I read this article about public vs. private schools and this part almost made me cry. Not because of some dilemma about whether to go public or private (since I almost don't have a choice) but because of the so peripherally mentioned interaction between the author and his wife. Is this what marriage could be like or is he bullshitting? Or maybe he is just describing one of those few moments. I'm sure he's not sitting down in deep conversation with his wife every day, or is he?
[...]
We are not on a beach in France. The woman across the couch from me is not topless. I rub her feet. The boys are asleep. My wife and I toss out concerns like medicine balls.
“I’m sorry,” one of us says, “but I love the idea of smaller classes.”
“I’d like us all to see the Grand Canyon and Europe before they’re 18,” says the other.
"At private, he’ll have electives and better equipment.”
"Shouldn’t matter. The most important learning goes on outside the classroom.”
We feel like Faye Dunaway at the end of Chinatown.
[full article]
Only once would I like to sit down and have a dialogue about a subject concerning our kids in which both parties have done their research. I don't think Dario ever reads any of the articles I send him on raising kids and having a marriage. I think he just assumes, as long as I do my (our) homework we're good.
This is depressing. I need go find a cynical article about marriage now otherwise I'll stay depressed. And what is most depressing (yes, I have used the word three times now) is the fact that I'm in a relatively good phase right now.
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3 comments:
On Schooling: My wife and I are going through the admissions process right now for Horace Mann, Riverdale Country, and several other private schools in the City. When I first suggested the idea last spring, she was very skeptical. Her skepticism arose out of the steep price tags involved. A bit of convincing on my part finally got her to agree to at least apply and then worry about paying for it later. So, as you probably know, the application process is expensive and time consuming. It involves an open-house, a school tour, a student interview, a parents interview, a student essay, a student standardized test, a student shadowing day, and an endlos written application not to mention the fees for many of these things. A few weeks back we attended our first open-house at Horace Mann. It was nothing short of amazing, but rather than be more excited I found myself very cynical, even disgusted (perhaps that’s hyperbole) that a few kids can have that kind of an education while the vast majority of kids have no choice but to ‘make due’ with an inferior public education. I know some people might not think that is fair, but the economics of it alone tell the story. Public schools in NYC get about $9,000 per child/year they enroll. Meanwhile the independent schools here in the city ask parents to pay $29,000 per child/year. That’s more than three times the money per student, so one would expect three times the education. But just from the surface, the kids at Horace Mann are getting way more than three times the education.
On Marriage: I wouldn’t be fooled by deep conversation. My wife and I walked home from HM that day and had an absolutely splendid conversation about the kids that were ‘on display’ at the open-house and about the efficacy of promoting democratic values in a society where the primary and secondary educational system is so extremely polarized. In fact, I am lucky to have a marriage where such conversations are not all that uncommon. But, that said, it doesn’t make for matrimonial bliss. In fact, many of the entries about you and Dario read like carbon copies of the issues that my wife and I struggle with on a daily basis. Sometimes the parallels are absurdly comical in proportion. We are also young parents, my wife also struggles with depression, and all too often my loutish behavior would suggest that my own middle name is Dario! So hang in there. I don’t have all the answers, but keep in mind that even a few good conversations about the kids/marriage does not a good marriage make.
whoever you are, I thank you very much for your extensive comment. you've made my day ... of course, now I'm feeling all self-conscious about my writing. Sometimes, I just don't bother and write just how I'd say it. Well, I guess there's no point in pretending my blog is anything else than what it is. If anything, I can always use my "hey, this is not my first language"-excuse ;)
Anyway, about schooling: I wasn't even going to check out any private schools ($$) but after your report I feel compelled to at least look at some of them....and then get a couple of loans ;)
Thank you also for preparing me of what's ahead in terms of extensive administration/application process. I didn't think it was going to be this intense and extensive.
I guess I should have prefaced my comments by noting that my daughter is ten and will be entering the sixth grade next year—not kindergarten. We moved to the Bronx three years ago, as she was about to start the second grade. We were late in the game so we had no choice but to enroll her in the local public school that we were zoned for and it turned out to be worse than we could have imagined. For a good portion of the year, in fact, she was instructed in a language other than English! Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not that we don’t want her to learn other languages, it’s just that it’s a little difficult to learn all the other things you are supposed to learn in second grade if you don’t have a clue as to what your teacher is saying!
So after a year of frustration the next summer we decided to apply for a ‘No Child Left Behind’ waiver and not being satisfied with the results of that (one of our choices was a terrific school… in Staten Island) we ultimately got a variance (another painfully bureaucratic experience) and she was able to start the third grade at a very wonderful public school up in Riverdale. She’s been there for two and a half years now and we are really happy. Unfortunately, the school only goes through the fifth grade, and then the students move on to middle school. We may still send her to a public middle school, but we’re hoping to get enough financial aid to make one of the private choices possible.
Even had it been financially possible, I’m not sure, though, that I would have paid the 29k a year starting from kindergarten. Clearly, many of the students we talked to at the private schools have been there since kindergarten or even pre-kindergarten. Doing the math, it’s pretty amazing. Were one to pay the full tuition for two children to go to these schools for 14 years, that’s just shy of a million dollars for an education that many people expect to be free. The bright side of it, I guess, is that paying another four years for their college education wouldn’t be anything out of the ordinary!
As far as schools go, my advice would be to not assume that your kids will have to go to a particular public school. Shop around and find a public school that will fit your family’s needs and schedule. Once you find a place where your family will be happy, then it is just a matter of starting the game early and being patient as you jump through all the hoops that will be required. Raising kids in the city is not easy, but (from my humble perspective) it’s worth every bit of frustration.
Don’t be too hard on your writing; it’s both impressive and insightful, especially your ability to recount dialogue and draw meaning from it. Plus, my writing tends to the uber- orchestrated and does not make for good comparison. I would imagine that writing is for me, what your photography is to you. Glad to hear I made your day. More than once I finished reading an entry of yours with a smile on my face! I owed you. ;-)
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