I'm still torn.
Tomorrow I will have another interview. This time with the top boss of the company who offered me that job in Austria.
In addition, the program director of the graduate school of my choice would like to speak with me in person before I withdraw my application.
This, of course, isn't helping my already tormented mind ...or should I say heart.
I think about this decision all day and time is running out. Soon I have to call it. Within days. Half the time I have a positive outlook on a move back home, and half the time I think about all the personal opportunities I might be or will be losing out on. I feel like I haven't completed yet, what I've come here for. I came here to study photography. Granted, I did complete my B.A., I still feel I am not finished.
Then again,....living here I am becoming more stupid by the minute. And mostly because I can. Nobody cares if I know the latest on world politics, nobody cares if I know the geographic location of the Falkland Islands, for example. The world here revolves around ourselves, it seems. Look at the local news, speak to your average Joe on the street. And you don't have to even get that general.
It is a very different environment. Nobody cares if you can spell properly ... probably because most of the people can't spell themselves. I remember how - in the beginning - I spent an eternity on every e-mail I wrote (my dictionary always and everywhere at arm's reach). Today, I hardly even proof-read to catch at least the worst mistakes. Nobody seems to care. I don't care....and I can't believe it sometimes. I can't believe what has become of me ....in general. I've let myself go big time. Maybe it's just that I am getting older and I realize that there's no need for all the bullshit ...but then again...this can lead to lower and lower standards until there are no more taboos, no more boundaries, no more rules. (alright, this is becoming radical. let me move on.)
It's going to be hard to get back into the formalities...but I think it will be good for the kids.
ok. tonight I am sending my last prayer on this topic. I'm not practicing anymore but when I spoke to my father about my dream, he pointed out that in Islam they really don't do the supersticious stuff (I suppose, he meant me thinking I got a sign). They believe that if you really have a big (life-changing) decision to make you are supposed to put as much thought into it as possible and then say two prayers to ask God to help you make the right decision and then let it be. Usually, he says, you are supposed to then sleep on it and should then feel a true inner lightness about the right decision.
I told him that I doubt this will work on me, since my mind always starts messing with my instincts or inner convictions.
My mind and my heart are always at war it seems.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Monday, January 23, 2006
A sign from God?
appendix to the last blog entry (so, read the previous post before this):
another thing to consider when/if moving back to Austria is my photography. The question is, how dependent is what I shoot on the fact that I live in NYC?
To me the rough edges of this city is what's appealing. All the irregularities, all the different worlds at odds or in harmony, the grime, the dirt, the ruggedness of the city, the shine, the splendor, and last but not least, the cornucopia of interesting faces to photograph.
What the hell am I going to photograph in freaggin' Vorarlberg? Everything is clean, in order, everyone looks pretty much the same, ...it's "perfect". I'm gonna have to do landscapes...ugh.
Dario says I'm overexaggerating. He validly pointed out that Austria is bordering on 9 countries, that we'll be travelling, and that we don't have to stay in rural Vorarlberg but could move to Vienna, where I - by the way - also got a job-offering (since yesterday). Why are these offers coming in only now? About a month too late?
But really, I don't want to go to Vienna, for then the girls will then just be again another kind of city kids. And if I had to pick, I'd rather have them be NYC kids. Better schools....believe it or not.
I asked God for a sign. And since I don't take in signs very well (too rational) I asked for it to be a strong very clear sign... one slap-me-over-the-head kinda sign.
So I had a dream. It was very short and weird. I dreamed that the tree in front of our building was on fire. Slowly burning.
Then my girlfriend Nadine called me to ask about my decision. I told her about me asking God for a sign (to show me in my dreams) and the strange completely inconclusive dream I then had and she immediately compared it to the burning bush story in the Bible. We had to google it, though, since she couldn't remember if God (speaking from the burning bush) told Moses to go on his journey or to stay put.
Turns out God told Moses to have faith and to lead his people into Egypt (or..wherever...already forgot where to...was it to Egypt or to Israel? anyway, the point is that he told him not to be afraid and to go on this journey.)
Since I don't want to make my final decision based on a dream I would love if God could be a little more clear with his opinion (like an e-mail, or something) ...but that's not going to happen...and I better watch out with my tone here before it turns blasphemic and then I'll have no guidance at all.
So, I'm almost there....and I do have faith...but ya' know...I'm a skeptic.
another thing to consider when/if moving back to Austria is my photography. The question is, how dependent is what I shoot on the fact that I live in NYC?
To me the rough edges of this city is what's appealing. All the irregularities, all the different worlds at odds or in harmony, the grime, the dirt, the ruggedness of the city, the shine, the splendor, and last but not least, the cornucopia of interesting faces to photograph.
What the hell am I going to photograph in freaggin' Vorarlberg? Everything is clean, in order, everyone looks pretty much the same, ...it's "perfect". I'm gonna have to do landscapes...ugh.
Dario says I'm overexaggerating. He validly pointed out that Austria is bordering on 9 countries, that we'll be travelling, and that we don't have to stay in rural Vorarlberg but could move to Vienna, where I - by the way - also got a job-offering (since yesterday). Why are these offers coming in only now? About a month too late?
But really, I don't want to go to Vienna, for then the girls will then just be again another kind of city kids. And if I had to pick, I'd rather have them be NYC kids. Better schools....believe it or not.
I asked God for a sign. And since I don't take in signs very well (too rational) I asked for it to be a strong very clear sign... one slap-me-over-the-head kinda sign.
So I had a dream. It was very short and weird. I dreamed that the tree in front of our building was on fire. Slowly burning.
Then my girlfriend Nadine called me to ask about my decision. I told her about me asking God for a sign (to show me in my dreams) and the strange completely inconclusive dream I then had and she immediately compared it to the burning bush story in the Bible. We had to google it, though, since she couldn't remember if God (speaking from the burning bush) told Moses to go on his journey or to stay put.
Turns out God told Moses to have faith and to lead his people into Egypt (or..wherever...already forgot where to...was it to Egypt or to Israel? anyway, the point is that he told him not to be afraid and to go on this journey.)
Since I don't want to make my final decision based on a dream I would love if God could be a little more clear with his opinion (like an e-mail, or something) ...but that's not going to happen...and I better watch out with my tone here before it turns blasphemic and then I'll have no guidance at all.
So, I'm almost there....and I do have faith...but ya' know...I'm a skeptic.
Saturday, January 21, 2006
life-changing decisions are a pain in the a**
so, I'm almost done with this huge project of putting together my graduate application packages (most time-consuming: the portfolio). anyway, ... a few days ago I got an unexpected call-back for a job I applied to in Austria about a month ago. The woman who does the hiring had had a death in the family and so everything had been put on hold for a while. She invited me for an interview, which we did via skype and after an hour-long conversation I was told that I got the job if I want it.
It's a challenging position at a strong webservices company with lots of opportunities. Apparently they had had a lot of applicants...so I am now really in an uncomfortable situation.
By the beginning of the next week I have to decide if we will give up our entire existence here and all move to Austria (within months) or not (which will probably mean never, since Maia is soon to enter school). I have to make a decision to let go of a path I had just -after long consideration- decided on (Graduate School and ultimately a professional life full of art and photography).
It is so hard to make this call.
My friends here say that I shouldn't go back just because of the kids. We would surly be able to provide a secure and positive environment for them here just as well as anywhere else. Some argue that I shouldn't give up my own dreams and that putting my own happiness first will as a result make me a better mother. Others remind me of another potential problem: Is Dario really going to enjoy the house-husband role in Vorarlberg (small, traditional & pretty rural part of Austria)?
I don't know what to do.
One thing I thought of today is this: I've always wondered, how it would be to go back home....and that I should be moving back...especially for the kids...etc. So,.... I could go try it out for a year (ignoring how much work that would be) and if I'm miserable then at least I can finally say I've tried and the thought will stop haunting me.
But what if I get settled there...and I can bear it (I've got pretty strong endurance..no matter how bad the circumstances)...will I then wonder for the rest of my life what if I had not come back home and instead gone to Graduate School to pursue my real dream?
My children are supposed to always come first now .... that's a mother's job ...but sometimes it is really hard to make the call. Which path will be ultimately better for them?
My friend Vern says that kids adapt and that I should stop worrying. They'll be fine either way. Personally he wouldn't want to raise his kids anywhere else but New York City. Let's see what his wife has to say to that (she's German and isn't planning to stay here forever). ;)
But it's true, New York is not like the rest of America. It's very special.
I love New York.
It's a challenging position at a strong webservices company with lots of opportunities. Apparently they had had a lot of applicants...so I am now really in an uncomfortable situation.
By the beginning of the next week I have to decide if we will give up our entire existence here and all move to Austria (within months) or not (which will probably mean never, since Maia is soon to enter school). I have to make a decision to let go of a path I had just -after long consideration- decided on (Graduate School and ultimately a professional life full of art and photography).
It is so hard to make this call.
My friends here say that I shouldn't go back just because of the kids. We would surly be able to provide a secure and positive environment for them here just as well as anywhere else. Some argue that I shouldn't give up my own dreams and that putting my own happiness first will as a result make me a better mother. Others remind me of another potential problem: Is Dario really going to enjoy the house-husband role in Vorarlberg (small, traditional & pretty rural part of Austria)?
I don't know what to do.
One thing I thought of today is this: I've always wondered, how it would be to go back home....and that I should be moving back...especially for the kids...etc. So,.... I could go try it out for a year (ignoring how much work that would be) and if I'm miserable then at least I can finally say I've tried and the thought will stop haunting me.
But what if I get settled there...and I can bear it (I've got pretty strong endurance..no matter how bad the circumstances)...will I then wonder for the rest of my life what if I had not come back home and instead gone to Graduate School to pursue my real dream?
My children are supposed to always come first now .... that's a mother's job ...but sometimes it is really hard to make the call. Which path will be ultimately better for them?
My friend Vern says that kids adapt and that I should stop worrying. They'll be fine either way. Personally he wouldn't want to raise his kids anywhere else but New York City. Let's see what his wife has to say to that (she's German and isn't planning to stay here forever). ;)
But it's true, New York is not like the rest of America. It's very special.
I love New York.
Saturday, January 14, 2006
husbands SUCK. they just suck.
I can't believe this.
I just spent the whole evening taking care of three kids. Entertaining them, cooking for them, cleaning up after them, etc. - all while I should have been doing work for an urgent deadline (grad. school application due tomorrow).
A good friend of mine is staying over the weekend (with her kids) and I don't mind the work ...but what upsets me is Dario's complete and utter non-involvement.
When my friend's husband dropped off the kids, Dario didn't budge to go downstairs and help carrying the stuff (carseats, bags, kids, etc.). Instead, he sent me. This is where I draw the line with equality. This is the husband's job. But not in my house. I guess, I'm the one with the pants on. Always have to take charge. It's pissing me off.
Anyway, ... so then he suddenly got really tired and announced he's going to sleep (around 8.30pm). I suppose, he forgot the fact that I was the one who got up with the girls when they both woke up at 4.30am last night. I suppose, when he got up shortly before seven to make it to an exam for a class he'd been taking last semester, he assumed that I continued to sleep while my children dressed and changed themselves, fed themselves breakfast, and such.
My theory is that tonight he just wanted to get out of the work that he anticipated having 4 kids in the house. Lazy bastard. (can you tell I'm fuming?)
Anyway, so ..of course, with so many kids running around his sleep was interrupted a few times, which he actually dared to complain about.
"Excuse me," I said after another one of his complaints, "I have not sat down for hours. No actually, I just did sit down for 2 minutes (and I'm not kidding) to gobble down a sandwich but the rest of the evening I've spent tending children."
In the moments he did get up, he surfed the net, watched TV (behind closed doors, so I wouldn't notice..I suppose)..and here and there he would move a dish from point A to point B to work out his little guilt.
I feel like crying.
How am I going to make it through Graduate School with a support system like this?
I am living with a fucking child. A man is what I need. A MAN, dammit. (and no, that doesn't mean I want to be with other people. It means I want him to grow the fuck up).
He can't tell me he doesn't see how I suffer.
My back is killing me, I am tired, I have a shit-load of work to do, he knows all of this, for I have mentioned it more than once.....and still, he chooses to ignore this. What does this mean? Does this mean he doesn't care or that he is simply being an average guy...trying to avoid another rant of his wife.
I feel like crying. I do.
I'm in a fucked up situation.
Can't live with him ...can't live without him.
aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrggggggggg.
ok. now I have to do work.
Prepare 30 images for my portfolio. It's past midnight. :(
At least I put my foot down about walking the dog. Although, apparently he's mad about that enforced chore now, for he has just closed the door on me without a word of "good-night" or anything.
HOW DARE HE BE MAD AT ME???!!! I am the one who has all rights to be angry tonight. How can he possibly justify his sulk? (is that a word? ..I don't know and I'm too busy to look it up. In fact, I shouldn't even be writing at all...but I had to get this off my chest first.)
I just spent the whole evening taking care of three kids. Entertaining them, cooking for them, cleaning up after them, etc. - all while I should have been doing work for an urgent deadline (grad. school application due tomorrow).
A good friend of mine is staying over the weekend (with her kids) and I don't mind the work ...but what upsets me is Dario's complete and utter non-involvement.
When my friend's husband dropped off the kids, Dario didn't budge to go downstairs and help carrying the stuff (carseats, bags, kids, etc.). Instead, he sent me. This is where I draw the line with equality. This is the husband's job. But not in my house. I guess, I'm the one with the pants on. Always have to take charge. It's pissing me off.
Anyway, ... so then he suddenly got really tired and announced he's going to sleep (around 8.30pm). I suppose, he forgot the fact that I was the one who got up with the girls when they both woke up at 4.30am last night. I suppose, when he got up shortly before seven to make it to an exam for a class he'd been taking last semester, he assumed that I continued to sleep while my children dressed and changed themselves, fed themselves breakfast, and such.
My theory is that tonight he just wanted to get out of the work that he anticipated having 4 kids in the house. Lazy bastard. (can you tell I'm fuming?)
Anyway, so ..of course, with so many kids running around his sleep was interrupted a few times, which he actually dared to complain about.
"Excuse me," I said after another one of his complaints, "I have not sat down for hours. No actually, I just did sit down for 2 minutes (and I'm not kidding) to gobble down a sandwich but the rest of the evening I've spent tending children."
In the moments he did get up, he surfed the net, watched TV (behind closed doors, so I wouldn't notice..I suppose)..and here and there he would move a dish from point A to point B to work out his little guilt.
I feel like crying.
How am I going to make it through Graduate School with a support system like this?
I am living with a fucking child. A man is what I need. A MAN, dammit. (and no, that doesn't mean I want to be with other people. It means I want him to grow the fuck up).
He can't tell me he doesn't see how I suffer.
My back is killing me, I am tired, I have a shit-load of work to do, he knows all of this, for I have mentioned it more than once.....and still, he chooses to ignore this. What does this mean? Does this mean he doesn't care or that he is simply being an average guy...trying to avoid another rant of his wife.
I feel like crying. I do.
I'm in a fucked up situation.
Can't live with him ...can't live without him.
aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrggggggggg.
ok. now I have to do work.
Prepare 30 images for my portfolio. It's past midnight. :(
At least I put my foot down about walking the dog. Although, apparently he's mad about that enforced chore now, for he has just closed the door on me without a word of "good-night" or anything.
HOW DARE HE BE MAD AT ME???!!! I am the one who has all rights to be angry tonight. How can he possibly justify his sulk? (is that a word? ..I don't know and I'm too busy to look it up. In fact, I shouldn't even be writing at all...but I had to get this off my chest first.)
Friday, January 13, 2006
I've been exposed (again)
How many blogs are out there? Millions?
My measely little blog has like 3 visitors a week... but somehow, with my luck, one of these visitors works at Dario's job, recognized me and then started telling my husband how much I bitch about him and how I want to be with other people.
Well, thank you very much.
;)
(someone didn't get me. ... I've been w/ D for 10 years... I don't think I could be without him....obviously, whoever recognized me was a man...not a woman.)
Really, I shouldn't be posting my picture on the blog and then be upset when someone recognizes me...but COME ON....millions of blogs....millions of readers....3 pick my crap to look at...and one of them works with my husband. What are the odds???
So, I was about to discontinue my blog again ...and maybe I will...but for now, I'll let it be and think about it. I mean, I want to be anonymous (somewhat) but I put my picture(s) up,...I don't want anyone I know to read my stuff (with one or two exceptions - closest friends in Austria)....but I publish on the World Wide Web. Why don't I just write at home? On my computer. ... I guess, if I think somebody is reading it (even if I don't know who), I don't write as much boring shit I used to write in my regular journals. I can't even re-read those myself...I bore myself to death.
When I write on my blog, I at least write as if someone will be reading this (i.e. I don't ramble about nothing and all the little boring details....except for now maybe).
anyway... I'm thinking about it.
In the end, this is a record for me.
and whoever it is that is telling Dario stuff from this blog: shut up! (and I mean this in the nicest way possible. Show some discretion, please.) Men really are bigger gossip aunts than women. It's terrible.
I told D he could read my blog, but really...why would he want to? It reads like a really long rant about my husband's short-comings. Why would he want to expose himself to that? Writing is therapeutic for me ...this is my vent.... so really, it is not for him to read. He shall have my positive input. He gets enough regular face-to-face bitching, ...no need to get written reinforcement of my opinions.
My measely little blog has like 3 visitors a week... but somehow, with my luck, one of these visitors works at Dario's job, recognized me and then started telling my husband how much I bitch about him and how I want to be with other people.
Well, thank you very much.
;)
(someone didn't get me. ... I've been w/ D for 10 years... I don't think I could be without him....obviously, whoever recognized me was a man...not a woman.)
Really, I shouldn't be posting my picture on the blog and then be upset when someone recognizes me...but COME ON....millions of blogs....millions of readers....3 pick my crap to look at...and one of them works with my husband. What are the odds???
So, I was about to discontinue my blog again ...and maybe I will...but for now, I'll let it be and think about it. I mean, I want to be anonymous (somewhat) but I put my picture(s) up,...I don't want anyone I know to read my stuff (with one or two exceptions - closest friends in Austria)....but I publish on the World Wide Web. Why don't I just write at home? On my computer. ... I guess, if I think somebody is reading it (even if I don't know who), I don't write as much boring shit I used to write in my regular journals. I can't even re-read those myself...I bore myself to death.
When I write on my blog, I at least write as if someone will be reading this (i.e. I don't ramble about nothing and all the little boring details....except for now maybe).
anyway... I'm thinking about it.
In the end, this is a record for me.
and whoever it is that is telling Dario stuff from this blog: shut up! (and I mean this in the nicest way possible. Show some discretion, please.) Men really are bigger gossip aunts than women. It's terrible.
I told D he could read my blog, but really...why would he want to? It reads like a really long rant about my husband's short-comings. Why would he want to expose himself to that? Writing is therapeutic for me ...this is my vent.... so really, it is not for him to read. He shall have my positive input. He gets enough regular face-to-face bitching, ...no need to get written reinforcement of my opinions.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
where am I?
In case you're wondering why I haven't posted in a while, I've been busy-busy preparing for Graduate School. Everytime I do want to write it is to bitch about D, and I feel like that's an old story (but it will be coming back, nevertheless).
:) until then,
take care & carpe diem!
s.
:) until then,
take care & carpe diem!
s.
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