to be European or American...that is the question

today is a difficult day. I'm getting tired of having to make life-changing decisions.

the perfect apartment (small house w/ garden, actually) we have found has another interested party. this means I have to either confirm the lease or let it go TODAY.
my job will officially end on the 15th of december, which means I will be getting only half my paycheck this month. this comes in addition to having been broke since the middle of last month (and going into the negative numbers).

I can't tell you how much I despise these deadbeat tenants of mine (in our NY apt.) right now. They probably think they got off great. Lived for free for 6 months and more. And who says they have to give a shit about the person who has to bathe out their irresponsibilty. They have cost me all my savings and made my financial life here miserable. I am going to have to borrow money, and I cannot tell you how much I hate to do that.

Friends and family in NYC tell me of job-opportunities for me and although these jobs sound great, the price I would pay for this (selfish) fulfillment has become too high.
I really have come to the point where I am convinced this (Vorarlberg, Austria) is the better place to raise your kids. Not a difficult equation, I admit. 8 Mio.city vs. the 350.000 head-count of Vorarlberg.
My friend Beth told me that they did a study (or survey?) on where the happiest people live. Austria came in 3rd and they say it is because of the good/free healthcare and tight social net. A social net I cannot rely on, yet, for I haven't been here (working) for more than a year. I don't even get unemployment money. (uuuhh...silent panic is rising up my throat).

And you know the "funniest" part? Apparently I will lose my permanent resident status in the U.S. soon....if I haven't lost it already. Then I will REALLY be screwed, for then I won't even be able to come back and work.

It's ironic to realize how much of a priviledge it actually is to live in the United States. I remember, how happy I was when I finally got the status to be a permanent resident and get a real job. Thousands of people every day would give their right hand to be able to become U.S. residents. And at the same time the system sucks, the crime is high, and let's face it ... morality and honor is going down hill. Everywhere you look it seems to become acceptable to cheat, lie and betray. At the same time people get thrown into jail for nothing.

Everything you say in the U.S. you have to say carefully. Talk about freedom of speech. Any criticism of the system or the conditions is immediately taken personally, and I assume it is because of the deeply patriotic sentiment of Americans. But patriotism shouldn't serve as blinders for the faults and problems of one's system or government. After all, what kind of democracy is that? The media in the U.S. is extremely censored and people have to search to get ALL the information (i.e. objectivity).
The media here isn't all that great either but the view on the world is much more objective. This is easier, for we are - most of the times - not involved. The U.S. is involved almost everywhere, and you know it is difficult to step away and see the whole picture (both sides) when you are in the middle of a fight with someone.

Anyway, that Austrians are supposedly the 3rd happiest people in the world I really doubt. Apparently we also have the highest suicide rates worldwide. Or is it Europe-wide? I think that's because we take everything too damn seriously.
Well, at least we don't kill each other. ;)

No, but seriously,...apparently most of the suicides are commited by middle-aged single, divorced, or recently separated men (often in financial debt).

In the States that same guy would probably shoot the ex-girlfriend who left him, change his social security number, and move the f* on. ...unless, of course, they catch him and give him the death-penalty. Here, ...he'd probably get 2-5 years. ...I mean, really, ...the punishment people get for criminal activity here is beyond any understanding of mine. ....maybe I've just lived in the U.S. too long....and I am used to witnessing harsh punishments for just about anything.

so,...today I have to decide...are my girls going to be European or Americans. that is a tough call...for I have also gotten so much positive from living the American way of life. Best would probably be a combination. ...Well, they have dual-citizenship...so they'll probably move back to New York City the moment I say "Happy 18th birthday, honey." ;)