today's anekdotes:
- Maia is way too aware of what's in style and what's acceptable - for a 4 year old, I mean - I cut her bangs this morning .. with a not too successful outcome. When she looked into the mirror, she started crying.
Me: what are you crying about? it's not that bad.
Maia (sobbing): I look like a handsome prince. I don't want to look like a handsome prince!
Me (trying not to laugh): understandable. ...but you really look cute!
Maia: I don't want to look cute.
Me: sorry, I mean - pretty.
to which she moved to the kitchen to ask Dario's opinion of her new haircut.
Me (calling over): Dario! Tell her something positive about her bangs!
Dario: uhm...it'll grow back.
Me: thanks. really not helping here...
********
This afternoon at work, I found myself in a situation in which I had to finally take Dario's old and always rejected advice from past similar moments of finding myself without dental floss. (..oh my God, that sentence was bad...)
I was so desperate that I asked almost everyone in my department. Finally I left the office with a sigh: What is wrong with you people. Isn't anyone here concerned about their dental health?
The real reason for my need for dental floss (after every bite of food) is the fact that I have a crown, which is positioned with a too big gap from the tooth next to it. It drives me nuts, when there's anything stuck there. It's not visible but I can feel it.
Anyway, after looking for some old people in the building (without success. damn online jobs. all these healthy teethed youngsters. nobody with crowns.) I finally resorted to taking an old advice Dario has been trying to convince me of: using some strands of my hair.
Bad idea. - I got rid of the worst bother but instead I now had hair stuck inbetween my teeth, which - I tell you - is at least as annoying as a food particles.
Friday, September 29, 2006
Friday, September 22, 2006
I made it!! ...the 4am hike!
I can't believe I did it. But I got up at 3:15 a.m. in the morning (after barely 3 hours of sleep) to join a bunch of crazy (and I mean this in an endearing way) Vorarlbergians ...Vorarlbergian programmers to be exact... to go on a hike up the Kanis Fluh (a mountain nearby) to catch the sunrise. ... And all that before going to work! Needless to say, I was a bit exhausted later in the office. Kinda like I broke night...
Anyway, ..back to the hike.
Good thing somebody thought of flash-lights, cause I sure as hell didn't. While it was an amazingly starry night, which one could admire much better with the lights off, without them we would have probably sunken into the mud of some "Muren" (mud-avalanches) or worse, fallen off the side of the mostly non-existent path.
I hit the floor a couple of times (some of the falls were of real cartoonish, slip-on-a-banana kinda quality) and at the end I really thought I was going to collapse (I've become seriously athletically challenged, lately) but I made it and it really really was worth the freezing, the exhaustion throughout the rest of the day & the sore muscles I woke up with (I can barely walk)! ;)
The rest of the story I'll let the pictures tell. :)
Looking at them almost lets me forget how terrible this day (today) at work has been...too many loud fights with people....I have never had to talk with people in this way.. and at work, to top it all off!!...this really isn't me... (I am leaving the office now, btw...it's almost 10p.m.)
anyway..here the pics, before I forget that there are nice things out there, too!
I didn't take this picture. I actually can't remember
if I actually made it for the first sunrays. I was still
kinda dizzy from the last (very steep) part of the hike
...up to the cross... but I think I did make it, for I took
the picture of the cross and the silhouttes before..and
there were no first rays, yet...
Frisi heading further out for a bathroom break ;)
Miann's muddy shoes and a view of the
Lake of Constance in the distance
I had to run to catch this picture! And then my
camera's batteries died. OF COURSE!!
that's me...trying not to look down.
my legs were still shaking from the steep hike and
the lack of sleep.
Anyway, ..back to the hike.
Good thing somebody thought of flash-lights, cause I sure as hell didn't. While it was an amazingly starry night, which one could admire much better with the lights off, without them we would have probably sunken into the mud of some "Muren" (mud-avalanches) or worse, fallen off the side of the mostly non-existent path.
I hit the floor a couple of times (some of the falls were of real cartoonish, slip-on-a-banana kinda quality) and at the end I really thought I was going to collapse (I've become seriously athletically challenged, lately) but I made it and it really really was worth the freezing, the exhaustion throughout the rest of the day & the sore muscles I woke up with (I can barely walk)! ;)
The rest of the story I'll let the pictures tell. :)
Looking at them almost lets me forget how terrible this day (today) at work has been...too many loud fights with people....I have never had to talk with people in this way.. and at work, to top it all off!!...this really isn't me... (I am leaving the office now, btw...it's almost 10p.m.)
anyway..here the pics, before I forget that there are nice things out there, too!
I didn't take this picture. I actually can't remember
if I actually made it for the first sunrays. I was still
kinda dizzy from the last (very steep) part of the hike
...up to the cross... but I think I did make it, for I took
the picture of the cross and the silhouttes before..and
there were no first rays, yet...
Frisi heading further out for a bathroom break ;)
Miann's muddy shoes and a view of the
Lake of Constance in the distance
I had to run to catch this picture! And then my
camera's batteries died. OF COURSE!!
that's me...trying not to look down.
my legs were still shaking from the steep hike and
the lack of sleep.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
a day in the life of...me
today I had a day from hell...workload-wise.
nevertheless, into my lunchbreak I squeezed in a deep-cleaning of the bathroom and some quality time with Nayla. When I came home at 7 o'clock in the evening, I went straight to preparing dinner for the kids, and pulling them through bed-time routine (brushing teeth, pjs, reading, and keeping them in bed). Then I staightened out the living room, the hall-way, and finally, the bathroom again.
I am pretty tired....and until an hour ago I was also pretty pissed at D for letting me do all this sh*t.
Maybe I'll go to sleep early and join some of my colleagues (actually, they are from a different firm but I manage a project they develop for our company) for a sunrise hike.
They meet at their office at 4 a.m., then drive up to the Kanis Fluh (some mountain in the Bregenzer Wald), hike up to see the sunrise and then return to the office (around 10am) to get to work.
This sounds like a really cool thing to do. I just hope I can get my a** up at 3:15 in the morning....and that for hiking...which really I am not a fan of. I do like sunrises, nature, and those people, though, so I'll make that my motivation. :)
PS: Dario just came in with a bag of fresh popcorn and chocolate for me (because I have my period). Gave me a kiss and went back to his computer. Now, ...do you get my point? So sweet, but oh so sad. Is it really that men just have no clue? Does he really see nothing of my struggle? Does he really think he can make everything ok with those little gestures? They are gestures of love and I appreciate them very much but ... he's so deep in the hole they get him only a few points. ....
that popcorn is goood, though ;)
PPS: Austin Powers rocks! ;) (yes, I know, this is completely unrelated information...but not to me...I just watched the music video "Ray of Light"...Madonna rocks, too, of course;)
nevertheless, into my lunchbreak I squeezed in a deep-cleaning of the bathroom and some quality time with Nayla. When I came home at 7 o'clock in the evening, I went straight to preparing dinner for the kids, and pulling them through bed-time routine (brushing teeth, pjs, reading, and keeping them in bed). Then I staightened out the living room, the hall-way, and finally, the bathroom again.
I am pretty tired....and until an hour ago I was also pretty pissed at D for letting me do all this sh*t.
Maybe I'll go to sleep early and join some of my colleagues (actually, they are from a different firm but I manage a project they develop for our company) for a sunrise hike.
They meet at their office at 4 a.m., then drive up to the Kanis Fluh (some mountain in the Bregenzer Wald), hike up to see the sunrise and then return to the office (around 10am) to get to work.
This sounds like a really cool thing to do. I just hope I can get my a** up at 3:15 in the morning....and that for hiking...which really I am not a fan of. I do like sunrises, nature, and those people, though, so I'll make that my motivation. :)
PS: Dario just came in with a bag of fresh popcorn and chocolate for me (because I have my period). Gave me a kiss and went back to his computer. Now, ...do you get my point? So sweet, but oh so sad. Is it really that men just have no clue? Does he really see nothing of my struggle? Does he really think he can make everything ok with those little gestures? They are gestures of love and I appreciate them very much but ... he's so deep in the hole they get him only a few points. ....
that popcorn is goood, though ;)
PPS: Austin Powers rocks! ;) (yes, I know, this is completely unrelated information...but not to me...I just watched the music video "Ray of Light"...Madonna rocks, too, of course;)
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
relationship blues
I am very wary of my relationship at the moment...
I love Dario, I do ....but I am so tired of his ways. Certain ways that leave me stuck with either more work, his work, or generally a mess. He is unreliable, can't focus (his ADD is adding an extra notch of stress), and just doesn't care. This is how he keeps his cool, which is ok, and I am happy for him. Unfortunately, he is messing with my cool and I just can't take it anymore.
I am super-edgy lately. Total bitch, if I may say. Especially, considering the fact that he is mostly very nice to me. Nice but unreliable. Nice, but inconsiderate. Nice, but blind to my stress at work (or unable to react to it properly).
I feel like I've been let down on a promise. A promise I was stupid enough to believe. I mean, I have been with the man for 11 years. I should know better.
He promised, he'll take care of everything. He'll master the household, take care of things so I don't have to worry. I told him that my job will be much more demanding and I believed him when he promised support and hard work on his part because I wanted to believe him. I wanted it to be true so badly that I ignored my reason and memory.
I love him and I always want him to be in my life but I am not sure I want to be in this relationship anymore. :(
Why can't I just beam myself to the future? Skip all the break-up drama, resentment and (understandably) resulting hurtfulness from his part and just be good friends, who care about each other and the well-being of their children.
Maybe I just need some space and maybe we just need some time apart sometimes. We have been spending way too much time together lately. Quality time is vital for every relationship but enough is enough. It's always about dosage, as they say... And I've been having wayy to big of a dosis of Dario. ;)
I need him in a different way. Intimately and as my family...but he's been substituting as my hang-out partner lately and that just won't work for me on a long-term basis. We have never had the same sense of humor (in fact, I can't stand his "funny" - always sexually suggestive - comments) and we certainly don't enjoy the same conversational topics.
sigh.
let's see where this is going.
no good phase can last forever, right;)
so, I guess, here goes the bad phase.....again.
hopefully we'll make it....again.
I love Dario, I do ....but I am so tired of his ways. Certain ways that leave me stuck with either more work, his work, or generally a mess. He is unreliable, can't focus (his ADD is adding an extra notch of stress), and just doesn't care. This is how he keeps his cool, which is ok, and I am happy for him. Unfortunately, he is messing with my cool and I just can't take it anymore.
I am super-edgy lately. Total bitch, if I may say. Especially, considering the fact that he is mostly very nice to me. Nice but unreliable. Nice, but inconsiderate. Nice, but blind to my stress at work (or unable to react to it properly).
I feel like I've been let down on a promise. A promise I was stupid enough to believe. I mean, I have been with the man for 11 years. I should know better.
He promised, he'll take care of everything. He'll master the household, take care of things so I don't have to worry. I told him that my job will be much more demanding and I believed him when he promised support and hard work on his part because I wanted to believe him. I wanted it to be true so badly that I ignored my reason and memory.
I love him and I always want him to be in my life but I am not sure I want to be in this relationship anymore. :(
Why can't I just beam myself to the future? Skip all the break-up drama, resentment and (understandably) resulting hurtfulness from his part and just be good friends, who care about each other and the well-being of their children.
Maybe I just need some space and maybe we just need some time apart sometimes. We have been spending way too much time together lately. Quality time is vital for every relationship but enough is enough. It's always about dosage, as they say... And I've been having wayy to big of a dosis of Dario. ;)
I need him in a different way. Intimately and as my family...but he's been substituting as my hang-out partner lately and that just won't work for me on a long-term basis. We have never had the same sense of humor (in fact, I can't stand his "funny" - always sexually suggestive - comments) and we certainly don't enjoy the same conversational topics.
sigh.
let's see where this is going.
no good phase can last forever, right;)
so, I guess, here goes the bad phase.....again.
hopefully we'll make it....again.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
focus on the positive
it's true what rosa says...and what I try to tell myself all the time (without successful absorbtion, it seems) : one has to focus on the here and now...and one has to focus on the negative.
.... (oh my Goodness, Freudian slip...I mean POSITIVE! ;)
Anyway, I really need to adjust my thinking. I don't want to regret whole phases of my life. I want to look back and say this was good, or this was tough, but I made the best out of it and let's see what I learned from it.
I don't want to be in this constant state of complaint.
I listened to this podcast (one of the many I subscribe to: NPR - Most E-mailed Stories), and there was a story about a 15-year old girl in some African mountain village, who was trying to make it through school, orphaned, with two little sisters to take care of, no electricity, most of her extended family wiped out by AIDS, and the village men preying on her and her sisters every night,..trying to get into the house.
I mean - honestly - what the f*ck am I complaining about?????
I should be grateful every minute of the day. Even this very minute that I am laying in bed with cramps out of this world. I should focus on the positive and say...well you might have debilitating cramps but
a) you have painkillers
b) you can take off from work
c) you have work you can take off from
d) you are not an orphan (ok. that really doesn't relate here, but I am grateful for this fact) and
e) you ARE having cramps (which means I am having my period, which means I am not pregnant with yet another child).
I am grateful.
and, yet, I am slightly depressed at the moment.
I guess, it really is the hormonal crap (i.e. period-related).
You know, and I realized...that study I recently heard about seems to be true: women are attracted to more manly men 2 weeks before their period and then to more nurturing looking guys (more feminine traits?) just a few days before they come down with their days.
I have to double-check. But I made a point to observe and control the study this month...and I just (today) caught myself checking out some skinny, bearded, intellectual, all-blackandwrinkly-wearing-clothes guy. ;)
I am signing off with a picture I took the other day (at the lake of Constance).
.... (oh my Goodness, Freudian slip...I mean POSITIVE! ;)
Anyway, I really need to adjust my thinking. I don't want to regret whole phases of my life. I want to look back and say this was good, or this was tough, but I made the best out of it and let's see what I learned from it.
I don't want to be in this constant state of complaint.
I listened to this podcast (one of the many I subscribe to: NPR - Most E-mailed Stories), and there was a story about a 15-year old girl in some African mountain village, who was trying to make it through school, orphaned, with two little sisters to take care of, no electricity, most of her extended family wiped out by AIDS, and the village men preying on her and her sisters every night,..trying to get into the house.
I mean - honestly - what the f*ck am I complaining about?????
I should be grateful every minute of the day. Even this very minute that I am laying in bed with cramps out of this world. I should focus on the positive and say...well you might have debilitating cramps but
a) you have painkillers
b) you can take off from work
c) you have work you can take off from
d) you are not an orphan (ok. that really doesn't relate here, but I am grateful for this fact) and
e) you ARE having cramps (which means I am having my period, which means I am not pregnant with yet another child).
I am grateful.
and, yet, I am slightly depressed at the moment.
I guess, it really is the hormonal crap (i.e. period-related).
You know, and I realized...that study I recently heard about seems to be true: women are attracted to more manly men 2 weeks before their period and then to more nurturing looking guys (more feminine traits?) just a few days before they come down with their days.
I have to double-check. But I made a point to observe and control the study this month...and I just (today) caught myself checking out some skinny, bearded, intellectual, all-blackandwrinkly-wearing-clothes guy. ;)
I am signing off with a picture I took the other day (at the lake of Constance).
Saturday, September 16, 2006
true home?
I am in such a sentimenal mood lately.
Life is so much easier here and so much better for the kids. We go to the free family fairs every other weekend, Maia goes to kindergarten (daycare) which costs like 25 bucks a semester, school will cost nothing and will provide the kids with a solid education, starting next week Maia will attend a swim-course (10 min from here), every Wednesday she can be part of the kiddie ballet in the town hall, and in the winter she will learn how to ski. And all this for a reasonable or super-cheap (compared to NY) price. Best price comparison are the parking tickets. I mean, you can already park almost anywhere here (sidewalk, side of the street, wherever, but if you do it wrong one time you'll get a 10$ ticket. Now, for those of you who are not familiar with NYC parking fines: If you don't put enough money in your meter (which mostly gives you only an hour) you will be fined $110, unless it's gone up since April. ;)
I am reading the messages of the online parenting group I am part of (in NY) and I can emphasize with the pre-school panic parents are put into by all the crap they have to deal with to make sure their little ones get a good educational start. I mean, ERB tests, pre-school portfolios, interviews with the child...it's absurd! And I am sure I would be part of the craze, if I would be there right now with Maia getting into kindergarden age.
Here they send you a letter that she is enrolled (automatically) in the kindergarten nearest you. The teachers are sweet, the kids are kids, they do lots of activities and hike a lot and that's the end of the story. No stress.
I have also just found an opportunity to ride someone's horse a few times a week. It'll cost me $75/month. I have always wanted that...next to wanting a horse myself, of course.
But regardless of all that, I miss New York. As much as I hate the traffic, the attitude, and the unbelievably unfair costs of this city (which make it impossible for the average or poor joe to enjoy the goodies) - I still love it because I feel it is my home. I grew up (mostly) in Vorarlberg but I feel like New York is where I belong.Also, I miss my friends like crazy. :(
I have very good friends here. Some are my best friends since childhood and I love them but my friends in NY were closer (in proximity), so I actually saw them every day and that made them like family to me. Rosa and I lead an almost symbiotic life. We shared dinner duties, drove each other's kids around, sat together for 1am movies and drinks to wind down from the day. This I just don't have here. All I have is a job that sucks every usable minute of the day out of me and an occasional meeting with one of my friends (- meetings I enjoy very much but are way too seldomly arrangable).
Maybe I just need to get used to my new home...
I realized today, that Dario has been the one who has passive-aggressively moved me into almost every direction my life has and has not taken into the past 10 years (kids, where we live, how we live, Austria, ...). If I think back, it was even he who suggested the college I went to. Again, a college I like very much - especially for its people - but had I had good advice (being a new immigrant) I probably would have attended a different school. God knows, in the States it's all about the name of the school you went to but I didn't know back then.I would have probably not moved to the Bronx (and spent so many years in a neighborhood that made me lose trust in people) and I would have probably met more people like Rosa is telling me about.
She always tells me that I have seen too much bad in the city and that not all people are like that. Her 2 older kids - 17-year-old twin boys - have grown up in the city and they are really great, normal kids. She never feared leaving them at school.
It doesn't matter. I miss and love all of it. I miss my ghetto friends as much as I miss my Ivy Leaguers. It has always been who I am. Always between the chairs, as they say in German...and maybe this is just my fate.I can draw that line through my entire life. Never truly belonging.But I am afraid to get into that. That will be part of a different self-analysis. One that might break me, even.
Life is so much easier here and so much better for the kids. We go to the free family fairs every other weekend, Maia goes to kindergarten (daycare) which costs like 25 bucks a semester, school will cost nothing and will provide the kids with a solid education, starting next week Maia will attend a swim-course (10 min from here), every Wednesday she can be part of the kiddie ballet in the town hall, and in the winter she will learn how to ski. And all this for a reasonable or super-cheap (compared to NY) price. Best price comparison are the parking tickets. I mean, you can already park almost anywhere here (sidewalk, side of the street, wherever, but if you do it wrong one time you'll get a 10$ ticket. Now, for those of you who are not familiar with NYC parking fines: If you don't put enough money in your meter (which mostly gives you only an hour) you will be fined $110, unless it's gone up since April. ;)
I am reading the messages of the online parenting group I am part of (in NY) and I can emphasize with the pre-school panic parents are put into by all the crap they have to deal with to make sure their little ones get a good educational start. I mean, ERB tests, pre-school portfolios, interviews with the child...it's absurd! And I am sure I would be part of the craze, if I would be there right now with Maia getting into kindergarden age.
Here they send you a letter that she is enrolled (automatically) in the kindergarten nearest you. The teachers are sweet, the kids are kids, they do lots of activities and hike a lot and that's the end of the story. No stress.
I have also just found an opportunity to ride someone's horse a few times a week. It'll cost me $75/month. I have always wanted that...next to wanting a horse myself, of course.
But regardless of all that, I miss New York. As much as I hate the traffic, the attitude, and the unbelievably unfair costs of this city (which make it impossible for the average or poor joe to enjoy the goodies) - I still love it because I feel it is my home. I grew up (mostly) in Vorarlberg but I feel like New York is where I belong.Also, I miss my friends like crazy. :(
I have very good friends here. Some are my best friends since childhood and I love them but my friends in NY were closer (in proximity), so I actually saw them every day and that made them like family to me. Rosa and I lead an almost symbiotic life. We shared dinner duties, drove each other's kids around, sat together for 1am movies and drinks to wind down from the day. This I just don't have here. All I have is a job that sucks every usable minute of the day out of me and an occasional meeting with one of my friends (- meetings I enjoy very much but are way too seldomly arrangable).
Maybe I just need to get used to my new home...
I realized today, that Dario has been the one who has passive-aggressively moved me into almost every direction my life has and has not taken into the past 10 years (kids, where we live, how we live, Austria, ...). If I think back, it was even he who suggested the college I went to. Again, a college I like very much - especially for its people - but had I had good advice (being a new immigrant) I probably would have attended a different school. God knows, in the States it's all about the name of the school you went to but I didn't know back then.I would have probably not moved to the Bronx (and spent so many years in a neighborhood that made me lose trust in people) and I would have probably met more people like Rosa is telling me about.
She always tells me that I have seen too much bad in the city and that not all people are like that. Her 2 older kids - 17-year-old twin boys - have grown up in the city and they are really great, normal kids. She never feared leaving them at school.
It doesn't matter. I miss and love all of it. I miss my ghetto friends as much as I miss my Ivy Leaguers. It has always been who I am. Always between the chairs, as they say in German...and maybe this is just my fate.I can draw that line through my entire life. Never truly belonging.But I am afraid to get into that. That will be part of a different self-analysis. One that might break me, even.
Monday, September 11, 2006
9/11: remembering Michael
**********
Michael was my dear friend Michelle's elder brother. I am an immigrant myself and Michelle was my first real friend in New York City. I have always admired the close relationship between the Baksh siblings and I always hope that my hubbie and I will be able to accomplish what Mr. and Mrs. Baksh have accomplished with their four children. I have never seen such intense family ties. I met Michael and his wife and kids at several occasions and to me they seemed like the kind of relationship one should strive for. Their love and respect for each other was evident even to a stranger. And their kids, Ava and James, are just the sweetest things.They will carry their father's traits into the future and Michael will live on through them. When my grandfather died my father consoled my tears with an encouragement... He told me that as long as we remember he will live on.Michael has made a deep impression on so many people who will always remember that; he has lived life to the fullest, he has studied, he has had music, he has loved, he has had children, he has had God in his life, he was happy. I am taking an example. He's a role-model.I think about him and his family often and I always pray that their pain will cease and that only the good will remain. I am convinced Michael is with them, for there is more to life than just our physical world. Love lives on.Christina, Ava, Michelle, Asha, Mona, Kas, Mr. & Mrs. Baksh -- All my love to you and may God give you strength -- every day. Michael is with you --every day. And this is for James, too...he's too little to read now...but who knows, maybe he will get to this collection of memories and thoughts one day.
sisi 2001
**********
Michael lost his life in the North Tower of the WTC on his very first day of work.
Thinking of Michael today, this 5th anniversary of this terrible terrible day.
I wish that one day only love and fond memories will replace the pain I know still haunts my very dear friend's heart.
I love you, Michelle. Be strong today!
Michael was my dear friend Michelle's elder brother. I am an immigrant myself and Michelle was my first real friend in New York City. I have always admired the close relationship between the Baksh siblings and I always hope that my hubbie and I will be able to accomplish what Mr. and Mrs. Baksh have accomplished with their four children. I have never seen such intense family ties. I met Michael and his wife and kids at several occasions and to me they seemed like the kind of relationship one should strive for. Their love and respect for each other was evident even to a stranger. And their kids, Ava and James, are just the sweetest things.They will carry their father's traits into the future and Michael will live on through them. When my grandfather died my father consoled my tears with an encouragement... He told me that as long as we remember he will live on.Michael has made a deep impression on so many people who will always remember that; he has lived life to the fullest, he has studied, he has had music, he has loved, he has had children, he has had God in his life, he was happy. I am taking an example. He's a role-model.I think about him and his family often and I always pray that their pain will cease and that only the good will remain. I am convinced Michael is with them, for there is more to life than just our physical world. Love lives on.Christina, Ava, Michelle, Asha, Mona, Kas, Mr. & Mrs. Baksh -- All my love to you and may God give you strength -- every day. Michael is with you --every day. And this is for James, too...he's too little to read now...but who knows, maybe he will get to this collection of memories and thoughts one day.
sisi 2001
**********
Michael lost his life in the North Tower of the WTC on his very first day of work.
Thinking of Michael today, this 5th anniversary of this terrible terrible day.
I wish that one day only love and fond memories will replace the pain I know still haunts my very dear friend's heart.
I love you, Michelle. Be strong today!
Sunday, September 10, 2006
why can't we be happy
ok, so I am aware of why I am not particularly content at the moment (see bad luck streak described in earlier posts - bad job, lost apartment, non-paying tenants, etc.) but I must say, I have realized that I have spent most of my life complaining of where I am at the moment.
I have also observed similar behavior in my friends, so I would say it's a human habit. Why can we never be happy? (if anybody leaves me a comment now about how happy and dandy they are with their lives, I'm gonna have a fit.) Nah, but seriously.... I mean, I am grateful for my life and my family and all the things I have but the moments of true happiness are very short-lived. Most often they include my children (when they are not whining and screaming for no good reason ;) or when I am in nature.
Maybe I can't think straight at the moment (in a work-haze), and that's why I feel like there is no light.
My job, you won't believe it, has gotten worse. Now my boss is critizing my work, which makes it really official now: EVERYBODY hates the project manager.
I have never ever woken up in the morning and didn't want to go to work. I have never felt uncomfortable or unhappy going to work. Understimulated, maybe ...but never unhappy...(yes, I am aware of the fact that I just told you that I am never happy. geez...do you have to take everything so literal? ;)
Anyway, so I have never been depressed about going to work and I certainly never ever have cried because of the pressure of my job. Granted, I have a lot to carry right now (lone breadwinner, etc.) and I am possibly PMSing...but today was the second time I had to retreat into the bathroom to cry because I couldn't take it anymore.
I am such a whiner I am annoying myself.
Lemme go.
I'll be back when I have better stuff to blog.
I have also observed similar behavior in my friends, so I would say it's a human habit. Why can we never be happy? (if anybody leaves me a comment now about how happy and dandy they are with their lives, I'm gonna have a fit.) Nah, but seriously.... I mean, I am grateful for my life and my family and all the things I have but the moments of true happiness are very short-lived. Most often they include my children (when they are not whining and screaming for no good reason ;) or when I am in nature.
Maybe I can't think straight at the moment (in a work-haze), and that's why I feel like there is no light.
My job, you won't believe it, has gotten worse. Now my boss is critizing my work, which makes it really official now: EVERYBODY hates the project manager.
I have never ever woken up in the morning and didn't want to go to work. I have never felt uncomfortable or unhappy going to work. Understimulated, maybe ...but never unhappy...(yes, I am aware of the fact that I just told you that I am never happy. geez...do you have to take everything so literal? ;)
Anyway, so I have never been depressed about going to work and I certainly never ever have cried because of the pressure of my job. Granted, I have a lot to carry right now (lone breadwinner, etc.) and I am possibly PMSing...but today was the second time I had to retreat into the bathroom to cry because I couldn't take it anymore.
I am such a whiner I am annoying myself.
Lemme go.
I'll be back when I have better stuff to blog.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
unstable New Yorkers?
Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "D humors me":
You find that New Yorkers are unstable? I thought you loved New York and thus New Yorkers?
--------------------------------------
I knew I was gonna hear it for that one. First of all, you can't throw everyone in one pot and there are about 8 million people in NYC - so: NO, of course, I don't think New Yorkers are unstable. If you know my blog then you will also know that some of my very best and dearest friends are New Yorkers, so ...
However, in a city and in a country as big as NY or the US there is a whole bunch of unstable people, and I have met quite a few of them having lived in NYC for 10 years. And if you are a New Yorker then you should know what I am talking about.
Now, of course, there are unstable people everywhere, but I come from a small country (Austria) and grew up in an even smaller state within it (Vorarlberg) and I have never met anyone unstable. They just are who they are, ....which doesn't mean they are all great. But, and I have said this before, asses are gonna be asses pretty much from the start. They are not going to be sweet and nice and always helpful and then suddenly turn psycho on you.
For example, betrayals or break-ups (or the concept of "back-stabbing") by one's friends was completely foreign to me until I've moved to the States. I am reading Queen Bees & Wannabees by Rosalind Wiseman at the moment and what she describes as simple reality of American girls' adolescence is strange and scary to me at the same time. Apparently it is only natural for teenage girls (and their friends) to betray each other or play with trust.
Wiseman writes: Many girls will make it through their teen years precisely because they have the support and care of a few good friends. These are the friendships where a girl truly feels uncoditionally accepted and understood - and they can last into adulthood and support her search for adult relationships. On the other hand, girls can be each other's worst enemies. Girls' friendships in adolescence are often intense, confusing, frustrating, and humiliating, the joy and security of "best friends" shattered by devastating breakups and betrayals.
I wonder, what kind of guidance I would be to my girls if we'd decided to move back, which might not be all that impossible - given the latest developments (not all blogged, yet). I would be completely useless, for I have NO IDEA how to handle the apparently very normal conditions of US middle- and highschool social life. The best friends I have made during my schoolyears are still my best friends. The people we didn't click with in middle- or highschool we just didn't click with (were still polite and friendly with) but this was about the end of it. There was no ostracizing, no bad-mouthing, no intrigue, and certainly no jokes about one's choice of clothes (geez, I think I would have been burnt at the stake, had I gone to school in the US.... thinking about all the fashion-mistakes I've commited. That's what you get from being raised by your father only. No woman to stop you when you're walking out the door looking like you've randomly picked your wardrobe out of a Good-will clothes collectionbox.)
However, the realities presented to me in the above mentioned book kind of make me understand why I was so traumatized by my broken frienship(s) in New York. I was just not familiar with the concept of friends breaking up or sabotaging each other and it completely threw me off.
People always have told me I have too much trust in others. But, I must say, I am beginning to lose that trust... I have become so disillusioned and numb lately. It's kinda funny actually. I've been having much more drama during my adulthood so far than I have had my entire childhood or adolesence. Maybe it's just the universe's way to create a balance. ;)
I asked my friend Heidi, with whom I grew up, if she thinks that maybe it was just the way we were? Or if, maybe, it could be me? Maybe I am blind to the sneakyness of others. Maybe my naïveté protected me and made me who I am. I truly believe all people are good to begin with and that it is always in their heart somewhere, regardless of all the bad they might do or have done in their lives. I really really try to never be judgmental toward the individual in front of me (and the bitching doesn't mean anything). I will always forgive someone who apologizes and I always try to understand.
...how the heck did I end up here? ...at this mind-numbing self-analysis deadend? Self-analyis is for...well oneself...everyone else will probably be bored out of their mind, so I'll be signing off now. ;)
so long.
oh, wait...I never wrote down my friend's answer to my question. I mean, what's the point of starting off with "I asked my friend Heidi..." if I then don't mention her response somewhere.
So here it is: She said that her younger sister (10 years younger, I think) never liked going to school at first, because she was constantly teased by her classmates and because her teachers weren't nice (and she went to the same school Heidi and I started out with). When they moved to a different town, the girl had a very different experience and began enjoying her school life again. When they finally got her into a Montessori school it seemed the perfect fit. She just graduated successfully from Highschool, by the way.
You find that New Yorkers are unstable? I thought you loved New York and thus New Yorkers?
--------------------------------------
I knew I was gonna hear it for that one. First of all, you can't throw everyone in one pot and there are about 8 million people in NYC - so: NO, of course, I don't think New Yorkers are unstable. If you know my blog then you will also know that some of my very best and dearest friends are New Yorkers, so ...
However, in a city and in a country as big as NY or the US there is a whole bunch of unstable people, and I have met quite a few of them having lived in NYC for 10 years. And if you are a New Yorker then you should know what I am talking about.
Now, of course, there are unstable people everywhere, but I come from a small country (Austria) and grew up in an even smaller state within it (Vorarlberg) and I have never met anyone unstable. They just are who they are, ....which doesn't mean they are all great. But, and I have said this before, asses are gonna be asses pretty much from the start. They are not going to be sweet and nice and always helpful and then suddenly turn psycho on you.
For example, betrayals or break-ups (or the concept of "back-stabbing") by one's friends was completely foreign to me until I've moved to the States. I am reading Queen Bees & Wannabees by Rosalind Wiseman at the moment and what she describes as simple reality of American girls' adolescence is strange and scary to me at the same time. Apparently it is only natural for teenage girls (and their friends) to betray each other or play with trust.
Wiseman writes: Many girls will make it through their teen years precisely because they have the support and care of a few good friends. These are the friendships where a girl truly feels uncoditionally accepted and understood - and they can last into adulthood and support her search for adult relationships. On the other hand, girls can be each other's worst enemies. Girls' friendships in adolescence are often intense, confusing, frustrating, and humiliating, the joy and security of "best friends" shattered by devastating breakups and betrayals.
I wonder, what kind of guidance I would be to my girls if we'd decided to move back, which might not be all that impossible - given the latest developments (not all blogged, yet). I would be completely useless, for I have NO IDEA how to handle the apparently very normal conditions of US middle- and highschool social life. The best friends I have made during my schoolyears are still my best friends. The people we didn't click with in middle- or highschool we just didn't click with (were still polite and friendly with) but this was about the end of it. There was no ostracizing, no bad-mouthing, no intrigue, and certainly no jokes about one's choice of clothes (geez, I think I would have been burnt at the stake, had I gone to school in the US.... thinking about all the fashion-mistakes I've commited. That's what you get from being raised by your father only. No woman to stop you when you're walking out the door looking like you've randomly picked your wardrobe out of a Good-will clothes collectionbox.)
However, the realities presented to me in the above mentioned book kind of make me understand why I was so traumatized by my broken frienship(s) in New York. I was just not familiar with the concept of friends breaking up or sabotaging each other and it completely threw me off.
People always have told me I have too much trust in others. But, I must say, I am beginning to lose that trust... I have become so disillusioned and numb lately. It's kinda funny actually. I've been having much more drama during my adulthood so far than I have had my entire childhood or adolesence. Maybe it's just the universe's way to create a balance. ;)
I asked my friend Heidi, with whom I grew up, if she thinks that maybe it was just the way we were? Or if, maybe, it could be me? Maybe I am blind to the sneakyness of others. Maybe my naïveté protected me and made me who I am. I truly believe all people are good to begin with and that it is always in their heart somewhere, regardless of all the bad they might do or have done in their lives. I really really try to never be judgmental toward the individual in front of me (and the bitching doesn't mean anything). I will always forgive someone who apologizes and I always try to understand.
...how the heck did I end up here? ...at this mind-numbing self-analysis deadend? Self-analyis is for...well oneself...everyone else will probably be bored out of their mind, so I'll be signing off now. ;)
so long.
oh, wait...I never wrote down my friend's answer to my question. I mean, what's the point of starting off with "I asked my friend Heidi..." if I then don't mention her response somewhere.
So here it is: She said that her younger sister (10 years younger, I think) never liked going to school at first, because she was constantly teased by her classmates and because her teachers weren't nice (and she went to the same school Heidi and I started out with). When they moved to a different town, the girl had a very different experience and began enjoying her school life again. When they finally got her into a Montessori school it seemed the perfect fit. She just graduated successfully from Highschool, by the way.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
D humors me
The past two days it's been gorgeous outside.
You know, I said to Dario, it really is beautiful here when it's sunny. Why can't it always be like that? Why does the weather here have to be so damn unstable? I don't think I can take that. We're gonna have to move back to NY.
D's repartee:
Well, what do you prefer? Unstable weather or unstable people?
---------------------
And here one more tidbit from the kids' front (most of which I am missing lately...working all the time.) ...so this is what D tells me:
Maia is walking by with a cookie.
Nayla (now 2.5 yrs.) turns to her and screams at the top of her lungs: MAIAA! Share with your sister!!
I am so tired, I can't even decide anymore if this is only funny to me, or could be amusing to the rest of the world, as well. sigh. Guess, it's just gonna have to make it into this entry, since I don't have the mental strength to write anything more today.
I don't get to play anymore. :<
You know, I said to Dario, it really is beautiful here when it's sunny. Why can't it always be like that? Why does the weather here have to be so damn unstable? I don't think I can take that. We're gonna have to move back to NY.
D's repartee:
Well, what do you prefer? Unstable weather or unstable people?
---------------------
And here one more tidbit from the kids' front (most of which I am missing lately...working all the time.) ...so this is what D tells me:
Maia is walking by with a cookie.
Nayla (now 2.5 yrs.) turns to her and screams at the top of her lungs: MAIAA! Share with your sister!!
I am so tired, I can't even decide anymore if this is only funny to me, or could be amusing to the rest of the world, as well. sigh. Guess, it's just gonna have to make it into this entry, since I don't have the mental strength to write anything more today.
I don't get to play anymore. :<
Saturday, September 02, 2006
what kind of mother am I?!
the kids - as much I looove them - are driving me pretty crazy lately. maybe it's the fact that I am totally overworked, ....or maybe it's that D acts like one of them sometimes, fighting for my attention in exactly the same manner: loud, repetitve questions ending in "Ma, Ma, Ma'aaa!"
I just wonder, whether it really is a genetic thing with my inability to assume my role as a mother as naturally as some other women can (my mother left us 3 kids when I was 11 years old to follow her calling - and I don't blame her for it, although I don't think I could ever live without my children - yes, I realize, one day I will have to cope with this, for they will grow up...but you know what I mean).
I mean, I love my kids, would die for them and all that natural stuff (no joke) but I find myself challenged with the daily stuff. Yes, I do it well but not because it comes to me this way but because I read myself to death on the topic of kids up to this age. I also ask parents whose kids I admire, and I always, always observe and remember.
However, it seems like I've been approaching this whole child-upbringing thing from a rather professional angle. I take it like a job, which I am trying to do well but might not necessarily be too fulfilled with.
Of course, fact is that probably no parent really knows what the hell they're doing (not all of them aware of this) but I've seen some women that are incredibly deep into their role as a mother, while I always wonder where I would be now if I hadn't given in to Dario's wish to have kids so early. I realize, of course, that 26 isn't all that early but I hadn't planned for kids (if at all) until I was at least in my mid-thirties. I wanted to make sure I was somewhat content with all I had done. Now I am always wondering if I have lost something of myself in the last 10 years with Dario.
I love Dario. I do. And I wouldn't want to be without him, even if I weren't with him.
I love my children. I really really do. And I thank God for their health and presence every day. I do.
But sometimes I wonder - guiltily - where I am.
I am trying to live without regrets, remember. It's that thing on my list of 43 things I want to do. The list I would have written, anyway, if I had found any time for it. But it seems almost impossible to do so. Are there really people out there that can do that?? I think, it is in our nature to remember and to philosophize and thus, as a consequence, there must be regret somewhere... even, if that doesn't necessarily mean I would like to have someone else's life. I don't. I just wonder, how different my life would be if I had taken different paths...or better: if I had stayed on certain paths (music, theatre, film,...applied to Harvard...).
Oh well, by now I would definitely be too dumb to go to an Ivy League College, anyway. Being too old and too poor probably doesn't look good on an application either. ;)
O.K. now I think it's enough with the self-pity for the day. I can barely take it myself anymore.
I am just listening to an Alanis Morissette song on pandora.com - "Isn't it Ironic" Acoustic Version - and she just sang one of the lines differently. ...saw you and your beautiful husband or something like this. ..anyway..isn't that supposed to say "wife"? Is Alanis gay? I didn't even know. Anyway, I used to be addicted to that album. Mygoodness, Dario's ADD is rubbing off, I think.
oh well, let me call it a night. nothing more good can come of such rambling.
I just wonder, whether it really is a genetic thing with my inability to assume my role as a mother as naturally as some other women can (my mother left us 3 kids when I was 11 years old to follow her calling - and I don't blame her for it, although I don't think I could ever live without my children - yes, I realize, one day I will have to cope with this, for they will grow up...but you know what I mean).
I mean, I love my kids, would die for them and all that natural stuff (no joke) but I find myself challenged with the daily stuff. Yes, I do it well but not because it comes to me this way but because I read myself to death on the topic of kids up to this age. I also ask parents whose kids I admire, and I always, always observe and remember.
However, it seems like I've been approaching this whole child-upbringing thing from a rather professional angle. I take it like a job, which I am trying to do well but might not necessarily be too fulfilled with.
Of course, fact is that probably no parent really knows what the hell they're doing (not all of them aware of this) but I've seen some women that are incredibly deep into their role as a mother, while I always wonder where I would be now if I hadn't given in to Dario's wish to have kids so early. I realize, of course, that 26 isn't all that early but I hadn't planned for kids (if at all) until I was at least in my mid-thirties. I wanted to make sure I was somewhat content with all I had done. Now I am always wondering if I have lost something of myself in the last 10 years with Dario.
I love Dario. I do. And I wouldn't want to be without him, even if I weren't with him.
I love my children. I really really do. And I thank God for their health and presence every day. I do.
But sometimes I wonder - guiltily - where I am.
I am trying to live without regrets, remember. It's that thing on my list of 43 things I want to do. The list I would have written, anyway, if I had found any time for it. But it seems almost impossible to do so. Are there really people out there that can do that?? I think, it is in our nature to remember and to philosophize and thus, as a consequence, there must be regret somewhere... even, if that doesn't necessarily mean I would like to have someone else's life. I don't. I just wonder, how different my life would be if I had taken different paths...or better: if I had stayed on certain paths (music, theatre, film,...applied to Harvard...).
Oh well, by now I would definitely be too dumb to go to an Ivy League College, anyway. Being too old and too poor probably doesn't look good on an application either. ;)
O.K. now I think it's enough with the self-pity for the day. I can barely take it myself anymore.
I am just listening to an Alanis Morissette song on pandora.com - "Isn't it Ironic" Acoustic Version - and she just sang one of the lines differently. ...saw you and your beautiful husband or something like this. ..anyway..isn't that supposed to say "wife"? Is Alanis gay? I didn't even know. Anyway, I used to be addicted to that album. Mygoodness, Dario's ADD is rubbing off, I think.
oh well, let me call it a night. nothing more good can come of such rambling.
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