
life (again)
influence
temptation
aggression
people meddling
opinionated
Barnes&Noble
rainy days (still good)
school zoning (fear)
latino flavor (+)
freedom
choice
network
financial stability
wealth
luxury
network
wave hill
central park
upper westside
coffee shops
the village
hastings on the hudson
bad air
good weather
sun
t-r-a-f-f-i-c
administrative barriers
too many stupid rules
ridiculous fines
so far away
fear (terror)
Dominican Rep. closer
family (D's)
heat
advancement (word?)
familiarity
rut
subway (- but sometimes +)
food
emotion
baggage
freedom
sister
feeling in the gut
kids overstructured
people obsess
vorarlberg (austria)
freedom for kids
NY (not sure why that came to mind)
rationality
normal
nature
fresh
new
old
history
possibility
sensitivity
craving
folk
narrow-mindedness
prejudice
civilized
care
community
system (+)
activities
life more essential
people care
watch (be watched in every move) -
reputation
pressure
beauty
weight
internet (expensive, complicated)
stiff
rent
apartment
cold
squeeze (huh?)
fuck (i felt like cursing here,..so I don't mean the act of f.)
relationship (+)
stability
responsibility (D has got some)
not all rosy (-)
taboos (+ and - )
sacrifice
proper
standards
expectations
realistic
earnest
distant
family
reunion
kids
innocence
santa comes to your house (small town. possible)
arts & crafts for kids everywhere (markets, events, etc.)
very family friendly
maia understimulated
variety (of activities)
Europe
travel
special
unique
history
pressure
insecurity
job (not sure)
feeling
right path?
God
self-doubt
self-image
small
return to who I am (was)
what I am going to do is, that I will just brainstorm to my life in new york city and then to my life here in vorarlberg and see what I get.
new york city
police
shock
drama
love
city
life
excellence
creativity
home
father
intuition
spirit
friends
attraction
life (again)
influence
temptation
aggression
people meddling
opinionated
Barnes&Noble
rainy days (still good)
school zoning (fear)
latino flavor (+)
freedom
choice
network
financial stability
wealth
luxury
network
wave hill
central park
upper westside
coffee shops
the village
hastings on the hudson
bad air
good weather
sun
t-r-a-f-f-i-c
administrative barriers
too many stupid rules
ridiculous fines
so far away
fear (terror)
Dominican Rep. closer
family (D's)
heat
advancement (word?)
familiarity
rut
subway (- but sometimes +)
food
emotion
baggage
freedom
sister
feeling in the gut
kids overstructured
people obsess
vorarlberg (austria)
freedom for kids
NY (not sure why that came to mind)
rationality
normal
nature
fresh
new
old
history
possibility
sensitivity
craving
folk
narrow-mindedness
prejudice
civilized
care
community
system (+)
activities
life more essential
people care
watch (be watched in every move) -
reputation
pressure
beauty
weight
internet (expensive, complicated)
stiff
rent
apartment
cold
squeeze (huh?)
fuck (i felt like cursing here,..so I don't mean the act of f.)
relationship (+)
stability
responsibility (D has got some)
not all rosy (-)
taboos (+ and - )
sacrifice
proper
standards
expectations
realistic
earnest
distant
family
reunion
kids
innocence
santa comes to your house (small town. possible)
arts & crafts for kids everywhere (markets, events, etc.)
very family friendly
maia understimulated
variety (of activities)
Europe
travel
special
unique
history
pressure
insecurity
job (not sure)
feeling
right path?
God
self-doubt
self-image
small
return to who I am (was)
Friday, December 01, 2006
to be European or American...that is the question
today is a difficult day. I'm getting tired of having to make life-changing decisions.
the perfect apartment (small house w/ garden, actually) we have found has another interested party. this means I have to either confirm the lease or let it go TODAY.
my job will officially end on the 15th of december, which means I will be getting only half my paycheck this month. this comes in addition to having been broke since the middle of last month (and going into the negative numbers).
I can't tell you how much I despise these deadbeat tenants of mine (in our NY apt.) right now. They probably think they got off great. Lived for free for 6 months and more. And who says they have to give a shit about the person who has to bathe out their irresponsibilty. They have cost me all my savings and made my financial life here miserable. I am going to have to borrow money, and I cannot tell you how much I hate to do that.
Friends and family in NYC tell me of job-opportunities for me and although these jobs sound great, the price I would pay for this (selfish) fulfillment has become too high.
I really have come to the point where I am convinced this (Vorarlberg, Austria) is the better place to raise your kids. Not a difficult equation, I admit. 8 Mio.city vs. the 350.000 head-count of Vorarlberg.
My friend Beth told me that they did a study (or survey?) on where the happiest people live. Austria came in 3rd and they say it is because of the good/free healthcare and tight social net. A social net I cannot rely on, yet, for I haven't been here (working) for more than a year. I don't even get unemployment money. (uuuhh...silent panic is rising up my throat).
And you know the "funniest" part? Apparently I will lose my permanent resident status in the U.S. soon....if I haven't lost it already. Then I will REALLY be screwed, for then I won't even be able to come back and work.
It's ironic to realize how much of a priviledge it actually is to live in the United States. I remember, how happy I was when I finally got the status to be a permanent resident and get a real job. Thousands of people every day would give their right hand to be able to become U.S. residents. And at the same time the system sucks, the crime is high, and let's face it ... morality and honor is going down hill. Everywhere you look it seems to become acceptable to cheat, lie and betray. At the same time people get thrown into jail for nothing.
Everything you say in the U.S. you have to say carefully. Talk about freedom of speech. Any criticism of the system or the conditions is immediately taken personally, and I assume it is because of the deeply patriotic sentiment of Americans. But patriotism shouldn't serve as blinders for the faults and problems of one's system or government. After all, what kind of democracy is that? The media in the U.S. is extremely censored and people have to search to get ALL the information (i.e. objectivity).
The media here isn't all that great either but the view on the world is much more objective. This is easier, for we are - most of the times - not involved. The U.S. is involved almost everywhere, and you know it is difficult to step away and see the whole picture (both sides) when you are in the middle of a fight with someone.
Anyway, that Austrians are supposedly the 3rd happiest people in the world I really doubt. Apparently we also have the highest suicide rates worldwide. Or is it Europe-wide? I think that's because we take everything too damn seriously.
Well, at least we don't kill each other. ;)
No, but seriously,...apparently most of the suicides are commited by middle-aged single, divorced, or recently separated men (often in financial debt).
In the States that same guy would probably shoot the ex-girlfriend who left him, change his social security number, and move the f* on. ...unless, of course, they catch him and give him the death-penalty. Here, ...he'd probably get 2-5 years. ...I mean, really, ...the punishment people get for criminal activity here is beyond any understanding of mine. ....maybe I've just lived in the U.S. too long....and I am used to witnessing harsh punishments for just about anything.
so,...today I have to decide...are my girls going to be European or Americans. that is a tough call...for I have also gotten so much positive from living the American way of life. Best would probably be a combination. ...Well, they have dual-citizenship...so they'll probably move back to New York City the moment I say "Happy 18th birthday, honey." ;)
the perfect apartment (small house w/ garden, actually) we have found has another interested party. this means I have to either confirm the lease or let it go TODAY.
my job will officially end on the 15th of december, which means I will be getting only half my paycheck this month. this comes in addition to having been broke since the middle of last month (and going into the negative numbers).
I can't tell you how much I despise these deadbeat tenants of mine (in our NY apt.) right now. They probably think they got off great. Lived for free for 6 months and more. And who says they have to give a shit about the person who has to bathe out their irresponsibilty. They have cost me all my savings and made my financial life here miserable. I am going to have to borrow money, and I cannot tell you how much I hate to do that.
Friends and family in NYC tell me of job-opportunities for me and although these jobs sound great, the price I would pay for this (selfish) fulfillment has become too high.
I really have come to the point where I am convinced this (Vorarlberg, Austria) is the better place to raise your kids. Not a difficult equation, I admit. 8 Mio.city vs. the 350.000 head-count of Vorarlberg.
My friend Beth told me that they did a study (or survey?) on where the happiest people live. Austria came in 3rd and they say it is because of the good/free healthcare and tight social net. A social net I cannot rely on, yet, for I haven't been here (working) for more than a year. I don't even get unemployment money. (uuuhh...silent panic is rising up my throat).
And you know the "funniest" part? Apparently I will lose my permanent resident status in the U.S. soon....if I haven't lost it already. Then I will REALLY be screwed, for then I won't even be able to come back and work.
It's ironic to realize how much of a priviledge it actually is to live in the United States. I remember, how happy I was when I finally got the status to be a permanent resident and get a real job. Thousands of people every day would give their right hand to be able to become U.S. residents. And at the same time the system sucks, the crime is high, and let's face it ... morality and honor is going down hill. Everywhere you look it seems to become acceptable to cheat, lie and betray. At the same time people get thrown into jail for nothing.
Everything you say in the U.S. you have to say carefully. Talk about freedom of speech. Any criticism of the system or the conditions is immediately taken personally, and I assume it is because of the deeply patriotic sentiment of Americans. But patriotism shouldn't serve as blinders for the faults and problems of one's system or government. After all, what kind of democracy is that? The media in the U.S. is extremely censored and people have to search to get ALL the information (i.e. objectivity).
The media here isn't all that great either but the view on the world is much more objective. This is easier, for we are - most of the times - not involved. The U.S. is involved almost everywhere, and you know it is difficult to step away and see the whole picture (both sides) when you are in the middle of a fight with someone.
Anyway, that Austrians are supposedly the 3rd happiest people in the world I really doubt. Apparently we also have the highest suicide rates worldwide. Or is it Europe-wide? I think that's because we take everything too damn seriously.
Well, at least we don't kill each other. ;)
No, but seriously,...apparently most of the suicides are commited by middle-aged single, divorced, or recently separated men (often in financial debt).
In the States that same guy would probably shoot the ex-girlfriend who left him, change his social security number, and move the f* on. ...unless, of course, they catch him and give him the death-penalty. Here, ...he'd probably get 2-5 years. ...I mean, really, ...the punishment people get for criminal activity here is beyond any understanding of mine. ....maybe I've just lived in the U.S. too long....and I am used to witnessing harsh punishments for just about anything.
so,...today I have to decide...are my girls going to be European or Americans. that is a tough call...for I have also gotten so much positive from living the American way of life. Best would probably be a combination. ...Well, they have dual-citizenship...so they'll probably move back to New York City the moment I say "Happy 18th birthday, honey." ;)
Friday, November 24, 2006
leaving new york is like breaking up....
The longer I am here in my new (and old) home...Vorarlberg, Austria...the less I can imagine a return to the city I love so much. New York is like a lover that is bad for me, like an addiction I am withdrawing from.... the more time passes the more I realize how blind my love was/is for this town.
I am getting closer to a perspective I despised until just very recently. It was the view of my adopted home-town by my visiting friends and family from Europe. I didn't see the dirty streets, I didn't feel unsafe, I didn't realize how much I liked to curse. To me, NYC was just perfect...not so much my life in it....but the city itself I loved ...and I still do....but I now am at a point where I am trying to figure out why that is.
What would probably make it more difficult than anything to go back is the knowledge that I would give away the chance to let my kids be kids. That innocence they can experience in this particular region of Austria (even today) is something I doubt I can preserve if I raise them in New York.
I don't know if I wrote this down already but my friend Marta just recently reminded me of how grown-up kids in the city can be. Every day, she says, she sits in the bus and listens to kids talk on their way home from school. Teens and Tweens. And, she says, you wouldn't believe what comes over their lips (suck my d*ck this, f*ck that sh*t, etc.) .... horrible. One time, she said, a woman actually tried to discipline a group of them on the bus....they cursed her out so badly she had to get off at the next stop.
This is an unthinkable situation here. People still discipline each others kids....or the youth of the community altogether. And kids respect the fact that an adult is showing them their boundaries.
I realize, that this is probably one of the few last places where these old-time costums still work. Not far from here (just over the border in Germany), things are falling apart, too. Just take the last school shooting just a few days ago. One kid ran amok and killed 13 students.
It takes a village to raise a child, is my opinion. ...And New York City is just too big of a village to be able to accomplish that.
I still miss my friends and I still do miss NY.
And that's where the analogy of the bad lover comes from. I shouldn't yearn for NY so badly and yet, I am.
I am getting closer to a perspective I despised until just very recently. It was the view of my adopted home-town by my visiting friends and family from Europe. I didn't see the dirty streets, I didn't feel unsafe, I didn't realize how much I liked to curse. To me, NYC was just perfect...not so much my life in it....but the city itself I loved ...and I still do....but I now am at a point where I am trying to figure out why that is.
What would probably make it more difficult than anything to go back is the knowledge that I would give away the chance to let my kids be kids. That innocence they can experience in this particular region of Austria (even today) is something I doubt I can preserve if I raise them in New York.
I don't know if I wrote this down already but my friend Marta just recently reminded me of how grown-up kids in the city can be. Every day, she says, she sits in the bus and listens to kids talk on their way home from school. Teens and Tweens. And, she says, you wouldn't believe what comes over their lips (suck my d*ck this, f*ck that sh*t, etc.) .... horrible. One time, she said, a woman actually tried to discipline a group of them on the bus....they cursed her out so badly she had to get off at the next stop.
This is an unthinkable situation here. People still discipline each others kids....or the youth of the community altogether. And kids respect the fact that an adult is showing them their boundaries.
I realize, that this is probably one of the few last places where these old-time costums still work. Not far from here (just over the border in Germany), things are falling apart, too. Just take the last school shooting just a few days ago. One kid ran amok and killed 13 students.
It takes a village to raise a child, is my opinion. ...And New York City is just too big of a village to be able to accomplish that.
I still miss my friends and I still do miss NY.
And that's where the analogy of the bad lover comes from. I shouldn't yearn for NY so badly and yet, I am.
Friday, November 17, 2006
life (..hey I had this title a few posts ago!)
i've been gone for a little while. busy. and then my dear girlfriends were visiting from NY. We went to Italy. I've got a lot to write. but now it is 2:35 in the morning, so I am just going to post this chat I had this evening with one of my best friends. Since it did take me away from blogging. ;)
----------
Vernon: sisi you there?
yay!!!
me: u always start talking and then that's it ur gone again is this a new game
Vernon: you gotta be quickgame? I wish
El presidente! remember.
plus, you know, work is crazy.
me: i know i've heard
Vernon: plus, you know, evi just finished her first trimester-- I'm sure you can relate.
how's your life? i don't see nearly enough photo updates!
me: busy like crazy
Vernon: i'm hoping that means you have a supremely happy family-life, so busy making fun that you have no time for pursuing... well, i guess that answers that.crazy busy with what?
me: work. managing household & kids stuff (lot of admin. crap, too), trying to find new place and mostly new job haven't watched tv in months...movies: very rarely
books sit untouched on my nighttable as I hit the pillow exhaustedly every night, the house still could need a woman's touch
or a very tidy man's
Vernon: what about work prospects?
sometimes I work 16-18 hour days and then watch a 2 hour movie to unwind especially when I'm insomniac
me: wow ...u really have gone workaholicrazy
Vernon: sometimes all this work keeps the brain churning and escaping into a movie is the best way to turn it off.
me: i am dying for some new moviematerial
Vernon: i saw veronica mars on DVD and thought of you --- Tower is going out of business at the end of the month and they have a hug sell going on now.
me: REALLY?VM?how come?I looove her
huge sale...like how mcuh?and for what?
Vernon: 20-40%, it gets cheaper every week because they have to be out by month's end.
Vernon: I'm taking German at downtown Tuesdays and Thursdays so I stop by on my way home after getting off the crosstown bus. EVERYTHING MUST GO!
me: wow.
Vernon: oh, I read a blog of someone else who loves veronica mars --- http://www.blogography.com/ he acts like a bit of a selfish ass, but he can be funny, plus he writes an entry every single day
me: how do u know i like VM btw?
Vernon: i feel the same way about VM as I did when I used to watch it with you..girlpower--- yuck
me: oh right --LOL
Vernon: when i see her i talk about more important stuff-- like office gossip.
me: so why are u watching it on dvd then?
Vernon: i didn't get it, i just thought of you when I saw it on the shelves.
me: ooh ...ok...misunderstood ...
one sec...mom calling again
me: uff...she called to remind me that I was supposed to come join her at the long night of games this evening
that it is almost midnight now doesn't seem to bother her
she just got to the "spielothek" = gamelibrary
Vernon: she's got you home now
me: i am kinda comfortable on my couch right now...but this gamenight is happening in our village...so I should probably take advantage of the convenience of the action for a change
she's got you home now - what u mean?
Vernon: taking advantage of it
me: u mean in austria?
Vernon: yup
me: right. my dad came to visit twice this week. that's new
should i go play games? I was going to do some reflection tonight....
Vernon: if you feel like it, obviously she called so somebody wants you there...
me: meanwhile I have been chatting most of the eve ;)
Vernon: reflecting on what?
me: what I REALLY want
what would REALLY be best to do next
to stay or to go
now is when I have to decide.
Vernon: good grief, you do too much of that in large chunks.
i do a little bit every day, keeps the edge off.
me: lol i do, too....but fact is..I have to make a life-changing decision soon and that is just a big freakin chunk by nature
Vernon: what's the decision?
me: to stay or to go back because if I decide to stay...we are staying...that's it
Vernon: indeed.
me: I mean .... it has to be something really grave then for us to go back
Vernon: if I
me: I don't want to yank the kids out of their lives like that
Vernon: so nobody else has any say?
me: i wish D would have more to say...
Vernon: you guys living in a matriarchy?
me: more feedback
Vernon: indeed.
me: he'd be fine anywhere he says
Vernon: we don't even need to go there.then you do live in a matriarchy!
me: well, hellooo....welcome to the my family reality.
Vernon: good thing you didn't crank out any boys then
me: lol yup...maia has a lot to say nowadays, too
she is going to be making the decisions soon
Vernon: i think she will mostly be making the decision about whether you stay or go
the needs of the girls outweight the needs of the Sisi
me: ... i guess...or at least that's what i have to figure out
i have been advised not to do that by several of my girlfriends (mothers) including my own mom. there is no point in location when the mother is depressed or unavailable
Vernon: indeed
me: most important is the home
Vernon: that's how you end up unhappy and you definately pass that onto the kids.
me: no matter where it's location right...
Vernon: unhappy parents make unhappy children who turn into unhappy adults.
me: so....my whole reflection thing has to happen in layers.
Vernon: break the cycle!choose happiness!
me: one: why is it that I am carrying this somewhat constant sadness with me
Vernon: unhappy parents make unhappy children who turn into unhappy adults.that's part of it
me: my father isn't unhappy...neither is my mom...at least they did not convey it to me that way
surprising actually cuz they went through a lot of sht especially in the past few years..
Vernon: when you were a kid?
me: when I was a kid, ..what?
Vernon: i'm not talking about them being happy now, i'm talking about when you were a kid and they were going through crazy shit. those formative years really shape your identity.
me: oh..no...my parents never showed their personal emotions to us they were our parents
Vernon: but i suppose i should listen to the story instead of speculating. maybe you're just a wacko mutant
me: one time my mother even told me that it isn't good for me to hear her personal problems
Vernon: who fell far from the family tree.
me: I think,...in a way that is right...it worries children
Vernon: maybe their genes just didn't mix right--- sort of an inverse-inbreding.
me: what are u suggesting?
if anything, they didn't make me dull enough
i think too damn much
Vernon: yeah, i think repressed parents screw up their kids, in some ways worse than demonstrative bad parents -- because kids can feel it even if it isn't discussed and it gives them confused signals that they internalize into their personalities.
me: should I be happy, should I be sad, why is it that I am sad, mabye it is in my mind,blahblahblahblah
Vernon: i used to be sad all the time, then i learned to stop trying to figure it out and accept it, but i also learned that i have to make choices that make me happy in the short and long term.
me: i never felt damaged by my childhood...it has affected me in who I am, no doubt.....but all in all I recall my childhood to be a very happy one. until the divorce that is
Vernon: took me about 34years to learn that.
me: what choices?
Vernon: short and long run. well, there are things that happen unconciously
i used to insist that I was one of the happiest people I knew---let me tell you, i was in denial. me: one sec...phone
Vernon: i'll just carry on and let you catch up when you get back....
me: k
Vernon: something I've kind of observed about you is that your unhappiness and sadness and discontent follows you around like a cloud, because you carry them around.
Vernon: Seems to me you were plenty unhappy before you had the girls, and after you had the girls; when you lived in New York, when you moved to Austria; i'm trying to think of other psychological spaces you've been in, but you've been gone too long for me to remember them in a pinch.
Vernon: i think you have a hard time being satisfied with the riches you have, because you always seem to think the riches across the fence will be more fulfilling and valuable somehow.
all the while you have a very wealthy and enviable life.
a life that in material terms is probably better than probably between 70-80% of the folks on the planet.
Vernon: decent husband, beautiful kids, head full of valuable skills and a keen appreciation of art and literature, portable job skills, language skills, friend-making skills-- a sharp mind, a pretty figure, good health. i think if I were to rank you on a scale from 1 to 10, I'd say you were an 8.
minus one point because your sense of humor needs some work-- fix that and you'd probably feel much less sad.
minus one point because you take everything to goddamned seriously. leave a little room in your life for uncontrolled chaos-- chaos visits us all, so they're no point panicking about it.omigod, i'm going crazy with the monologue here. I should be doing dishes!
me:---HEY, I have an excellent sense of humor...just not yours. .... I like subtlety (spelling?), and sarcasm.... people sometimes seem to mistake sarcasm for just plain and blunt personal attacks and yes...I do take everything too damn seriously but that also gets all the shit done in this place
Vernon: i reckon. where I come from sarcasm and humor are too different things. i know folks who are sarcastic and funny, i know other folks who are sarcastic and earnest
your sarcasm comes off very earnest
besides, I didn't say you didn't have a sense of humor, i said it needs some work. don't be so defensive!
Vernon: case in point: my dad could have been a much worse father than he was, but as it is he was a pot head, womanizer, deadbeat (for my 2nd through 8th years), he smoked crack, caught AIDS, beat (not spanked, beat) his children regularly, made innumerable ill-adviced, selfish choices. But you know what? My sister and I turned out okay and we love him enough to keep him involved in our regular lives.
Vernon: My point is-- you and your kids can handle whatever life throws at you as a result of the choices you make. You don't have to make all the "right" choices, or all the "best" choices for things to turn out alright. I need to wash some dishes -- apparently I live in a matriachy too. Give me a holler when you've caught up. I'm just in the next room.
me: sorry....still on phone...brb
me: I think how kids come out always involves some sort of luck
Vernon: yeah. you need to lower your standard for happiness. find a way to be satisfied with simple joys instead of waiting for the full enchilada
me: SOMEtimes I even think it depends for the most part on just what kind of character that person has
something genetic mabye
i don't know
would be interesting to study
Vernon: yeah, well, luck plays a small role, fun and effort and happiness and feeling the love are much more important. well nature and nurture both have their roles.
me: and I dare say nature is more powerful....
Vernon: we may inherit predispositions, but nurture can change them.
it's hard to be unhappy if you are showered with love and support your whole life.
me: when u look at all kinds of families...why are there always the normal (good) ones, and then the ones that just can't get their act together?
...showering someone with love (especially a rebellious teenager) is probably a hard thing to do for most people and still....there are plenty of kids who come out of that ok (eg. you-maybe)?Vernon: this will probably be a very difficult thing for you to accomplish, but I think you should put a lot of effort into learning not to worry so much.
me: i am trying
right now i have to otherwise I'd be going nuts no job
Vernon: i think that's what really saved me was knowing that my dad did what he did out of love and caring-- he was selfish, no doubt, but my sister and I knew that he loved and cared.
me: -50 bucks in the bank and we are only half way through the month
Vernon: because it's too easy to be an deadbeat black father in america -- many, many many black fathers are absent.
me: and no apartment (soon anyway)
Vernon: you'll be fine.
me: how did u know? especially since he left for a few years
Vernon: i cannot tell you how many months we lived with less than 50 bucks for an entire month. in winter as preteens.
me: shoot
Vernon: what doesn't kill us makes us stronger-- and with your folks handy, you won't be dying anytime soon.
me: it's winter now....too
Vernon: it won't kill you.
me: lol right
Vernon: wait and see.
me: but u know how frugal I am and how paranoid about debt
always watching what gets spent
I guess, that's because there was no family for me in NY
Vernon: just like kids are good at adapting, so are parents. at least good ones.
me: and I didn't (and still don't) want to borrow big amounts of money (not from my parents)Vernon: then take little ones.that's what family is for.my dad hates taking money from me and sometimes i hate giving it, but...
me: My pride sucks
Vernon: that's what family is for.
pride vs. hungry children....hmmmmm....ask maia how she feels about that?
me: we would need it so badly...but there is NO way I am going to ask
they are not going to starve
Vernon: "Mommy, what's pride?"
it's the feeling in you stomach
me: LOL
..but maybe the light bill might not get paid.....or something like that.
ok. I'm gonna go now
it is 1:40am
Vernon: ok. g'nighty.nice chatting with you, finally!
me: rub your wifey's preggo belly for me
Vernon: indeed.she's getting twice as big everyday.
me: can't wait to see that babyyy
Vernon: indeed.
me: send pics!!!
Vernon: milk chocolate.
me: ttylniteynite
Vernon: smooch
and
we
are
your
family!
damnit.
me: for that You deserve a fat smooch back!
so long m'friend
Vernon: lata
Vernon: hard times make for great stories
usually in retrospect
enjoy the hard times!
me: ya.
thanks
well, ...last year around that time I yearned for change....now, I've got change alright
Vernon: careful what you ask for!usually you get it.
me: i get that feeling
----------
Vernon: sisi you there?
yay!!!
me: u always start talking and then that's it ur gone again is this a new game
Vernon: you gotta be quickgame? I wish
El presidente! remember.
plus, you know, work is crazy.
me: i know i've heard
Vernon: plus, you know, evi just finished her first trimester-- I'm sure you can relate.
how's your life? i don't see nearly enough photo updates!
me: busy like crazy
Vernon: i'm hoping that means you have a supremely happy family-life, so busy making fun that you have no time for pursuing... well, i guess that answers that.crazy busy with what?
me: work. managing household & kids stuff (lot of admin. crap, too), trying to find new place and mostly new job haven't watched tv in months...movies: very rarely
books sit untouched on my nighttable as I hit the pillow exhaustedly every night, the house still could need a woman's touch
or a very tidy man's
Vernon: what about work prospects?
sometimes I work 16-18 hour days and then watch a 2 hour movie to unwind especially when I'm insomniac
me: wow ...u really have gone workaholicrazy
Vernon: sometimes all this work keeps the brain churning and escaping into a movie is the best way to turn it off.
me: i am dying for some new moviematerial
Vernon: i saw veronica mars on DVD and thought of you --- Tower is going out of business at the end of the month and they have a hug sell going on now.
me: REALLY?VM?how come?I looove her
huge sale...like how mcuh?and for what?
Vernon: 20-40%, it gets cheaper every week because they have to be out by month's end.
Vernon: I'm taking German at downtown Tuesdays and Thursdays so I stop by on my way home after getting off the crosstown bus. EVERYTHING MUST GO!
me: wow.
Vernon: oh, I read a blog of someone else who loves veronica mars --- http://www.blogography.com/ he acts like a bit of a selfish ass, but he can be funny, plus he writes an entry every single day
me: how do u know i like VM btw?
Vernon: i feel the same way about VM as I did when I used to watch it with you..girlpower--- yuck
me: oh right --LOL
Vernon: when i see her i talk about more important stuff-- like office gossip.
me: so why are u watching it on dvd then?
Vernon: i didn't get it, i just thought of you when I saw it on the shelves.
me: ooh ...ok...misunderstood ...
one sec...mom calling again
me: uff...she called to remind me that I was supposed to come join her at the long night of games this evening
that it is almost midnight now doesn't seem to bother her
she just got to the "spielothek" = gamelibrary
Vernon: she's got you home now
me: i am kinda comfortable on my couch right now...but this gamenight is happening in our village...so I should probably take advantage of the convenience of the action for a change
she's got you home now - what u mean?
Vernon: taking advantage of it
me: u mean in austria?
Vernon: yup
me: right. my dad came to visit twice this week. that's new
should i go play games? I was going to do some reflection tonight....
Vernon: if you feel like it, obviously she called so somebody wants you there...
me: meanwhile I have been chatting most of the eve ;)
Vernon: reflecting on what?
me: what I REALLY want
what would REALLY be best to do next
to stay or to go
now is when I have to decide.
Vernon: good grief, you do too much of that in large chunks.
i do a little bit every day, keeps the edge off.
me: lol i do, too....but fact is..I have to make a life-changing decision soon and that is just a big freakin chunk by nature
Vernon: what's the decision?
me: to stay or to go back because if I decide to stay...we are staying...that's it
Vernon: indeed.
me: I mean .... it has to be something really grave then for us to go back
Vernon: if I
me: I don't want to yank the kids out of their lives like that
Vernon: so nobody else has any say?
me: i wish D would have more to say...
Vernon: you guys living in a matriarchy?
me: more feedback
Vernon: indeed.
me: he'd be fine anywhere he says
Vernon: we don't even need to go there.then you do live in a matriarchy!
me: well, hellooo....welcome to the my family reality.
Vernon: good thing you didn't crank out any boys then
me: lol yup...maia has a lot to say nowadays, too
she is going to be making the decisions soon
Vernon: i think she will mostly be making the decision about whether you stay or go
the needs of the girls outweight the needs of the Sisi
me: ... i guess...or at least that's what i have to figure out
i have been advised not to do that by several of my girlfriends (mothers) including my own mom. there is no point in location when the mother is depressed or unavailable
Vernon: indeed
me: most important is the home
Vernon: that's how you end up unhappy and you definately pass that onto the kids.
me: no matter where it's location right...
Vernon: unhappy parents make unhappy children who turn into unhappy adults.
me: so....my whole reflection thing has to happen in layers.
Vernon: break the cycle!choose happiness!
me: one: why is it that I am carrying this somewhat constant sadness with me
Vernon: unhappy parents make unhappy children who turn into unhappy adults.that's part of it
me: my father isn't unhappy...neither is my mom...at least they did not convey it to me that way
surprising actually cuz they went through a lot of sht especially in the past few years..
Vernon: when you were a kid?
me: when I was a kid, ..what?
Vernon: i'm not talking about them being happy now, i'm talking about when you were a kid and they were going through crazy shit. those formative years really shape your identity.
me: oh..no...my parents never showed their personal emotions to us they were our parents
Vernon: but i suppose i should listen to the story instead of speculating. maybe you're just a wacko mutant
me: one time my mother even told me that it isn't good for me to hear her personal problems
Vernon: who fell far from the family tree.
me: I think,...in a way that is right...it worries children
Vernon: maybe their genes just didn't mix right--- sort of an inverse-inbreding.
me: what are u suggesting?
if anything, they didn't make me dull enough
i think too damn much
Vernon: yeah, i think repressed parents screw up their kids, in some ways worse than demonstrative bad parents -- because kids can feel it even if it isn't discussed and it gives them confused signals that they internalize into their personalities.
me: should I be happy, should I be sad, why is it that I am sad, mabye it is in my mind,blahblahblahblah
Vernon: i used to be sad all the time, then i learned to stop trying to figure it out and accept it, but i also learned that i have to make choices that make me happy in the short and long term.
me: i never felt damaged by my childhood...it has affected me in who I am, no doubt.....but all in all I recall my childhood to be a very happy one. until the divorce that is
Vernon: took me about 34years to learn that.
me: what choices?
Vernon: short and long run. well, there are things that happen unconciously
i used to insist that I was one of the happiest people I knew---let me tell you, i was in denial. me: one sec...phone
Vernon: i'll just carry on and let you catch up when you get back....
me: k
Vernon: something I've kind of observed about you is that your unhappiness and sadness and discontent follows you around like a cloud, because you carry them around.
Vernon: Seems to me you were plenty unhappy before you had the girls, and after you had the girls; when you lived in New York, when you moved to Austria; i'm trying to think of other psychological spaces you've been in, but you've been gone too long for me to remember them in a pinch.
Vernon: i think you have a hard time being satisfied with the riches you have, because you always seem to think the riches across the fence will be more fulfilling and valuable somehow.
all the while you have a very wealthy and enviable life.
a life that in material terms is probably better than probably between 70-80% of the folks on the planet.
Vernon: decent husband, beautiful kids, head full of valuable skills and a keen appreciation of art and literature, portable job skills, language skills, friend-making skills-- a sharp mind, a pretty figure, good health. i think if I were to rank you on a scale from 1 to 10, I'd say you were an 8.
minus one point because your sense of humor needs some work-- fix that and you'd probably feel much less sad.
minus one point because you take everything to goddamned seriously. leave a little room in your life for uncontrolled chaos-- chaos visits us all, so they're no point panicking about it.omigod, i'm going crazy with the monologue here. I should be doing dishes!
me:---HEY, I have an excellent sense of humor...just not yours. .... I like subtlety (spelling?), and sarcasm.... people sometimes seem to mistake sarcasm for just plain and blunt personal attacks and yes...I do take everything too damn seriously but that also gets all the shit done in this place
Vernon: i reckon. where I come from sarcasm and humor are too different things. i know folks who are sarcastic and funny, i know other folks who are sarcastic and earnest
your sarcasm comes off very earnest
besides, I didn't say you didn't have a sense of humor, i said it needs some work. don't be so defensive!
Vernon: case in point: my dad could have been a much worse father than he was, but as it is he was a pot head, womanizer, deadbeat (for my 2nd through 8th years), he smoked crack, caught AIDS, beat (not spanked, beat) his children regularly, made innumerable ill-adviced, selfish choices. But you know what? My sister and I turned out okay and we love him enough to keep him involved in our regular lives.
Vernon: My point is-- you and your kids can handle whatever life throws at you as a result of the choices you make. You don't have to make all the "right" choices, or all the "best" choices for things to turn out alright. I need to wash some dishes -- apparently I live in a matriachy too. Give me a holler when you've caught up. I'm just in the next room.
me: sorry....still on phone...brb
me: I think how kids come out always involves some sort of luck
Vernon: yeah. you need to lower your standard for happiness. find a way to be satisfied with simple joys instead of waiting for the full enchilada
me: SOMEtimes I even think it depends for the most part on just what kind of character that person has
something genetic mabye
i don't know
would be interesting to study
Vernon: yeah, well, luck plays a small role, fun and effort and happiness and feeling the love are much more important. well nature and nurture both have their roles.
me: and I dare say nature is more powerful....
Vernon: we may inherit predispositions, but nurture can change them.
it's hard to be unhappy if you are showered with love and support your whole life.
me: when u look at all kinds of families...why are there always the normal (good) ones, and then the ones that just can't get their act together?
...showering someone with love (especially a rebellious teenager) is probably a hard thing to do for most people and still....there are plenty of kids who come out of that ok (eg. you-maybe)?Vernon: this will probably be a very difficult thing for you to accomplish, but I think you should put a lot of effort into learning not to worry so much.
me: i am trying
right now i have to otherwise I'd be going nuts no job
Vernon: i think that's what really saved me was knowing that my dad did what he did out of love and caring-- he was selfish, no doubt, but my sister and I knew that he loved and cared.
me: -50 bucks in the bank and we are only half way through the month
Vernon: because it's too easy to be an deadbeat black father in america -- many, many many black fathers are absent.
me: and no apartment (soon anyway)
Vernon: you'll be fine.
me: how did u know? especially since he left for a few years
Vernon: i cannot tell you how many months we lived with less than 50 bucks for an entire month. in winter as preteens.
me: shoot
Vernon: what doesn't kill us makes us stronger-- and with your folks handy, you won't be dying anytime soon.
me: it's winter now....too
Vernon: it won't kill you.
me: lol right
Vernon: wait and see.
me: but u know how frugal I am and how paranoid about debt
always watching what gets spent
I guess, that's because there was no family for me in NY
Vernon: just like kids are good at adapting, so are parents. at least good ones.
me: and I didn't (and still don't) want to borrow big amounts of money (not from my parents)Vernon: then take little ones.that's what family is for.my dad hates taking money from me and sometimes i hate giving it, but...
me: My pride sucks
Vernon: that's what family is for.
pride vs. hungry children....hmmmmm....ask maia how she feels about that?
me: we would need it so badly...but there is NO way I am going to ask
they are not going to starve
Vernon: "Mommy, what's pride?"
it's the feeling in you stomach
me: LOL
..but maybe the light bill might not get paid.....or something like that.
ok. I'm gonna go now
it is 1:40am
Vernon: ok. g'nighty.nice chatting with you, finally!
me: rub your wifey's preggo belly for me
Vernon: indeed.she's getting twice as big everyday.
me: can't wait to see that babyyy
Vernon: indeed.
me: send pics!!!
Vernon: milk chocolate.
me: ttylniteynite
Vernon: smooch
and
we
are
your
family!
damnit.
me: for that You deserve a fat smooch back!
so long m'friend
Vernon: lata
Vernon: hard times make for great stories
usually in retrospect
enjoy the hard times!
me: ya.
thanks
well, ...last year around that time I yearned for change....now, I've got change alright
Vernon: careful what you ask for!usually you get it.
me: i get that feeling
Sunday, October 22, 2006
I think I'm one of them...
I just read this somewhere on parentcenter.com
"We middle class Americans are obsessed with academic achievement. It's become a sport for parents, who compete to have their children be the first to write, read, and perform other feats of precociousness at earlier and earlier ages. Before we know it, we'll be bummed out when they're not ready for a spelling bee by 12 months ("What's wrong with her? Am I a bad parent?"). With all due respect, so what if our toddlers aren't certified as "gifted" by 24 months and can't write their ABCs by 29 months? What we really need to be working on is social and emotional skills. The world doesn't need a new crop of neurotic overachievers. It needs more clear-headed and compassionate citizens who can navigate through the jungle of mixed messages, manipulations and, most important, fear and anger that characterize life in 21st century American society. Let's give them a leg up!"-- Conor & Liam's Dad
He's so right...but I think I am one of those "middle class Americans", he's talking about.....and I'm not even American. Sometimes I look at myself with pity for thinking this way but this behavior (as mentioned above) is contagious. It's not the competitiveness it's just the keeping up that got me. I mean, to ensure that Maia gets the best education (in the US, at least) I would have to play that f*in' game.
Here (in Austria - if you are new to the blog), I don't have to and the kindergarten teachers remind me every single time (when I ask if they won't let Maia do some letters, too), that they prefer if the kids focus on their social and emotional skills first. Reading and writing will come soon enough and they will all get it.
"We middle class Americans are obsessed with academic achievement. It's become a sport for parents, who compete to have their children be the first to write, read, and perform other feats of precociousness at earlier and earlier ages. Before we know it, we'll be bummed out when they're not ready for a spelling bee by 12 months ("What's wrong with her? Am I a bad parent?"). With all due respect, so what if our toddlers aren't certified as "gifted" by 24 months and can't write their ABCs by 29 months? What we really need to be working on is social and emotional skills. The world doesn't need a new crop of neurotic overachievers. It needs more clear-headed and compassionate citizens who can navigate through the jungle of mixed messages, manipulations and, most important, fear and anger that characterize life in 21st century American society. Let's give them a leg up!"-- Conor & Liam's Dad
He's so right...but I think I am one of those "middle class Americans", he's talking about.....and I'm not even American. Sometimes I look at myself with pity for thinking this way but this behavior (as mentioned above) is contagious. It's not the competitiveness it's just the keeping up that got me. I mean, to ensure that Maia gets the best education (in the US, at least) I would have to play that f*in' game.
Here (in Austria - if you are new to the blog), I don't have to and the kindergarten teachers remind me every single time (when I ask if they won't let Maia do some letters, too), that they prefer if the kids focus on their social and emotional skills first. Reading and writing will come soon enough and they will all get it.
one of the neighbors shows a found cocoon to the kids
mine are Nayla (middle) and Maia (right)
Maia on her bike
Thursday, October 19, 2006
life goes on even if you don't know what's coming tomorrow
After a little nervous-breakdown last week, which might be partially attributable to PMS, I am now still a little depressed but generally in a state of acceptance.
So, I have no job. So, my tenants have screwed me over and are pushing me into financial ruin. So, I am soon without a place to live.
What will come will come.
Life has passed me the unlucky card. It's not that unlucky anyway. It could be MUCH worse and I am grateful this is all I got. I've been wondering when it is my turn. My life has been too good.
It's time for some character building (...which in my case still seems to manifest in a light depression...but I'll work on that.)
Of course, this whole "Zen-ly" state of acceptance isn't so easy with my annoyingly over-analytical mind. Really, sometimes I wish I would be a bit more superficial and self-involved. It would be so much easier if I could, let's say, focus on my hair, my wardrobe, and my daily life. Instead, I have to go all out and add (to my daily crap) worries about humanity, the potential dangers for my kids everywhere, the world....
Maybe I've been too much on top of the news lately. Meanwhile, I KNOW this is just life. This is how people are and have been forever.
I should be getting wiser but really I am becoming more neurotic over the years. I've been wondering lately, where that optimistic, rational, strong, never-shedding-a-tear young woman I used to be has gone. Is it that life-experience let's us lose hope?
Geez, this blog is turning into a really depressing read lately. If you hop back a few months you will see that I used to write much differently. Yes, always bitching and moaning, but always with a lighter touch and a humorous angle. Also, my English is beginning to suck.
This too shall pass.
So, I have no job. So, my tenants have screwed me over and are pushing me into financial ruin. So, I am soon without a place to live.
What will come will come.
Life has passed me the unlucky card. It's not that unlucky anyway. It could be MUCH worse and I am grateful this is all I got. I've been wondering when it is my turn. My life has been too good.
It's time for some character building (...which in my case still seems to manifest in a light depression...but I'll work on that.)
Of course, this whole "Zen-ly" state of acceptance isn't so easy with my annoyingly over-analytical mind. Really, sometimes I wish I would be a bit more superficial and self-involved. It would be so much easier if I could, let's say, focus on my hair, my wardrobe, and my daily life. Instead, I have to go all out and add (to my daily crap) worries about humanity, the potential dangers for my kids everywhere, the world....
Maybe I've been too much on top of the news lately. Meanwhile, I KNOW this is just life. This is how people are and have been forever.
I should be getting wiser but really I am becoming more neurotic over the years. I've been wondering lately, where that optimistic, rational, strong, never-shedding-a-tear young woman I used to be has gone. Is it that life-experience let's us lose hope?
Geez, this blog is turning into a really depressing read lately. If you hop back a few months you will see that I used to write much differently. Yes, always bitching and moaning, but always with a lighter touch and a humorous angle. Also, my English is beginning to suck.
This too shall pass.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
a day in the life of...me
today I had a day from hell...workload-wise.
nevertheless, into my lunchbreak I squeezed in a deep-cleaning of the bathroom and some quality time with Nayla. When I came home at 7 o'clock in the evening, I went straight to preparing dinner for the kids, and pulling them through bed-time routine (brushing teeth, pjs, reading, and keeping them in bed). Then I staightened out the living room, the hall-way, and finally, the bathroom again.
I am pretty tired....and until an hour ago I was also pretty pissed at D for letting me do all this sh*t.
Maybe I'll go to sleep early and join some of my colleagues (actually, they are from a different firm but I manage a project they develop for our company) for a sunrise hike.
They meet at their office at 4 a.m., then drive up to the Kanis Fluh (some mountain in the Bregenzer Wald), hike up to see the sunrise and then return to the office (around 10am) to get to work.
This sounds like a really cool thing to do. I just hope I can get my a** up at 3:15 in the morning....and that for hiking...which really I am not a fan of. I do like sunrises, nature, and those people, though, so I'll make that my motivation. :)
PS: Dario just came in with a bag of fresh popcorn and chocolate for me (because I have my period). Gave me a kiss and went back to his computer. Now, ...do you get my point? So sweet, but oh so sad. Is it really that men just have no clue? Does he really see nothing of my struggle? Does he really think he can make everything ok with those little gestures? They are gestures of love and I appreciate them very much but ... he's so deep in the hole they get him only a few points. ....
that popcorn is goood, though ;)
PPS: Austin Powers rocks! ;) (yes, I know, this is completely unrelated information...but not to me...I just watched the music video "Ray of Light"...Madonna rocks, too, of course;)
nevertheless, into my lunchbreak I squeezed in a deep-cleaning of the bathroom and some quality time with Nayla. When I came home at 7 o'clock in the evening, I went straight to preparing dinner for the kids, and pulling them through bed-time routine (brushing teeth, pjs, reading, and keeping them in bed). Then I staightened out the living room, the hall-way, and finally, the bathroom again.
I am pretty tired....and until an hour ago I was also pretty pissed at D for letting me do all this sh*t.
Maybe I'll go to sleep early and join some of my colleagues (actually, they are from a different firm but I manage a project they develop for our company) for a sunrise hike.
They meet at their office at 4 a.m., then drive up to the Kanis Fluh (some mountain in the Bregenzer Wald), hike up to see the sunrise and then return to the office (around 10am) to get to work.
This sounds like a really cool thing to do. I just hope I can get my a** up at 3:15 in the morning....and that for hiking...which really I am not a fan of. I do like sunrises, nature, and those people, though, so I'll make that my motivation. :)
PS: Dario just came in with a bag of fresh popcorn and chocolate for me (because I have my period). Gave me a kiss and went back to his computer. Now, ...do you get my point? So sweet, but oh so sad. Is it really that men just have no clue? Does he really see nothing of my struggle? Does he really think he can make everything ok with those little gestures? They are gestures of love and I appreciate them very much but ... he's so deep in the hole they get him only a few points. ....
that popcorn is goood, though ;)
PPS: Austin Powers rocks! ;) (yes, I know, this is completely unrelated information...but not to me...I just watched the music video "Ray of Light"...Madonna rocks, too, of course;)
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
relationship blues
I am very wary of my relationship at the moment...
I love Dario, I do ....but I am so tired of his ways. Certain ways that leave me stuck with either more work, his work, or generally a mess. He is unreliable, can't focus (his ADD is adding an extra notch of stress), and just doesn't care. This is how he keeps his cool, which is ok, and I am happy for him. Unfortunately, he is messing with my cool and I just can't take it anymore.
I am super-edgy lately. Total bitch, if I may say. Especially, considering the fact that he is mostly very nice to me. Nice but unreliable. Nice, but inconsiderate. Nice, but blind to my stress at work (or unable to react to it properly).
I feel like I've been let down on a promise. A promise I was stupid enough to believe. I mean, I have been with the man for 11 years. I should know better.
He promised, he'll take care of everything. He'll master the household, take care of things so I don't have to worry. I told him that my job will be much more demanding and I believed him when he promised support and hard work on his part because I wanted to believe him. I wanted it to be true so badly that I ignored my reason and memory.
I love him and I always want him to be in my life but I am not sure I want to be in this relationship anymore. :(
Why can't I just beam myself to the future? Skip all the break-up drama, resentment and (understandably) resulting hurtfulness from his part and just be good friends, who care about each other and the well-being of their children.
Maybe I just need some space and maybe we just need some time apart sometimes. We have been spending way too much time together lately. Quality time is vital for every relationship but enough is enough. It's always about dosage, as they say... And I've been having wayy to big of a dosis of Dario. ;)
I need him in a different way. Intimately and as my family...but he's been substituting as my hang-out partner lately and that just won't work for me on a long-term basis. We have never had the same sense of humor (in fact, I can't stand his "funny" - always sexually suggestive - comments) and we certainly don't enjoy the same conversational topics.
sigh.
let's see where this is going.
no good phase can last forever, right;)
so, I guess, here goes the bad phase.....again.
hopefully we'll make it....again.
I love Dario, I do ....but I am so tired of his ways. Certain ways that leave me stuck with either more work, his work, or generally a mess. He is unreliable, can't focus (his ADD is adding an extra notch of stress), and just doesn't care. This is how he keeps his cool, which is ok, and I am happy for him. Unfortunately, he is messing with my cool and I just can't take it anymore.
I am super-edgy lately. Total bitch, if I may say. Especially, considering the fact that he is mostly very nice to me. Nice but unreliable. Nice, but inconsiderate. Nice, but blind to my stress at work (or unable to react to it properly).
I feel like I've been let down on a promise. A promise I was stupid enough to believe. I mean, I have been with the man for 11 years. I should know better.
He promised, he'll take care of everything. He'll master the household, take care of things so I don't have to worry. I told him that my job will be much more demanding and I believed him when he promised support and hard work on his part because I wanted to believe him. I wanted it to be true so badly that I ignored my reason and memory.
I love him and I always want him to be in my life but I am not sure I want to be in this relationship anymore. :(
Why can't I just beam myself to the future? Skip all the break-up drama, resentment and (understandably) resulting hurtfulness from his part and just be good friends, who care about each other and the well-being of their children.
Maybe I just need some space and maybe we just need some time apart sometimes. We have been spending way too much time together lately. Quality time is vital for every relationship but enough is enough. It's always about dosage, as they say... And I've been having wayy to big of a dosis of Dario. ;)
I need him in a different way. Intimately and as my family...but he's been substituting as my hang-out partner lately and that just won't work for me on a long-term basis. We have never had the same sense of humor (in fact, I can't stand his "funny" - always sexually suggestive - comments) and we certainly don't enjoy the same conversational topics.
sigh.
let's see where this is going.
no good phase can last forever, right;)
so, I guess, here goes the bad phase.....again.
hopefully we'll make it....again.
Saturday, September 16, 2006
true home?
I am in such a sentimenal mood lately.
Life is so much easier here and so much better for the kids. We go to the free family fairs every other weekend, Maia goes to kindergarten (daycare) which costs like 25 bucks a semester, school will cost nothing and will provide the kids with a solid education, starting next week Maia will attend a swim-course (10 min from here), every Wednesday she can be part of the kiddie ballet in the town hall, and in the winter she will learn how to ski. And all this for a reasonable or super-cheap (compared to NY) price. Best price comparison are the parking tickets. I mean, you can already park almost anywhere here (sidewalk, side of the street, wherever, but if you do it wrong one time you'll get a 10$ ticket. Now, for those of you who are not familiar with NYC parking fines: If you don't put enough money in your meter (which mostly gives you only an hour) you will be fined $110, unless it's gone up since April. ;)
I am reading the messages of the online parenting group I am part of (in NY) and I can emphasize with the pre-school panic parents are put into by all the crap they have to deal with to make sure their little ones get a good educational start. I mean, ERB tests, pre-school portfolios, interviews with the child...it's absurd! And I am sure I would be part of the craze, if I would be there right now with Maia getting into kindergarden age.
Here they send you a letter that she is enrolled (automatically) in the kindergarten nearest you. The teachers are sweet, the kids are kids, they do lots of activities and hike a lot and that's the end of the story. No stress.
I have also just found an opportunity to ride someone's horse a few times a week. It'll cost me $75/month. I have always wanted that...next to wanting a horse myself, of course.
But regardless of all that, I miss New York. As much as I hate the traffic, the attitude, and the unbelievably unfair costs of this city (which make it impossible for the average or poor joe to enjoy the goodies) - I still love it because I feel it is my home. I grew up (mostly) in Vorarlberg but I feel like New York is where I belong.Also, I miss my friends like crazy. :(
I have very good friends here. Some are my best friends since childhood and I love them but my friends in NY were closer (in proximity), so I actually saw them every day and that made them like family to me. Rosa and I lead an almost symbiotic life. We shared dinner duties, drove each other's kids around, sat together for 1am movies and drinks to wind down from the day. This I just don't have here. All I have is a job that sucks every usable minute of the day out of me and an occasional meeting with one of my friends (- meetings I enjoy very much but are way too seldomly arrangable).
Maybe I just need to get used to my new home...
I realized today, that Dario has been the one who has passive-aggressively moved me into almost every direction my life has and has not taken into the past 10 years (kids, where we live, how we live, Austria, ...). If I think back, it was even he who suggested the college I went to. Again, a college I like very much - especially for its people - but had I had good advice (being a new immigrant) I probably would have attended a different school. God knows, in the States it's all about the name of the school you went to but I didn't know back then.I would have probably not moved to the Bronx (and spent so many years in a neighborhood that made me lose trust in people) and I would have probably met more people like Rosa is telling me about.
She always tells me that I have seen too much bad in the city and that not all people are like that. Her 2 older kids - 17-year-old twin boys - have grown up in the city and they are really great, normal kids. She never feared leaving them at school.
It doesn't matter. I miss and love all of it. I miss my ghetto friends as much as I miss my Ivy Leaguers. It has always been who I am. Always between the chairs, as they say in German...and maybe this is just my fate.I can draw that line through my entire life. Never truly belonging.But I am afraid to get into that. That will be part of a different self-analysis. One that might break me, even.
Life is so much easier here and so much better for the kids. We go to the free family fairs every other weekend, Maia goes to kindergarten (daycare) which costs like 25 bucks a semester, school will cost nothing and will provide the kids with a solid education, starting next week Maia will attend a swim-course (10 min from here), every Wednesday she can be part of the kiddie ballet in the town hall, and in the winter she will learn how to ski. And all this for a reasonable or super-cheap (compared to NY) price. Best price comparison are the parking tickets. I mean, you can already park almost anywhere here (sidewalk, side of the street, wherever, but if you do it wrong one time you'll get a 10$ ticket. Now, for those of you who are not familiar with NYC parking fines: If you don't put enough money in your meter (which mostly gives you only an hour) you will be fined $110, unless it's gone up since April. ;)
I am reading the messages of the online parenting group I am part of (in NY) and I can emphasize with the pre-school panic parents are put into by all the crap they have to deal with to make sure their little ones get a good educational start. I mean, ERB tests, pre-school portfolios, interviews with the child...it's absurd! And I am sure I would be part of the craze, if I would be there right now with Maia getting into kindergarden age.
Here they send you a letter that she is enrolled (automatically) in the kindergarten nearest you. The teachers are sweet, the kids are kids, they do lots of activities and hike a lot and that's the end of the story. No stress.
I have also just found an opportunity to ride someone's horse a few times a week. It'll cost me $75/month. I have always wanted that...next to wanting a horse myself, of course.
But regardless of all that, I miss New York. As much as I hate the traffic, the attitude, and the unbelievably unfair costs of this city (which make it impossible for the average or poor joe to enjoy the goodies) - I still love it because I feel it is my home. I grew up (mostly) in Vorarlberg but I feel like New York is where I belong.Also, I miss my friends like crazy. :(
I have very good friends here. Some are my best friends since childhood and I love them but my friends in NY were closer (in proximity), so I actually saw them every day and that made them like family to me. Rosa and I lead an almost symbiotic life. We shared dinner duties, drove each other's kids around, sat together for 1am movies and drinks to wind down from the day. This I just don't have here. All I have is a job that sucks every usable minute of the day out of me and an occasional meeting with one of my friends (- meetings I enjoy very much but are way too seldomly arrangable).
Maybe I just need to get used to my new home...
I realized today, that Dario has been the one who has passive-aggressively moved me into almost every direction my life has and has not taken into the past 10 years (kids, where we live, how we live, Austria, ...). If I think back, it was even he who suggested the college I went to. Again, a college I like very much - especially for its people - but had I had good advice (being a new immigrant) I probably would have attended a different school. God knows, in the States it's all about the name of the school you went to but I didn't know back then.I would have probably not moved to the Bronx (and spent so many years in a neighborhood that made me lose trust in people) and I would have probably met more people like Rosa is telling me about.
She always tells me that I have seen too much bad in the city and that not all people are like that. Her 2 older kids - 17-year-old twin boys - have grown up in the city and they are really great, normal kids. She never feared leaving them at school.
It doesn't matter. I miss and love all of it. I miss my ghetto friends as much as I miss my Ivy Leaguers. It has always been who I am. Always between the chairs, as they say in German...and maybe this is just my fate.I can draw that line through my entire life. Never truly belonging.But I am afraid to get into that. That will be part of a different self-analysis. One that might break me, even.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
