happiness?

I've been wondering, whether I am content with my decision of having moved to Austria or not and I haven't found the definitive answer until just a few days ago, when someone told me to ask myself, where I feel more at peace and I knew that answer was "here" (in Vorarlberg).
Nevertheless, I seem to have an inner turmoil about this. Maybe it is my rebellious self, the one that called all the shots in my "younger" years. The reason I might have been insecure about my decision is that my rebellious self has been (and still is) confusing me by telling me that I am not supposed to feel content in this "godforsaken place" - as I would have referred to it in my youth.
I am supposed to yearn for the big city, the vibrant melting-pot I loved for so long. Instead, I find myself happy with the fact that I have to fight no traffic, that I can park whereever I please, that my kids can roam around carefree, and that every night I can watch a different sunset over the lake of Constance, right from the convenience of my terrace.



Of course, not all is happy and dandy. Today, for example, I realized that I think I am in the wrong career. I was sitting in a room full of people who were willing to put in 15 hours a day, because they really love their job. I, on the other hand, feel resentful for every extra hour I have to spend in my office (which there are many of - hours, I mean). And then I remembered when I last had this passion about a job (working 24hour days sometimes). This was during my days at the film-production, I used to work for.
I was 18 and shamelessly exploited there but, nevertheless, I have never found more joy in a job. It is a field full of creativity and interesting people. Of course, you meet your regular idiots and a-holes but all in all it is a fun business.
Unfortunately, this realization is coming kinda late. How the hell would I pull such a career-change off now? Especially in Vorarlberg. HA HA!

Well, one can't have everything in life and thus I am going to focus on the things that make me happy.

faux pas and other rants

today I walked into an optician's store (or was it an ophthalmologist?) to get my glasses fixed. behind the counter was a - what my friend Vern would call "foxy" -girl. I estimated her age about 10 years less than what I lug around.
She fixed my glasses (the frames) for free and curious about further ophthalmological treatment I asked her where the doctor is.
I am the doctor, she replied dryly.
Oh, I began to stutter, I'm sorry. sure. it's just that you know how it is when you reach that age..we are really getting older...everyone is looking so young to me now..(thinking: oh no, did I just tell her she is old?) ...I mean,..ehm..it's just that your shirt (thinking your boobs)...
it's ok, she tried to save me from my sad twirl-down (note the sophisticated choice of words here: twirl-down. ..there must be a better term to describe this. but like so often, I am tired and semi-braindead and thus way too tired to look up synonyms, never mind THINk of a synonym.)

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there are no English movies here in Vorarlberg. Except for Sneak-Preview night every two weeks. I am really starting to suffer under the movie-going-deficit. we actually drive over to Switzerland sometimes to see a U.S.movie undubbed.
Well, it's not like it's a much further drive than it used to be in New York City. 40 min. and no traffic is not too bad.
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damn, I am trying to post this and the blogger server(s?) is (are) just reaally slow right now. Assuming that most bloggers on blogger.com are Americans, probably old enough to work, I am wondering: What the hell are these people doing? YOU SHOULD BE WORKING over there! it is 2:55pm. ;) What are you doing blogging?
Don't you love my mathematical/statistical ambitions lately? I love making assumptions for the sake of a good (pointless) running of the mind. ... must stop that, as not to sound like a dumba**.

campaign for the 1-second film

Since this is the second time I am watching this video with amusement, I thought it is worth to share (i.e. blog). Fun for the movie buffs, anyway.

I have moved on

I am happy to report that I think I have now officially moved on from the sh*t I've been obsessed with for the past couple of months. Those of you who read my blog regularly know what I am talking about, for others: it's just another stupid woman obsessed by illusion of man story.

The amazing thing about my having moved on is that it happened with the help of Dario. He just put things in perspective for me. Really brought me back to earth, and reality for that matter.
It happened a few days ago, when we went out on another one of our rather frequent dates lately (this rediscovering-your-old-relationship crap really works!)
We went out on our bicycles, explored the old parts of the state capital (Bregenz. looked at buildings dating back to the 13th century), went out for a long dinner (sat and talked for hours in that garden cafe), and then had the best sex since...hmm..yes..ever.

forgetful thinking

I have reached a degree of forgetfulness, which I find depressing and at the same time fascinating enough to blog.
...you won't believe this but I just forgot what I wanted to write.....
this is disconcerting.
...
ok. now I've got it.
it's my missing car radio story. Every day since I have my little Golf Rabbit (the one with the insane mileage on it) I am telling myself that I must remember to go online and get a radio. So, I actively think about this task for the whole quiet ride to and from work, every day 10-15 min. each way.
Let's see, ... I have the car for about a month now, maybe more...but let's say 30 days. That's 30x2=60 (I am not factoring in the weekends or the extra rides inbetween). This simple calculation brings me to the realization that I have now effectively forgotten this task 60 consecutive times, even though I am reminded TWICE every day. This is a very very sad state of mind, I must say.

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if I hear one more Reggeaton song I'm going to have a fit (this is all D listens to right now...and literally: Right NOW). and when I cleaned the floors today (after a long day of work), I came to the conclusion that when Dario says he "vacuumed today", he also counts the times when he rolled out the vacuum to pick up the little bit of rice he spilled over by the dishwasher. ...the carpets were filthy I tell you. disgusting. Looks like I'm going to have to throw in that "second shift" after all.

floods

Hope you guys back home (yes, now I feel like "back home" refers to New York) are ok!



Photo by James Estrin (New York Times)

Click here for the Article.

guess who's a failure

this is quite funny.. ;)
go to www.google.com ...type in the word failure and click on "I'm feeling lucky".

Better try this now. Who knows, Google might get paranoid and take it off, which -really - would be kinda sad.

if I had a cool links list this would be on it

www.pandora.com
LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT

an online radio-system that learns the kind of music you like (enter the song or artist you like and the pandora player will start playing stuff it thinks you might like, too). then you can micromanage, if you want..and give each song that plays a thumbs up or down.

first artists name I entered: sam phillips

topless bathing is out isn't it?

D and I biked to a lake this weekend. We packed our backpack for like a half an hour, wanting to be prepared for the trip of which we thought will take about an hour. We covered the kids in sunscreen, filled our bike bottles with water, checked the tire pressure,...the works.
Then it took us about 15 minutes to get there.
We had no idea how close we were to that lake.

When we approached the water, I spotted a woman wearing only a bikini-bottom. Hey, I said to D, look it’s your first topless woman! ;)(I was referring to the European costum of stripping down to nothing when near any body of water.) Dario glanced over and then straightened his gaze again in appropriate matter. We dropped our bags, and I decided that I’ll go get the bikes, which we had parked unlocked at the other side of the lake (which by the way, is really more of a pond).
No five minutes had passed until I returned and Dario was already happily chatting with the topless chick.
I broke into laughter just because I found this to be too funny. I couldn’t stop laughing and didn’t want to offend the girl, so I just settled down a few feet away from them.
When D came over to explain that she was the one who started talking to him, I nodded seriously and in agreement.
The girl came over to me later, as well. I don't know how people (women who like to sunbathe topless - in public) do it. How can you talk to someone with your top off and not worry that really they have no idea what you're saying because they're too busy staring at your breasts. Maybe it's a good diversion tactic. If you're not happy with your face, just take your top off and any guy will be happy to talk to you.
But what I really have to get used to is the fact that men strip, too. There you are, innocently taking your kids for a stroll along the Blue Danube, and BAM - there's a naked man on the grass next to you.
Lots of getting used to to do.
;)

daily rant

for days it has been sunny and hot here now, and every time I want to die when I get into my car after work, for it feels like a sauna on wheels (need I bring up the 253.000 miles again? well, usually a car with that many miles -aka years- on it doesn't come with an A/C, unless it's an American car maybe.)

anyway,...so today...was the ONE day I thought, hmm, let's prevent post-labor heatstroke by leaving the windows open. Unfortunately, I forgot about the fact that Austrian (ie. Vorarlbergian) weather can never be trusted. Sunshine is always just a tease and I fell for it. Two days it was gorgeous and that seemed to be enough already. The rain came in a storming, torrential kinda way. Filled up the inside door-compartments of my car and soaked every single seat to the steel below it.
Good thing I work for a media company now. I seem to always carry all newspapers of the week with me, although I never really get around to actually read them. Well, they soaked through immediately and I am looking forward to the mold smell, which will surely develop in my beloved vehicle - just give it a few days.

Oh well, at least there might be a chance that the mold smell will finally outdo the overwhelmingly nauseating cow-dung-smell that's been part of the air here since our arrival in April. Actually, I've been told the farmers here now use penguin excrements instead of cow menure to fertilize the fields. This would explain the exponentially worse smell. I don't recall this kind of intensity of odor and I grew up here.

the things I would do...

no, this is not a dirty post if that's what you think...
this is my personal to-do-list, also called "the wishlist":
Here it goes:

x sh*t now I can't remember anything. ... so maybe I should first wish for
x a functional brain.

x write a sit-com (yeah, whatever. .... actually, to tell the truth, I really wanted to write an episode for the Gilmore Girls but I was almost too embarrassed to write that down, for I am convinced most readers of my blog probably despise (spelling?) that show. Anyway, I identify with the mother - quirky, caffeine-addicted, overanalytical, can't fit into the small-town life she loves regardless, etc.
Unfortunately, unlike Lorelei Gilmore, I can't eat anything I want (although, lately it seems that I think I can and have thus been getting fatter. <- was that even an English sentence? ...I guess, the real reason I won't be writing for TV is not because I don't find time but because I can't write for sh*t. Also, I really wouldn't be able to talk "ghetto" like that.

x set up a blog for my friend Johannes' "message". He is sort of an unvoluntary psychic and once in a while he gets very strong "contact", or whatever you want to call it, from the other side. This might sound stupid to you, specially if you don't believe in this kind of stuff, but I know this man for a long time and he is not only very sane but also very balanced in his life. He doesn't make up sh*t like that.
Anyway, he has sent me this document of a message/revelation/whatever it is he had about a year ago. It is about Ground Zero and its future. When I read that message my heart began to beat faster and I began to tremble. It is so detailed and so strong that I just have to translate it (from German to English)...and I thought to do that via a separate blog might be the best way, since it gives room for feedback.

xWrite a letter to Carla (that I miss her). [now that item on my list is so complicated to approach - on so many levels - that I really don't see it happening. Plus, as Rosa said (quite disillusioning) to her I will probably just always remain that "bitch". For details on this story see this post and its comments:
no more turning back now (april)

x Direct or/and act in a movie. (ok. now that should be on 43things.com ...under things I will realistically never get to do in this lifetime. sad. sad.)

x Open up an Import/Export business. (The main motivation here is to get all the stuff I miss from the US over here. I am approaching the bottom of my last Dunkin Donuts coffeebag. Panic is taking over. I need bigger sized Mudd Jeans (all my 2-s and 5-s are now officially history). I had a very depressing evening yesterday, sorting through my clothes...

x Put all my extra photos on Flickr.

x dust

x install my car radio

x Back-up my computer

x ok. obviously I can't remember any significant to-do items at this point. It is now 1:27 a.m. (MEZ ..i.e. Middle European Timezone) and I am beginning to fade...

I don't quite qualify

So, I was thinking of joining the blogging mommies ring (www.bloggingmommies.com).

I gave that up really quickly after reading rule number two:

General Rules
2. No flames, hostility, whining, complaining or excessive negativity.

How the hell can you write a sincere mother's blog and not be hostile, whine, complain and be negative? That's like a paradox, isn't it?

Oh well, I probably wouldn't have done well in a mommie's network anyway. Bitching Mama... somehow that just doesn't seem to fit in.

PS: I woke up from a bad nightmare this morning. .... I suddenly found out I was 35 weeks pregnant! ....ahhhh. pregnancy would be one of the most unfortunate (not tragical) things, which could possibly happen right now. Besides the fact that I am the sole provider at the moment (i.e. can't be out for childbearing reasons), I really don't want any extra kids at the moment.
At the same time, I know that I would be unable to terminate a pregnancy, as much as I am a pro-choice kinda woman. Not after almost not having Nayla. I can't imagine not having had her (hmm, grammar?) and I am infintely grateful for the influences that in the end (at the last moment, so to say) kept me from terminating.

Maia wants to go home to NY

Today as I was driving home from my dad's house Maia suddenly got angry in the backseat and whined: Mum, I don't like Austria anymore. I wanna go home. Take me to the airport right now.
Me: Take you to the airport right now?
Maia: Yes.
Me:Why don't you like Austria, baby?
Maia: It always rains and nobody speaks German.
Me: But that's not true. There are plenty of people who speak English. ...and wouldn't you miss your grandma and grandpa...and your new friends here?
Maia: I don't care. I wanna see my old friends. From my old school.

Finally, I gave up (or realized that I should be validating her feelings) and told her I missed NY, too, but that Austria - while very rainy - is also very beautiful.
And just then, God tore open the clouds and bathed us in a warming sunlight. SUUN, baby screamed! ;)

I am not making this up. And I am saying God, because it had been raining for WEEKS until this very moment of Maia's sadness.

live without regrets

I am going to stop listening to music, I've decided.
It just wakes emotions and I am sick and tired of the whole emotional crap. What happened to my good old "Nothing can break me-because really I just give a shit"-attitude? .......... It probably never really existed.
So, but ...I've realized now since I have no radio in my new going-to-work car (the Golf with the 253.000 miles on it) that it really is all for the better. It gives me time to think without getting all sentimental. No songs that remind me of my homesickness, lost friendships, or anything in the past.

I am, of course, looking for a carradio on ebay so really, I am just bullshitting with this whole "who needs music"-bit. ;)

I am trying hard not to make a sappy bitching entry. Despite the title of my blog I am trying to live by a new motto: I want to live without regrets.

I found this website called 43 things. It's pretty cool.
And maybe I'll find some inspiration.
This is where I got my above mentioned new motto from:
http://www.43things.com/people/progress/NinaWills/3039422

cheers!

getting dumber every year

Unlike the people captured in the above statistic, I think, I am getting dumber by the minute....but definitely dumber every year.
My short-term memory is completely shot, and things I used to figure out real quickly, I now don't get at all.
I wonder what it is. Is it my lack of studying? Is it the long non-challenging period I stuck with my last job?
Is it the lack of sleep, the crappy food I eat? Or am I just inevitably getting older and dumber? There must be ways to stop this degeneration of my braincells.
I even bought a mind-exercising book. Don't remember the name of it right now. ...sigh...as you can see it works very well.

The sad truth is that I am too damn lazy to do stuff I find an unneccessary waste of time. Like Sudoku. What the hell is the hype about?
I even suck at the kiddie sudoku Maia is playing (...the same thing but with images instead of numbers). I just lack the enthusiasm.

No, but seriously. I am too tired for all this but at the same time I am very frustrated about it.
At night, I fall into bed so exhaustedly that I am happy if I can keep my eyes open long enough to read for at least 5 minutes.

Reading Vanishing Point at the moment. Excellent novel, btw.

what the ..?!?

what the hell? where did all these people suddenly come from? I guess, that's from the link on The Hose. Now I feel all pressured to write ... more regularly anyway, for everyone knows a blog is like a plant. I needs to be tended to, or it will die.
I'd like to compare my blog to a cactus. If my blogspot faces the same death as my plants, I'll be seriously depressed. Not only because that would mean no-one is reading it anymore but - worse - because that would mean I haven't found time to write. Like now. I really don't have time to write so I am talking bullshit.

before I go...
News in short:

- bought a new car. well, actually...it's a few years old. And it has 253.000 miles on it. (cheers!)

- must find better job (to buy better cars)

- I crashed my other car. And I knew I was going to. Had a premonition (spelling?) minutes beforehand.

- Rosa, Lucas, and Rick (Lucas' dad) came to visit. It rained for days and yesterday it actually snowed (2 days before June, mind you). You can imagine the fun we had...or better the fun they had. I was just very happy Rosa was here. Rick I wanted to kill at the end of the week. He is like Dario (with his bad habits) times 4. He's also a very sweet guy but I now finally understand why Rosa cannot/doesn't want to be with him.

- one of my dearest best friends (Anita) is getting married and she asked someone else to be her maid of honor (something about that this friend of hers asked her a few months ago and she felt obligated to ask her in return). When she told me (thinking I don't care about crap like that) I started to cry like a bitch. It was embarrassing. I am way too emotional lately.

- we still don't have our stuff (from the move) and it's been 2 months.

my blog sucks

my God. look at the statistics of the DailyKos Blog...




I will refrain from posting my own statistics for self-preservatory purposes. Also, it would just really be sad to look at (in comparison).

Anywho.

happiness is not a matter of location

Reminder to myself: Happiness comes from WITHIN, dammit.

ok. so, I am trying to figure out how smart my move back to Austria was but I am too darn busy to really think about it. I guess, it also is just too early to evaluate...and ... somehow, I am convinced that my judgment is currently clouded by
a) too much work
b) the cold-ass temperatures (it is almost June, for Goodness sake)
c) the fact that I miss my friends with an incredible desperation

I know, that this place is best for my kids...at least, for the most part.
I generally feel safer...
Maia already got lost and returned in IKEA, disappears and comes back with all kinds of kids (usually girls a few years older than her) she makes friends with, goes to the neighbor's house to play, etc. etc.
I don't have to worry about schooling or healthcare, and I am already approved for the monthly child-credit from the state (about 180 Euros/kid).
She will soon walk to Kindergarden and then to school by herself and her/our lifestyle will be completely different. She will be a different child than if she were to grow up in the States (and in NYC)....tell me what you want - I can see it in the children here. They are very different in the way they are....more innocent, if you will. Dario pointed this out, as well.

However, despite all this, I have to think about what Rosa said to me: Don't sacrifice your own happiness for your child. They will be fine here or there.
But I am not sacrificing my happiness....I am just adjusting my preferences, I think. Sure, I like living in the States (maybe not in the big city anymore...it's too much stress....but I am sure I can find a nice spot somewhere)......but I think this environment here is best for my girls and isn't it my job to make sure I do what is best for my kids?

Now, if Dario becomes unhappy it will become a different story, for this is not his home....

Must see URLs

(totally on the web 2.0 trip)...

Specially for the New Yorkers:
http://local.alkemis.com/ (check traffic via live webcams, listen to police radio, check subway discrepancies, etc.)
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http://www.digg.com (a news portal with a new approach to editing)
http://www.netvibes.com/ (make your own personal portal - very dynamic. very fast. very cool)

http://www.placeopedia.com/ map stuff
http://www.wayfaring.com also map/traveling stuff

http://jumpcut.com/ make your own video online.
http://eyespot.com/ same thing as above
http://youtube.com/ (which, really, you should know by now)

http://del.icio.us/ (tagging - a real big thing here)

http://www.peekvid.com/
yeiiiiihhhh….I get to watch some US TV! They even have Grey’s Anatomy! ...no Gilmore Girls, though :( ....yes, I am a Girlmore Girl addict. There, ...now you know it.... and no, I am not ashamed of it. The dialogue is excellent in that show.

http://www.programmableweb.com/matrix this ...is just kinda cool ..if u are looking for a tool

what is the freaking point of love??

What is the point of love? I am just wondering.
...What is the genetic purpose for love?
I am just wondering because I have noticed how often love is so misplaced that it really messes with a whole array of otherwise well functioning parts of our lives.
Why is love so out of our control? Why can we not choose who to love and who not to love?
We should at least be able NOT to love the people we also hate, for whatever reason. Or NOT love the people who really would just destroy our lives and order as we know it.

So, what is the freaking point of love?
Why does it make us blind to the complete disaster it could cause?

People have killed because of love. People have lost their minds because of love. People have done a whole shitload of quite radical things because of fucking love.
Why can it not be controlled? The pragmatist that I am I would like an explanation or at least a freaking theory that makes sense in the genetic make-up of humans.
What is the biological purpose for love?

This is almost as unanswerable (is that a word??) as the question about why God seems to distribute good luck and horrible fates quite strangely sometimes....but at least there I am already in a completely different realm. The latter is more a philosophical question, whereas my first question is rather a scientific question.
Any theories? Anyone?