farewell ....and excerpt of my letter to Maia

this will be my last post here. farewell to my readers and thanks for the ones who always came back. problem is that - even though there are 80 million blogs out there, mine seems to - repeatedly - be found and identified by people I know and if you have been reading my blog for a while then you know that I would like to remain anonymous. after all, this is a vent for all my bitch energy...and I don't want it to affect any of the people mentioned in it - namely, Dario (as much as he drives me crazy sometimes). so,..thanks for checking in. there is plenty of old stuff to read (the first entry on this blog even refers to my very first blog - ...i see a pattern here..).
well, chances are I would have started to repeat myself now anyway.

here now my last post. maia is all recovered now, btw. (she/we spent two weeks in the hospital)

wrote this in the hospital. it is part of an ongoing letter I am writing to Maia (whenever I have time). Maia is turning five
January 7, 2007 1:30am

I am sitting here next to you while you are sleeping. We are in the hospital because you have pneumonia and weren’t able to keep down the prescribed antibiotics. Every time we administered them you threw it back up (together with the little food you had eaten.) By the end of the day (Friday – before yesterday) you were so weak, your grandfather (the doctor in the family) ordered us to take you to the hospital immediately. You were brought back to your strength with an IV (full of nutrition) but you had to stay here to receive the antibiotics intravenously, as well. I stayed the night and the morning while your dad came for the afternoon into the early evening. Nayla is not allowed on this floor because you are in the infectious disease ward for kids – nice, huh? ;)

Anyway, this is your second night. If we were in the US right now this would probably cost us thousands of Dollars – but we are still here in Austria and it is all part of the free health insurance.
However, as great as the social net might be here (education is free, too…that’s gonna hurt once you go to college – and you BETTER go to college!;) ) we are still planning to return to New York City. It’s a long story but to make it short: I have no more job (first I quit, took it back, but then we actually separated in consensual terms), the tenants in our NY apartment are still not paying, and we are out of options (i.e. money).
We were in NY for a few days over x-mas (you and I), for I had to go to court because of the tenant issue (unfortunately, the judge dismissed the case due to a formality and we have to start all over again, trying to get these people, who are feeding off of our savings, out of our house.) Anyway, you loved being back at your old school and seeing your old friends, so I think (hope) you’ll be happier growing up in the U.S.

Just do me one favor, darling …. Please, please don’t become one of them. What do I mean by that? I mean, please don’t become a statistic. Please don’t become the "average"(?) teenage girl, driven by superficiality and the pressure of what other kids might think of her; who gives sex as if it doesn’t matter at all, who has no self-esteem and doesn’t consider oral sex – well, sex, who cuts herself, tries any drug because everyone else is or who lies as if it were an athletic discipline.

I highly doubt that you will be any of these things, for you are already very defined in who you will be – a strong, sweet, very smart and independent woman. However, I did want to bring to your attention of what fears I carry around with me already (and you are not even five, yet). What I have to remember, and you, too, is also that…NO MATTER WHAT….I will always love you. But, I tell you one thing: honesty is one of my most highly valued principles and that will really always win you the big plus points.

I am probably not supposed to tell you this (especially, since I have no idea when I will be giving you this letter) but just so that you know, I have also been young once and I have learned some things the hard way (or sometimes, I just got lucky….and not everyone can be lucky all the time, so I’d prefer you’d be smarter than I).
One of the worst things I probably ever did was to have unprotected sex. “Just got carried away in the moment” (and mind you, I was 19 already, when I lost my virginity).
Giving in because there is no condom available at the moment is probably THE DUMBEST thing you could do, for the consequences are life-changing. I realized this afterwards, when I was scared to death about pregnancy (your grandmother got pregnant when she was 15 - granted she was a hippie, too...you know...free love and all - but I always was under the impression she felt like she missed out on her youth. Heck, I feel like I missed out and I got pregnant at 26…intentionally! ;)). Anyway, what scared me even more, of course was the fear of having caught AIDS. I was lucky but I didn’t forget those months of fear and that horrible week of waiting for my blood results.
One night is enough. And I could have thrown it all away in that one night.

Ach, it all sounds so dry and cliché when I am writing it down like this and, I guess, you have to learn a lot from your own experiences but just USE your brain and always try to THINK AHEAD, when you do questionable things.

I probably don’t have to tell you about any of these things, for you are a lot like me (careful, thoughtful, never forgetting what you have learned or are being warned of). Unfortunately, growing up without my mother, there were a lot of things I wasn’t warned of, so I had to figure that out by myself. Men and boys for example. A whole story to itself. [I wonder, if my mother has figured that out herself, actually...]

Other things most teenagers think about (but the smart ones hopefully will not consider seriously, for it’s almost as dumb as having unprotected sex):
> suicide (there was a brief time in my life when I thought that would be the easiest way out (until I lived through the suicides of several other friends and realized how sad it would be to throw a life away, which surely won’t always be this dreadful and bad).

> running away (I had whole trips completely planned out – my favorite escape route lead to Canada).

> dropping out of school (I was sixteen when I fought my dad about that issue – I wanted to become either an auto mechanic or a carpenter – HA!) ….

Things I (thankfully) wasn’t ever weak enough to get into: any drugs other than a bit of pot (never got drunk, never took a trip, nothing…and no, I am not a lame prude. Well, what can I say - I am a control-freak, which I am sure you know by now. ;) ….Losing control of my body and mind, would just have been a nightmare for me.
(so, if you ever think you have to do any of this sh*t – make sure you do your research and don’t do it alone….but I prefer, you DON’t …and I can tell you loads of stories why you shouldn’t and why I ultimately didn’t do it…. But to give you a quick glimpse: I once knew a guy who walked around talking to his darts…and all he had done is taken one trip that just messed up his brain somehow…and he kept on having flash-backs.) But given the fact of how much of a control freak you are already (at the tender age of 4), I think, I might not have to fear you going into this stuff either.

So, now that I’ve gotten some of the sex and drugs (I am leaving out Rock n’ Roll) talk into this letter, I guess, I am going to have to give this thing a PG rating. I wonder what this will have to be. Judging from all the stories I hear it would have to be a PG-13, as much as I would like it to be a PG-17….or let’s be honest, a PG-21. ;)

And just so you know where this is all coming from right now: I have been like a sponge about teenage girlhood ever since you were born. Books and movies that have unsettled me: “Thirteen” (movie), “Queen bees and Wannabees” (book – and “Mean Girls”, the movie it was turned into), “The Tenth Circle” (book, I just finished), and countless articles, stories from friends and colleagues, and real-life encounters with today’s teenage kind. ;)

So, dare to be different, baby. Be who you are and not who others expect you to be.

Love you. Love you. Love you.
(and for now – at this moment – get well, so that I can take you home!)
PS: can you give that whole (unprotected) sex, drugs, and other stupidities section to your sister, too? I might copy it over to her letter later but right now it is getting really late and my eyes are falling shut (the doc is going to wake us in a few hours – to give you the next antibiotic shot).

finally: a decision

New York or Vorarlberg? I have finally - finally - made my decision and I tell you it is liberating to know what to do. I am not sure why or how it happened that I stopped guessing what would be the best next step but I can tell you it was a process that took many many weeks...if not months.

The final decision I made on my last day at the job. I made sure it was final by writing an unmistakable final good-bye e-mail to my colleagues at work. I don't know if I have blogged this but I was actually in line for a newsphotographer job at the local paper here. There are many reasons I withdrew my official application with that mail (I BCC-ed the chief of photography) but one of them was that I felt like I was settling for mediocrity in my trade. HAH, my trade... photography isn't my trade (yet) ...it is my passion...so I find it amusing how snobby I am in this matter. This could also have been a great chance to get into the field. You don't just apply to become a photojournalist you have to work your way there. This could have been my first step but honestly, I think, it wouldn't have done my work (i.e. style) too good. The local paper here has certain standards of what photographs they like to print. The main problem is, I suppose, that the journalist picks the photos...when there should be a photo-editor.

I did a few gigs for them, though. And all my colleagues (it is the same building I worked in) kept putting in words of praise for me (as I was told on my interview with the chief of photography), and I must say it was fun to do these shoots .... BUT ...ach you know what..never mind...I am rambling here ....and there is nothing worse than a rambling blog.

So, ....don't think I have officially announced the decision, yet:
We are moving back to New York City.

I am not sure, whether this is the right decision or not but it feels like it is the way it should be. My father always says, a right decision is something you can feel. You just feel lighter afterwards.

I regret nothing, though. I am glad we made this move, although financially it has set us back immensely. I learned a lot, I worked hard, we saw a lot, strengthened our family ties, and rediscovered the values of a simpler life, an evironmental consciousness, kindness to strangers, and more self-initiative.
I spent time refreshing good old friendships, and build a strong new one.
I learned to have more patience but most of all I learned to live without regrets. Things turned out so difficult here for us (or me, mostly...the one who seemed to carry all the responsibilty) I realized, there is absolutely no point in pondering about the "woulda-shouldas" (would haves and should haves) .

There is a sadness that comes with this decision, too.
Most difficult, I find leaving my friends, my parents (even though, their messed up relationships with their "new" mates cast a shadow on us, as well), and this closeness to nature.
I guess, I will also miss the courtesy of the people and the spinkin'-spank (spelling??!) clean streets. People just don't throw anything on the streets here. Oh, and I will miss our fire-place (NOT the cold apartment that made me have to use it all-year-round), and the ease of family-activities.
Sounds like I am writing a tourist brochure here....


two days ago...coming down from sledding on The Boedele


Nayla up on The Boedele (15 min. from us)


A Welcome Back message to Maia from one of the neighborhood kids.


I think I might have a mid-life crisis, by the way.
Or maybe it is just another version of my ongoing identity crisis. ;)
Another one suffering under my crisis is Dario.... he is getting a lot of "bitchin'" and much less "mama" from me lately.
Well, what do you want from me. We are going on 11 years together.
That's just not normal. ;)
No, but seriously.... I really could use a break. And he is not even being bad.
I am sure he wouldn't mind getting me out of his life for a little bit, either. I am just on his case, all the time.
But for now,....we are still trying to blame it all on PMS.

Before I go, another book-tip. ......... another? when have I given any booktips? Well, anyway...this one is keeping me up at night lately (this and the fact that I am still jetlagging badly) it is another Jodi Picoult novel. I've read "Vanishing Acts" in the summer and loved it.
Now I am reading "The Tenth Circle" and it is just excellently written. Took me a moment to get into the story but she just writes so damn well that is easy to get totally involved into just about any scenario.

lesson learned: don't ever be a landlord!

things have been happening fast over here...

Last week my brother-in-law called me to tell me that I would have to come in personally for the "final" court-date (in the proceedings of getting my non-paying tenants out of my place). Since I don't have the money to be supporting these dead-beats another 6 months, I decided to get a plane ticket and fly over (to NY). I arrived Wednesday evening and stood in court with my bro-in-law the next morning, while Maia went to kindergarden with her little buddy Lucas (Rosa's son).

The court-date was frustrating as expected and my damn honesty got me - once again - into a bad position. The case was dismissed. The problem was that P (my brother-in-law) started the petition in Dario's name, not realizing that he isn't on that sublease. He also only served the wife (whose husband had apparently moved out), which was another mistake, for he is on the lease and thus must be served. This was only one of many little complications. P (my brother-in-law) was telling me: whatever you do, don't show them the lease. It was just a formality (a mistake in proceedings) but it could cost us the case. And what do I do the moment the judge asks me for the lease? I give it to him. P was scolding me for hours after but what can I do? I can't help it. I am not built that way. You ask me a question and I will tell you the truth.

By now these people owe us 10K and our savings are gone. The woman is about to start Chemotherapy next week. I have no job, she has no job. It is just a bad situation. The court-attorney gave us the price for most terrible and complicated case of the month and told me to get an attorney, which I cannot afford, or to come to an agreement outside of the court system.

So, I made an appointment with Sandra (the wife) to sit together in the evening (together with the husband she is separated from but still lives with). Apparently, Sandra's brother also felt like he had to contribute to the conversation. He really brought me to the boiling point. Apparently, he also lives there now. Has no place to go and I am not sure, whether he has a job.

My apartment has nothing in it, except a big screen TV and my old couch. The kitchen looked like it hadn't been mopped in months, and when I sat there listening to their bullshit I really felt like a big fat "sucka".
Andrew, you have been working all this time, haven't you? I said to the husband.
Yes, he responded.
And your name is on the lease.
Yes.
So why the hell have you not paid me a penny? nothing!!?? I don't understand how you live with yourself, I then said adressing the two men. You are two grown men, older than me, working, and you are living off of me! Me, who I have 2 small kids, only one income which is probably half of what you make.... I just don't get it....have you no self-respect?

I was so pissed and these guys had no answers and apparently no solutions or options. But you know what, I AM NOT AN OPTION EITHER!
I am soooo pissed.aaargh. and to think ..I am sitting here in Rosa's apartment (above my place) and they are screaming to the music that they're blasting as if everything is just dandy...

but OK...they wanna go ghetto on me ..... I have enough ghetto in me to give that right back.
If I am not posting anymore, you know my ghetto self-justice plan of evicting them my own way hasn't worked. ...then you might be able to check me out on bitchingmamainjail.blogspot.com ;)

nah...but seriously....I don't know what to do anymore.... I have no place to go...I am paying for an apartment I don't live in....and I am out of money.....maybe it's time to call in my ghetto friends to play marshall.

i am a libra. final decisions are really not my thing.

damn. I've been changing my decision on what to do like every 5 minutes during the past few days.
I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I am going nuts. and what's worse is that I seem to be the only one wrecking their brain about this life-changing decision. Dario just always surfs along and then complains afterwards (regardless of the decision). His feedback is pretty empty. No real thought behind it....a reflection of his phlegmatic ways.

And no matter what the final decision will be, I will be the one who has to carry all the consequences (resulting work, organisation, etc.).

I am tired of being the one to run this family. I need TEAMWORK, damnit.

life (..hey I had this title a few posts ago!)

i've been gone for a little while. busy. and then my dear girlfriends were visiting from NY. We went to Italy. I've got a lot to write. but now it is 2:35 in the morning, so I am just going to post this chat I had this evening with one of my best friends. Since it did take me away from blogging. ;)
----------
Vernon: sisi you there?
yay!!!
me: u always start talking and then that's it ur gone again is this a new game
Vernon: you gotta be quickgame? I wish
El presidente! remember.
plus, you know, work is crazy.
me: i know i've heard
Vernon: plus, you know, evi just finished her first trimester-- I'm sure you can relate.
how's your life? i don't see nearly enough photo updates!
me: busy like crazy
Vernon: i'm hoping that means you have a supremely happy family-life, so busy making fun that you have no time for pursuing... well, i guess that answers that.crazy busy with what?
me: work. managing household & kids stuff (lot of admin. crap, too), trying to find new place and mostly new job haven't watched tv in months...movies: very rarely
books sit untouched on my nighttable as I hit the pillow exhaustedly every night, the house still could need a woman's touch
or a very tidy man's
Vernon: what about work prospects?
sometimes I work 16-18 hour days and then watch a 2 hour movie to unwind especially when I'm insomniac
me: wow ...u really have gone workaholicrazy
Vernon: sometimes all this work keeps the brain churning and escaping into a movie is the best way to turn it off.
me: i am dying for some new moviematerial
Vernon: i saw veronica mars on DVD and thought of you --- Tower is going out of business at the end of the month and they have a hug sell going on now.
me: REALLY?VM?how come?I looove her
huge sale...like how mcuh?and for what?
Vernon: 20-40%, it gets cheaper every week because they have to be out by month's end.
Vernon: I'm taking German at downtown Tuesdays and Thursdays so I stop by on my way home after getting off the crosstown bus. EVERYTHING MUST GO!
me: wow.
Vernon: oh, I read a blog of someone else who loves veronica mars --- http://www.blogography.com/ he acts like a bit of a selfish ass, but he can be funny, plus he writes an entry every single day
me: how do u know i like VM btw?
Vernon: i feel the same way about VM as I did when I used to watch it with you..girlpower--- yuck
me: oh right --LOL
Vernon: when i see her i talk about more important stuff-- like office gossip.
me: so why are u watching it on dvd then?
Vernon: i didn't get it, i just thought of you when I saw it on the shelves.
me: ooh ...ok...misunderstood ...
one sec...mom calling again
me: uff...she called to remind me that I was supposed to come join her at the long night of games this evening
that it is almost midnight now doesn't seem to bother her
she just got to the "spielothek" = gamelibrary
Vernon: she's got you home now
me: i am kinda comfortable on my couch right now...but this gamenight is happening in our village...so I should probably take advantage of the convenience of the action for a change
she's got you home now - what u mean?
Vernon: taking advantage of it
me: u mean in austria?
Vernon: yup
me: right. my dad came to visit twice this week. that's new
should i go play games? I was going to do some reflection tonight....
Vernon: if you feel like it, obviously she called so somebody wants you there...
me: meanwhile I have been chatting most of the eve ;)
Vernon: reflecting on what?
me: what I REALLY want
what would REALLY be best to do next
to stay or to go
now is when I have to decide.
Vernon: good grief, you do too much of that in large chunks.
i do a little bit every day, keeps the edge off.
me: lol i do, too....but fact is..I have to make a life-changing decision soon and that is just a big freakin chunk by nature
Vernon: what's the decision?
me: to stay or to go back because if I decide to stay...we are staying...that's it
Vernon: indeed.
me: I mean .... it has to be something really grave then for us to go back
Vernon: if I
me: I don't want to yank the kids out of their lives like that
Vernon: so nobody else has any say?
me: i wish D would have more to say...
Vernon: you guys living in a matriarchy?
me: more feedback
Vernon: indeed.
me: he'd be fine anywhere he says
Vernon: we don't even need to go there.then you do live in a matriarchy!
me: well, hellooo....welcome to the my family reality.
Vernon: good thing you didn't crank out any boys then
me: lol yup...maia has a lot to say nowadays, too
she is going to be making the decisions soon
Vernon: i think she will mostly be making the decision about whether you stay or go
the needs of the girls outweight the needs of the Sisi
me: ... i guess...or at least that's what i have to figure out
i have been advised not to do that by several of my girlfriends (mothers) including my own mom. there is no point in location when the mother is depressed or unavailable
Vernon: indeed
me: most important is the home
Vernon: that's how you end up unhappy and you definately pass that onto the kids.
me: no matter where it's location right...
Vernon: unhappy parents make unhappy children who turn into unhappy adults.
me: so....my whole reflection thing has to happen in layers.
Vernon: break the cycle!choose happiness!
me: one: why is it that I am carrying this somewhat constant sadness with me
Vernon: unhappy parents make unhappy children who turn into unhappy adults.that's part of it
me: my father isn't unhappy...neither is my mom...at least they did not convey it to me that way
surprising actually cuz they went through a lot of sht especially in the past few years..
Vernon: when you were a kid?
me: when I was a kid, ..what?
Vernon: i'm not talking about them being happy now, i'm talking about when you were a kid and they were going through crazy shit. those formative years really shape your identity.
me: oh..no...my parents never showed their personal emotions to us they were our parents
Vernon: but i suppose i should listen to the story instead of speculating. maybe you're just a wacko mutant
me: one time my mother even told me that it isn't good for me to hear her personal problems
Vernon: who fell far from the family tree.
me: I think,...in a way that is right...it worries children
Vernon: maybe their genes just didn't mix right--- sort of an inverse-inbreding.
me: what are u suggesting?
if anything, they didn't make me dull enough
i think too damn much
Vernon: yeah, i think repressed parents screw up their kids, in some ways worse than demonstrative bad parents -- because kids can feel it even if it isn't discussed and it gives them confused signals that they internalize into their personalities.
me: should I be happy, should I be sad, why is it that I am sad, mabye it is in my mind,blahblahblahblah
Vernon: i used to be sad all the time, then i learned to stop trying to figure it out and accept it, but i also learned that i have to make choices that make me happy in the short and long term.
me: i never felt damaged by my childhood...it has affected me in who I am, no doubt.....but all in all I recall my childhood to be a very happy one. until the divorce that is
Vernon: took me about 34years to learn that.
me: what choices?
Vernon: short and long run. well, there are things that happen unconciously
i used to insist that I was one of the happiest people I knew---let me tell you, i was in denial. me: one sec...phone
Vernon: i'll just carry on and let you catch up when you get back....
me: k
Vernon: something I've kind of observed about you is that your unhappiness and sadness and discontent follows you around like a cloud, because you carry them around.
Vernon: Seems to me you were plenty unhappy before you had the girls, and after you had the girls; when you lived in New York, when you moved to Austria; i'm trying to think of other psychological spaces you've been in, but you've been gone too long for me to remember them in a pinch.
Vernon: i think you have a hard time being satisfied with the riches you have, because you always seem to think the riches across the fence will be more fulfilling and valuable somehow.
all the while you have a very wealthy and enviable life.
a life that in material terms is probably better than probably between 70-80% of the folks on the planet.
Vernon: decent husband, beautiful kids, head full of valuable skills and a keen appreciation of art and literature, portable job skills, language skills, friend-making skills-- a sharp mind, a pretty figure, good health. i think if I were to rank you on a scale from 1 to 10, I'd say you were an 8.
minus one point because your sense of humor needs some work-- fix that and you'd probably feel much less sad.
minus one point because you take everything to goddamned seriously. leave a little room in your life for uncontrolled chaos-- chaos visits us all, so they're no point panicking about it.omigod, i'm going crazy with the monologue here. I should be doing dishes!
me:---HEY, I have an excellent sense of humor...just not yours. .... I like subtlety (spelling?), and sarcasm.... people sometimes seem to mistake sarcasm for just plain and blunt personal attacks and yes...I do take everything too damn seriously but that also gets all the shit done in this place
Vernon: i reckon. where I come from sarcasm and humor are too different things. i know folks who are sarcastic and funny, i know other folks who are sarcastic and earnest
your sarcasm comes off very earnest
besides, I didn't say you didn't have a sense of humor, i said it needs some work. don't be so defensive!

Vernon: case in point: my dad could have been a much worse father than he was, but as it is he was a pot head, womanizer, deadbeat (for my 2nd through 8th years), he smoked crack, caught AIDS, beat (not spanked, beat) his children regularly, made innumerable ill-adviced, selfish choices. But you know what? My sister and I turned out okay and we love him enough to keep him involved in our regular lives.
Vernon: My point is-- you and your kids can handle whatever life throws at you as a result of the choices you make. You don't have to make all the "right" choices, or all the "best" choices for things to turn out alright. I need to wash some dishes -- apparently I live in a matriachy too. Give me a holler when you've caught up. I'm just in the next room.
me: sorry....still on phone...brb

me: I think how kids come out always involves some sort of luck
Vernon: yeah. you need to lower your standard for happiness. find a way to be satisfied with simple joys instead of waiting for the full enchilada
me: SOMEtimes I even think it depends for the most part on just what kind of character that person has
something genetic mabye
i don't know
would be interesting to study
Vernon: yeah, well, luck plays a small role, fun and effort and happiness and feeling the love are much more important. well nature and nurture both have their roles.
me: and I dare say nature is more powerful....
Vernon: we may inherit predispositions, but nurture can change them.
it's hard to be unhappy if you are showered with love and support your whole life.
me: when u look at all kinds of families...why are there always the normal (good) ones, and then the ones that just can't get their act together?
...showering someone with love (especially a rebellious teenager) is probably a hard thing to do for most people and still....there are plenty of kids who come out of that ok (eg. you-maybe)?Vernon: this will probably be a very difficult thing for you to accomplish, but I think you should put a lot of effort into learning not to worry so much.
me: i am trying
right now i have to otherwise I'd be going nuts no job
Vernon: i think that's what really saved me was knowing that my dad did what he did out of love and caring-- he was selfish, no doubt, but my sister and I knew that he loved and cared.
me: -50 bucks in the bank and we are only half way through the month
Vernon: because it's too easy to be an deadbeat black father in america -- many, many many black fathers are absent.
me: and no apartment (soon anyway)
Vernon: you'll be fine.
me: how did u know? especially since he left for a few years
Vernon: i cannot tell you how many months we lived with less than 50 bucks for an entire month. in winter as preteens.
me: shoot
Vernon: what doesn't kill us makes us stronger-- and with your folks handy, you won't be dying anytime soon.
me: it's winter now....too
Vernon: it won't kill you.
me: lol right
Vernon: wait and see.
me: but u know how frugal I am and how paranoid about debt
always watching what gets spent
I guess, that's because there was no family for me in NY
Vernon: just like kids are good at adapting, so are parents. at least good ones.
me: and I didn't (and still don't) want to borrow big amounts of money (not from my parents)Vernon: then take little ones.that's what family is for.my dad hates taking money from me and sometimes i hate giving it, but...
me: My pride sucks
Vernon: that's what family is for.
pride vs. hungry children....hmmmmm....ask maia how she feels about that?
me: we would need it so badly...but there is NO way I am going to ask
they are not going to starve
Vernon: "Mommy, what's pride?"
it's the feeling in you stomach
me: LOL
..but maybe the light bill might not get paid.....or something like that.
ok. I'm gonna go now
it is 1:40am
Vernon: ok. g'nighty.nice chatting with you, finally!
me: rub your wifey's preggo belly for me
Vernon: indeed.she's getting twice as big everyday.
me: can't wait to see that babyyy
Vernon: indeed.
me: send pics!!!
Vernon: milk chocolate.
me: ttylniteynite
Vernon: smooch
and
we
are
your
family!
damnit.
me: for that You deserve a fat smooch back!
so long m'friend
Vernon: lata
Vernon: hard times make for great stories
usually in retrospect
enjoy the hard times!
me: ya.
thanks
well, ...last year around that time I yearned for change....now, I've got change alright
Vernon: careful what you ask for!usually you get it.
me: i get that feeling

life goes on even if you don't know what's coming tomorrow

After a little nervous-breakdown last week, which might be partially attributable to PMS, I am now still a little depressed but generally in a state of acceptance.
So, I have no job. So, my tenants have screwed me over and are pushing me into financial ruin. So, I am soon without a place to live.
What will come will come.
Life has passed me the unlucky card. It's not that unlucky anyway. It could be MUCH worse and I am grateful this is all I got. I've been wondering when it is my turn. My life has been too good.
It's time for some character building (...which in my case still seems to manifest in a light depression...but I'll work on that.)

Of course, this whole "Zen-ly" state of acceptance isn't so easy with my annoyingly over-analytical mind. Really, sometimes I wish I would be a bit more superficial and self-involved. It would be so much easier if I could, let's say, focus on my hair, my wardrobe, and my daily life. Instead, I have to go all out and add (to my daily crap) worries about humanity, the potential dangers for my kids everywhere, the world....
Maybe I've been too much on top of the news lately. Meanwhile, I KNOW this is just life. This is how people are and have been forever.

I should be getting wiser but really I am becoming more neurotic over the years. I've been wondering lately, where that optimistic, rational, strong, never-shedding-a-tear young woman I used to be has gone. Is it that life-experience let's us lose hope?

Geez, this blog is turning into a really depressing read lately. If you hop back a few months you will see that I used to write much differently. Yes, always bitching and moaning, but always with a lighter touch and a humorous angle. Also, my English is beginning to suck.

This too shall pass.

fears of admitting one's heritage...

don't have much time to blog...so here an e-mail conversation I just had with a very good friend of mine in NYC.

shelly sends:
INTERNATIONAL / EUROPE October 11, 2006 Across Europe, Worries on Islam Spread to Center By DAN BILEFSKY and IAN FISHER More people in the political mainstream are arguing that Islam cannot be reconciled with European values.

---------- sisi writes:
interesting article and while it contains many true stories it also seems to have a pretty subjective angle. It worries me when I see NYTimes reporters taking on such an unobjective (uninformed) perspective....

All in all the (recent..and not that recent) developments world-wide make me very sad. People are so blind...on all sides....it seems like destiny that we are at constant conflict. God is testing us all and we are failing shamefully.

What disconcerns me as well is my own behavior. I am almost afraid to admit my heritage nowadays. I hope this doesn't all escalate one day. We all remember too painfully where the hatred against an entire people can lead (think WWII, think Sudan, think Yugoslavia, ...and I'm sure you can add plenty more. ... even in the U.S. hatred can escalate on levels that are dangerous...i.e. governmental levels (think Guantanamo, and similar, think Japanese internment camps, think post-9/11 1800-Tipps and the mass-detainment of anyone classifiable Muslim (and male).....

it is all fucked up.
this world is fucked up!
s. :< ------shelly writes: Ms., Good Morning: I do agree. I sent this to you because I didn't like that Austria was specifically mentioned-it made me very worried for you and your family. S., never be afraid of admittance of your heritage. I do understand your feeling on it; I have not been the keenest on being like yeah, I amPakistani. Remember this, there is no shame in who you are, though thruhistory people have denied who they were fearing persecution, I think the guilt that one persecutes themselves with is far worse than death. I had theopportunity to have lunch with Tina and Eve with my parents on Sunday(Jimmy had a b'day party his mom forgot about-whatever). Eve told me that people think she is Indian and I said well you know your dad was Pakistani, you should correct that- Tina immediately jumped in to say, it doesn't matter it is the same! Really, unless all you identify yourself as Punjabi, it is not the same. Growing up, we were offended, what, Indian? No way, we are Pakistani......how funny that the response has changed, maybe even sad. Be proud, practice as you see fit, and remember, no matter what, your dignity and faith can not be taken from you. I have already decided that I would be willing to die for my beliefs. If someone asked me if I was a Christian , I would say yes, regardless that there are horrible associations, in the end I am a follower of Christ, not mankind and that makes me Christian. Did you hear of the shootings in Pennsylvania's Amish country? Please readup on it. They have been a beacon in the world of not being ashamed of what others think and proved it by their forgiveness and willingness to grieve with the man who had killed their childrens' family. How is that for modern day faith?!
Ok, sorry that this is heavy. I love you and your family Sisi, and I would stand up for you in a heartbeat, now and forever.

Love till Chocolate Shakes-
Shelly

--------sisi writes:
hey girl,

yeah that Amish shooting story and the way the community embraces the shooters wife and children was amazing but, of course, mostly very sad (these poor children;( .

Ironically, I've been more on top of the news here (including US news and especially its foreign policies) than when I lived over there. I guess, it is that Europeans live within such close borders, they are just more inclined (and used) to looking across them.
Also, ..I mean...I work in a news-agency now...so...I see new stories coming in every few minutes.

It's scary how many shootings (and almost shootings) there have been in the States within the past week or so... Is this a recent thing...or did I not pay attention over there...or has it become such a common thing the news doesn't pick it up every time?

When will the government see that letting their citizens carry guns or keep guns at home usually only leads to accidents. I mean, what is the point of civilians being able to carry guns? So, they can defend their property?? ... that's what the police is for, no?

Alright, enough ranting for today.
It ain't better here. Shit happens here, too.
Maybe not that often or at the tragedy levels like in this huge country called USA...but enough crap. I guess, it would be fairer to compare the US with all of Western & Southern Europe and we'll probably be at the same level of human f*cked-up-ness. ;) (uuh, I think we can make this a word!)

And back I am at my loss of faith in human goodness.
sigh.
s.
PS: that story with Tina is just sad. She really seems to have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that her family consists of more than just white people. She might never learn...but I trust that her children will find their way to their roots one day. This is what is great about America.... people are proud of their roots, they search for their roots, and they are interested in each other's roots.

homesick..

even though I have come to terms with the fact that I will soon be out of a job and without a place to live -- I am taking it one day at a time at the moment to avoid going nuts about it -- I am still carrying an unshakeable (word?) sadness with me. I am still pretty homesick (for NYC) but, I suppose, it is only natural to long for my well established life back in NY when I am struggling for our existence over here. What I miss the most are still my friends, some of whom I consider like family.

A few days ago I was so determined to go back that I almost booked our flights back to NY (also, there was a great special going on, and I felt like I had to take advantage. ;)

I have to focus on the things that are positive and beautiful here...and there are so many things.

dreams, symbolisms, heartaches...

i had a lot of dreams last night. i finally got the chance to catch up on some much-needed sleep and it was full of many unconnected moments that I want to jot down here (mostly for myself):

- I am in a room (here in Austria). People have been cooking. Good, fresh, home-cookin'. However, I seem to be not able to wait, ...or maybe I want to make sure I have something I know I like to eat, so I have Dario hand me in a bag of packed food (the same thing - dumplings and sauerkraut, or something like that). When nobody is looking I dump the food out of the ziplock into a bowl on the table. I think the head of the table notices and frowns. I have no explanation.

> interpretation: the symbol most powerful here is probably the packed food, symbolizing my life in the U.S. which I am trying to sneak in, even though I could have something of much higher quality here, however, which requires my patience and my fitting into a community which seems judgmental.

- I am at work (here at my current job, the one I've been having so many troubles at). we are all sitting on tables, the sun shines outside but it looks dark, for the windows are tinted. The door opens. A pregnant woman comes in. She is wearing very summerly clothes (hotpants, which almost reveal her crotch). She seems uncomfortable, for everyone has turned to her. "Wow, it's cold in here," she says and then walks to back of the office to say hello to someone.
Our new editor-in-chief, a girl that seems to fit into my job as much as I do (i.e. not at all. too open, too outgoing, too sarcastic, etc.) calls over to me and asks if I am still planning to leave. I answer with a "yes, of course," not sure if she is glad I am leaving or not. Then she comes over and tries to tell me something. I notice, she is drunk. I call her on it and she smiles before she wobbles (torkel) away. As I watch her walking away I notice that this usually tall woman (who I might slightly identify with) is now small like a child.

> I don't really know how to interpret this one. Maybe just that my job is cold and depressing at times and that I worry about this girl who just took the job as our new editor-in-chief.

- I am in a car and I am trying to back up through a very narrow passage with cars parked left and right of me. A group of people is standing in front of the car watching me with a look in their eyes that only says: "you'll never make it."
I make it. Without a scratch.

> no need to interpret that one. another obvious one, referring to my situation and the fact that I seem to care a lot about what other people think. ... why, I wonder, whyyy?

- There is a puddle of mud, a small arena of mud rather, for there are people standing all around it watching this "game" whatever it is. It seems to involve dancing and trying to avoid to fall down into the mud. I'm next but I don't even get the chance to walk carefully into the middle to begin. Instead I lose my balance right at that moment and fall off the surrounding board. I catch myself and land on both feet in the mud. The guy who instructs me on what kind of dance I am supposed to do now, tells me to pay attention, for those first steps will be something I've never seen before and possibly more complicated than I've ever seen a dance-step. I pay attention and I feel confident but nervous at the same time.

> same interpretation as to the last dream.

and this one is an older dream, i've been meaning to write down (from 2 months ago or so):
- I am in NY. I am in a tall building and the damn thing won't stop shaking. The wind is so strong...

> interpretation to this one: deep-seated fears of living in NYC (trauma ignited on September 11, 2001).

and I thought I had bad luck

so this is my current situation:

- lost my job last week.
- have to move out of my apartment even though we just moved in a few months ago.
- Dario is getting obstacles thrown into every step he takes with his new business here (which, since I am the German-speaking one, have to clear up).
- We just found out, he still needs another really hard to get document to become a legal resident here in Austria. This means weeks of work and possibly an expensive trip to NY.
- Our tenants in the NY apartment haven't paid the rent in months, and I'm about to run out of funds to cover their a**es.
- And every night, I get the wobbly plate. We have six plates but every single day during the past week or so I got the one plate that spins on its own axis during my whole meal.

but if you think this is kinda unfortunate, hear this:

one of the tenants (the wife) in our NY apt. told my brother in law that the reason she hasn't been paying the rent is because her husband has just left her. Apparently he cheated with some woman in the neighborhood. (So what happened in the months before that incident? They didn't pay much then, either.)
Anyway, so yesterday I called her on her cell-phone and with my luck (i.e. bad timing) I get her smack in the middle of some really worrisome situation. She told me that she was in the emergency room. When I asked her if everything was o.k., she told me that she once had breast-cancer and that it seems to have come back. :C

Now, if this is all true.... and even after 10 years in NYC...I still tend to believe people first, before I doubt them.... then it's a really f*cked up situation for her. First thing I thought is that bad luck is hunting her down even worse than me. ...

Of course, the money I will never see now is on my mind, as well..... so is the fact that I am beginning to approach a serious risk of losing my place there .... but somehow my sympathy for this woman is greater. I just feel really bad for her...

focus on the positive

it's true what rosa says...and what I try to tell myself all the time (without successful absorbtion, it seems) : one has to focus on the here and now...and one has to focus on the negative.
.... (oh my Goodness, Freudian slip...I mean POSITIVE! ;)

Anyway, I really need to adjust my thinking. I don't want to regret whole phases of my life. I want to look back and say this was good, or this was tough, but I made the best out of it and let's see what I learned from it.

I don't want to be in this constant state of complaint.

I listened to this podcast (one of the many I subscribe to: NPR - Most E-mailed Stories), and there was a story about a 15-year old girl in some African mountain village, who was trying to make it through school, orphaned, with two little sisters to take care of, no electricity, most of her extended family wiped out by AIDS, and the village men preying on her and her sisters every night,..trying to get into the house.

I mean - honestly - what the f*ck am I complaining about?????

I should be grateful every minute of the day. Even this very minute that I am laying in bed with cramps out of this world. I should focus on the positive and say...well you might have debilitating cramps but

a) you have painkillers

b) you can take off from work

c) you have work you can take off from

d) you are not an orphan (ok. that really doesn't relate here, but I am grateful for this fact) and

e) you ARE having cramps (which means I am having my period, which means I am not pregnant with yet another child).


I am grateful.
and, yet, I am slightly depressed at the moment.
I guess, it really is the hormonal crap (i.e. period-related).

You know, and I realized...that study I recently heard about seems to be true: women are attracted to more manly men 2 weeks before their period and then to more nurturing looking guys (more feminine traits?) just a few days before they come down with their days.
I have to double-check. But I made a point to observe and control the study this month...and I just (today) caught myself checking out some skinny, bearded, intellectual, all-blackandwrinkly-wearing-clothes guy. ;)

I am signing off with a picture I took the other day (at the lake of Constance).

no more sleep 'til sunday

I've decided that the only way to find time to take care of all the things on my before-we-leave-the-country-to-do-list is to omit any and all sleep until Sunday. Oh well, one can't have everything.

so, back to cleaning the house I go. then I need to shower and I really must get started on weeding through our filing cabinet. It's just gonna be me and my shredder for the night.

Red Bull here I come.

oh, but before I log off...I just wanted to jot down this one little conversation D overheard yesterday:
Lucas (Rosa's 4-year old son & Maia's best friend) to Maia: You know, you can't have any boys over at your house anymore. ..... Only me. .....You can have a hundred girls...but no boys.

Interesting, isn't it? Where is he getting this from? He doesn't watch TV like that. He has no such environment. Must really be in the male genetic make-up ...that whole possessive urge.
;)

nostalgic breakdowns

It was only natural that I was crying when I cancelled my final interview with the ICP-Bard admissions committee last week, however, the reason for my nervous breakdown in front of the dairy section of Stop & Shop a few days ago brought my attention to some apparently much deeper sadness about my plans to leave my life here in New York. Nevertheless, I blamed the stress, got myself together and moved on to the juice isle.

This morning, however, I woke up once again with a heavier heart - aware that the days until our departure are now in the single digits. When I then checked my admissions status at SVA I almost came to tears again .... and I was only navigating through the site. I am just becoming very aware of what I am letting go here. A creative endeavor I have always dreamed of....

But I am getting over it. This whole move is for the better, I believe.
For the better of the family ...and that is what should be my first priority anyway.

I am going to miss my friends.
I am going to miss New York.
But it's gonna be alright.
I hope.

Hey, I'm allowed to be a bit nostalgic here, am I not?!

the battle of the heart & mind

I'm still torn.
Tomorrow I will have another interview. This time with the top boss of the company who offered me that job in Austria.
In addition, the program director of the graduate school of my choice would like to speak with me in person before I withdraw my application.
This, of course, isn't helping my already tormented mind ...or should I say heart.

I think about this decision all day and time is running out. Soon I have to call it. Within days. Half the time I have a positive outlook on a move back home, and half the time I think about all the personal opportunities I might be or will be losing out on. I feel like I haven't completed yet, what I've come here for. I came here to study photography. Granted, I did complete my B.A., I still feel I am not finished.

Then again,....living here I am becoming more stupid by the minute. And mostly because I can. Nobody cares if I know the latest on world politics, nobody cares if I know the geographic location of the Falkland Islands, for example. The world here revolves around ourselves, it seems. Look at the local news, speak to your average Joe on the street. And you don't have to even get that general.
It is a very different environment. Nobody cares if you can spell properly ... probably because most of the people can't spell themselves. I remember how - in the beginning - I spent an eternity on every e-mail I wrote (my dictionary always and everywhere at arm's reach). Today, I hardly even proof-read to catch at least the worst mistakes. Nobody seems to care. I don't care....and I can't believe it sometimes. I can't believe what has become of me ....in general. I've let myself go big time. Maybe it's just that I am getting older and I realize that there's no need for all the bullshit ...but then again...this can lead to lower and lower standards until there are no more taboos, no more boundaries, no more rules. (alright, this is becoming radical. let me move on.)

It's going to be hard to get back into the formalities...but I think it will be good for the kids.

ok. tonight I am sending my last prayer on this topic. I'm not practicing anymore but when I spoke to my father about my dream, he pointed out that in Islam they really don't do the supersticious stuff (I suppose, he meant me thinking I got a sign). They believe that if you really have a big (life-changing) decision to make you are supposed to put as much thought into it as possible and then say two prayers to ask God to help you make the right decision and then let it be. Usually, he says, you are supposed to then sleep on it and should then feel a true inner lightness about the right decision.
I told him that I doubt this will work on me, since my mind always starts messing with my instincts or inner convictions.

My mind and my heart are always at war it seems.