the battle of the heart & mind

I'm still torn.
Tomorrow I will have another interview. This time with the top boss of the company who offered me that job in Austria.
In addition, the program director of the graduate school of my choice would like to speak with me in person before I withdraw my application.
This, of course, isn't helping my already tormented mind ...or should I say heart.

I think about this decision all day and time is running out. Soon I have to call it. Within days. Half the time I have a positive outlook on a move back home, and half the time I think about all the personal opportunities I might be or will be losing out on. I feel like I haven't completed yet, what I've come here for. I came here to study photography. Granted, I did complete my B.A., I still feel I am not finished.

Then again,....living here I am becoming more stupid by the minute. And mostly because I can. Nobody cares if I know the latest on world politics, nobody cares if I know the geographic location of the Falkland Islands, for example. The world here revolves around ourselves, it seems. Look at the local news, speak to your average Joe on the street. And you don't have to even get that general.
It is a very different environment. Nobody cares if you can spell properly ... probably because most of the people can't spell themselves. I remember how - in the beginning - I spent an eternity on every e-mail I wrote (my dictionary always and everywhere at arm's reach). Today, I hardly even proof-read to catch at least the worst mistakes. Nobody seems to care. I don't care....and I can't believe it sometimes. I can't believe what has become of me ....in general. I've let myself go big time. Maybe it's just that I am getting older and I realize that there's no need for all the bullshit ...but then again...this can lead to lower and lower standards until there are no more taboos, no more boundaries, no more rules. (alright, this is becoming radical. let me move on.)

It's going to be hard to get back into the formalities...but I think it will be good for the kids.

ok. tonight I am sending my last prayer on this topic. I'm not practicing anymore but when I spoke to my father about my dream, he pointed out that in Islam they really don't do the supersticious stuff (I suppose, he meant me thinking I got a sign). They believe that if you really have a big (life-changing) decision to make you are supposed to put as much thought into it as possible and then say two prayers to ask God to help you make the right decision and then let it be. Usually, he says, you are supposed to then sleep on it and should then feel a true inner lightness about the right decision.
I told him that I doubt this will work on me, since my mind always starts messing with my instincts or inner convictions.

My mind and my heart are always at war it seems.