dreaming small for the new year

Last New Year's Eve I spent alone at home, convincing myself that I don't need no-stinkin'-body to have a good time. Well, .. while that may be true for almost every other day or night of the year, on NYE, it's just a pathetic statement which is clearly based on self-delusion. So, this year, I made sure to invite a crazy amount of people to my place to ring in 2017 with the proper amount of rowdiness and noise. I paid for that decision with hours of preparation, a deep reach into my pocket, and even more hours of clean up, but it was worth it.

Anyway .. that's not why I'm here.
I wanted to write down some goals, for one thing I have heard over and over again in the past few years of listening to interviews with successful entrepreneurs and visionaries, it is that one must write down or somehow visualize their goals and dreams.

I am experiencing some problems with this concept. It's not that I don't believe in the effectiveness of this exercise. I do! In fact, on occasion, I have found it work for myself, if I'm clear and directed enough. And this is exactly where my issue lies. It's that I am pretty content where I am right now. Am I too modest with my dreams? None of the things I really need are of material value and I have most of them. Health, a warm and happy home with two lovely children; my apartment isn't fancy, but it's got a pretty view and the sun illuminates everything from morning to evening; I have had true love in my life and now I'm at a point at which I absolutely love being solo (no dating frustrations, no relationship issues ... just real freedom). My kids are in good schools and I don't work for anyone (i.e. no drama there either).
As far as I'm concerned, I'm good. Thank you, God! And thanks for giving me a break. Because 2013 into 2015 were pretty rough.

But, I know, without the willingness to change, nothing will change. That sounds like a pretty dumb statement. ... What I mean is that ... progress is only possible through the agent of change and to fulfill one's potential, one should always dream big. So -- I've decided, I'm going to try to dream bigger this year.

I did write a list of these "big" dreams in my daily journal, but when I sat down to meditate on this first day of the year, I found myself praying for completely different things.
Instead of asking for financial success and career fulfillment, I found myself in prayer for help.
Help to ....

• keep my mind clean and uncorrupted from the influences of mass media and the masses, in general
• continue to remember what is really important in life (not materialistic things, but health, love, family, inner peace, time with friends, intellectual stimulation, connection with the divine, as well as our true selves.)
• be not only generous but enthusiastically generous
• serve my purpose on this planet
• help others in need (hopefully via one of my callings)
• stay healthy
• be kind, always.
• forgive, truly.
• keep track of my priorities (children before everything else.)

Then I also found myself begging for the impossible. Peace on earth. Peace on earth. Chanting it like a mantra until I realized this may be impossible (like asking for a law of physics to change). A better thing to ask for, I decided mid-inner-chant, would be that all those who do have to suffer through darkness (war, loss, grief, or sickness) be given a little light in their days, despite their dire realities. Lord knows, such moments were what got me through my times of rock-bottom.

So much for my "big" dreams.  ...

disturbing self-realizations and promising resolutions

It is slightly disturbing how much I enjoy my time off at the moment (last week before I, too, return to NYC. Almost all chores of closing up shop in Austria I finished on Sunday. Now I am in Vienna for the last few days before my flight back. It´s inspiring - and a little depressing, I admit - to see all my artsy friends ...all of whom are either doing music, theater or film.)

I mean, I miss my kids (and even D) but I am really o.k. with this unexpected time for myself. Complete serenity. No three constantly talking mouths. If it isn’t one of the kids it is D and I am taking way too little time for myself to be able to handle this kind of bombardment very well. I love them all very much and I would love to hold them and touch them and be near them but I need to find a way to create balance for myself.

Since divorce really isn’t the best option, although having such set rules and fixed times off sounds like an excellent structure to guarantee this much-needed time to myself (- he takes kids one week, I take them the next).
But yeah, yeah…I realize this isn’t a great way to go and I am not sure how the girls would like this scenario. On the other hand, ..I think, they would have two much happier parents….although, can’t be sure about that either. I would probably miss D to death.

Tina says that Eva says to just deal with it. Men are just like that, they are like that and it isn’t going to change. So just deal with it and focus on the good…and try to find a way to make it work. Tina says she will try to cut back on her career (not work f/t) and thus be able to take care of all the household stuff she has to take care of regardless if she is working f/t or not. By only having a p/t job, however, she thinks there will be less stress and less resentment towards Zotto, who just isn’t able to keep up with her (in terms of household and kids).

I love my girls and I want to try to make this marriage work. I will give my best. And because I love D, we have a chance. Hope he still loves me, too.

Anyway, here are my resolutions. Call them New Year’s resolutions if you will. I shall call them “make marriage work with sisi’s happiness/balance project”…which messes with my plural used in the beginning of the sentence.

1.) start working out

2.) leave for a walk around the block if overwhelmed and cabin-feverish

3.) go out on trips (park, whatever) with just one kid at a time (if D refuses to come)

4.) go rollerblading in the city once or twice a month (maybe join that group – see Time Out NY)

5.) start acting again (at any College will do just fine) …if accepted to Photo program for the fall then not doing the acting thing is o.k.

6.) Realize your creative visions (or at least write them down, dammit!!)


I would like to write down a bunch of other things on that list right now but then I might overwhelm myself. Well, let me write them down as an alternate list of points to pick from (for balance creating purposes).

- Start horse-back riding again

- Take a yoga-class

- Take a vacation by yourself once a year (something with horse-back riding or snorkeling). Maybe join those ya-yah sisterhood ladies that go to the beach with horses once a year…”something something sisters”…what are they called?

- Exhibit your photographs or joint venture projects. Doesn’t matter where or how u do it ….just do it. Just do something! (again, write down these ideas of yours!)

- Go out with D once a month (at least) – do something different together (bicycling, concert, guided tour, exhibit, soup kitchen, etc.)

- Take family (day) trips outside the city (get book)

- Go to a LIVE concert or a play once a month!

- Girls night out – once a month! (combine maybe with above point)

- Apply for photo jobs (freelance …for NYT, etc.?!)

To be continued

…there are an awful lot of things I am planning to do once a month…somebody do the math for my reality check. ;)