my superpower reality check

 
A long time ago, when someone asked me what I would pick as a super power, I would always choose flying. Then, as I got older, it became a wish for the power to heal people (physically & mentally) with just a thought. 

When I presented this sanctimonious desire to the kids* over Bobba tea yesterday evening, they both made me aware of the problematic nature of such power. I would cause over-population, there would be shortages in resources, people would be starving, the negative spiral just went on and on - I totally did not think about the consequences of my seemingly wholesome wish.

It also made me wonder about how such power would mess with God's universe. If you believe in God, that is. If I could heal everyone, then I would rob people of potential personal growth, as difficult times tend to serve as catalysts for most. Also, would I mess with assigned times of death? We all perish eventually but maybe the order in which we die serves a purpose. One that we can't see on a micro level, of course. 

Think macro is what I tell myself a lot lately. Recognize your insignificance and significance at the same time. We are very self-involved beings, what happens to us is important to us, affects us emotionally more so than anything else. But we are just specks in this universe and as such our lives and deaths are only functional to the whole. One tiny particle in a gigantic web of connections that creates the dynamic of our world. So yes, you matter but maybe not in the way you think you do .. or don't.

* the kids are over 18 now and include Nini's BFF, Jule, who I have recently taken in as she has run out of places to live.

charity is supposed to make you feel good...

I just finished organizing a charity event that left me entirely too bitter about the state of humanity. It was a free family portrait day at a Domestic Violence Shelter for Mothers and their Children, based on an idea called Help Portrait.

It's not that it didn't go well. Despite my occasional panic attacks leading up to the big day, it all worked out well in the end. I had four much-needed experts sign up literally hours before everything went into production and everyone who did come to volunteer was lovely, amazing, and grateful to be there! Not to mention, how happy the moms were to get pampered and have professional pictures taken with their kids. It should have made me feel good. And, it did. But my resentment toward the people who did not help was greater. Usually the glass-half-full, there's-always-a-silver-lining type of person, I could not get over the fact that a lot of my friends completely ignored my request for help.

I try to remind myself that this is just human nature. We care about the things that touch us.
A great example would be the story of a Facebook friend of mine getting attacked in front of his building a few days ago. The moment I read that he and his girlfriend were okay and nothing really happened to them, I moved on emotionally. To him, however, it was huge. He called several news outlets to get his story published, has been posting regular updates and surveillance camera pictures on Facebook; it consumed him and I could not relate emotionally. Nobody was hurt was all that mattered.

Nothing matters to us unless we can connect to it emotionally.

I guess, in a way then, I failed to make my friends connect to my cause.

This whole situation also reminded me of the fact that people are just people. Not everyone knows how to be a good friend (not out of malice but simply because they don't know any better or may just be too busy to engage). Some friends may need to be taught how to be of better support.

Instead of trying to cut out all the people I feel abandoned by (slightly immature and rash type of decision), it may be more productive to take the time and address them individually about their short-comings. They may have reasons or excuses. We may argue, but at least, we would be communicating. If there is one thing life has taught me, it is that some conflict is best weathered as opposed to being repressed.

And yet, I pathologically avoid conflict, which ultimately just hurts me, for it creates an internal hub of resentment that broods negativity, something I'm desperately trying to stay away from. So, in order to remove a more permanent state of negativity, I will need to endure small bouts of negativity (i.e. conflict). ... OR ... perhaps, there is one more option here...

I COULD JUST FORGIVE AND FORGET. ... That would probably be the most Zen thing to do in this situation.
Forgiveness also creates positivity within oneself and thus can remove harbors of resentment and negativity. So .. maybe I just need to forgive them for being human. Humans are (can be) self-involved, cold, egoistic ... and maybe less maliciously so: scatterbrained, busy, forgetful, and sometimes not compassionate enough.
Just focus on all the support you DID receive, I tell myself. But, instead of letting myself feel good about the generous donations by some of my friends, I focus on the cheap ones by friends I've supported for years and who make sick amounts of money. I almost want to send those $10 or $20 back their way. And then I try to remind myself that - AGAIN - this is not about me. It's about my cause. They don't associate me with my cause. They are not emotionally connecting with my cause and it's as simple as that.

... Spending money is an emotional matter. Inviting a friend for a cup of $5 coffee may be a pleasure, while giving that same friend the same $5 to buy cigarettes feels like you're giving up your life's savings.

on gratitude

Every morning, I sit down to write a bullet list of things I am grateful for, a good practice I heard about on Tim Ferriss's podcast a while back. It's hard for me to be grateful in the mornings. I'm not very happy (i.e. grateful) to be awake, nor am I particularly articulate. In fact, my children know not to tick me off in the mornings, for I am an animal of instinct when I've just woken up. This usually very composed and restrained mama will become a force to be reckoned with if poked in the early hours of the day. There is cursing, needless aggression over Nutella depletion or teenage clothing choices, there are non-sensical accusations and things are said that would never come out of my mouth at any other time of the day. So, at this point, I have trained my children well to keep things calm in the morning and not agitate me, for I will regress into something, which nobody in the house wants to deal with (including me).

But - other than my state of morning madness, I am pretty much grateful all the time. For everything. Okay, maybe not everything. But, a lot. I am so incredibly grateful so often during the day that I feel it is, perhaps, built in. Is gratitude part of human nature? Or is it nurture? So many people seem to not be grateful or appreciative at all. Or maybe, I just don't know that they are. Or could it be that they are, but just for the wrong reasons? Can there even be such a thing as a wrong reason for gratitude? Do dictators, ISIS members, and other atrocious members of our world experience gratitude? And, if yes, what for? Does it still qualify as wholesome gratitude if the appreciation is for something awful or selfish? Then again, isn't all gratitude due to some sense of selfishness? We are grateful because something is good for us. Although, we do experience gratefulness on behalf of people we care about, right? Question is, is that a true altruistic sentiment or is it also based in the "selfish" interest of making oneself feel good?

perspective ...

I got a $138 ticket for rolling through a stop sign WHILE looking straight at the cops parked on the corner. Apparently, I was too "high" on my 250mg of acetaminophen to react to the situation appropriately (‪#‎painmedsLightweight‬). Getting caught violating the traffic rules, is usually something that makes me angry. I know, it makes no sense, since it's my own fault, but sometimes we just don't make sense.

As the officers were writing me my fine, I sat waiting and listening to NPR and then simply became too sad to continue to be upset about this ticket. The story on the radio featured a refugee woman who watched the love of her life and a hundred other people drown after their boat was forcibly capsized. She also was given a toddler to join her on the flimsy little swim ring she was clinging on to and then had to watch as the child's mother drowned in front of her.

This just really put things into perspective and made it impossible for me to be aggravated by this traffic fine. In fact, it made me feel guilty to even have entertained the thought of feeding into my mundane aggravation. I had to hold back my tears about the story so the officers wouldn't think I'm crying about this stupid ticket, and I'm sad to admit, there have been days I have cried over something as ridiculous as a traffic fine.

Every day, I am grateful that we don't live in a war zone and don't have to know the unimaginable suffering so many people in this world today have to know. Every day, when I speak this gratitude I also ask and wish that the people in these terrible situations are given moments of strength, light, and hope.

no it isn't my last entry

the last post was just to say goodbye to my old URL. this is my last attempt of trying to blog somewhat anonymously. truth is i need to write...and somebody needs to read it. why? i do not know. all i know is that I would like to be this person someone I have never met and will never meet. this is what makes it possible for me to write as openly as possible.

ok. now... here i am. sitting in the middle of a half empty room. the bed is gone. the closet has been broken down. clothes are strewn around the house. the movers have picked up our boxes on saturday and we have been emptying out the rest since then. here (in austria) you have to paint the apartment before you give it back to the landlord, so that's going to be my afternoon project. the car isn't sold, yet, and i think i got jerked by the car-dealer when he sold it to me (way too expensive and possibly being an accident vehicle). story of my life.

i am reading Paul Auster's Brooklyn Follies at the moment and there is a passage in which he mentions a troubling story of the Bible (well, ok..they are all kinda troubling...but this one I haven't been able to let go, since I came across it..).

" I was such a moral, upright little person back then. I never lied, never stole, never cheated, never said a cruel word to anyone. And there's Esau, a galumphing simpleton just like me. By all rights, Isaac's blessing should be his. But Jacob tricks him out of it - with his mother's help, no less."
"Even worse, God seems to approve of the arrangement. The dishonest, double-crossing Jacob goes on to become the leader of the Jews, and Esau is left out in the cold, a forgotten man, a worthless nobody."
"My mother always taught me to be good. 'God wants you to be good', she'd say to me, and since I was still young enough to believe in God, I believed what she said. Then I came across that story in the Bible and I didn't understand a thing. The bad guy wins, and God doesn't punish him. It didn't seem right. It still doesn't seem right."

"Of course it does. Jacob had the spark of life in him, and Esau was a dumbbell. Good-hearted, yes, but a dumbbell. If you're going to choose one of them to lead your people, you'll want the fighter, the one with cunning and wit, the one with energy to beat the odds and come out on top. You choose the strong and clever over the weak and kind." (p.53/54)

According to this sh*t I am weak, for I am definitely that kind idiot.
I have to go read the original now (well, not now...cause now I should go paint) but I will check the source and see, whether I agree with the above interpretation (or conclusions) of the story.

fears of admitting one's heritage...

don't have much time to blog...so here an e-mail conversation I just had with a very good friend of mine in NYC.

shelly sends:
INTERNATIONAL / EUROPE October 11, 2006 Across Europe, Worries on Islam Spread to Center By DAN BILEFSKY and IAN FISHER More people in the political mainstream are arguing that Islam cannot be reconciled with European values.

---------- sisi writes:
interesting article and while it contains many true stories it also seems to have a pretty subjective angle. It worries me when I see NYTimes reporters taking on such an unobjective (uninformed) perspective....

All in all the (recent..and not that recent) developments world-wide make me very sad. People are so blind...on all sides....it seems like destiny that we are at constant conflict. God is testing us all and we are failing shamefully.

What disconcerns me as well is my own behavior. I am almost afraid to admit my heritage nowadays. I hope this doesn't all escalate one day. We all remember too painfully where the hatred against an entire people can lead (think WWII, think Sudan, think Yugoslavia, ...and I'm sure you can add plenty more. ... even in the U.S. hatred can escalate on levels that are dangerous...i.e. governmental levels (think Guantanamo, and similar, think Japanese internment camps, think post-9/11 1800-Tipps and the mass-detainment of anyone classifiable Muslim (and male).....

it is all fucked up.
this world is fucked up!
s. :< ------shelly writes: Ms., Good Morning: I do agree. I sent this to you because I didn't like that Austria was specifically mentioned-it made me very worried for you and your family. S., never be afraid of admittance of your heritage. I do understand your feeling on it; I have not been the keenest on being like yeah, I amPakistani. Remember this, there is no shame in who you are, though thruhistory people have denied who they were fearing persecution, I think the guilt that one persecutes themselves with is far worse than death. I had theopportunity to have lunch with Tina and Eve with my parents on Sunday(Jimmy had a b'day party his mom forgot about-whatever). Eve told me that people think she is Indian and I said well you know your dad was Pakistani, you should correct that- Tina immediately jumped in to say, it doesn't matter it is the same! Really, unless all you identify yourself as Punjabi, it is not the same. Growing up, we were offended, what, Indian? No way, we are Pakistani......how funny that the response has changed, maybe even sad. Be proud, practice as you see fit, and remember, no matter what, your dignity and faith can not be taken from you. I have already decided that I would be willing to die for my beliefs. If someone asked me if I was a Christian , I would say yes, regardless that there are horrible associations, in the end I am a follower of Christ, not mankind and that makes me Christian. Did you hear of the shootings in Pennsylvania's Amish country? Please readup on it. They have been a beacon in the world of not being ashamed of what others think and proved it by their forgiveness and willingness to grieve with the man who had killed their childrens' family. How is that for modern day faith?!
Ok, sorry that this is heavy. I love you and your family Sisi, and I would stand up for you in a heartbeat, now and forever.

Love till Chocolate Shakes-
Shelly

--------sisi writes:
hey girl,

yeah that Amish shooting story and the way the community embraces the shooters wife and children was amazing but, of course, mostly very sad (these poor children;( .

Ironically, I've been more on top of the news here (including US news and especially its foreign policies) than when I lived over there. I guess, it is that Europeans live within such close borders, they are just more inclined (and used) to looking across them.
Also, ..I mean...I work in a news-agency now...so...I see new stories coming in every few minutes.

It's scary how many shootings (and almost shootings) there have been in the States within the past week or so... Is this a recent thing...or did I not pay attention over there...or has it become such a common thing the news doesn't pick it up every time?

When will the government see that letting their citizens carry guns or keep guns at home usually only leads to accidents. I mean, what is the point of civilians being able to carry guns? So, they can defend their property?? ... that's what the police is for, no?

Alright, enough ranting for today.
It ain't better here. Shit happens here, too.
Maybe not that often or at the tragedy levels like in this huge country called USA...but enough crap. I guess, it would be fairer to compare the US with all of Western & Southern Europe and we'll probably be at the same level of human f*cked-up-ness. ;) (uuh, I think we can make this a word!)

And back I am at my loss of faith in human goodness.
sigh.
s.
PS: that story with Tina is just sad. She really seems to have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that her family consists of more than just white people. She might never learn...but I trust that her children will find their way to their roots one day. This is what is great about America.... people are proud of their roots, they search for their roots, and they are interested in each other's roots.