is it wrong to combine smoke breaks with mediation?

I live by a fairly busy street and have grown used to the noise of passing cars, so it is particularly strange when it suddenly becomes completely silent outside because of an unpredictable traffic hole. I love this phenomena. I usually pause everything I'm doing, for the moment almost begs for attention. I was just presented with one of these rare moments. An opportunity to pause and listen to what remains - the birds, the sound of the wind in the treetops. A micro-meditation.

I've become accustomed to such mini-meditations, for I have decided a while back that I will settle for whatever brief pocket of time I can find in order to rebalance myself. Yesterday was so busy (although, I can't remember anything I did) that I combined my mini meditation with a cigarette on the fire escape. Is it wrong to combine Om-chants with smoking breaks?
I can't stand pan-flute music, but apparently it's a very hip instrument in the meditation music genre. So, I was very happy when I finally found this very basic Om-chant online.

I first learned about the ataractic physical sensation brought on by chanting when I was forced to go to a yoga class by one of my friends. She was actually teaching the class, so I had to be there for support. I used to despise yoga and thus it was a true friendship service for me to attend, particularly challenging in nature, for she included candle lighting by a picture of some guru and then - oh God - the chanting. However, I have to admit, to my great surprise, when I dutifully (and supportively) chanted along with the room, something happened. The vibrations of everyone humming together were incredibly realxing and left me liberated from the tension I had carried in my shoulders as well as, once again, reminding of the rewarding possibilities of opening up one's horizons.

Nowadays, I try to recreate this feeling of chant-vibration-induced serenity by sitting in front of a base-heavy speaker playing similar Om chants I find on Spotify. It's subpar to the real thing, sitting in a room full of people chanting together in unison, but it's like my micro-meditations: it'll do. it'll do.

back in nyc

i am sitting here. in my mother in law's house. not separated or divorced, yet.
we are still sleeping on a full-sized bed (the four of us) and I am dying to sleep in a position in which my feet are not sticking out half way over the edge of the mattress.
well, at least our boxes have arrived and we have begun to unpack. maybe we can even move into our place this weekend. let's see.
the last week i have spent playing terminator...no wait...exterminator... the condition these dead-beat tenants have left our place in has really been unimaginably filthy.
besides going to war with the roaches I have been busy researching schooling options for MLee.
Rosa convinced me to get her tested for one of those Gifted and Talented Programs, for which she needs to score with an IQ of 120 and over to be accepted. At first I was a bit sceptical but after visiting the school for a tour I lost my doubts. It would be great for her to go to school there. Let's see how she does on that test.
I also like our neighborhood schools. Unfortunately, we are not zoned for them so we are going to have to move, for there is no way I am sending my kid to the school we are zoned for. I'd rather home-school her then.
I would love to just send her to that public school nearby. It is such a friendly place and I think MLee would do just fine there.
Is it wrong to consider convenience when picking schools? That darn Gifted and Talented program is quite a drive from where we live. ...well, 15 min. but still....do that every morning...with traffic...and after that drop off Nini...I won't be able to have a job...

ugh. my writing sucks today.
i gotta get back into the habit.

lesson learned: don't ever be a landlord!

things have been happening fast over here...

Last week my brother-in-law called me to tell me that I would have to come in personally for the "final" court-date (in the proceedings of getting my non-paying tenants out of my place). Since I don't have the money to be supporting these dead-beats another 6 months, I decided to get a plane ticket and fly over (to NY). I arrived Wednesday evening and stood in court with my bro-in-law the next morning, while Maia went to kindergarden with her little buddy Lucas (Rosa's son).

The court-date was frustrating as expected and my damn honesty got me - once again - into a bad position. The case was dismissed. The problem was that P (my brother-in-law) started the petition in Dario's name, not realizing that he isn't on that sublease. He also only served the wife (whose husband had apparently moved out), which was another mistake, for he is on the lease and thus must be served. This was only one of many little complications. P (my brother-in-law) was telling me: whatever you do, don't show them the lease. It was just a formality (a mistake in proceedings) but it could cost us the case. And what do I do the moment the judge asks me for the lease? I give it to him. P was scolding me for hours after but what can I do? I can't help it. I am not built that way. You ask me a question and I will tell you the truth.

By now these people owe us 10K and our savings are gone. The woman is about to start Chemotherapy next week. I have no job, she has no job. It is just a bad situation. The court-attorney gave us the price for most terrible and complicated case of the month and told me to get an attorney, which I cannot afford, or to come to an agreement outside of the court system.

So, I made an appointment with Sandra (the wife) to sit together in the evening (together with the husband she is separated from but still lives with). Apparently, Sandra's brother also felt like he had to contribute to the conversation. He really brought me to the boiling point. Apparently, he also lives there now. Has no place to go and I am not sure, whether he has a job.

My apartment has nothing in it, except a big screen TV and my old couch. The kitchen looked like it hadn't been mopped in months, and when I sat there listening to their bullshit I really felt like a big fat "sucka".
Andrew, you have been working all this time, haven't you? I said to the husband.
Yes, he responded.
And your name is on the lease.
Yes.
So why the hell have you not paid me a penny? nothing!!?? I don't understand how you live with yourself, I then said adressing the two men. You are two grown men, older than me, working, and you are living off of me! Me, who I have 2 small kids, only one income which is probably half of what you make.... I just don't get it....have you no self-respect?

I was so pissed and these guys had no answers and apparently no solutions or options. But you know what, I AM NOT AN OPTION EITHER!
I am soooo pissed.aaargh. and to think ..I am sitting here in Rosa's apartment (above my place) and they are screaming to the music that they're blasting as if everything is just dandy...

but OK...they wanna go ghetto on me ..... I have enough ghetto in me to give that right back.
If I am not posting anymore, you know my ghetto self-justice plan of evicting them my own way hasn't worked. ...then you might be able to check me out on bitchingmamainjail.blogspot.com ;)

nah...but seriously....I don't know what to do anymore.... I have no place to go...I am paying for an apartment I don't live in....and I am out of money.....maybe it's time to call in my ghetto friends to play marshall.

brainstorming (ny or austria)

still trying to find the right decision. so today I am trying it with this method. not sure if that actually is a method that makes sense but I am out of ideas...so here it goes.
what I am going to do is, that I will just brainstorm to my life in new york city and then to my life here in vorarlberg and see what I get.
new york city

police
shock
drama
love
city
life
excellence
creativity
home
father
intuition
spirit
friends
attraction
life (again)
influence
temptation
aggression
people meddling
opinionated
Barnes&Noble
rainy days (still good)
school zoning (fear)
latino flavor (+)
freedom
choice
network
financial stability
wealth
luxury
network
wave hill
central park
upper westside
coffee shops
the village
hastings on the hudson
bad air
good weather
sun
t-r-a-f-f-i-c
administrative barriers
too many stupid rules
ridiculous fines
so far away
fear (terror)
Dominican Rep. closer
family (D's)
heat
advancement (word?)
familiarity
rut
subway (- but sometimes +)
food
emotion
baggage
freedom
sister
feeling in the gut
kids overstructured
people obsess

vorarlberg (austria)

freedom for kids
NY (not sure why that came to mind)
rationality
normal
nature
fresh
new
old
history
possibility
sensitivity
craving
folk
narrow-mindedness
prejudice
civilized
care
community
system (+)
activities
life more essential
people care
watch (be watched in every move) -
reputation
pressure
beauty
weight
internet (expensive, complicated)
stiff
rent
apartment
cold
squeeze (huh?)
fuck (i felt like cursing here,..so I don't mean the act of f.)
relationship (+)
stability
responsibility (D has got some)
not all rosy (-)
taboos (+ and - )
sacrifice
proper
standards
expectations
realistic
earnest
distant
family
reunion
kids
innocence
santa comes to your house (small town. possible)
arts & crafts for kids everywhere (markets, events, etc.)
very family friendly
maia understimulated
variety (of activities)
Europe
travel
special
unique
history
pressure
insecurity
job (not sure)
feeling
right path?
God
self-doubt
self-image
small
return to who I am (was)

to be European or American...that is the question

today is a difficult day. I'm getting tired of having to make life-changing decisions.

the perfect apartment (small house w/ garden, actually) we have found has another interested party. this means I have to either confirm the lease or let it go TODAY.
my job will officially end on the 15th of december, which means I will be getting only half my paycheck this month. this comes in addition to having been broke since the middle of last month (and going into the negative numbers).

I can't tell you how much I despise these deadbeat tenants of mine (in our NY apt.) right now. They probably think they got off great. Lived for free for 6 months and more. And who says they have to give a shit about the person who has to bathe out their irresponsibilty. They have cost me all my savings and made my financial life here miserable. I am going to have to borrow money, and I cannot tell you how much I hate to do that.

Friends and family in NYC tell me of job-opportunities for me and although these jobs sound great, the price I would pay for this (selfish) fulfillment has become too high.
I really have come to the point where I am convinced this (Vorarlberg, Austria) is the better place to raise your kids. Not a difficult equation, I admit. 8 Mio.city vs. the 350.000 head-count of Vorarlberg.
My friend Beth told me that they did a study (or survey?) on where the happiest people live. Austria came in 3rd and they say it is because of the good/free healthcare and tight social net. A social net I cannot rely on, yet, for I haven't been here (working) for more than a year. I don't even get unemployment money. (uuuhh...silent panic is rising up my throat).

And you know the "funniest" part? Apparently I will lose my permanent resident status in the U.S. soon....if I haven't lost it already. Then I will REALLY be screwed, for then I won't even be able to come back and work.

It's ironic to realize how much of a priviledge it actually is to live in the United States. I remember, how happy I was when I finally got the status to be a permanent resident and get a real job. Thousands of people every day would give their right hand to be able to become U.S. residents. And at the same time the system sucks, the crime is high, and let's face it ... morality and honor is going down hill. Everywhere you look it seems to become acceptable to cheat, lie and betray. At the same time people get thrown into jail for nothing.

Everything you say in the U.S. you have to say carefully. Talk about freedom of speech. Any criticism of the system or the conditions is immediately taken personally, and I assume it is because of the deeply patriotic sentiment of Americans. But patriotism shouldn't serve as blinders for the faults and problems of one's system or government. After all, what kind of democracy is that? The media in the U.S. is extremely censored and people have to search to get ALL the information (i.e. objectivity).
The media here isn't all that great either but the view on the world is much more objective. This is easier, for we are - most of the times - not involved. The U.S. is involved almost everywhere, and you know it is difficult to step away and see the whole picture (both sides) when you are in the middle of a fight with someone.

Anyway, that Austrians are supposedly the 3rd happiest people in the world I really doubt. Apparently we also have the highest suicide rates worldwide. Or is it Europe-wide? I think that's because we take everything too damn seriously.
Well, at least we don't kill each other. ;)

No, but seriously,...apparently most of the suicides are commited by middle-aged single, divorced, or recently separated men (often in financial debt).

In the States that same guy would probably shoot the ex-girlfriend who left him, change his social security number, and move the f* on. ...unless, of course, they catch him and give him the death-penalty. Here, ...he'd probably get 2-5 years. ...I mean, really, ...the punishment people get for criminal activity here is beyond any understanding of mine. ....maybe I've just lived in the U.S. too long....and I am used to witnessing harsh punishments for just about anything.

so,...today I have to decide...are my girls going to be European or Americans. that is a tough call...for I have also gotten so much positive from living the American way of life. Best would probably be a combination. ...Well, they have dual-citizenship...so they'll probably move back to New York City the moment I say "Happy 18th birthday, honey." ;)

leaving new york is like breaking up....

The longer I am here in my new (and old) home...Vorarlberg, Austria...the less I can imagine a return to the city I love so much. New York is like a lover that is bad for me, like an addiction I am withdrawing from.... the more time passes the more I realize how blind my love was/is for this town.

I am getting closer to a perspective I despised until just very recently. It was the view of my adopted home-town by my visiting friends and family from Europe. I didn't see the dirty streets, I didn't feel unsafe, I didn't realize how much I liked to curse. To me, NYC was just perfect...not so much my life in it....but the city itself I loved ...and I still do....but I now am at a point where I am trying to figure out why that is.

What would probably make it more difficult than anything to go back is the knowledge that I would give away the chance to let my kids be kids. That innocence they can experience in this particular region of Austria (even today) is something I doubt I can preserve if I raise them in New York.
I don't know if I wrote this down already but my friend Marta just recently reminded me of how grown-up kids in the city can be. Every day, she says, she sits in the bus and listens to kids talk on their way home from school. Teens and Tweens. And, she says, you wouldn't believe what comes over their lips (suck my d*ck this, f*ck that sh*t, etc.) .... horrible. One time, she said, a woman actually tried to discipline a group of them on the bus....they cursed her out so badly she had to get off at the next stop.
This is an unthinkable situation here. People still discipline each others kids....or the youth of the community altogether. And kids respect the fact that an adult is showing them their boundaries.

I realize, that this is probably one of the few last places where these old-time costums still work. Not far from here (just over the border in Germany), things are falling apart, too. Just take the last school shooting just a few days ago. One kid ran amok and killed 13 students.

It takes a village to raise a child, is my opinion. ...And New York City is just too big of a village to be able to accomplish that.

I still miss my friends and I still do miss NY.
And that's where the analogy of the bad lover comes from. I shouldn't yearn for NY so badly and yet, I am.

I think I'm one of them...

I just read this somewhere on parentcenter.com
"We middle class Americans are obsessed with academic achievement. It's become a sport for parents, who compete to have their children be the first to write, read, and perform other feats of precociousness at earlier and earlier ages. Before we know it, we'll be bummed out when they're not ready for a spelling bee by 12 months ("What's wrong with her? Am I a bad parent?"). With all due respect, so what if our toddlers aren't certified as "gifted" by 24 months and can't write their ABCs by 29 months? What we really need to be working on is social and emotional skills. The world doesn't need a new crop of neurotic overachievers. It needs more clear-headed and compassionate citizens who can navigate through the jungle of mixed messages, manipulations and, most important, fear and anger that characterize life in 21st century American society. Let's give them a leg up!"-- Conor & Liam's Dad

He's so right...but I think I am one of those "middle class Americans", he's talking about.....and I'm not even American. Sometimes I look at myself with pity for thinking this way but this behavior (as mentioned above) is contagious. It's not the competitiveness it's just the keeping up that got me. I mean, to ensure that Maia gets the best education (in the US, at least) I would have to play that f*in' game.
Here (in Austria - if you are new to the blog), I don't have to and the kindergarten teachers remind me every single time (when I ask if they won't let Maia do some letters, too), that they prefer if the kids focus on their social and emotional skills first. Reading and writing will come soon enough and they will all get it.

one of the neighbors shows a found cocoon to the kids


mine are Nayla (middle) and Maia (right)


Maia on her bike

true home?

I am in such a sentimenal mood lately.

Life is so much easier here and so much better for the kids. We go to the free family fairs every other weekend, Maia goes to kindergarten (daycare) which costs like 25 bucks a semester, school will cost nothing and will provide the kids with a solid education, starting next week Maia will attend a swim-course (10 min from here), every Wednesday she can be part of the kiddie ballet in the town hall, and in the winter she will learn how to ski. And all this for a reasonable or super-cheap (compared to NY) price. Best price comparison are the parking tickets. I mean, you can already park almost anywhere here (sidewalk, side of the street, wherever, but if you do it wrong one time you'll get a 10$ ticket. Now, for those of you who are not familiar with NYC parking fines: If you don't put enough money in your meter (which mostly gives you only an hour) you will be fined $110, unless it's gone up since April. ;)

I am reading the messages of the online parenting group I am part of (in NY) and I can emphasize with the pre-school panic parents are put into by all the crap they have to deal with to make sure their little ones get a good educational start. I mean, ERB tests, pre-school portfolios, interviews with the child...it's absurd! And I am sure I would be part of the craze, if I would be there right now with Maia getting into kindergarden age.
Here they send you a letter that she is enrolled (automatically) in the kindergarten nearest you. The teachers are sweet, the kids are kids, they do lots of activities and hike a lot and that's the end of the story. No stress.

I have also just found an opportunity to ride someone's horse a few times a week. It'll cost me $75/month. I have always wanted that...next to wanting a horse myself, of course.

But regardless of all that, I miss New York. As much as I hate the traffic, the attitude, and the unbelievably unfair costs of this city (which make it impossible for the average or poor joe to enjoy the goodies) - I still love it because I feel it is my home. I grew up (mostly) in Vorarlberg but I feel like New York is where I belong.Also, I miss my friends like crazy. :(

I have very good friends here. Some are my best friends since childhood and I love them but my friends in NY were closer (in proximity), so I actually saw them every day and that made them like family to me. Rosa and I lead an almost symbiotic life. We shared dinner duties, drove each other's kids around, sat together for 1am movies and drinks to wind down from the day. This I just don't have here. All I have is a job that sucks every usable minute of the day out of me and an occasional meeting with one of my friends (- meetings I enjoy very much but are way too seldomly arrangable).

Maybe I just need to get used to my new home...

I realized today, that Dario has been the one who has passive-aggressively moved me into almost every direction my life has and has not taken into the past 10 years (kids, where we live, how we live, Austria, ...). If I think back, it was even he who suggested the college I went to. Again, a college I like very much - especially for its people - but had I had good advice (being a new immigrant) I probably would have attended a different school. God knows, in the States it's all about the name of the school you went to but I didn't know back then.I would have probably not moved to the Bronx (and spent so many years in a neighborhood that made me lose trust in people) and I would have probably met more people like Rosa is telling me about.
She always tells me that I have seen too much bad in the city and that not all people are like that. Her 2 older kids - 17-year-old twin boys - have grown up in the city and they are really great, normal kids. She never feared leaving them at school.

It doesn't matter. I miss and love all of it. I miss my ghetto friends as much as I miss my Ivy Leaguers. It has always been who I am. Always between the chairs, as they say in German...and maybe this is just my fate.I can draw that line through my entire life. Never truly belonging.But I am afraid to get into that. That will be part of a different self-analysis. One that might break me, even.

the battle of the heart & mind

I'm still torn.
Tomorrow I will have another interview. This time with the top boss of the company who offered me that job in Austria.
In addition, the program director of the graduate school of my choice would like to speak with me in person before I withdraw my application.
This, of course, isn't helping my already tormented mind ...or should I say heart.

I think about this decision all day and time is running out. Soon I have to call it. Within days. Half the time I have a positive outlook on a move back home, and half the time I think about all the personal opportunities I might be or will be losing out on. I feel like I haven't completed yet, what I've come here for. I came here to study photography. Granted, I did complete my B.A., I still feel I am not finished.

Then again,....living here I am becoming more stupid by the minute. And mostly because I can. Nobody cares if I know the latest on world politics, nobody cares if I know the geographic location of the Falkland Islands, for example. The world here revolves around ourselves, it seems. Look at the local news, speak to your average Joe on the street. And you don't have to even get that general.
It is a very different environment. Nobody cares if you can spell properly ... probably because most of the people can't spell themselves. I remember how - in the beginning - I spent an eternity on every e-mail I wrote (my dictionary always and everywhere at arm's reach). Today, I hardly even proof-read to catch at least the worst mistakes. Nobody seems to care. I don't care....and I can't believe it sometimes. I can't believe what has become of me ....in general. I've let myself go big time. Maybe it's just that I am getting older and I realize that there's no need for all the bullshit ...but then again...this can lead to lower and lower standards until there are no more taboos, no more boundaries, no more rules. (alright, this is becoming radical. let me move on.)

It's going to be hard to get back into the formalities...but I think it will be good for the kids.

ok. tonight I am sending my last prayer on this topic. I'm not practicing anymore but when I spoke to my father about my dream, he pointed out that in Islam they really don't do the supersticious stuff (I suppose, he meant me thinking I got a sign). They believe that if you really have a big (life-changing) decision to make you are supposed to put as much thought into it as possible and then say two prayers to ask God to help you make the right decision and then let it be. Usually, he says, you are supposed to then sleep on it and should then feel a true inner lightness about the right decision.
I told him that I doubt this will work on me, since my mind always starts messing with my instincts or inner convictions.

My mind and my heart are always at war it seems.

A sign from God?

appendix to the last blog entry (so, read the previous post before this):

another thing to consider when/if moving back to Austria is my photography. The question is, how dependent is what I shoot on the fact that I live in NYC?
To me the rough edges of this city is what's appealing. All the irregularities, all the different worlds at odds or in harmony, the grime, the dirt, the ruggedness of the city, the shine, the splendor, and last but not least, the cornucopia of interesting faces to photograph.

What the hell am I going to photograph in freaggin' Vorarlberg? Everything is clean, in order, everyone looks pretty much the same, ...it's "perfect". I'm gonna have to do landscapes...ugh.
Dario says I'm overexaggerating. He validly pointed out that Austria is bordering on 9 countries, that we'll be travelling, and that we don't have to stay in rural Vorarlberg but could move to Vienna, where I - by the way - also got a job-offering (since yesterday). Why are these offers coming in only now? About a month too late?
But really, I don't want to go to Vienna, for then the girls will then just be again another kind of city kids. And if I had to pick, I'd rather have them be NYC kids. Better schools....believe it or not.

I asked God for a sign. And since I don't take in signs very well (too rational) I asked for it to be a strong very clear sign... one slap-me-over-the-head kinda sign.
So I had a dream. It was very short and weird. I dreamed that the tree in front of our building was on fire. Slowly burning.

Then my girlfriend Nadine called me to ask about my decision. I told her about me asking God for a sign (to show me in my dreams) and the strange completely inconclusive dream I then had and she immediately compared it to the burning bush story in the Bible. We had to google it, though, since she couldn't remember if God (speaking from the burning bush) told Moses to go on his journey or to stay put.
Turns out God told Moses to have faith and to lead his people into Egypt (or..wherever...already forgot where to...was it to Egypt or to Israel? anyway, the point is that he told him not to be afraid and to go on this journey.)

Since I don't want to make my final decision based on a dream I would love if God could be a little more clear with his opinion (like an e-mail, or something) ...but that's not going to happen...and I better watch out with my tone here before it turns blasphemic and then I'll have no guidance at all.

So, I'm almost there....and I do have faith...but ya' know...I'm a skeptic.

cruel honesty

so, I'm slaving in the kitchen for an hour, whining and crying kids hanging on my pantlegs, trying to prepare a half-way decent meal with one little hot-plate and the miniversion of the Foreman- grill (we still have no gas). Then I clean the table, prepare the kids' plates (cute arrangements, bite-sized cut meat, etc. - whatever one needs to endure to make one's children eat) and the first comment out of Maia's mouth is:
- Mo-oom.
- yes.
- ehm. the meat tastes like....curtain.

The analogy was so amusing to me that I really wasn't all that insulted. I was more curious about the origin of this comparison. "And how would you know? Ever tried curtain before?"
- "No," she said. "Then eat up," I ordered ...and then with a bit of reconsideration and pity: "You can have some ketchup if you would like to."