life (..hey I had this title a few posts ago!)

i've been gone for a little while. busy. and then my dear girlfriends were visiting from NY. We went to Italy. I've got a lot to write. but now it is 2:35 in the morning, so I am just going to post this chat I had this evening with one of my best friends. Since it did take me away from blogging. ;)
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Vernon: sisi you there?
yay!!!
me: u always start talking and then that's it ur gone again is this a new game
Vernon: you gotta be quickgame? I wish
El presidente! remember.
plus, you know, work is crazy.
me: i know i've heard
Vernon: plus, you know, evi just finished her first trimester-- I'm sure you can relate.
how's your life? i don't see nearly enough photo updates!
me: busy like crazy
Vernon: i'm hoping that means you have a supremely happy family-life, so busy making fun that you have no time for pursuing... well, i guess that answers that.crazy busy with what?
me: work. managing household & kids stuff (lot of admin. crap, too), trying to find new place and mostly new job haven't watched tv in months...movies: very rarely
books sit untouched on my nighttable as I hit the pillow exhaustedly every night, the house still could need a woman's touch
or a very tidy man's
Vernon: what about work prospects?
sometimes I work 16-18 hour days and then watch a 2 hour movie to unwind especially when I'm insomniac
me: wow ...u really have gone workaholicrazy
Vernon: sometimes all this work keeps the brain churning and escaping into a movie is the best way to turn it off.
me: i am dying for some new moviematerial
Vernon: i saw veronica mars on DVD and thought of you --- Tower is going out of business at the end of the month and they have a hug sell going on now.
me: REALLY?VM?how come?I looove her
huge sale...like how mcuh?and for what?
Vernon: 20-40%, it gets cheaper every week because they have to be out by month's end.
Vernon: I'm taking German at downtown Tuesdays and Thursdays so I stop by on my way home after getting off the crosstown bus. EVERYTHING MUST GO!
me: wow.
Vernon: oh, I read a blog of someone else who loves veronica mars --- http://www.blogography.com/ he acts like a bit of a selfish ass, but he can be funny, plus he writes an entry every single day
me: how do u know i like VM btw?
Vernon: i feel the same way about VM as I did when I used to watch it with you..girlpower--- yuck
me: oh right --LOL
Vernon: when i see her i talk about more important stuff-- like office gossip.
me: so why are u watching it on dvd then?
Vernon: i didn't get it, i just thought of you when I saw it on the shelves.
me: ooh ...ok...misunderstood ...
one sec...mom calling again
me: uff...she called to remind me that I was supposed to come join her at the long night of games this evening
that it is almost midnight now doesn't seem to bother her
she just got to the "spielothek" = gamelibrary
Vernon: she's got you home now
me: i am kinda comfortable on my couch right now...but this gamenight is happening in our village...so I should probably take advantage of the convenience of the action for a change
she's got you home now - what u mean?
Vernon: taking advantage of it
me: u mean in austria?
Vernon: yup
me: right. my dad came to visit twice this week. that's new
should i go play games? I was going to do some reflection tonight....
Vernon: if you feel like it, obviously she called so somebody wants you there...
me: meanwhile I have been chatting most of the eve ;)
Vernon: reflecting on what?
me: what I REALLY want
what would REALLY be best to do next
to stay or to go
now is when I have to decide.
Vernon: good grief, you do too much of that in large chunks.
i do a little bit every day, keeps the edge off.
me: lol i do, too....but fact is..I have to make a life-changing decision soon and that is just a big freakin chunk by nature
Vernon: what's the decision?
me: to stay or to go back because if I decide to stay...we are staying...that's it
Vernon: indeed.
me: I mean .... it has to be something really grave then for us to go back
Vernon: if I
me: I don't want to yank the kids out of their lives like that
Vernon: so nobody else has any say?
me: i wish D would have more to say...
Vernon: you guys living in a matriarchy?
me: more feedback
Vernon: indeed.
me: he'd be fine anywhere he says
Vernon: we don't even need to go there.then you do live in a matriarchy!
me: well, hellooo....welcome to the my family reality.
Vernon: good thing you didn't crank out any boys then
me: lol yup...maia has a lot to say nowadays, too
she is going to be making the decisions soon
Vernon: i think she will mostly be making the decision about whether you stay or go
the needs of the girls outweight the needs of the Sisi
me: ... i guess...or at least that's what i have to figure out
i have been advised not to do that by several of my girlfriends (mothers) including my own mom. there is no point in location when the mother is depressed or unavailable
Vernon: indeed
me: most important is the home
Vernon: that's how you end up unhappy and you definately pass that onto the kids.
me: no matter where it's location right...
Vernon: unhappy parents make unhappy children who turn into unhappy adults.
me: so....my whole reflection thing has to happen in layers.
Vernon: break the cycle!choose happiness!
me: one: why is it that I am carrying this somewhat constant sadness with me
Vernon: unhappy parents make unhappy children who turn into unhappy adults.that's part of it
me: my father isn't unhappy...neither is my mom...at least they did not convey it to me that way
surprising actually cuz they went through a lot of sht especially in the past few years..
Vernon: when you were a kid?
me: when I was a kid, ..what?
Vernon: i'm not talking about them being happy now, i'm talking about when you were a kid and they were going through crazy shit. those formative years really shape your identity.
me: oh..no...my parents never showed their personal emotions to us they were our parents
Vernon: but i suppose i should listen to the story instead of speculating. maybe you're just a wacko mutant
me: one time my mother even told me that it isn't good for me to hear her personal problems
Vernon: who fell far from the family tree.
me: I think,...in a way that is right...it worries children
Vernon: maybe their genes just didn't mix right--- sort of an inverse-inbreding.
me: what are u suggesting?
if anything, they didn't make me dull enough
i think too damn much
Vernon: yeah, i think repressed parents screw up their kids, in some ways worse than demonstrative bad parents -- because kids can feel it even if it isn't discussed and it gives them confused signals that they internalize into their personalities.
me: should I be happy, should I be sad, why is it that I am sad, mabye it is in my mind,blahblahblahblah
Vernon: i used to be sad all the time, then i learned to stop trying to figure it out and accept it, but i also learned that i have to make choices that make me happy in the short and long term.
me: i never felt damaged by my childhood...it has affected me in who I am, no doubt.....but all in all I recall my childhood to be a very happy one. until the divorce that is
Vernon: took me about 34years to learn that.
me: what choices?
Vernon: short and long run. well, there are things that happen unconciously
i used to insist that I was one of the happiest people I knew---let me tell you, i was in denial. me: one sec...phone
Vernon: i'll just carry on and let you catch up when you get back....
me: k
Vernon: something I've kind of observed about you is that your unhappiness and sadness and discontent follows you around like a cloud, because you carry them around.
Vernon: Seems to me you were plenty unhappy before you had the girls, and after you had the girls; when you lived in New York, when you moved to Austria; i'm trying to think of other psychological spaces you've been in, but you've been gone too long for me to remember them in a pinch.
Vernon: i think you have a hard time being satisfied with the riches you have, because you always seem to think the riches across the fence will be more fulfilling and valuable somehow.
all the while you have a very wealthy and enviable life.
a life that in material terms is probably better than probably between 70-80% of the folks on the planet.
Vernon: decent husband, beautiful kids, head full of valuable skills and a keen appreciation of art and literature, portable job skills, language skills, friend-making skills-- a sharp mind, a pretty figure, good health. i think if I were to rank you on a scale from 1 to 10, I'd say you were an 8.
minus one point because your sense of humor needs some work-- fix that and you'd probably feel much less sad.
minus one point because you take everything to goddamned seriously. leave a little room in your life for uncontrolled chaos-- chaos visits us all, so they're no point panicking about it.omigod, i'm going crazy with the monologue here. I should be doing dishes!
me:---HEY, I have an excellent sense of humor...just not yours. .... I like subtlety (spelling?), and sarcasm.... people sometimes seem to mistake sarcasm for just plain and blunt personal attacks and yes...I do take everything too damn seriously but that also gets all the shit done in this place
Vernon: i reckon. where I come from sarcasm and humor are too different things. i know folks who are sarcastic and funny, i know other folks who are sarcastic and earnest
your sarcasm comes off very earnest
besides, I didn't say you didn't have a sense of humor, i said it needs some work. don't be so defensive!

Vernon: case in point: my dad could have been a much worse father than he was, but as it is he was a pot head, womanizer, deadbeat (for my 2nd through 8th years), he smoked crack, caught AIDS, beat (not spanked, beat) his children regularly, made innumerable ill-adviced, selfish choices. But you know what? My sister and I turned out okay and we love him enough to keep him involved in our regular lives.
Vernon: My point is-- you and your kids can handle whatever life throws at you as a result of the choices you make. You don't have to make all the "right" choices, or all the "best" choices for things to turn out alright. I need to wash some dishes -- apparently I live in a matriachy too. Give me a holler when you've caught up. I'm just in the next room.
me: sorry....still on phone...brb

me: I think how kids come out always involves some sort of luck
Vernon: yeah. you need to lower your standard for happiness. find a way to be satisfied with simple joys instead of waiting for the full enchilada
me: SOMEtimes I even think it depends for the most part on just what kind of character that person has
something genetic mabye
i don't know
would be interesting to study
Vernon: yeah, well, luck plays a small role, fun and effort and happiness and feeling the love are much more important. well nature and nurture both have their roles.
me: and I dare say nature is more powerful....
Vernon: we may inherit predispositions, but nurture can change them.
it's hard to be unhappy if you are showered with love and support your whole life.
me: when u look at all kinds of families...why are there always the normal (good) ones, and then the ones that just can't get their act together?
...showering someone with love (especially a rebellious teenager) is probably a hard thing to do for most people and still....there are plenty of kids who come out of that ok (eg. you-maybe)?Vernon: this will probably be a very difficult thing for you to accomplish, but I think you should put a lot of effort into learning not to worry so much.
me: i am trying
right now i have to otherwise I'd be going nuts no job
Vernon: i think that's what really saved me was knowing that my dad did what he did out of love and caring-- he was selfish, no doubt, but my sister and I knew that he loved and cared.
me: -50 bucks in the bank and we are only half way through the month
Vernon: because it's too easy to be an deadbeat black father in america -- many, many many black fathers are absent.
me: and no apartment (soon anyway)
Vernon: you'll be fine.
me: how did u know? especially since he left for a few years
Vernon: i cannot tell you how many months we lived with less than 50 bucks for an entire month. in winter as preteens.
me: shoot
Vernon: what doesn't kill us makes us stronger-- and with your folks handy, you won't be dying anytime soon.
me: it's winter now....too
Vernon: it won't kill you.
me: lol right
Vernon: wait and see.
me: but u know how frugal I am and how paranoid about debt
always watching what gets spent
I guess, that's because there was no family for me in NY
Vernon: just like kids are good at adapting, so are parents. at least good ones.
me: and I didn't (and still don't) want to borrow big amounts of money (not from my parents)Vernon: then take little ones.that's what family is for.my dad hates taking money from me and sometimes i hate giving it, but...
me: My pride sucks
Vernon: that's what family is for.
pride vs. hungry children....hmmmmm....ask maia how she feels about that?
me: we would need it so badly...but there is NO way I am going to ask
they are not going to starve
Vernon: "Mommy, what's pride?"
it's the feeling in you stomach
me: LOL
..but maybe the light bill might not get paid.....or something like that.
ok. I'm gonna go now
it is 1:40am
Vernon: ok. g'nighty.nice chatting with you, finally!
me: rub your wifey's preggo belly for me
Vernon: indeed.she's getting twice as big everyday.
me: can't wait to see that babyyy
Vernon: indeed.
me: send pics!!!
Vernon: milk chocolate.
me: ttylniteynite
Vernon: smooch
and
we
are
your
family!
damnit.
me: for that You deserve a fat smooch back!
so long m'friend
Vernon: lata
Vernon: hard times make for great stories
usually in retrospect
enjoy the hard times!
me: ya.
thanks
well, ...last year around that time I yearned for change....now, I've got change alright
Vernon: careful what you ask for!usually you get it.
me: i get that feeling