I've decided that the only way to find time to take care of all the things on my before-we-leave-the-country-to-do-list is to omit any and all sleep until Sunday. Oh well, one can't have everything.
so, back to cleaning the house I go. then I need to shower and I really must get started on weeding through our filing cabinet. It's just gonna be me and my shredder for the night.
Red Bull here I come.
oh, but before I log off...I just wanted to jot down this one little conversation D overheard yesterday:
Lucas (Rosa's 4-year old son & Maia's best friend) to Maia: You know, you can't have any boys over at your house anymore. ..... Only me. .....You can have a hundred girls...but no boys.
Interesting, isn't it? Where is he getting this from? He doesn't watch TV like that. He has no such environment. Must really be in the male genetic make-up ...that whole possessive urge.
;)
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
beauty = power
this morning, as both kids are glued to me once again while I am trying to catch a few more minutes of sleep, I finally turn to Maia and ask half-frustratedly (if that's a word):
What is it with you girls that you have to stick to me like that? You have a perfectly good daddy right outside this door, much more awake and willing to help you than I am. ....Is it that you like me better, or what?
Maia: yes! :)
Me: Really? And why is that?
Maia: Because you're prettier than Daddy.
LOL. well, I sure am glad we're teaching the girl all the right values here. ;)
What is it with you girls that you have to stick to me like that? You have a perfectly good daddy right outside this door, much more awake and willing to help you than I am. ....Is it that you like me better, or what?
Maia: yes! :)
Me: Really? And why is that?
Maia: Because you're prettier than Daddy.
LOL. well, I sure am glad we're teaching the girl all the right values here. ;)
Friday, March 24, 2006
nostalgic breakdowns
It was only natural that I was crying when I cancelled my final interview with the ICP-Bard admissions committee last week, however, the reason for my nervous breakdown in front of the dairy section of Stop & Shop a few days ago brought my attention to some apparently much deeper sadness about my plans to leave my life here in New York. Nevertheless, I blamed the stress, got myself together and moved on to the juice isle.
This morning, however, I woke up once again with a heavier heart - aware that the days until our departure are now in the single digits. When I then checked my admissions status at SVA I almost came to tears again .... and I was only navigating through the site. I am just becoming very aware of what I am letting go here. A creative endeavor I have always dreamed of....
But I am getting over it. This whole move is for the better, I believe.
For the better of the family ...and that is what should be my first priority anyway.
I am going to miss my friends.
I am going to miss New York.
But it's gonna be alright.
I hope.
Hey, I'm allowed to be a bit nostalgic here, am I not?!
This morning, however, I woke up once again with a heavier heart - aware that the days until our departure are now in the single digits. When I then checked my admissions status at SVA I almost came to tears again .... and I was only navigating through the site. I am just becoming very aware of what I am letting go here. A creative endeavor I have always dreamed of....
But I am getting over it. This whole move is for the better, I believe.
For the better of the family ...and that is what should be my first priority anyway.
I am going to miss my friends.
I am going to miss New York.
But it's gonna be alright.
I hope.
Hey, I'm allowed to be a bit nostalgic here, am I not?!
Friday, March 10, 2006
all things come to an end
To save some time, here today`s e-mail exchange with one of my closest friends.
_
He writes:
---------------------
Hey Sisi,
I don't have a lot of time to write right now. I've been in a little bit of a funk-- no doubt you've heard that work is a little crazy with people jumping ship and one of my best friends in the world will be leaving soon.
But I wanted to say, yeah. Last minute panicking is natural, but all things considered I'm confident you're making the right decision. One, the girls need to learn German and English (and probably some Spanish and a forth Asian language) if they're going to thrive in the emerging market, plus no doubt getting them into a quality school won't be such a crap shoot, especially once they get a handle on German.
Two, I think you've been loosing important pieces of yourself over the past few years-- no doubt you discovered as much about yourself as you lost, but I think it's a good time for you to reclaim a lot of who you used to be.
Third, Dario needs a change, I think there were too many things around him reinforcing his juvenial inclinations. Working in a completely new environment will be really challenging and one thing about D he welcomes a good challenge, so I think this will go a long way to growing him up. If I were, I wouldn't expect him to stop playing games though, that's an inescapable global phenomena.
As far as graduate school goes. I've always been one of those folks in the camp that if you really want to be a photographer, that's what you'll be. If you're doing it for the right reasons (driving by the passion the challenge the desire the love to capture and make precious some of life's fleeting moments) then it doesn't matter whether you do so as a professional or an amateur (who, I remind you, is someone who engages a habitual activity out of love). But if you're not convinced, well, graduate programs have been around for at least 50 years, I'm sure they'll still be around when you're ready.Anyway, I need to get back to work, no doubt, more later.
Vern
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
hey vern,
thanks for your wonderful and very insightful e-mail.
This is the kind of emotional support I need at this great crossroads of my life (although, ....technically I feel like I`ve already passed the crossing...;)
Anyway, it was good to hear your feedback and, believe me, it isn`t easy for me to let go of my friendships either. I`ve been in a funk myself for the past few days. Good thing we are living in the 21st century and keeping in touch and up-to-date won`t be such an undertaking. Plus, I did always prefer your writing....although, I must say, your wife has done a good job polishing those rough (sometimes very annoying) edges of yours. - sh*t...somehow that sentence didn`t work....already I am losing my English....BUT hey! you know what a friend of the family told me today?! ...a few weeks ago she had run into my old German teacher (in the States, comparable to one`s Englisch teacher, I suppose)....and he had told her that I was his best student in his 35 years of duty as a professor.
How come they don`t tell you this when you go to school? I don`t recall EVER getting a compliment at school. .... of course, there must have been some...but apparently they were so rare that I don`t remember. What I do remember are the beatings and never-ending scoldings I got at school.
Although, I think, my English teacher once complimented me on my continous excellence on our English vocabulary tests. Of course, the last paragraph is anything but a good example of those apparent "excellent" English skills. ;)
My mom reminded me that I used to be very athletic...always bringing home medals. I don`t remember any medals. That must have been wishful motherly thinking. ;) ....Actually, wait!....I do remember a medal...once...I got in 3rd or 4th place in a bobsledding race, in which I almost died btw. (aah, the beauty of small-town athletic events. safety: a non-issue.)
Anyway, ....it`s getting late. Only a few days until I finally fly back to my beloved family.
Nini has been potty-trained in my absence. I am upset. ....... and she isn`t even two, yet.
Oh,... one more story before I go:
Yesterday, I got a skype call at work. I saw it was Dario calling, so I hung up...thinking what is he doing calling me at work? I can`t be skyping here. Then it rings again, so I picked up....not saying anything...waiting for him to tell me what he needs to tell me.
Then I hear Maia: MOOOM, I know you`re there. ...Say something. It was too cute. ;)Then she started going on about her day, and what she had been doing, and how her dad is annoying her but that she loves him anyway....
Finally Dario came into the room...quite surprised. Apparently, she must have picked my name out of the contact list and then just pressed the button to call me. May I mention that the other day I spent about 45 min. trying to explain to my father, who is about 60 years older than my daughter, how to make a phone-call with skype. ;)
ok. now I really am going to go.
Today is my 8th wedding anniversary....and this summer D and I will have been together for 11 years.
I`m slightly amazed.
;)
anyway, I gotta go.
say hi to your lady,
c-u soon,
s.
_
He writes:
---------------------
Hey Sisi,
I don't have a lot of time to write right now. I've been in a little bit of a funk-- no doubt you've heard that work is a little crazy with people jumping ship and one of my best friends in the world will be leaving soon.
But I wanted to say, yeah. Last minute panicking is natural, but all things considered I'm confident you're making the right decision. One, the girls need to learn German and English (and probably some Spanish and a forth Asian language) if they're going to thrive in the emerging market, plus no doubt getting them into a quality school won't be such a crap shoot, especially once they get a handle on German.
Two, I think you've been loosing important pieces of yourself over the past few years-- no doubt you discovered as much about yourself as you lost, but I think it's a good time for you to reclaim a lot of who you used to be.
Third, Dario needs a change, I think there were too many things around him reinforcing his juvenial inclinations. Working in a completely new environment will be really challenging and one thing about D he welcomes a good challenge, so I think this will go a long way to growing him up. If I were, I wouldn't expect him to stop playing games though, that's an inescapable global phenomena.
As far as graduate school goes. I've always been one of those folks in the camp that if you really want to be a photographer, that's what you'll be. If you're doing it for the right reasons (driving by the passion the challenge the desire the love to capture and make precious some of life's fleeting moments) then it doesn't matter whether you do so as a professional or an amateur (who, I remind you, is someone who engages a habitual activity out of love). But if you're not convinced, well, graduate programs have been around for at least 50 years, I'm sure they'll still be around when you're ready.Anyway, I need to get back to work, no doubt, more later.
Vern
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
hey vern,
thanks for your wonderful and very insightful e-mail.
This is the kind of emotional support I need at this great crossroads of my life (although, ....technically I feel like I`ve already passed the crossing...;)
Anyway, it was good to hear your feedback and, believe me, it isn`t easy for me to let go of my friendships either. I`ve been in a funk myself for the past few days. Good thing we are living in the 21st century and keeping in touch and up-to-date won`t be such an undertaking. Plus, I did always prefer your writing....although, I must say, your wife has done a good job polishing those rough (sometimes very annoying) edges of yours. - sh*t...somehow that sentence didn`t work....already I am losing my English....BUT hey! you know what a friend of the family told me today?! ...a few weeks ago she had run into my old German teacher (in the States, comparable to one`s Englisch teacher, I suppose)....and he had told her that I was his best student in his 35 years of duty as a professor.
How come they don`t tell you this when you go to school? I don`t recall EVER getting a compliment at school. .... of course, there must have been some...but apparently they were so rare that I don`t remember. What I do remember are the beatings and never-ending scoldings I got at school.
Although, I think, my English teacher once complimented me on my continous excellence on our English vocabulary tests. Of course, the last paragraph is anything but a good example of those apparent "excellent" English skills. ;)
My mom reminded me that I used to be very athletic...always bringing home medals. I don`t remember any medals. That must have been wishful motherly thinking. ;) ....Actually, wait!....I do remember a medal...once...I got in 3rd or 4th place in a bobsledding race, in which I almost died btw. (aah, the beauty of small-town athletic events. safety: a non-issue.)
Anyway, ....it`s getting late. Only a few days until I finally fly back to my beloved family.
Nini has been potty-trained in my absence. I am upset. ....... and she isn`t even two, yet.
Oh,... one more story before I go:
Yesterday, I got a skype call at work. I saw it was Dario calling, so I hung up...thinking what is he doing calling me at work? I can`t be skyping here. Then it rings again, so I picked up....not saying anything...waiting for him to tell me what he needs to tell me.
Then I hear Maia: MOOOM, I know you`re there. ...Say something. It was too cute. ;)Then she started going on about her day, and what she had been doing, and how her dad is annoying her but that she loves him anyway....
Finally Dario came into the room...quite surprised. Apparently, she must have picked my name out of the contact list and then just pressed the button to call me. May I mention that the other day I spent about 45 min. trying to explain to my father, who is about 60 years older than my daughter, how to make a phone-call with skype. ;)
ok. now I really am going to go.
Today is my 8th wedding anniversary....and this summer D and I will have been together for 11 years.
I`m slightly amazed.
;)
anyway, I gotta go.
say hi to your lady,
c-u soon,
s.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
forget what I wrote yesterday
....that was just BS, I think.
I think, I am just afraid of this big step. That`s all.
Most of all I am probably afraid I might regret the fact that I will have to reject the acceptance of Graduate Schools I have tried very hard to get into. Schools that are very selective and whose invitation to study isn`t to be taken for granted.
Oh well, at least I can comfort myself with the fact that I got in.
But seriously, I think I am standing on an edge here. Don`t know what will happen when I jump (I can`t even say if I jump).
Do I really want to live in a country that allows advertisement such as this?
The poster is an ad of the liberal party (which really is a right-wing party) and it is supposed to encourage people to sign their petition to forbid Turkey its anticipated membership in the European Union.
The poster's headline asks if we want this to be our future. (aaaarrrgh. f*in idiots. I can`t believe they get away with this).
Anyway, so far they haven`t really had much response to this. The petition booths opened 3 days ago and except for a few senior citizens nobody seems to sign. So, thank God, there is hope. People are not all idiots.
But really, I wonder, if I will find this peace and goodness I am looking for in life. I am afraid that my expectations will be shattered and that I will be bitterly disappointed .......and when this happens, where will I go? How do we flee from human failure? It is everywhere. Even within ourselves.
I think, I am just afraid of this big step. That`s all.
Most of all I am probably afraid I might regret the fact that I will have to reject the acceptance of Graduate Schools I have tried very hard to get into. Schools that are very selective and whose invitation to study isn`t to be taken for granted.
Oh well, at least I can comfort myself with the fact that I got in.
But seriously, I think I am standing on an edge here. Don`t know what will happen when I jump (I can`t even say if I jump).
Do I really want to live in a country that allows advertisement such as this?
The poster is an ad of the liberal party (which really is a right-wing party) and it is supposed to encourage people to sign their petition to forbid Turkey its anticipated membership in the European Union.
The poster's headline asks if we want this to be our future. (aaaarrrgh. f*in idiots. I can`t believe they get away with this).
Anyway, so far they haven`t really had much response to this. The petition booths opened 3 days ago and except for a few senior citizens nobody seems to sign. So, thank God, there is hope. People are not all idiots.
But really, I wonder, if I will find this peace and goodness I am looking for in life. I am afraid that my expectations will be shattered and that I will be bitterly disappointed .......and when this happens, where will I go? How do we flee from human failure? It is everywhere. Even within ourselves.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
nightmares and doubts
Last night was filled with bad dreams about me being here. Anxieties driven by an earlier conversation with my grandmother, I suppose. It wasn`t like I didn`t know this was coming. My grandmother has always been critical about all my big life-changing decisions. Going to America, getting married, having my first child, etc. I clearly remember the things she told me about the latter fact: "You just finished college. Weren`t you going to start your career now? Well, your life is over now. It`s the end of all your passions, anyway," she said, "I don`t understand why you have to have a child now." Mind you, I was 27 then and already pregnant. This just isn`t the kind of thing you tell someone who is already half-way through with the project, so to say.
Anyway, yesterday when I spoke to her on the phone she totally broke me.
I was visiting a friend`s house - a small dinner party. Needless to say, I was embarrassed to rejoin the table, for I had troubles to remain composed. I had to step away twice to take a few deep breaths in the hallway to be able to control myself and not break into tears.
My grandmother had hit a raw nerve. An underlying anxiety about this whole existence-changing endeavor of mine (ours). She hit the fears about the risk I am taking and she hit my insecurities like a pro mom-surrogate, I suppose.
I think you are being irresponsible here. You are always jumping all over the place. But, oh well, you`ve always been that way.
-Grandma, I said, how can you say that? I`ve been in New York for almost ten years. I`ve been working at the same place for about 8 years. I have my own apartment, I have been in the same relationship for almost 11 years. How much more stable can I be?
-Why do you want to come back? she countered, I thought you are happy there. I find it reckless of you to leave a stable job, your apartment, everything you have to come back here.
-I am taking a leave (if all goes bad, we can return and I, at least, will have a job), we are renting our place...
-I don`t understand why.
-I just think it`s better for the kids.
-I don`t buy that. I don`t believe that you would do something like this just for the kids.
-(ouch). Listen, if I would be selfish, I`d stay. I love New York City. I just got note from the first of the three Graduate Schools I applied to that I have been accepted and that is a great honor and opportunity. They don`t just take anybody. They are extremely selective. Out of hundreds of applications they take maybe 10 people.
- Well, this isn`t really what you wanted anyway. You always wanted to work in the film business.
- It is, too, what I wanted. It was one of my options, one of my paths. The reason I came to New York to study photography is because I didn`t make the entry exam into the only Viennese photo-program.
-That`s because you didn`t try hard enough.
-What? I studied hard. How could I know that it turned out to be all math and chemistry on that test.
-Well, you`re going to proceed as you like anyway,..soo whatever you say.
This was only an excerpt of the things she told me. I am still shaken by it, when I shouldn`t be. Why do I let this affect me in such a way? I know better. She doesn`t know my life, she doesn`t know the details, the realities, ....she is just passing a judgement as an outsider.
MUST ignore.
Anyway, today I am beginning to be really homesick.
Anyway, yesterday when I spoke to her on the phone she totally broke me.
I was visiting a friend`s house - a small dinner party. Needless to say, I was embarrassed to rejoin the table, for I had troubles to remain composed. I had to step away twice to take a few deep breaths in the hallway to be able to control myself and not break into tears.
My grandmother had hit a raw nerve. An underlying anxiety about this whole existence-changing endeavor of mine (ours). She hit the fears about the risk I am taking and she hit my insecurities like a pro mom-surrogate, I suppose.
I think you are being irresponsible here. You are always jumping all over the place. But, oh well, you`ve always been that way.
-Grandma, I said, how can you say that? I`ve been in New York for almost ten years. I`ve been working at the same place for about 8 years. I have my own apartment, I have been in the same relationship for almost 11 years. How much more stable can I be?
-Why do you want to come back? she countered, I thought you are happy there. I find it reckless of you to leave a stable job, your apartment, everything you have to come back here.
-I am taking a leave (if all goes bad, we can return and I, at least, will have a job), we are renting our place...
-I don`t understand why.
-I just think it`s better for the kids.
-I don`t buy that. I don`t believe that you would do something like this just for the kids.
-(ouch). Listen, if I would be selfish, I`d stay. I love New York City. I just got note from the first of the three Graduate Schools I applied to that I have been accepted and that is a great honor and opportunity. They don`t just take anybody. They are extremely selective. Out of hundreds of applications they take maybe 10 people.
- Well, this isn`t really what you wanted anyway. You always wanted to work in the film business.
- It is, too, what I wanted. It was one of my options, one of my paths. The reason I came to New York to study photography is because I didn`t make the entry exam into the only Viennese photo-program.
-That`s because you didn`t try hard enough.
-What? I studied hard. How could I know that it turned out to be all math and chemistry on that test.
-Well, you`re going to proceed as you like anyway,..soo whatever you say.
This was only an excerpt of the things she told me. I am still shaken by it, when I shouldn`t be. Why do I let this affect me in such a way? I know better. She doesn`t know my life, she doesn`t know the details, the realities, ....she is just passing a judgement as an outsider.
MUST ignore.
Anyway, today I am beginning to be really homesick.
Saturday, March 04, 2006
things fall into place
I finished my second week at the job here in Austria and things are looking better work-wise. It is a LOT of work but it is not always the same, for I will be doing editorial work and project work (50:50). Already, my mind is sharper for I have to be very alert all day long.
Imagine a news agency. This is what the editorial part of my day entails, which I find kinda funny, since I haven`t kept track of the news (world, Austria, whatever) in years. I just didn`t have the time to go dig for the stuff I needed to know. Anyway, it`s not like they don`t like to bring gossip and mundane stuff on their newsportal, as well, but I also get exposed to all the important info (hey, I now know, for example, who the Polish president is, when he was elected and how you spell his name ...Lech Kaczynki. Now that I look at it...I`m not so sure if it`s really spelled that way but at least I know who we`re talking about if his name is mentioned. ;)
The editorial work is also a bit stressful, for we are working on a news-portal (i.e. we change the stories on it every few minutes. it feels like, you`re never finished with your work, which is a bit agitating.)
The other day I posted a story on the homepage, and when I told the editor-in-chief to have a quick look, she said: "Nice,...but..ehm... why is it in English?"
Totally didn`t realize that I had switched to an English text. So for about a half an hour (until all servers had updated their content) our little Vorarlberg newportal had a moment of great internationality. ;)
Other than work, I`ve been looking for apartments and have actually found one I am totally taken by.
In these images you can see the typical European weather. Or Austrian, anyway. It`s bad weather half the time, which makes you appreciate a day of sun and beauty allthemore (if that`s a word - probably not). In the entire time that I`ve been here we had maybe one and a half days of sun.
New York rocks in that department. Always freaggin` sunny. I loooove that.
ok. I have to go now. The shops close early here (the ones that are open on Saturdays close at 5pm. Sundays everything is closed, except for some gas-station stores.)
Also, today is "Funka". This is a costum apparently only practiced in Vorarlberg. Every village builds and burns down a big woodtower on this Sunday evening with a scare-crow style witch (filled with explosives- well, fireworks) tied to the top. They say it`s to scare away the winter but really it has its origins in the witch-hunts of the middle-ages. Also, I think it`s another reason to get drunk together. ;) No, seriously, ...it`s a fun thing to do with the kids...and watching a fire burn seems to fascinate all people through the ages.
Anyway, I don`t think I`m going. Let`s see, who`ll drag me.
Imagine a news agency. This is what the editorial part of my day entails, which I find kinda funny, since I haven`t kept track of the news (world, Austria, whatever) in years. I just didn`t have the time to go dig for the stuff I needed to know. Anyway, it`s not like they don`t like to bring gossip and mundane stuff on their newsportal, as well, but I also get exposed to all the important info (hey, I now know, for example, who the Polish president is, when he was elected and how you spell his name ...Lech Kaczynki. Now that I look at it...I`m not so sure if it`s really spelled that way but at least I know who we`re talking about if his name is mentioned. ;)
The editorial work is also a bit stressful, for we are working on a news-portal (i.e. we change the stories on it every few minutes. it feels like, you`re never finished with your work, which is a bit agitating.)
The other day I posted a story on the homepage, and when I told the editor-in-chief to have a quick look, she said: "Nice,...but..ehm... why is it in English?"
Totally didn`t realize that I had switched to an English text. So for about a half an hour (until all servers had updated their content) our little Vorarlberg newportal had a moment of great internationality. ;)
Other than work, I`ve been looking for apartments and have actually found one I am totally taken by.
In these images you can see the typical European weather. Or Austrian, anyway. It`s bad weather half the time, which makes you appreciate a day of sun and beauty allthemore (if that`s a word - probably not). In the entire time that I`ve been here we had maybe one and a half days of sun.
New York rocks in that department. Always freaggin` sunny. I loooove that.
ok. I have to go now. The shops close early here (the ones that are open on Saturdays close at 5pm. Sundays everything is closed, except for some gas-station stores.)
Also, today is "Funka". This is a costum apparently only practiced in Vorarlberg. Every village builds and burns down a big woodtower on this Sunday evening with a scare-crow style witch (filled with explosives- well, fireworks) tied to the top. They say it`s to scare away the winter but really it has its origins in the witch-hunts of the middle-ages. Also, I think it`s another reason to get drunk together. ;) No, seriously, ...it`s a fun thing to do with the kids...and watching a fire burn seems to fascinate all people through the ages.
Anyway, I don`t think I`m going. Let`s see, who`ll drag me.
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