I'm back

For those of you who don't know me this is the continuation of the following blog:

http://austrianchick.blogspot.com

Also known as the "bitchin' mama" blog ...or "an austrian in 'da Bronx" blog.

So, and here I am again. I couldn't think of a good blogname. I liked "bitchin' mama" but that's taken (by me;). So, it is now "I feel like Carrie Bradshaw... if she were a mama" I kept the same template, although I could have probably tried something new. Apparently I don't deal well with change. That and I wanted to tie it in with my old blog.

I tell you it's no easy feat not having a blogspot for so long (...well, 2 weeks?). My head is spinning from all the sh*t I wanted to write down but will probably not be able to reproduce as one coherent piece of text. That's why I'm not even going to try.

To update the few people who have come with me to this new blogspot, I have broken up with Dario last week and it just totally sucks. I don't want this separation to end in anything bad (divorce!) but I think it has to be done (the temporary separating, I mean). I'm talking about where he could move to for a little while, and he's talking about who he could bang for a little while. So, you see we are totally on the same page.

My mother, who is a family therapist in Austria is telling me that my plan is simply stupid. "No relationship gets fixed by breaking up, darlin'", she says, "that's a myth. ... If you want to improve your relationship you need to work on it - while you are TOGETHER."
She is probably right but I am so tired of being the stereotypical woman. The woman, who always has to make things work. The woman, who always has to start and carry the dialogue in the relationship. The woman, who has to just deal with the fact that she is married to a man.

I just cannot believe that all men are the same. I just can't. This can't be true, can it?
I am married to Raymond, to Doug, to all these testosterone-high, infantile guys on the beer, pizza, and burger commercials. That is Dario and that is what the stereotypical man appears to be. What is going on?

I am so disillusioned and frustrated at the moment. So, if this separation really is going to be pulled through, I will be the men-hating female, and he'll be the happy, promiscuous re-enstated bachelor.

The weird thing is that I really do love him and I don't want him to go anywhere. And he loves me, too. My mother says that this is the key-element of the situation. If you don't love him or vice versa, then you would need to go. But you like each other very much and that is not a thing to be taken for granted, she says.

It is really hard to pretend you don't love someone but to pretend that nothing is wrong is much harder.
At this point, I just need an instructions manual (i.e. a therapist).
I need someone to tell me how I should properly react to the things that drive me nuts about D.
I need someone to reinforce the idea that my spouse is NOT responsible for my happiness.
I told my friend Rosa that I am going to talk to him but first I would have to prepare a list of the things that I will change. One of the things would be that I will take 2 or 3 nights a week, and they will be mine. They will be mine to go work out, to go photograph, to do whatever to regain my balance and keep my sanity (in exchange, I will just deal with the fact that I have to carry 80% of our household matters - i.e. stress). However, to make this possible the one thing I would need from Dario is to not give me a guilt trip about it. I just don't want to hear it, I said, to which Rosa told me that this should not be my concern. He is entitled to bitch. He is entitled to express himself. That should not affect how I feel about my time off. It is not connected, she said.
But it is, isn't it? If I wouldn't take that time off he wouldn't have to deal with the two kids by himself. You have to stop trying to make him happy in order for him to allow you to be happy. It's true ... I always leave with the kids either in bed, ready for bed (or if it is during the daytime one napping the other one fed and occupied).

I don't know what's going to happen but I really hate not being with him. If only I wouldn't love him. Also, it isn't exactly an easy decision when kids are involved, either. But I'm thinking better earlier than later. This sucks. sucks. sucks.