what is wrong with me? i should be happy. my kids are healthy. my family is healthy. I am (relatively) healthy. D can be annoying but really he isn't that bad as a husband. his weaknesses are bearable, so to say, even though I seem to not be able to bear them anymore.
there are people out there that have no homes, have to watch their kids die, their parents,.... there are people out there with problems, which make my complaints sound silly, stupid, ridiculous..but most of all, selfish.
this realization brings me to tears sometimes. almost every day, actually...when I see misery, injustice, or someone suffering I cry (silently) and curse at myself for being such a self-involved, spoiled little bitch. how dare I complain about my life?
then I wonder, ...am I also crying because I am overly sensitive thanks to an all underlying repressed depression?
ah, crap....I said I wasn't gonna go there...I wanted to return to light-hearted, mundane BS-kinda blogging.
well, ..just for the record (to acknowledge that this isn't an all depressive entry)...I also find pleasure in all the sadness I experience. I thank God for letting me experience or witness so much compassion and for letting me recognize so many ambivalent, rich, sad, deep and thought-provoking moments.
i wish I could express myself better (in English, anyway).
ok. I'll try to be less depressing with my next entry.
Monday, May 21, 2007
Saturday, May 19, 2007
books and movies
just FYI, "The Bitch in The House" is my new bible.
;)
no, ...but it is really amazing how many women are out there that I can identify with on some level. besides, the book is pretty damn funny and perfect for the train-ride.
another book I am excited to get to:
Gilgamesh (latest translation)
movies I have seen during the past week (YES, the past week...that's more movies than I have seen in the past 6 months). It's that we have a houseguest, ...and I love having houseguests. Makes one's work-related inertia disappear. The fact that our houseguest is a crazy movie buff like I am (will go to the theater at any time and any amount of times during the day;) is really making this whole "what are we gonna do tonight"-question much easier to answer.
so, ...what did we see? nothing I'm proud to mention, really. ... "Spiderman III" (which I actually enjoyed more than I expected), "The Reaping" (scarier than I thought. ...I am not big on horror-movies...), and last but not least "Georgia Rules" (a flick, I went into - highly anxious about landing in another "ya-yah-sisterhood"-like movie .... thank God, it was nothing like that,...in fact, it was pretty good. well, the acting was good...the plot...I am still deciding.)
;)
no, ...but it is really amazing how many women are out there that I can identify with on some level. besides, the book is pretty damn funny and perfect for the train-ride.
another book I am excited to get to:
Gilgamesh (latest translation)
movies I have seen during the past week (YES, the past week...that's more movies than I have seen in the past 6 months). It's that we have a houseguest, ...and I love having houseguests. Makes one's work-related inertia disappear. The fact that our houseguest is a crazy movie buff like I am (will go to the theater at any time and any amount of times during the day;) is really making this whole "what are we gonna do tonight"-question much easier to answer.
so, ...what did we see? nothing I'm proud to mention, really. ... "Spiderman III" (which I actually enjoyed more than I expected), "The Reaping" (scarier than I thought. ...I am not big on horror-movies...), and last but not least "Georgia Rules" (a flick, I went into - highly anxious about landing in another "ya-yah-sisterhood"-like movie .... thank God, it was nothing like that,...in fact, it was pretty good. well, the acting was good...the plot...I am still deciding.)
The Hawaii after-school program
this is a mini entry....just to remember something I don't want to forget.
we signed MLee up at an after-school program at the YMCA, which we (and everyone else) always refers to just as "the Y".
How was it at the Y today?
Do they do homework with you at the Y?
etc.
anyway, MLee seems to have misunderstood and now constantly refers to the Y as "Hawaii".
and she won't let me correct her. ;)
- Mom, am I going to Hawaii today after school?
-You really won't be going to Hawaii honey, but you'll be going to THE Y! It's called "the Y".
- NO, it is called Hawaii. TRUST ME!
she's driving me nuts with this latest line, btw. "trust me!" ... where does she get that from??
PS: you know, I've been trying to make this blog a little more anonymous by changing the names lately...but what the hell is the point of doing that if I keep on tagging my entries with the old (full) tags. ;) ....so, in case you haven't figured it out, yet, MLee stands for Maia.
we signed MLee up at an after-school program at the YMCA, which we (and everyone else) always refers to just as "the Y".
How was it at the Y today?
Do they do homework with you at the Y?
etc.
anyway, MLee seems to have misunderstood and now constantly refers to the Y as "Hawaii".
and she won't let me correct her. ;)
- Mom, am I going to Hawaii today after school?
-You really won't be going to Hawaii honey, but you'll be going to THE Y! It's called "the Y".
- NO, it is called Hawaii. TRUST ME!
she's driving me nuts with this latest line, btw. "trust me!" ... where does she get that from??
PS: you know, I've been trying to make this blog a little more anonymous by changing the names lately...but what the hell is the point of doing that if I keep on tagging my entries with the old (full) tags. ;) ....so, in case you haven't figured it out, yet, MLee stands for Maia.
how will this go on?
I've decided I need to get back to my roots with this blog.
It's become way too serious and way too depressive. And OMG, the drama (btw. I am not pregnant...HALLELUJA, Thank you GOD!)
anyway, what do I mean with roots?
I mean light-hearted daily anekdotes and completely irrelevant thought processes.
today. let's do a "MLee sez" (MLee is my 5-year old and I used to write down a lot of all the funny stuff she said).
ML: Mami, ...can God hear everything we say?
me: yes.
ML: even in the car?
me: yes.
ML: why?
me: uhm.....be-cauuuse... God is everywhere.
ML: everywhere? even inside my body?
me: yeah, somehow. it's kind of hard to describe. God is everywhere because he made everything. He made you and me, and the plants, the planets, the universe ... or at least, he initiated other processes to make these things happen. anyway, main thing to remember is that God loves you... he loves everyone and everything he created...
ML: even Jupiter?
me: ehm...yes..in a way, I suppose. ......and....all he asks of us is to try to be good people. and that's not always going to be easy. sometimes doing the right thing is really hard. but all he asks is that we try... as hard as we can.
ML: are you thinking what I'm thinking?
me: what are you thinking?
ML: I am thinking that I will try to be a really good person.
me: great idea. :)
ML: God is invisible, right?
me: yes. but you can feel God.
ML: I can see God, you know.
me: oh, really?
ML: yes, he is sitting right next to me.
me: (thinking: so God is a 'he', hm?) what does he look like?
ML: he is wearing a red shirt, white pants, a green hat, and silver shoes.
me: hmm..... sounds like God is lacking a sense of style. (worrying whether this counts as blasphemy I add): I sure hope God has a sense of humor. .... well, I guess, he must have...considering how ironic and funny life can be sometimes.
......
ML: you know, I figured out where God lives.
me: really?
ML: yes, he lives in a big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, (burp), big, big mountain. and there is a door in it.
me: aha. so what does he do there all day?
ML: I don't know what he does but that's where he lives.
-------------
ahh, it feels good to pass on some good thoughts, attitudes, and beliefs about life and God on to your offspring. reality, self-questioning, and God doubts will come soon enough ..and then they'll need some foundation to work with. I just think, ....it's good to believe in God. Combine it with a healthy sense of science, rationality, and doubt and you've got something to work with.
I am not a big fan of religion or any kinds of groupings for that matter but I feel that some sort of faith, spirituality, or belief in something more and higher than our lives is essential.
(does it sound like my last sentence is missing something? could be. I am just drawing a total blank right now. and it's actually early... still I am sleep-deprived.... well, hope to be back with more trivial entries soon. after all, if I were to write about what is really going on in my life at the moment, I'd probably have some sort of nervous-breakdown. somehow, I don't feel like I should be writing about these so deeply personal things on a blog anymore. no matter how anonymous I try to make this thing.)
It's become way too serious and way too depressive. And OMG, the drama (btw. I am not pregnant...HALLELUJA, Thank you GOD!)
anyway, what do I mean with roots?
I mean light-hearted daily anekdotes and completely irrelevant thought processes.
today. let's do a "MLee sez" (MLee is my 5-year old and I used to write down a lot of all the funny stuff she said).
ML: Mami, ...can God hear everything we say?
me: yes.
ML: even in the car?
me: yes.
ML: why?
me: uhm.....be-cauuuse... God is everywhere.
ML: everywhere? even inside my body?
me: yeah, somehow. it's kind of hard to describe. God is everywhere because he made everything. He made you and me, and the plants, the planets, the universe ... or at least, he initiated other processes to make these things happen. anyway, main thing to remember is that God loves you... he loves everyone and everything he created...
ML: even Jupiter?
me: ehm...yes..in a way, I suppose. ......and....all he asks of us is to try to be good people. and that's not always going to be easy. sometimes doing the right thing is really hard. but all he asks is that we try... as hard as we can.
ML: are you thinking what I'm thinking?
me: what are you thinking?
ML: I am thinking that I will try to be a really good person.
me: great idea. :)
ML: God is invisible, right?
me: yes. but you can feel God.
ML: I can see God, you know.
me: oh, really?
ML: yes, he is sitting right next to me.
me: (thinking: so God is a 'he', hm?) what does he look like?
ML: he is wearing a red shirt, white pants, a green hat, and silver shoes.
me: hmm..... sounds like God is lacking a sense of style. (worrying whether this counts as blasphemy I add): I sure hope God has a sense of humor. .... well, I guess, he must have...considering how ironic and funny life can be sometimes.
......
ML: you know, I figured out where God lives.
me: really?
ML: yes, he lives in a big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, (burp), big, big mountain. and there is a door in it.
me: aha. so what does he do there all day?
ML: I don't know what he does but that's where he lives.
-------------
ahh, it feels good to pass on some good thoughts, attitudes, and beliefs about life and God on to your offspring. reality, self-questioning, and God doubts will come soon enough ..and then they'll need some foundation to work with. I just think, ....it's good to believe in God. Combine it with a healthy sense of science, rationality, and doubt and you've got something to work with.
I am not a big fan of religion or any kinds of groupings for that matter but I feel that some sort of faith, spirituality, or belief in something more and higher than our lives is essential.
(does it sound like my last sentence is missing something? could be. I am just drawing a total blank right now. and it's actually early... still I am sleep-deprived.... well, hope to be back with more trivial entries soon. after all, if I were to write about what is really going on in my life at the moment, I'd probably have some sort of nervous-breakdown. somehow, I don't feel like I should be writing about these so deeply personal things on a blog anymore. no matter how anonymous I try to make this thing.)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
