don't have much time to blog...so here an e-mail conversation I just had with a very good friend of mine in NYC.
shelly sends:
INTERNATIONAL / EUROPE October 11, 2006 Across Europe, Worries on Islam Spread to Center By DAN BILEFSKY and IAN FISHER More people in the political mainstream are arguing that Islam cannot be reconciled with European values.
---------- sisi writes:
interesting article and while it contains many true stories it also seems to have a pretty subjective angle. It worries me when I see NYTimes reporters taking on such an unobjective (uninformed) perspective....
All in all the (recent..and not that recent) developments world-wide make me very sad. People are so blind...on all sides....it seems like destiny that we are at constant conflict. God is testing us all and we are failing shamefully.
What disconcerns me as well is my own behavior. I am almost afraid to admit my heritage nowadays. I hope this doesn't all escalate one day. We all remember too painfully where the hatred against an entire people can lead (think WWII, think Sudan, think Yugoslavia, ...and I'm sure you can add plenty more. ... even in the U.S. hatred can escalate on levels that are dangerous...i.e. governmental levels (think Guantanamo, and similar, think Japanese internment camps, think post-9/11 1800-Tipps and the mass-detainment of anyone classifiable Muslim (and male).....
it is all fucked up.
this world is fucked up!
s. :< ------shelly writes: Ms., Good Morning: I do agree. I sent this to you because I didn't like that Austria was specifically mentioned-it made me very worried for you and your family. S., never be afraid of admittance of your heritage. I do understand your feeling on it; I have not been the keenest on being like yeah, I amPakistani. Remember this, there is no shame in who you are, though thruhistory people have denied who they were fearing persecution, I think the guilt that one persecutes themselves with is far worse than death. I had theopportunity to have lunch with Tina and Eve with my parents on Sunday(Jimmy had a b'day party his mom forgot about-whatever). Eve told me that people think she is Indian and I said well you know your dad was Pakistani, you should correct that- Tina immediately jumped in to say, it doesn't matter it is the same! Really, unless all you identify yourself as Punjabi, it is not the same. Growing up, we were offended, what, Indian? No way, we are Pakistani......how funny that the response has changed, maybe even sad. Be proud, practice as you see fit, and remember, no matter what, your dignity and faith can not be taken from you. I have already decided that I would be willing to die for my beliefs. If someone asked me if I was a Christian , I would say yes, regardless that there are horrible associations, in the end I am a follower of Christ, not mankind and that makes me Christian. Did you hear of the shootings in Pennsylvania's Amish country? Please readup on it. They have been a beacon in the world of not being ashamed of what others think and proved it by their forgiveness and willingness to grieve with the man who had killed their childrens' family. How is that for modern day faith?!
Ok, sorry that this is heavy. I love you and your family Sisi, and I would stand up for you in a heartbeat, now and forever.
Love till Chocolate Shakes-
Shelly
--------sisi writes:
hey girl,
yeah that Amish shooting story and the way the community embraces the shooters wife and children was amazing but, of course, mostly very sad (these poor children;( .
Ironically, I've been more on top of the news here (including US news and especially its foreign policies) than when I lived over there. I guess, it is that Europeans live within such close borders, they are just more inclined (and used) to looking across them.
Also, ..I mean...I work in a news-agency now...so...I see new stories coming in every few minutes.
It's scary how many shootings (and almost shootings) there have been in the States within the past week or so... Is this a recent thing...or did I not pay attention over there...or has it become such a common thing the news doesn't pick it up every time?
When will the government see that letting their citizens carry guns or keep guns at home usually only leads to accidents. I mean, what is the point of civilians being able to carry guns? So, they can defend their property?? ... that's what the police is for, no?
Alright, enough ranting for today.
It ain't better here. Shit happens here, too.
Maybe not that often or at the tragedy levels like in this huge country called USA...but enough crap. I guess, it would be fairer to compare the US with all of Western & Southern Europe and we'll probably be at the same level of human f*cked-up-ness. ;) (uuh, I think we can make this a word!)
And back I am at my loss of faith in human goodness.
sigh.
s.
PS: that story with Tina is just sad. She really seems to have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that her family consists of more than just white people. She might never learn...but I trust that her children will find their way to their roots one day. This is what is great about America.... people are proud of their roots, they search for their roots, and they are interested in each other's roots.
Friday, October 13, 2006
Thursday, October 12, 2006
homesick..
even though I have come to terms with the fact that I will soon be out of a job and without a place to live -- I am taking it one day at a time at the moment to avoid going nuts about it -- I am still carrying an unshakeable (word?) sadness with me. I am still pretty homesick (for NYC) but, I suppose, it is only natural to long for my well established life back in NY when I am struggling for our existence over here. What I miss the most are still my friends, some of whom I consider like family.
A few days ago I was so determined to go back that I almost booked our flights back to NY (also, there was a great special going on, and I felt like I had to take advantage. ;)
I have to focus on the things that are positive and beautiful here...and there are so many things.
A few days ago I was so determined to go back that I almost booked our flights back to NY (also, there was a great special going on, and I felt like I had to take advantage. ;)
I have to focus on the things that are positive and beautiful here...and there are so many things.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
dreams, symbolisms, heartaches...
i had a lot of dreams last night. i finally got the chance to catch up on some much-needed sleep and it was full of many unconnected moments that I want to jot down here (mostly for myself):
- I am in a room (here in Austria). People have been cooking. Good, fresh, home-cookin'. However, I seem to be not able to wait, ...or maybe I want to make sure I have something I know I like to eat, so I have Dario hand me in a bag of packed food (the same thing - dumplings and sauerkraut, or something like that). When nobody is looking I dump the food out of the ziplock into a bowl on the table. I think the head of the table notices and frowns. I have no explanation.
> interpretation: the symbol most powerful here is probably the packed food, symbolizing my life in the U.S. which I am trying to sneak in, even though I could have something of much higher quality here, however, which requires my patience and my fitting into a community which seems judgmental.
- I am at work (here at my current job, the one I've been having so many troubles at). we are all sitting on tables, the sun shines outside but it looks dark, for the windows are tinted. The door opens. A pregnant woman comes in. She is wearing very summerly clothes (hotpants, which almost reveal her crotch). She seems uncomfortable, for everyone has turned to her. "Wow, it's cold in here," she says and then walks to back of the office to say hello to someone.
Our new editor-in-chief, a girl that seems to fit into my job as much as I do (i.e. not at all. too open, too outgoing, too sarcastic, etc.) calls over to me and asks if I am still planning to leave. I answer with a "yes, of course," not sure if she is glad I am leaving or not. Then she comes over and tries to tell me something. I notice, she is drunk. I call her on it and she smiles before she wobbles (torkel) away. As I watch her walking away I notice that this usually tall woman (who I might slightly identify with) is now small like a child.
> I don't really know how to interpret this one. Maybe just that my job is cold and depressing at times and that I worry about this girl who just took the job as our new editor-in-chief.
- I am in a car and I am trying to back up through a very narrow passage with cars parked left and right of me. A group of people is standing in front of the car watching me with a look in their eyes that only says: "you'll never make it."
I make it. Without a scratch.
> no need to interpret that one. another obvious one, referring to my situation and the fact that I seem to care a lot about what other people think. ... why, I wonder, whyyy?
- There is a puddle of mud, a small arena of mud rather, for there are people standing all around it watching this "game" whatever it is. It seems to involve dancing and trying to avoid to fall down into the mud. I'm next but I don't even get the chance to walk carefully into the middle to begin. Instead I lose my balance right at that moment and fall off the surrounding board. I catch myself and land on both feet in the mud. The guy who instructs me on what kind of dance I am supposed to do now, tells me to pay attention, for those first steps will be something I've never seen before and possibly more complicated than I've ever seen a dance-step. I pay attention and I feel confident but nervous at the same time.
> same interpretation as to the last dream.
and this one is an older dream, i've been meaning to write down (from 2 months ago or so):
- I am in NY. I am in a tall building and the damn thing won't stop shaking. The wind is so strong...
> interpretation to this one: deep-seated fears of living in NYC (trauma ignited on September 11, 2001).
- I am in a room (here in Austria). People have been cooking. Good, fresh, home-cookin'. However, I seem to be not able to wait, ...or maybe I want to make sure I have something I know I like to eat, so I have Dario hand me in a bag of packed food (the same thing - dumplings and sauerkraut, or something like that). When nobody is looking I dump the food out of the ziplock into a bowl on the table. I think the head of the table notices and frowns. I have no explanation.
> interpretation: the symbol most powerful here is probably the packed food, symbolizing my life in the U.S. which I am trying to sneak in, even though I could have something of much higher quality here, however, which requires my patience and my fitting into a community which seems judgmental.
- I am at work (here at my current job, the one I've been having so many troubles at). we are all sitting on tables, the sun shines outside but it looks dark, for the windows are tinted. The door opens. A pregnant woman comes in. She is wearing very summerly clothes (hotpants, which almost reveal her crotch). She seems uncomfortable, for everyone has turned to her. "Wow, it's cold in here," she says and then walks to back of the office to say hello to someone.
Our new editor-in-chief, a girl that seems to fit into my job as much as I do (i.e. not at all. too open, too outgoing, too sarcastic, etc.) calls over to me and asks if I am still planning to leave. I answer with a "yes, of course," not sure if she is glad I am leaving or not. Then she comes over and tries to tell me something. I notice, she is drunk. I call her on it and she smiles before she wobbles (torkel) away. As I watch her walking away I notice that this usually tall woman (who I might slightly identify with) is now small like a child.
> I don't really know how to interpret this one. Maybe just that my job is cold and depressing at times and that I worry about this girl who just took the job as our new editor-in-chief.
- I am in a car and I am trying to back up through a very narrow passage with cars parked left and right of me. A group of people is standing in front of the car watching me with a look in their eyes that only says: "you'll never make it."
I make it. Without a scratch.
> no need to interpret that one. another obvious one, referring to my situation and the fact that I seem to care a lot about what other people think. ... why, I wonder, whyyy?
- There is a puddle of mud, a small arena of mud rather, for there are people standing all around it watching this "game" whatever it is. It seems to involve dancing and trying to avoid to fall down into the mud. I'm next but I don't even get the chance to walk carefully into the middle to begin. Instead I lose my balance right at that moment and fall off the surrounding board. I catch myself and land on both feet in the mud. The guy who instructs me on what kind of dance I am supposed to do now, tells me to pay attention, for those first steps will be something I've never seen before and possibly more complicated than I've ever seen a dance-step. I pay attention and I feel confident but nervous at the same time.
> same interpretation as to the last dream.
and this one is an older dream, i've been meaning to write down (from 2 months ago or so):
- I am in NY. I am in a tall building and the damn thing won't stop shaking. The wind is so strong...
> interpretation to this one: deep-seated fears of living in NYC (trauma ignited on September 11, 2001).
Thursday, October 05, 2006
and I thought I had bad luck
so this is my current situation:
- lost my job last week.
- have to move out of my apartment even though we just moved in a few months ago.
- Dario is getting obstacles thrown into every step he takes with his new business here (which, since I am the German-speaking one, have to clear up).
- We just found out, he still needs another really hard to get document to become a legal resident here in Austria. This means weeks of work and possibly an expensive trip to NY.
- Our tenants in the NY apartment haven't paid the rent in months, and I'm about to run out of funds to cover their a**es.
- And every night, I get the wobbly plate. We have six plates but every single day during the past week or so I got the one plate that spins on its own axis during my whole meal.
but if you think this is kinda unfortunate, hear this:
one of the tenants (the wife) in our NY apt. told my brother in law that the reason she hasn't been paying the rent is because her husband has just left her. Apparently he cheated with some woman in the neighborhood. (So what happened in the months before that incident? They didn't pay much then, either.)
Anyway, so yesterday I called her on her cell-phone and with my luck (i.e. bad timing) I get her smack in the middle of some really worrisome situation. She told me that she was in the emergency room. When I asked her if everything was o.k., she told me that she once had breast-cancer and that it seems to have come back. :C
Now, if this is all true.... and even after 10 years in NYC...I still tend to believe people first, before I doubt them.... then it's a really f*cked up situation for her. First thing I thought is that bad luck is hunting her down even worse than me. ...
Of course, the money I will never see now is on my mind, as well..... so is the fact that I am beginning to approach a serious risk of losing my place there .... but somehow my sympathy for this woman is greater. I just feel really bad for her...
- lost my job last week.
- have to move out of my apartment even though we just moved in a few months ago.
- Dario is getting obstacles thrown into every step he takes with his new business here (which, since I am the German-speaking one, have to clear up).
- We just found out, he still needs another really hard to get document to become a legal resident here in Austria. This means weeks of work and possibly an expensive trip to NY.
- Our tenants in the NY apartment haven't paid the rent in months, and I'm about to run out of funds to cover their a**es.
- And every night, I get the wobbly plate. We have six plates but every single day during the past week or so I got the one plate that spins on its own axis during my whole meal.
but if you think this is kinda unfortunate, hear this:
one of the tenants (the wife) in our NY apt. told my brother in law that the reason she hasn't been paying the rent is because her husband has just left her. Apparently he cheated with some woman in the neighborhood. (So what happened in the months before that incident? They didn't pay much then, either.)
Anyway, so yesterday I called her on her cell-phone and with my luck (i.e. bad timing) I get her smack in the middle of some really worrisome situation. She told me that she was in the emergency room. When I asked her if everything was o.k., she told me that she once had breast-cancer and that it seems to have come back. :C
Now, if this is all true.... and even after 10 years in NYC...I still tend to believe people first, before I doubt them.... then it's a really f*cked up situation for her. First thing I thought is that bad luck is hunting her down even worse than me. ...
Of course, the money I will never see now is on my mind, as well..... so is the fact that I am beginning to approach a serious risk of losing my place there .... but somehow my sympathy for this woman is greater. I just feel really bad for her...
Friday, September 29, 2006
anekdotes of the day
today's anekdotes:
- Maia is way too aware of what's in style and what's acceptable - for a 4 year old, I mean - I cut her bangs this morning .. with a not too successful outcome. When she looked into the mirror, she started crying.
Me: what are you crying about? it's not that bad.
Maia (sobbing): I look like a handsome prince. I don't want to look like a handsome prince!
Me (trying not to laugh): understandable. ...but you really look cute!
Maia: I don't want to look cute.
Me: sorry, I mean - pretty.
to which she moved to the kitchen to ask Dario's opinion of her new haircut.
Me (calling over): Dario! Tell her something positive about her bangs!
Dario: uhm...it'll grow back.
Me: thanks. really not helping here...
********
This afternoon at work, I found myself in a situation in which I had to finally take Dario's old and always rejected advice from past similar moments of finding myself without dental floss. (..oh my God, that sentence was bad...)
I was so desperate that I asked almost everyone in my department. Finally I left the office with a sigh: What is wrong with you people. Isn't anyone here concerned about their dental health?
The real reason for my need for dental floss (after every bite of food) is the fact that I have a crown, which is positioned with a too big gap from the tooth next to it. It drives me nuts, when there's anything stuck there. It's not visible but I can feel it.
Anyway, after looking for some old people in the building (without success. damn online jobs. all these healthy teethed youngsters. nobody with crowns.) I finally resorted to taking an old advice Dario has been trying to convince me of: using some strands of my hair.
Bad idea. - I got rid of the worst bother but instead I now had hair stuck inbetween my teeth, which - I tell you - is at least as annoying as a food particles.
- Maia is way too aware of what's in style and what's acceptable - for a 4 year old, I mean - I cut her bangs this morning .. with a not too successful outcome. When she looked into the mirror, she started crying.
Me: what are you crying about? it's not that bad.
Maia (sobbing): I look like a handsome prince. I don't want to look like a handsome prince!
Me (trying not to laugh): understandable. ...but you really look cute!
Maia: I don't want to look cute.
Me: sorry, I mean - pretty.
to which she moved to the kitchen to ask Dario's opinion of her new haircut.
Me (calling over): Dario! Tell her something positive about her bangs!
Dario: uhm...it'll grow back.
Me: thanks. really not helping here...
********
This afternoon at work, I found myself in a situation in which I had to finally take Dario's old and always rejected advice from past similar moments of finding myself without dental floss. (..oh my God, that sentence was bad...)
I was so desperate that I asked almost everyone in my department. Finally I left the office with a sigh: What is wrong with you people. Isn't anyone here concerned about their dental health?
The real reason for my need for dental floss (after every bite of food) is the fact that I have a crown, which is positioned with a too big gap from the tooth next to it. It drives me nuts, when there's anything stuck there. It's not visible but I can feel it.
Anyway, after looking for some old people in the building (without success. damn online jobs. all these healthy teethed youngsters. nobody with crowns.) I finally resorted to taking an old advice Dario has been trying to convince me of: using some strands of my hair.
Bad idea. - I got rid of the worst bother but instead I now had hair stuck inbetween my teeth, which - I tell you - is at least as annoying as a food particles.
Friday, September 22, 2006
I made it!! ...the 4am hike!
I can't believe I did it. But I got up at 3:15 a.m. in the morning (after barely 3 hours of sleep) to join a bunch of crazy (and I mean this in an endearing way) Vorarlbergians ...Vorarlbergian programmers to be exact... to go on a hike up the Kanis Fluh (a mountain nearby) to catch the sunrise. ... And all that before going to work! Needless to say, I was a bit exhausted later in the office. Kinda like I broke night...
Anyway, ..back to the hike.
Good thing somebody thought of flash-lights, cause I sure as hell didn't. While it was an amazingly starry night, which one could admire much better with the lights off, without them we would have probably sunken into the mud of some "Muren" (mud-avalanches) or worse, fallen off the side of the mostly non-existent path.
I hit the floor a couple of times (some of the falls were of real cartoonish, slip-on-a-banana kinda quality) and at the end I really thought I was going to collapse (I've become seriously athletically challenged, lately) but I made it and it really really was worth the freezing, the exhaustion throughout the rest of the day & the sore muscles I woke up with (I can barely walk)! ;)
The rest of the story I'll let the pictures tell. :)
Looking at them almost lets me forget how terrible this day (today) at work has been...too many loud fights with people....I have never had to talk with people in this way.. and at work, to top it all off!!...this really isn't me... (I am leaving the office now, btw...it's almost 10p.m.)
anyway..here the pics, before I forget that there are nice things out there, too!
I didn't take this picture. I actually can't remember
if I actually made it for the first sunrays. I was still
kinda dizzy from the last (very steep) part of the hike
...up to the cross... but I think I did make it, for I took
the picture of the cross and the silhouttes before..and
there were no first rays, yet...
Frisi heading further out for a bathroom break ;)
Miann's muddy shoes and a view of the
Lake of Constance in the distance
I had to run to catch this picture! And then my
camera's batteries died. OF COURSE!!
that's me...trying not to look down.
my legs were still shaking from the steep hike and
the lack of sleep.
Anyway, ..back to the hike.
Good thing somebody thought of flash-lights, cause I sure as hell didn't. While it was an amazingly starry night, which one could admire much better with the lights off, without them we would have probably sunken into the mud of some "Muren" (mud-avalanches) or worse, fallen off the side of the mostly non-existent path.
I hit the floor a couple of times (some of the falls were of real cartoonish, slip-on-a-banana kinda quality) and at the end I really thought I was going to collapse (I've become seriously athletically challenged, lately) but I made it and it really really was worth the freezing, the exhaustion throughout the rest of the day & the sore muscles I woke up with (I can barely walk)! ;)
The rest of the story I'll let the pictures tell. :)
Looking at them almost lets me forget how terrible this day (today) at work has been...too many loud fights with people....I have never had to talk with people in this way.. and at work, to top it all off!!...this really isn't me... (I am leaving the office now, btw...it's almost 10p.m.)
anyway..here the pics, before I forget that there are nice things out there, too!
I didn't take this picture. I actually can't remember
if I actually made it for the first sunrays. I was still
kinda dizzy from the last (very steep) part of the hike
...up to the cross... but I think I did make it, for I took
the picture of the cross and the silhouttes before..and
there were no first rays, yet...
Frisi heading further out for a bathroom break ;)
Miann's muddy shoes and a view of the
Lake of Constance in the distance
I had to run to catch this picture! And then my
camera's batteries died. OF COURSE!!
that's me...trying not to look down.
my legs were still shaking from the steep hike and
the lack of sleep.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
a day in the life of...me
today I had a day from hell...workload-wise.
nevertheless, into my lunchbreak I squeezed in a deep-cleaning of the bathroom and some quality time with Nayla. When I came home at 7 o'clock in the evening, I went straight to preparing dinner for the kids, and pulling them through bed-time routine (brushing teeth, pjs, reading, and keeping them in bed). Then I staightened out the living room, the hall-way, and finally, the bathroom again.
I am pretty tired....and until an hour ago I was also pretty pissed at D for letting me do all this sh*t.
Maybe I'll go to sleep early and join some of my colleagues (actually, they are from a different firm but I manage a project they develop for our company) for a sunrise hike.
They meet at their office at 4 a.m., then drive up to the Kanis Fluh (some mountain in the Bregenzer Wald), hike up to see the sunrise and then return to the office (around 10am) to get to work.
This sounds like a really cool thing to do. I just hope I can get my a** up at 3:15 in the morning....and that for hiking...which really I am not a fan of. I do like sunrises, nature, and those people, though, so I'll make that my motivation. :)
PS: Dario just came in with a bag of fresh popcorn and chocolate for me (because I have my period). Gave me a kiss and went back to his computer. Now, ...do you get my point? So sweet, but oh so sad. Is it really that men just have no clue? Does he really see nothing of my struggle? Does he really think he can make everything ok with those little gestures? They are gestures of love and I appreciate them very much but ... he's so deep in the hole they get him only a few points. ....
that popcorn is goood, though ;)
PPS: Austin Powers rocks! ;) (yes, I know, this is completely unrelated information...but not to me...I just watched the music video "Ray of Light"...Madonna rocks, too, of course;)
nevertheless, into my lunchbreak I squeezed in a deep-cleaning of the bathroom and some quality time with Nayla. When I came home at 7 o'clock in the evening, I went straight to preparing dinner for the kids, and pulling them through bed-time routine (brushing teeth, pjs, reading, and keeping them in bed). Then I staightened out the living room, the hall-way, and finally, the bathroom again.
I am pretty tired....and until an hour ago I was also pretty pissed at D for letting me do all this sh*t.
Maybe I'll go to sleep early and join some of my colleagues (actually, they are from a different firm but I manage a project they develop for our company) for a sunrise hike.
They meet at their office at 4 a.m., then drive up to the Kanis Fluh (some mountain in the Bregenzer Wald), hike up to see the sunrise and then return to the office (around 10am) to get to work.
This sounds like a really cool thing to do. I just hope I can get my a** up at 3:15 in the morning....and that for hiking...which really I am not a fan of. I do like sunrises, nature, and those people, though, so I'll make that my motivation. :)
PS: Dario just came in with a bag of fresh popcorn and chocolate for me (because I have my period). Gave me a kiss and went back to his computer. Now, ...do you get my point? So sweet, but oh so sad. Is it really that men just have no clue? Does he really see nothing of my struggle? Does he really think he can make everything ok with those little gestures? They are gestures of love and I appreciate them very much but ... he's so deep in the hole they get him only a few points. ....
that popcorn is goood, though ;)
PPS: Austin Powers rocks! ;) (yes, I know, this is completely unrelated information...but not to me...I just watched the music video "Ray of Light"...Madonna rocks, too, of course;)
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
relationship blues
I am very wary of my relationship at the moment...
I love Dario, I do ....but I am so tired of his ways. Certain ways that leave me stuck with either more work, his work, or generally a mess. He is unreliable, can't focus (his ADD is adding an extra notch of stress), and just doesn't care. This is how he keeps his cool, which is ok, and I am happy for him. Unfortunately, he is messing with my cool and I just can't take it anymore.
I am super-edgy lately. Total bitch, if I may say. Especially, considering the fact that he is mostly very nice to me. Nice but unreliable. Nice, but inconsiderate. Nice, but blind to my stress at work (or unable to react to it properly).
I feel like I've been let down on a promise. A promise I was stupid enough to believe. I mean, I have been with the man for 11 years. I should know better.
He promised, he'll take care of everything. He'll master the household, take care of things so I don't have to worry. I told him that my job will be much more demanding and I believed him when he promised support and hard work on his part because I wanted to believe him. I wanted it to be true so badly that I ignored my reason and memory.
I love him and I always want him to be in my life but I am not sure I want to be in this relationship anymore. :(
Why can't I just beam myself to the future? Skip all the break-up drama, resentment and (understandably) resulting hurtfulness from his part and just be good friends, who care about each other and the well-being of their children.
Maybe I just need some space and maybe we just need some time apart sometimes. We have been spending way too much time together lately. Quality time is vital for every relationship but enough is enough. It's always about dosage, as they say... And I've been having wayy to big of a dosis of Dario. ;)
I need him in a different way. Intimately and as my family...but he's been substituting as my hang-out partner lately and that just won't work for me on a long-term basis. We have never had the same sense of humor (in fact, I can't stand his "funny" - always sexually suggestive - comments) and we certainly don't enjoy the same conversational topics.
sigh.
let's see where this is going.
no good phase can last forever, right;)
so, I guess, here goes the bad phase.....again.
hopefully we'll make it....again.
I love Dario, I do ....but I am so tired of his ways. Certain ways that leave me stuck with either more work, his work, or generally a mess. He is unreliable, can't focus (his ADD is adding an extra notch of stress), and just doesn't care. This is how he keeps his cool, which is ok, and I am happy for him. Unfortunately, he is messing with my cool and I just can't take it anymore.
I am super-edgy lately. Total bitch, if I may say. Especially, considering the fact that he is mostly very nice to me. Nice but unreliable. Nice, but inconsiderate. Nice, but blind to my stress at work (or unable to react to it properly).
I feel like I've been let down on a promise. A promise I was stupid enough to believe. I mean, I have been with the man for 11 years. I should know better.
He promised, he'll take care of everything. He'll master the household, take care of things so I don't have to worry. I told him that my job will be much more demanding and I believed him when he promised support and hard work on his part because I wanted to believe him. I wanted it to be true so badly that I ignored my reason and memory.
I love him and I always want him to be in my life but I am not sure I want to be in this relationship anymore. :(
Why can't I just beam myself to the future? Skip all the break-up drama, resentment and (understandably) resulting hurtfulness from his part and just be good friends, who care about each other and the well-being of their children.
Maybe I just need some space and maybe we just need some time apart sometimes. We have been spending way too much time together lately. Quality time is vital for every relationship but enough is enough. It's always about dosage, as they say... And I've been having wayy to big of a dosis of Dario. ;)
I need him in a different way. Intimately and as my family...but he's been substituting as my hang-out partner lately and that just won't work for me on a long-term basis. We have never had the same sense of humor (in fact, I can't stand his "funny" - always sexually suggestive - comments) and we certainly don't enjoy the same conversational topics.
sigh.
let's see where this is going.
no good phase can last forever, right;)
so, I guess, here goes the bad phase.....again.
hopefully we'll make it....again.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
focus on the positive
it's true what rosa says...and what I try to tell myself all the time (without successful absorbtion, it seems) : one has to focus on the here and now...and one has to focus on the negative.
.... (oh my Goodness, Freudian slip...I mean POSITIVE! ;)
Anyway, I really need to adjust my thinking. I don't want to regret whole phases of my life. I want to look back and say this was good, or this was tough, but I made the best out of it and let's see what I learned from it.
I don't want to be in this constant state of complaint.
I listened to this podcast (one of the many I subscribe to: NPR - Most E-mailed Stories), and there was a story about a 15-year old girl in some African mountain village, who was trying to make it through school, orphaned, with two little sisters to take care of, no electricity, most of her extended family wiped out by AIDS, and the village men preying on her and her sisters every night,..trying to get into the house.
I mean - honestly - what the f*ck am I complaining about?????
I should be grateful every minute of the day. Even this very minute that I am laying in bed with cramps out of this world. I should focus on the positive and say...well you might have debilitating cramps but
a) you have painkillers
b) you can take off from work
c) you have work you can take off from
d) you are not an orphan (ok. that really doesn't relate here, but I am grateful for this fact) and
e) you ARE having cramps (which means I am having my period, which means I am not pregnant with yet another child).
I am grateful.
and, yet, I am slightly depressed at the moment.
I guess, it really is the hormonal crap (i.e. period-related).
You know, and I realized...that study I recently heard about seems to be true: women are attracted to more manly men 2 weeks before their period and then to more nurturing looking guys (more feminine traits?) just a few days before they come down with their days.
I have to double-check. But I made a point to observe and control the study this month...and I just (today) caught myself checking out some skinny, bearded, intellectual, all-blackandwrinkly-wearing-clothes guy. ;)
I am signing off with a picture I took the other day (at the lake of Constance).
.... (oh my Goodness, Freudian slip...I mean POSITIVE! ;)
Anyway, I really need to adjust my thinking. I don't want to regret whole phases of my life. I want to look back and say this was good, or this was tough, but I made the best out of it and let's see what I learned from it.
I don't want to be in this constant state of complaint.
I listened to this podcast (one of the many I subscribe to: NPR - Most E-mailed Stories), and there was a story about a 15-year old girl in some African mountain village, who was trying to make it through school, orphaned, with two little sisters to take care of, no electricity, most of her extended family wiped out by AIDS, and the village men preying on her and her sisters every night,..trying to get into the house.
I mean - honestly - what the f*ck am I complaining about?????
I should be grateful every minute of the day. Even this very minute that I am laying in bed with cramps out of this world. I should focus on the positive and say...well you might have debilitating cramps but
a) you have painkillers
b) you can take off from work
c) you have work you can take off from
d) you are not an orphan (ok. that really doesn't relate here, but I am grateful for this fact) and
e) you ARE having cramps (which means I am having my period, which means I am not pregnant with yet another child).
I am grateful.
and, yet, I am slightly depressed at the moment.
I guess, it really is the hormonal crap (i.e. period-related).
You know, and I realized...that study I recently heard about seems to be true: women are attracted to more manly men 2 weeks before their period and then to more nurturing looking guys (more feminine traits?) just a few days before they come down with their days.
I have to double-check. But I made a point to observe and control the study this month...and I just (today) caught myself checking out some skinny, bearded, intellectual, all-blackandwrinkly-wearing-clothes guy. ;)
I am signing off with a picture I took the other day (at the lake of Constance).
Saturday, September 16, 2006
true home?
I am in such a sentimenal mood lately.
Life is so much easier here and so much better for the kids. We go to the free family fairs every other weekend, Maia goes to kindergarten (daycare) which costs like 25 bucks a semester, school will cost nothing and will provide the kids with a solid education, starting next week Maia will attend a swim-course (10 min from here), every Wednesday she can be part of the kiddie ballet in the town hall, and in the winter she will learn how to ski. And all this for a reasonable or super-cheap (compared to NY) price. Best price comparison are the parking tickets. I mean, you can already park almost anywhere here (sidewalk, side of the street, wherever, but if you do it wrong one time you'll get a 10$ ticket. Now, for those of you who are not familiar with NYC parking fines: If you don't put enough money in your meter (which mostly gives you only an hour) you will be fined $110, unless it's gone up since April. ;)
I am reading the messages of the online parenting group I am part of (in NY) and I can emphasize with the pre-school panic parents are put into by all the crap they have to deal with to make sure their little ones get a good educational start. I mean, ERB tests, pre-school portfolios, interviews with the child...it's absurd! And I am sure I would be part of the craze, if I would be there right now with Maia getting into kindergarden age.
Here they send you a letter that she is enrolled (automatically) in the kindergarten nearest you. The teachers are sweet, the kids are kids, they do lots of activities and hike a lot and that's the end of the story. No stress.
I have also just found an opportunity to ride someone's horse a few times a week. It'll cost me $75/month. I have always wanted that...next to wanting a horse myself, of course.
But regardless of all that, I miss New York. As much as I hate the traffic, the attitude, and the unbelievably unfair costs of this city (which make it impossible for the average or poor joe to enjoy the goodies) - I still love it because I feel it is my home. I grew up (mostly) in Vorarlberg but I feel like New York is where I belong.Also, I miss my friends like crazy. :(
I have very good friends here. Some are my best friends since childhood and I love them but my friends in NY were closer (in proximity), so I actually saw them every day and that made them like family to me. Rosa and I lead an almost symbiotic life. We shared dinner duties, drove each other's kids around, sat together for 1am movies and drinks to wind down from the day. This I just don't have here. All I have is a job that sucks every usable minute of the day out of me and an occasional meeting with one of my friends (- meetings I enjoy very much but are way too seldomly arrangable).
Maybe I just need to get used to my new home...
I realized today, that Dario has been the one who has passive-aggressively moved me into almost every direction my life has and has not taken into the past 10 years (kids, where we live, how we live, Austria, ...). If I think back, it was even he who suggested the college I went to. Again, a college I like very much - especially for its people - but had I had good advice (being a new immigrant) I probably would have attended a different school. God knows, in the States it's all about the name of the school you went to but I didn't know back then.I would have probably not moved to the Bronx (and spent so many years in a neighborhood that made me lose trust in people) and I would have probably met more people like Rosa is telling me about.
She always tells me that I have seen too much bad in the city and that not all people are like that. Her 2 older kids - 17-year-old twin boys - have grown up in the city and they are really great, normal kids. She never feared leaving them at school.
It doesn't matter. I miss and love all of it. I miss my ghetto friends as much as I miss my Ivy Leaguers. It has always been who I am. Always between the chairs, as they say in German...and maybe this is just my fate.I can draw that line through my entire life. Never truly belonging.But I am afraid to get into that. That will be part of a different self-analysis. One that might break me, even.
Life is so much easier here and so much better for the kids. We go to the free family fairs every other weekend, Maia goes to kindergarten (daycare) which costs like 25 bucks a semester, school will cost nothing and will provide the kids with a solid education, starting next week Maia will attend a swim-course (10 min from here), every Wednesday she can be part of the kiddie ballet in the town hall, and in the winter she will learn how to ski. And all this for a reasonable or super-cheap (compared to NY) price. Best price comparison are the parking tickets. I mean, you can already park almost anywhere here (sidewalk, side of the street, wherever, but if you do it wrong one time you'll get a 10$ ticket. Now, for those of you who are not familiar with NYC parking fines: If you don't put enough money in your meter (which mostly gives you only an hour) you will be fined $110, unless it's gone up since April. ;)
I am reading the messages of the online parenting group I am part of (in NY) and I can emphasize with the pre-school panic parents are put into by all the crap they have to deal with to make sure their little ones get a good educational start. I mean, ERB tests, pre-school portfolios, interviews with the child...it's absurd! And I am sure I would be part of the craze, if I would be there right now with Maia getting into kindergarden age.
Here they send you a letter that she is enrolled (automatically) in the kindergarten nearest you. The teachers are sweet, the kids are kids, they do lots of activities and hike a lot and that's the end of the story. No stress.
I have also just found an opportunity to ride someone's horse a few times a week. It'll cost me $75/month. I have always wanted that...next to wanting a horse myself, of course.
But regardless of all that, I miss New York. As much as I hate the traffic, the attitude, and the unbelievably unfair costs of this city (which make it impossible for the average or poor joe to enjoy the goodies) - I still love it because I feel it is my home. I grew up (mostly) in Vorarlberg but I feel like New York is where I belong.Also, I miss my friends like crazy. :(
I have very good friends here. Some are my best friends since childhood and I love them but my friends in NY were closer (in proximity), so I actually saw them every day and that made them like family to me. Rosa and I lead an almost symbiotic life. We shared dinner duties, drove each other's kids around, sat together for 1am movies and drinks to wind down from the day. This I just don't have here. All I have is a job that sucks every usable minute of the day out of me and an occasional meeting with one of my friends (- meetings I enjoy very much but are way too seldomly arrangable).
Maybe I just need to get used to my new home...
I realized today, that Dario has been the one who has passive-aggressively moved me into almost every direction my life has and has not taken into the past 10 years (kids, where we live, how we live, Austria, ...). If I think back, it was even he who suggested the college I went to. Again, a college I like very much - especially for its people - but had I had good advice (being a new immigrant) I probably would have attended a different school. God knows, in the States it's all about the name of the school you went to but I didn't know back then.I would have probably not moved to the Bronx (and spent so many years in a neighborhood that made me lose trust in people) and I would have probably met more people like Rosa is telling me about.
She always tells me that I have seen too much bad in the city and that not all people are like that. Her 2 older kids - 17-year-old twin boys - have grown up in the city and they are really great, normal kids. She never feared leaving them at school.
It doesn't matter. I miss and love all of it. I miss my ghetto friends as much as I miss my Ivy Leaguers. It has always been who I am. Always between the chairs, as they say in German...and maybe this is just my fate.I can draw that line through my entire life. Never truly belonging.But I am afraid to get into that. That will be part of a different self-analysis. One that might break me, even.
Monday, September 11, 2006
9/11: remembering Michael
**********
Michael was my dear friend Michelle's elder brother. I am an immigrant myself and Michelle was my first real friend in New York City. I have always admired the close relationship between the Baksh siblings and I always hope that my hubbie and I will be able to accomplish what Mr. and Mrs. Baksh have accomplished with their four children. I have never seen such intense family ties. I met Michael and his wife and kids at several occasions and to me they seemed like the kind of relationship one should strive for. Their love and respect for each other was evident even to a stranger. And their kids, Ava and James, are just the sweetest things.They will carry their father's traits into the future and Michael will live on through them. When my grandfather died my father consoled my tears with an encouragement... He told me that as long as we remember he will live on.Michael has made a deep impression on so many people who will always remember that; he has lived life to the fullest, he has studied, he has had music, he has loved, he has had children, he has had God in his life, he was happy. I am taking an example. He's a role-model.I think about him and his family often and I always pray that their pain will cease and that only the good will remain. I am convinced Michael is with them, for there is more to life than just our physical world. Love lives on.Christina, Ava, Michelle, Asha, Mona, Kas, Mr. & Mrs. Baksh -- All my love to you and may God give you strength -- every day. Michael is with you --every day. And this is for James, too...he's too little to read now...but who knows, maybe he will get to this collection of memories and thoughts one day.
sisi 2001
**********
Michael lost his life in the North Tower of the WTC on his very first day of work.
Thinking of Michael today, this 5th anniversary of this terrible terrible day.
I wish that one day only love and fond memories will replace the pain I know still haunts my very dear friend's heart.
I love you, Michelle. Be strong today!
Michael was my dear friend Michelle's elder brother. I am an immigrant myself and Michelle was my first real friend in New York City. I have always admired the close relationship between the Baksh siblings and I always hope that my hubbie and I will be able to accomplish what Mr. and Mrs. Baksh have accomplished with their four children. I have never seen such intense family ties. I met Michael and his wife and kids at several occasions and to me they seemed like the kind of relationship one should strive for. Their love and respect for each other was evident even to a stranger. And their kids, Ava and James, are just the sweetest things.They will carry their father's traits into the future and Michael will live on through them. When my grandfather died my father consoled my tears with an encouragement... He told me that as long as we remember he will live on.Michael has made a deep impression on so many people who will always remember that; he has lived life to the fullest, he has studied, he has had music, he has loved, he has had children, he has had God in his life, he was happy. I am taking an example. He's a role-model.I think about him and his family often and I always pray that their pain will cease and that only the good will remain. I am convinced Michael is with them, for there is more to life than just our physical world. Love lives on.Christina, Ava, Michelle, Asha, Mona, Kas, Mr. & Mrs. Baksh -- All my love to you and may God give you strength -- every day. Michael is with you --every day. And this is for James, too...he's too little to read now...but who knows, maybe he will get to this collection of memories and thoughts one day.
sisi 2001
**********
Michael lost his life in the North Tower of the WTC on his very first day of work.
Thinking of Michael today, this 5th anniversary of this terrible terrible day.
I wish that one day only love and fond memories will replace the pain I know still haunts my very dear friend's heart.
I love you, Michelle. Be strong today!
Sunday, September 10, 2006
why can't we be happy
ok, so I am aware of why I am not particularly content at the moment (see bad luck streak described in earlier posts - bad job, lost apartment, non-paying tenants, etc.) but I must say, I have realized that I have spent most of my life complaining of where I am at the moment.
I have also observed similar behavior in my friends, so I would say it's a human habit. Why can we never be happy? (if anybody leaves me a comment now about how happy and dandy they are with their lives, I'm gonna have a fit.) Nah, but seriously.... I mean, I am grateful for my life and my family and all the things I have but the moments of true happiness are very short-lived. Most often they include my children (when they are not whining and screaming for no good reason ;) or when I am in nature.
Maybe I can't think straight at the moment (in a work-haze), and that's why I feel like there is no light.
My job, you won't believe it, has gotten worse. Now my boss is critizing my work, which makes it really official now: EVERYBODY hates the project manager.
I have never ever woken up in the morning and didn't want to go to work. I have never felt uncomfortable or unhappy going to work. Understimulated, maybe ...but never unhappy...(yes, I am aware of the fact that I just told you that I am never happy. geez...do you have to take everything so literal? ;)
Anyway, so I have never been depressed about going to work and I certainly never ever have cried because of the pressure of my job. Granted, I have a lot to carry right now (lone breadwinner, etc.) and I am possibly PMSing...but today was the second time I had to retreat into the bathroom to cry because I couldn't take it anymore.
I am such a whiner I am annoying myself.
Lemme go.
I'll be back when I have better stuff to blog.
I have also observed similar behavior in my friends, so I would say it's a human habit. Why can we never be happy? (if anybody leaves me a comment now about how happy and dandy they are with their lives, I'm gonna have a fit.) Nah, but seriously.... I mean, I am grateful for my life and my family and all the things I have but the moments of true happiness are very short-lived. Most often they include my children (when they are not whining and screaming for no good reason ;) or when I am in nature.
Maybe I can't think straight at the moment (in a work-haze), and that's why I feel like there is no light.
My job, you won't believe it, has gotten worse. Now my boss is critizing my work, which makes it really official now: EVERYBODY hates the project manager.
I have never ever woken up in the morning and didn't want to go to work. I have never felt uncomfortable or unhappy going to work. Understimulated, maybe ...but never unhappy...(yes, I am aware of the fact that I just told you that I am never happy. geez...do you have to take everything so literal? ;)
Anyway, so I have never been depressed about going to work and I certainly never ever have cried because of the pressure of my job. Granted, I have a lot to carry right now (lone breadwinner, etc.) and I am possibly PMSing...but today was the second time I had to retreat into the bathroom to cry because I couldn't take it anymore.
I am such a whiner I am annoying myself.
Lemme go.
I'll be back when I have better stuff to blog.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
unstable New Yorkers?
Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "D humors me":
You find that New Yorkers are unstable? I thought you loved New York and thus New Yorkers?
--------------------------------------
I knew I was gonna hear it for that one. First of all, you can't throw everyone in one pot and there are about 8 million people in NYC - so: NO, of course, I don't think New Yorkers are unstable. If you know my blog then you will also know that some of my very best and dearest friends are New Yorkers, so ...
However, in a city and in a country as big as NY or the US there is a whole bunch of unstable people, and I have met quite a few of them having lived in NYC for 10 years. And if you are a New Yorker then you should know what I am talking about.
Now, of course, there are unstable people everywhere, but I come from a small country (Austria) and grew up in an even smaller state within it (Vorarlberg) and I have never met anyone unstable. They just are who they are, ....which doesn't mean they are all great. But, and I have said this before, asses are gonna be asses pretty much from the start. They are not going to be sweet and nice and always helpful and then suddenly turn psycho on you.
For example, betrayals or break-ups (or the concept of "back-stabbing") by one's friends was completely foreign to me until I've moved to the States. I am reading Queen Bees & Wannabees by Rosalind Wiseman at the moment and what she describes as simple reality of American girls' adolescence is strange and scary to me at the same time. Apparently it is only natural for teenage girls (and their friends) to betray each other or play with trust.
Wiseman writes: Many girls will make it through their teen years precisely because they have the support and care of a few good friends. These are the friendships where a girl truly feels uncoditionally accepted and understood - and they can last into adulthood and support her search for adult relationships. On the other hand, girls can be each other's worst enemies. Girls' friendships in adolescence are often intense, confusing, frustrating, and humiliating, the joy and security of "best friends" shattered by devastating breakups and betrayals.
I wonder, what kind of guidance I would be to my girls if we'd decided to move back, which might not be all that impossible - given the latest developments (not all blogged, yet). I would be completely useless, for I have NO IDEA how to handle the apparently very normal conditions of US middle- and highschool social life. The best friends I have made during my schoolyears are still my best friends. The people we didn't click with in middle- or highschool we just didn't click with (were still polite and friendly with) but this was about the end of it. There was no ostracizing, no bad-mouthing, no intrigue, and certainly no jokes about one's choice of clothes (geez, I think I would have been burnt at the stake, had I gone to school in the US.... thinking about all the fashion-mistakes I've commited. That's what you get from being raised by your father only. No woman to stop you when you're walking out the door looking like you've randomly picked your wardrobe out of a Good-will clothes collectionbox.)
However, the realities presented to me in the above mentioned book kind of make me understand why I was so traumatized by my broken frienship(s) in New York. I was just not familiar with the concept of friends breaking up or sabotaging each other and it completely threw me off.
People always have told me I have too much trust in others. But, I must say, I am beginning to lose that trust... I have become so disillusioned and numb lately. It's kinda funny actually. I've been having much more drama during my adulthood so far than I have had my entire childhood or adolesence. Maybe it's just the universe's way to create a balance. ;)
I asked my friend Heidi, with whom I grew up, if she thinks that maybe it was just the way we were? Or if, maybe, it could be me? Maybe I am blind to the sneakyness of others. Maybe my naïveté protected me and made me who I am. I truly believe all people are good to begin with and that it is always in their heart somewhere, regardless of all the bad they might do or have done in their lives. I really really try to never be judgmental toward the individual in front of me (and the bitching doesn't mean anything). I will always forgive someone who apologizes and I always try to understand.
...how the heck did I end up here? ...at this mind-numbing self-analysis deadend? Self-analyis is for...well oneself...everyone else will probably be bored out of their mind, so I'll be signing off now. ;)
so long.
oh, wait...I never wrote down my friend's answer to my question. I mean, what's the point of starting off with "I asked my friend Heidi..." if I then don't mention her response somewhere.
So here it is: She said that her younger sister (10 years younger, I think) never liked going to school at first, because she was constantly teased by her classmates and because her teachers weren't nice (and she went to the same school Heidi and I started out with). When they moved to a different town, the girl had a very different experience and began enjoying her school life again. When they finally got her into a Montessori school it seemed the perfect fit. She just graduated successfully from Highschool, by the way.
You find that New Yorkers are unstable? I thought you loved New York and thus New Yorkers?
--------------------------------------
I knew I was gonna hear it for that one. First of all, you can't throw everyone in one pot and there are about 8 million people in NYC - so: NO, of course, I don't think New Yorkers are unstable. If you know my blog then you will also know that some of my very best and dearest friends are New Yorkers, so ...
However, in a city and in a country as big as NY or the US there is a whole bunch of unstable people, and I have met quite a few of them having lived in NYC for 10 years. And if you are a New Yorker then you should know what I am talking about.
Now, of course, there are unstable people everywhere, but I come from a small country (Austria) and grew up in an even smaller state within it (Vorarlberg) and I have never met anyone unstable. They just are who they are, ....which doesn't mean they are all great. But, and I have said this before, asses are gonna be asses pretty much from the start. They are not going to be sweet and nice and always helpful and then suddenly turn psycho on you.
For example, betrayals or break-ups (or the concept of "back-stabbing") by one's friends was completely foreign to me until I've moved to the States. I am reading Queen Bees & Wannabees by Rosalind Wiseman at the moment and what she describes as simple reality of American girls' adolescence is strange and scary to me at the same time. Apparently it is only natural for teenage girls (and their friends) to betray each other or play with trust.
Wiseman writes: Many girls will make it through their teen years precisely because they have the support and care of a few good friends. These are the friendships where a girl truly feels uncoditionally accepted and understood - and they can last into adulthood and support her search for adult relationships. On the other hand, girls can be each other's worst enemies. Girls' friendships in adolescence are often intense, confusing, frustrating, and humiliating, the joy and security of "best friends" shattered by devastating breakups and betrayals.
I wonder, what kind of guidance I would be to my girls if we'd decided to move back, which might not be all that impossible - given the latest developments (not all blogged, yet). I would be completely useless, for I have NO IDEA how to handle the apparently very normal conditions of US middle- and highschool social life. The best friends I have made during my schoolyears are still my best friends. The people we didn't click with in middle- or highschool we just didn't click with (were still polite and friendly with) but this was about the end of it. There was no ostracizing, no bad-mouthing, no intrigue, and certainly no jokes about one's choice of clothes (geez, I think I would have been burnt at the stake, had I gone to school in the US.... thinking about all the fashion-mistakes I've commited. That's what you get from being raised by your father only. No woman to stop you when you're walking out the door looking like you've randomly picked your wardrobe out of a Good-will clothes collectionbox.)
However, the realities presented to me in the above mentioned book kind of make me understand why I was so traumatized by my broken frienship(s) in New York. I was just not familiar with the concept of friends breaking up or sabotaging each other and it completely threw me off.
People always have told me I have too much trust in others. But, I must say, I am beginning to lose that trust... I have become so disillusioned and numb lately. It's kinda funny actually. I've been having much more drama during my adulthood so far than I have had my entire childhood or adolesence. Maybe it's just the universe's way to create a balance. ;)
I asked my friend Heidi, with whom I grew up, if she thinks that maybe it was just the way we were? Or if, maybe, it could be me? Maybe I am blind to the sneakyness of others. Maybe my naïveté protected me and made me who I am. I truly believe all people are good to begin with and that it is always in their heart somewhere, regardless of all the bad they might do or have done in their lives. I really really try to never be judgmental toward the individual in front of me (and the bitching doesn't mean anything). I will always forgive someone who apologizes and I always try to understand.
...how the heck did I end up here? ...at this mind-numbing self-analysis deadend? Self-analyis is for...well oneself...everyone else will probably be bored out of their mind, so I'll be signing off now. ;)
so long.
oh, wait...I never wrote down my friend's answer to my question. I mean, what's the point of starting off with "I asked my friend Heidi..." if I then don't mention her response somewhere.
So here it is: She said that her younger sister (10 years younger, I think) never liked going to school at first, because she was constantly teased by her classmates and because her teachers weren't nice (and she went to the same school Heidi and I started out with). When they moved to a different town, the girl had a very different experience and began enjoying her school life again. When they finally got her into a Montessori school it seemed the perfect fit. She just graduated successfully from Highschool, by the way.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
D humors me
The past two days it's been gorgeous outside.
You know, I said to Dario, it really is beautiful here when it's sunny. Why can't it always be like that? Why does the weather here have to be so damn unstable? I don't think I can take that. We're gonna have to move back to NY.
D's repartee:
Well, what do you prefer? Unstable weather or unstable people?
---------------------
And here one more tidbit from the kids' front (most of which I am missing lately...working all the time.) ...so this is what D tells me:
Maia is walking by with a cookie.
Nayla (now 2.5 yrs.) turns to her and screams at the top of her lungs: MAIAA! Share with your sister!!
I am so tired, I can't even decide anymore if this is only funny to me, or could be amusing to the rest of the world, as well. sigh. Guess, it's just gonna have to make it into this entry, since I don't have the mental strength to write anything more today.
I don't get to play anymore. :<
You know, I said to Dario, it really is beautiful here when it's sunny. Why can't it always be like that? Why does the weather here have to be so damn unstable? I don't think I can take that. We're gonna have to move back to NY.
D's repartee:
Well, what do you prefer? Unstable weather or unstable people?
---------------------
And here one more tidbit from the kids' front (most of which I am missing lately...working all the time.) ...so this is what D tells me:
Maia is walking by with a cookie.
Nayla (now 2.5 yrs.) turns to her and screams at the top of her lungs: MAIAA! Share with your sister!!
I am so tired, I can't even decide anymore if this is only funny to me, or could be amusing to the rest of the world, as well. sigh. Guess, it's just gonna have to make it into this entry, since I don't have the mental strength to write anything more today.
I don't get to play anymore. :<
Saturday, September 02, 2006
what kind of mother am I?!
the kids - as much I looove them - are driving me pretty crazy lately. maybe it's the fact that I am totally overworked, ....or maybe it's that D acts like one of them sometimes, fighting for my attention in exactly the same manner: loud, repetitve questions ending in "Ma, Ma, Ma'aaa!"
I just wonder, whether it really is a genetic thing with my inability to assume my role as a mother as naturally as some other women can (my mother left us 3 kids when I was 11 years old to follow her calling - and I don't blame her for it, although I don't think I could ever live without my children - yes, I realize, one day I will have to cope with this, for they will grow up...but you know what I mean).
I mean, I love my kids, would die for them and all that natural stuff (no joke) but I find myself challenged with the daily stuff. Yes, I do it well but not because it comes to me this way but because I read myself to death on the topic of kids up to this age. I also ask parents whose kids I admire, and I always, always observe and remember.
However, it seems like I've been approaching this whole child-upbringing thing from a rather professional angle. I take it like a job, which I am trying to do well but might not necessarily be too fulfilled with.
Of course, fact is that probably no parent really knows what the hell they're doing (not all of them aware of this) but I've seen some women that are incredibly deep into their role as a mother, while I always wonder where I would be now if I hadn't given in to Dario's wish to have kids so early. I realize, of course, that 26 isn't all that early but I hadn't planned for kids (if at all) until I was at least in my mid-thirties. I wanted to make sure I was somewhat content with all I had done. Now I am always wondering if I have lost something of myself in the last 10 years with Dario.
I love Dario. I do. And I wouldn't want to be without him, even if I weren't with him.
I love my children. I really really do. And I thank God for their health and presence every day. I do.
But sometimes I wonder - guiltily - where I am.
I am trying to live without regrets, remember. It's that thing on my list of 43 things I want to do. The list I would have written, anyway, if I had found any time for it. But it seems almost impossible to do so. Are there really people out there that can do that?? I think, it is in our nature to remember and to philosophize and thus, as a consequence, there must be regret somewhere... even, if that doesn't necessarily mean I would like to have someone else's life. I don't. I just wonder, how different my life would be if I had taken different paths...or better: if I had stayed on certain paths (music, theatre, film,...applied to Harvard...).
Oh well, by now I would definitely be too dumb to go to an Ivy League College, anyway. Being too old and too poor probably doesn't look good on an application either. ;)
O.K. now I think it's enough with the self-pity for the day. I can barely take it myself anymore.
I am just listening to an Alanis Morissette song on pandora.com - "Isn't it Ironic" Acoustic Version - and she just sang one of the lines differently. ...saw you and your beautiful husband or something like this. ..anyway..isn't that supposed to say "wife"? Is Alanis gay? I didn't even know. Anyway, I used to be addicted to that album. Mygoodness, Dario's ADD is rubbing off, I think.
oh well, let me call it a night. nothing more good can come of such rambling.
I just wonder, whether it really is a genetic thing with my inability to assume my role as a mother as naturally as some other women can (my mother left us 3 kids when I was 11 years old to follow her calling - and I don't blame her for it, although I don't think I could ever live without my children - yes, I realize, one day I will have to cope with this, for they will grow up...but you know what I mean).
I mean, I love my kids, would die for them and all that natural stuff (no joke) but I find myself challenged with the daily stuff. Yes, I do it well but not because it comes to me this way but because I read myself to death on the topic of kids up to this age. I also ask parents whose kids I admire, and I always, always observe and remember.
However, it seems like I've been approaching this whole child-upbringing thing from a rather professional angle. I take it like a job, which I am trying to do well but might not necessarily be too fulfilled with.
Of course, fact is that probably no parent really knows what the hell they're doing (not all of them aware of this) but I've seen some women that are incredibly deep into their role as a mother, while I always wonder where I would be now if I hadn't given in to Dario's wish to have kids so early. I realize, of course, that 26 isn't all that early but I hadn't planned for kids (if at all) until I was at least in my mid-thirties. I wanted to make sure I was somewhat content with all I had done. Now I am always wondering if I have lost something of myself in the last 10 years with Dario.
I love Dario. I do. And I wouldn't want to be without him, even if I weren't with him.
I love my children. I really really do. And I thank God for their health and presence every day. I do.
But sometimes I wonder - guiltily - where I am.
I am trying to live without regrets, remember. It's that thing on my list of 43 things I want to do. The list I would have written, anyway, if I had found any time for it. But it seems almost impossible to do so. Are there really people out there that can do that?? I think, it is in our nature to remember and to philosophize and thus, as a consequence, there must be regret somewhere... even, if that doesn't necessarily mean I would like to have someone else's life. I don't. I just wonder, how different my life would be if I had taken different paths...or better: if I had stayed on certain paths (music, theatre, film,...applied to Harvard...).
Oh well, by now I would definitely be too dumb to go to an Ivy League College, anyway. Being too old and too poor probably doesn't look good on an application either. ;)
O.K. now I think it's enough with the self-pity for the day. I can barely take it myself anymore.
I am just listening to an Alanis Morissette song on pandora.com - "Isn't it Ironic" Acoustic Version - and she just sang one of the lines differently. ...saw you and your beautiful husband or something like this. ..anyway..isn't that supposed to say "wife"? Is Alanis gay? I didn't even know. Anyway, I used to be addicted to that album. Mygoodness, Dario's ADD is rubbing off, I think.
oh well, let me call it a night. nothing more good can come of such rambling.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
life...
if you've read the previous post there might be a few redundant pieces of information in this entry, for I am posting an e-mail exchange between me and my very dear friend beth for today:
Hi Beth!
thank you for your e-mail and the great webcam pics of you and H. Nayla and I enjoyed them very much!!! Still have to show them to D and Maia.
I miss you. Work has been crazy stressful and I could really need some advice right about now on how to deal with mobbing at the office..or how to deal with people, period.
Today, after reflecting on the fact that my job is emotionally draining (I might like to organize, create solutions, etc. but to deal with the constant intrigue, accusations, and conflict just isn't for me. me, who always wants to be liked by everyone ;) - I am about to qualify this character-trait as a weakness. ...anyway, ...so where was I?
... reflecting about the new job, the fact that I just got kicked out of our apartment - long story - (don't even want to think about all the work and expenses that entails), the problem with our non-paying tenants in NY, and the fact that it it has been raining the whole month of August here. Today it is as cold as New York in December. It even snowed on the mountain peaks here... it is Auuuugust, dammit!!!
For a moment there I was thinking of throwing in the towel and just coming home (note how I refer to NY as home..hmmm..). But the thought of all the wasted time and money is killing me. It took a LOT of phonecalls, errand-runnings, form-filling, furniture carrying, and money-spending to get to where we are now. Maia finally is able to communicate with the kids in her kindergarten. She instantly translates full sentences from English into German. It's amazing.
Also, I have been reading my blog entries from back home (again, NY)...and I am worried that NYC will destroy my marriage. People have too much attitude and you never hear the calming/reasoning feedback you need to hear when you are about to wring your partner's neck. ;) I need to bitch and friend X needs to say, "yes but think about this...." instead of "that bastard, you should leave him. forget the marriage and the kids" ;)
I am having a little trouble lately, again. so it's not all rosy here, either. but that's life and that's marriage,...I suppose. gotta remain realistic and focus on the positive.
almost quit my job today... ;)
so out of answers. so lost at the moment. too much resposibility ALL on me... the pressure is a killer.
talk soon,
love,
sisi
PS: THANK YOU, for your package by the way! Maia and Nayla were soo excited about it and we started to do the US-map-sticker-game right away. (I never knew the capital of Florida is Talahassee. ...and, to my great embarrassment, I must admit, thought Disneyworld is in California. ;) ... (I guess, I was thinking about U.Studios).
------------------------------------
beth replies:
Hi....
.....you sound like you really have your hands full!!!......
.....as far as NYC= LET ME HELP YOU....can I help file papers,(where's P?) put pressure on someone?.....sometimes people think if you are far away that they can step over....
above all H & I are your 'friends' (more like family) and we love you guys....so if we can do ANYTHING, don't hesitate....my stuff w/my Mother is ongoing and I've been at it for a while so I can manage time for YOU!
THERE IS ALWAYS A REASON for things to happen:
1.) YOUR MOVE was (at least, I realized this) was in part to 'save' you relationship because you knew it IS that IMPORTANT.
2.) YOUR GIRLS will be fine w/the change...BOTH are smart/beautiful and love to learn and exposure to a lifestyle where they can really just 'BE' & to GROW through their own strengths & talents is FAR better than the OVERSTRUCTURED lives too many of USA children are having now....
3) the JOB = no job (& co-workers) is perfect....you said you were allowed to at least "think" w/this job?
remember you have great skills and from what you told me Austria's 'support' sytem was great (compared to USA)
.....there's no law that says you can't 'scout' for another job now that you are in Austria...
YOU are wonderful for your capacity to cover all the details / be responsible to a 'fault'/ remember all the people in your life and always look out for them....this is a great thing, and MOST PEOPLE DON'T have these qualities.....@ work there are only 'intrigues' IF you LET THEM BE SO.....give a 'deaf ear' to office gossip!
try not to give things that really aren't important (they only seem so at the time) IMPORTANCE!
REMEMBER how you wondered how I could deal w/certain things @ situation at my job?.....well I basically told myself "since I am NOT getting taken at dawn to be put in front of a cannon to be shot = I am 'me' and I can deal w/ what comes next"......& ask yourself the question "is this really important to me & my family?"
4.)...good grief!...move to another apartment? more than a pain in the ass! BUT this is NOW,.. soooooo go forward....
(I presume you will be able to find one close by?)
....YOU let Dario handle this!!! TELL HIM it's all on him to handle the move (and S. please DO let him handle it=all men need to find responsibility, (even if some mistakes are made) it's hard when they are married to STRONG WOMEN!)
...as long as your kids aren't sleeping in the street = I am sure he can handle this!!! (tell him I said SO!)
....& when you are 85 (...or MY AGE) you will look back and can proudly say "I SURVIVED THIS TOO!"
WHEN CAN WE TALK??????? I will try you again TODAY @ 4:00PM (NYC) = 10:00PM (AUST)
LOVE & MISS YOU ALL
XXXOOO
b
Hi Beth!
thank you for your e-mail and the great webcam pics of you and H. Nayla and I enjoyed them very much!!! Still have to show them to D and Maia.
I miss you. Work has been crazy stressful and I could really need some advice right about now on how to deal with mobbing at the office..or how to deal with people, period.
Today, after reflecting on the fact that my job is emotionally draining (I might like to organize, create solutions, etc. but to deal with the constant intrigue, accusations, and conflict just isn't for me. me, who always wants to be liked by everyone ;) - I am about to qualify this character-trait as a weakness. ...anyway, ...so where was I?
... reflecting about the new job, the fact that I just got kicked out of our apartment - long story - (don't even want to think about all the work and expenses that entails), the problem with our non-paying tenants in NY, and the fact that it it has been raining the whole month of August here. Today it is as cold as New York in December. It even snowed on the mountain peaks here... it is Auuuugust, dammit!!!
For a moment there I was thinking of throwing in the towel and just coming home (note how I refer to NY as home..hmmm..). But the thought of all the wasted time and money is killing me. It took a LOT of phonecalls, errand-runnings, form-filling, furniture carrying, and money-spending to get to where we are now. Maia finally is able to communicate with the kids in her kindergarten. She instantly translates full sentences from English into German. It's amazing.
Also, I have been reading my blog entries from back home (again, NY)...and I am worried that NYC will destroy my marriage. People have too much attitude and you never hear the calming/reasoning feedback you need to hear when you are about to wring your partner's neck. ;) I need to bitch and friend X needs to say, "yes but think about this...." instead of "that bastard, you should leave him. forget the marriage and the kids" ;)
I am having a little trouble lately, again. so it's not all rosy here, either. but that's life and that's marriage,...I suppose. gotta remain realistic and focus on the positive.
almost quit my job today... ;)
so out of answers. so lost at the moment. too much resposibility ALL on me... the pressure is a killer.
talk soon,
love,
sisi
PS: THANK YOU, for your package by the way! Maia and Nayla were soo excited about it and we started to do the US-map-sticker-game right away. (I never knew the capital of Florida is Talahassee. ...and, to my great embarrassment, I must admit, thought Disneyworld is in California. ;) ... (I guess, I was thinking about U.Studios).
------------------------------------
beth replies:
Hi....
.....you sound like you really have your hands full!!!......
.....as far as NYC= LET ME HELP YOU....can I help file papers,(where's P?) put pressure on someone?.....sometimes people think if you are far away that they can step over....
above all H & I are your 'friends' (more like family) and we love you guys....so if we can do ANYTHING, don't hesitate....my stuff w/my Mother is ongoing and I've been at it for a while so I can manage time for YOU!
THERE IS ALWAYS A REASON for things to happen:
1.) YOUR MOVE was (at least, I realized this) was in part to 'save' you relationship because you knew it IS that IMPORTANT.
2.) YOUR GIRLS will be fine w/the change...BOTH are smart/beautiful and love to learn and exposure to a lifestyle where they can really just 'BE' & to GROW through their own strengths & talents is FAR better than the OVERSTRUCTURED lives too many of USA children are having now....
3) the JOB = no job (& co-workers) is perfect....you said you were allowed to at least "think" w/this job?
remember you have great skills and from what you told me Austria's 'support' sytem was great (compared to USA)
.....there's no law that says you can't 'scout' for another job now that you are in Austria...
YOU are wonderful for your capacity to cover all the details / be responsible to a 'fault'/ remember all the people in your life and always look out for them....this is a great thing, and MOST PEOPLE DON'T have these qualities.....@ work there are only 'intrigues' IF you LET THEM BE SO.....give a 'deaf ear' to office gossip!
try not to give things that really aren't important (they only seem so at the time) IMPORTANCE!
REMEMBER how you wondered how I could deal w/certain things @ situation at my job?.....well I basically told myself "since I am NOT getting taken at dawn to be put in front of a cannon to be shot = I am 'me' and I can deal w/ what comes next"......& ask yourself the question "is this really important to me & my family?"
4.)...good grief!...move to another apartment? more than a pain in the ass! BUT this is NOW,.. soooooo go forward....
(I presume you will be able to find one close by?)
....YOU let Dario handle this!!! TELL HIM it's all on him to handle the move (and S. please DO let him handle it=all men need to find responsibility, (even if some mistakes are made) it's hard when they are married to STRONG WOMEN!)
...as long as your kids aren't sleeping in the street = I am sure he can handle this!!! (tell him I said SO!)
....& when you are 85 (...or MY AGE) you will look back and can proudly say "I SURVIVED THIS TOO!"
WHEN CAN WE TALK??????? I will try you again TODAY @ 4:00PM (NYC) = 10:00PM (AUST)
LOVE & MISS YOU ALL
XXXOOO
b
Monday, August 28, 2006
from bad to worse..
funny, when good things happen to me I see signs and interconnections everywhere.
when bad things happen, I usually try to see the positive in it (although, you might not notice that in my bitch-heavy posts) and I always have faith,...trust that things will get better eventually.
lately, however, it's been difficult to stay all that positive. my job has become even more stressful than it was before. i didn't think that was actually possible but add a good dosis of intrigue, powerplay, social pressure, and questionable compensation and you've got yourself a job you could hate. ;)
what i need to learn, is to stand above this all and not take any of the attacks personally. (everybody hates the project manager, ...including the project manager).
what i cannot do is to give a shit about it all. i do care if they like me because i have no strong social network outside of work to fall back on and i am at work all the f'in time, so it would be nice to get along well with my colleagues.
a lot of them like to argue, though, and I really don't. I usually tend to avoid conflict until all the repressed feelings start to eat me alive. ;)
it's interesting how different an office-dynamic one gets working with almost all women. i am used to working with almost all men (having worked in an IT department for almost 7 years). of course, that can be annoying at times, too, ...and one wouldn't believe how men can gossip sometimes, but all in all: much less stressful.
also, usually i started off good with the guys, while i have to earn my respect with the girls here. they really are very judgmental. throw me into a compartment, hate me or despise me... I don't know why. i never get the benefit of the doubt. the problem is that i don't like to fight dirty so i end up being the sucka most of the times. i don't instigate, i don't point out their mistakes, failures, or mishaps, while they are quick and loud as can be in return.
vern says it's because i am too much of a tomboy. i don't think womanly enough. he might be right.
anyway, ..so while the job has been a heavy load on my mind lately i am happy to report that it isn't anymore as of this afternoon. this is when my landlord called me to inform me that she is kicking us out of our apartment (!). Apparently, her mother, who lives above us, can't take the commotion of having small kids in the building, after all. I said, well couldn't you think of this before you rented this apartment to us only 4 months ago? before I paid an arm and a leg to the real-estate agent? before I spent thousands of dollars to pay for a move, furnishings, etc.? before we carried 2 "tons" of firewood up the stairs? before we planted trees, veggies, flowers, and a freakin' grapevine in the garden? (yeah..ehm..that's D's work..he's a bit of a gardening freak).
when bad things happen, I usually try to see the positive in it (although, you might not notice that in my bitch-heavy posts) and I always have faith,...trust that things will get better eventually.
lately, however, it's been difficult to stay all that positive. my job has become even more stressful than it was before. i didn't think that was actually possible but add a good dosis of intrigue, powerplay, social pressure, and questionable compensation and you've got yourself a job you could hate. ;)
what i need to learn, is to stand above this all and not take any of the attacks personally. (everybody hates the project manager, ...including the project manager).
what i cannot do is to give a shit about it all. i do care if they like me because i have no strong social network outside of work to fall back on and i am at work all the f'in time, so it would be nice to get along well with my colleagues.
a lot of them like to argue, though, and I really don't. I usually tend to avoid conflict until all the repressed feelings start to eat me alive. ;)
it's interesting how different an office-dynamic one gets working with almost all women. i am used to working with almost all men (having worked in an IT department for almost 7 years). of course, that can be annoying at times, too, ...and one wouldn't believe how men can gossip sometimes, but all in all: much less stressful.
also, usually i started off good with the guys, while i have to earn my respect with the girls here. they really are very judgmental. throw me into a compartment, hate me or despise me... I don't know why. i never get the benefit of the doubt. the problem is that i don't like to fight dirty so i end up being the sucka most of the times. i don't instigate, i don't point out their mistakes, failures, or mishaps, while they are quick and loud as can be in return.
vern says it's because i am too much of a tomboy. i don't think womanly enough. he might be right.
anyway, ..so while the job has been a heavy load on my mind lately i am happy to report that it isn't anymore as of this afternoon. this is when my landlord called me to inform me that she is kicking us out of our apartment (!). Apparently, her mother, who lives above us, can't take the commotion of having small kids in the building, after all. I said, well couldn't you think of this before you rented this apartment to us only 4 months ago? before I paid an arm and a leg to the real-estate agent? before I spent thousands of dollars to pay for a move, furnishings, etc.? before we carried 2 "tons" of firewood up the stairs? before we planted trees, veggies, flowers, and a freakin' grapevine in the garden? (yeah..ehm..that's D's work..he's a bit of a gardening freak).
and it keeps on raining...
it is really hard to stay positive at the moment. ...oh and did I mention, that our tenants in NY still haven't paid what they owe. that's 3 months rent now.
well, at least I have two healthy girls, Dario still loves me, I think, (although, I am rather irritable lately and work crazy hours), and ... yeah...I'm out of positive thoughts for tonight.
I am thankful for the friends that I do have here...even though, I don't get to see them much.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
flyiiiing by
time is flying by me (all I do is work, work, work, work....oh and did I mention, WORK.) anyway, so I am getting back to posting mails I've written lately. Don't have time to make a blog entry, too. so here is the easy way out ;) :
hey girl,
[...]
I heard about the state of emergency that was called in NYC due to the heat. How are u holding out?
It's been raining here for almost 2 weeks now. It is so cold we all need sweaters and jackets. It's strange considering the summers I've had during the past 10 years.
My tenants are turning out to be real deadbeats. They haven't paid the rent in 3 months and I am about to have a nervous break-down about that.
They say that will catch up definitely by end of August, beginning of September. And they are - besides seemingly irresponsible - very nice people - so I am a sucka and let them get away with it.
But only until end of August. If they haven't made up for July and Aug. rent by then, I am going to tell them to leave...and I guess, I will do that parallel to the court paperwork. Ahhh, just what I need. More money to throw out the window.
[...]
My friend found open mail from them (lost between our mail, which they slipped under our door). It turned out to be a document from the IRS telling them that they owe 14,000.- .... How are they ever going to pay the rent?!! :O
Everybody is telling me to throw them out NOW ... but I guess, this is all easier said than done. I work fulltime, have a shitload of other crap to do, and oh yeah, maybe the fact that I live on another continent isn't making this any easier...
End of August - that's when I will make the decision (which will then depend on whether they have paid the agreed amount until then or not).
[ I know, you have a lot of crap to do, but I would really appreciate if you could do one or the other office run for me, if shit really hits the fan. I think I have exhausted my favor calls from Rosa and Pabs, who are both also crazy busy themselves. We have even had to enlist Rene's help for a few weeks (to get Dario's certificate of good conduct) ]. I will only ask you if absolutely necessary and then please just say yes, if you are feeling ok.
Other than that there is the letter I got from the collection agency about the cablevision account Dario was supposed to close, and swears he did. So, that's another couple of hours with mostly indifferent and often incompetent costumer service on the phone for me. yeiih.
***
Dario has been busy doing webwork. He's doing websites and logos for 2 people (one is a hockey recruiter from Boston, the other one a business man - actually an old friend of ours - from Connecticut.). He also has just openend an ebay shop, which he populates with items from his drop-shipping "company" - you might have gotten an e-mail with the webURL from him in the past few weeks. I am happy for him but he is on the computer wayyy too much now, and he just doesn't realize. I am having flashbacks to our old life in NY.
Other than that our family life has been signficantly more harmonious since we have moved. I am not sure, whether it is the new environment or the influence from others but I am going we the latter theory. It just isn't part of the culture here to fall out of line so easily; consequently, D and I talk to each other in a much more civilized way. I guess, it also is the fact that he doesn't hang out with all these "kids" anymore. I don't remember the last time I have cursed. It just feels really out of place here. ;) ... Dario never cursed much to begin with...so, I guess, this change is more obvious in my case. I am always the f*ck-up. ;)
The kids are doing well, too.
Maia has done some more adjusting and I am glad about this. she doesn't point out anymore, how much she misses NY and how she wants to go back. I do, however, wonder whether I am depriving her of a) greater possilities of personal development and b) a better social life (because of the language barrier she has become a bit of a loaner, and the whole bossiness of hers just doesn't work without language.) ;)
Other than that (didn't I just use this phrase?) she is adjusting well. She has started to throw in full German sentences and she understands an awful lot. She is also becoming a little more ...hmm...well-mannered, if I may say. You know how those European kids are, ...always greeting, picking up stuff someone drops, ... although, she is still very much a little American...or should I just say ..a little Maia. ;) always needs it a different way than everyone else, always dancing out of line, and always always trying to talk to everyone.
Nayla didn't have much adjusting to do. She's good and enjoys her outdoor life. They really are outside most of the day. Maia is riding her little bicycle on that huge terrace, we wouldn't know what to do with otherwise, and Nayla is going to get a walking bike. I don't know, if you have seen those. They are little bikes without pedals for kids between 2 and 4. The kids sort of push themselves foward with their legs and because they learn how to balance themselves, they transfer directly over to a real bike (without training wheels) when they're ready. With Maia we are too late but Nayla we are putting on one of these. I can't believe my friends' 3 year-olds riding their bikes like 5- and 6-year-olds. Unbelievable...
ok.
so, that's it for today.
I am off today, for a change.
Write your dailies, too - again!
;) xoxo sisi
hey girl,
[...]
I heard about the state of emergency that was called in NYC due to the heat. How are u holding out?
It's been raining here for almost 2 weeks now. It is so cold we all need sweaters and jackets. It's strange considering the summers I've had during the past 10 years.
My tenants are turning out to be real deadbeats. They haven't paid the rent in 3 months and I am about to have a nervous break-down about that.
They say that will catch up definitely by end of August, beginning of September. And they are - besides seemingly irresponsible - very nice people - so I am a sucka and let them get away with it.
But only until end of August. If they haven't made up for July and Aug. rent by then, I am going to tell them to leave...and I guess, I will do that parallel to the court paperwork. Ahhh, just what I need. More money to throw out the window.
[...]
My friend found open mail from them (lost between our mail, which they slipped under our door). It turned out to be a document from the IRS telling them that they owe 14,000.- .... How are they ever going to pay the rent?!! :O
Everybody is telling me to throw them out NOW ... but I guess, this is all easier said than done. I work fulltime, have a shitload of other crap to do, and oh yeah, maybe the fact that I live on another continent isn't making this any easier...
End of August - that's when I will make the decision (which will then depend on whether they have paid the agreed amount until then or not).
[ I know, you have a lot of crap to do, but I would really appreciate if you could do one or the other office run for me, if shit really hits the fan. I think I have exhausted my favor calls from Rosa and Pabs, who are both also crazy busy themselves. We have even had to enlist Rene's help for a few weeks (to get Dario's certificate of good conduct) ]. I will only ask you if absolutely necessary and then please just say yes, if you are feeling ok.
Other than that there is the letter I got from the collection agency about the cablevision account Dario was supposed to close, and swears he did. So, that's another couple of hours with mostly indifferent and often incompetent costumer service on the phone for me. yeiih.
***
Dario has been busy doing webwork. He's doing websites and logos for 2 people (one is a hockey recruiter from Boston, the other one a business man - actually an old friend of ours - from Connecticut.). He also has just openend an ebay shop, which he populates with items from his drop-shipping "company" - you might have gotten an e-mail with the webURL from him in the past few weeks. I am happy for him but he is on the computer wayyy too much now, and he just doesn't realize. I am having flashbacks to our old life in NY.
Other than that our family life has been signficantly more harmonious since we have moved. I am not sure, whether it is the new environment or the influence from others but I am going we the latter theory. It just isn't part of the culture here to fall out of line so easily; consequently, D and I talk to each other in a much more civilized way. I guess, it also is the fact that he doesn't hang out with all these "kids" anymore. I don't remember the last time I have cursed. It just feels really out of place here. ;) ... Dario never cursed much to begin with...so, I guess, this change is more obvious in my case. I am always the f*ck-up. ;)
The kids are doing well, too.
Maia has done some more adjusting and I am glad about this. she doesn't point out anymore, how much she misses NY and how she wants to go back. I do, however, wonder whether I am depriving her of a) greater possilities of personal development and b) a better social life (because of the language barrier she has become a bit of a loaner, and the whole bossiness of hers just doesn't work without language.) ;)
Other than that (didn't I just use this phrase?) she is adjusting well. She has started to throw in full German sentences and she understands an awful lot. She is also becoming a little more ...hmm...well-mannered, if I may say. You know how those European kids are, ...always greeting, picking up stuff someone drops, ... although, she is still very much a little American...or should I just say ..a little Maia. ;) always needs it a different way than everyone else, always dancing out of line, and always always trying to talk to everyone.
Nayla didn't have much adjusting to do. She's good and enjoys her outdoor life. They really are outside most of the day. Maia is riding her little bicycle on that huge terrace, we wouldn't know what to do with otherwise, and Nayla is going to get a walking bike. I don't know, if you have seen those. They are little bikes without pedals for kids between 2 and 4. The kids sort of push themselves foward with their legs and because they learn how to balance themselves, they transfer directly over to a real bike (without training wheels) when they're ready. With Maia we are too late but Nayla we are putting on one of these. I can't believe my friends' 3 year-olds riding their bikes like 5- and 6-year-olds. Unbelievable...
ok.
so, that's it for today.
I am off today, for a change.
Write your dailies, too - again!
;) xoxo sisi
Thursday, August 10, 2006
I guess, I miss NY
recently, I've realized that I must miss NY more than I assumed. I have been saving any and every ny-related scrap I stumble upon. The other day I saved some guy's online vacation album (from his trip to NYC). Usually people have to be forced to look at one's vacation pictures, no? ...then again, I actually always liked that.
but what really made it clear for me was this morning's quite pathetic incident. I was driving up to my job when my eye caught attention of something very familiar, yet, very out of place (here in Austria). It was a UPS truck. At first, I was excited and thought, oh look, a UUUPSSS truck! aaawwwwhhh. Then I broke into tears.
Yup, I started crying because I saw a UPS truck.
I am now officially a wimp.
You know, I never cried about much before (and with before I mean before the age of 26 or so).
Well, I cried when King Kong died. It was that old 1970s version. I was about 11 years old. I also cried at Born on the 4th of July..or whatever that movie with Tom Cruise in Vietnam was called.
But that's pretty much it. Maybe one or two more non-movie related break-downs but all in all not a whiner.
However, ever since I've become a mother my emotions have become partially uncontrollable. It is highly annoying.
but what really made it clear for me was this morning's quite pathetic incident. I was driving up to my job when my eye caught attention of something very familiar, yet, very out of place (here in Austria). It was a UPS truck. At first, I was excited and thought, oh look, a UUUPSSS truck! aaawwwwhhh. Then I broke into tears.
Yup, I started crying because I saw a UPS truck.
I am now officially a wimp.
You know, I never cried about much before (and with before I mean before the age of 26 or so).
Well, I cried when King Kong died. It was that old 1970s version. I was about 11 years old. I also cried at Born on the 4th of July..or whatever that movie with Tom Cruise in Vietnam was called.
But that's pretty much it. Maybe one or two more non-movie related break-downs but all in all not a whiner.
However, ever since I've become a mother my emotions have become partially uncontrollable. It is highly annoying.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
I'm a sinner...and no, this isn't a dirty post, either!
In a recent article of the German magazine Spiegel, there was a list of embarrassing things people do at work. I think they called it: the ten deadly sins at work
here the link (but it's in German)
I was shocked to find out that I have committed pretty much all of them …or should I say, that I commit pretty much all of them on a daily basis. I am now officially American. ;) …and that isn’t supposed to be an offense, it is supposed to emphasize the fact how much I feel in between cultures sometimes.
some of these deadly sins apparently are:
- bad manners: trying to remove food between your teeth, burp, and slouch @ the table.
- address the boss informally
- dress differently than everybody else in the office (i.e. inappropriate clothes)
- leave personal print-outs in the printer
- send e-mail to the wrong person
- forget someone’s name (in my defense, I forget everybody’s name not only colleagues’ names)
well, I'm gonna see how far I get with my behavior. i'm too old (and I don't care enough) to change. the latter, ..that is the New Yorker in me ;) u talkin' to me??
I might stop flossing in the office, though. That is a little gross, I admit. ;)
here the link (but it's in German)
I was shocked to find out that I have committed pretty much all of them …or should I say, that I commit pretty much all of them on a daily basis. I am now officially American. ;) …and that isn’t supposed to be an offense, it is supposed to emphasize the fact how much I feel in between cultures sometimes.
some of these deadly sins apparently are:
- bad manners: trying to remove food between your teeth, burp, and slouch @ the table.
- address the boss informally
- dress differently than everybody else in the office (i.e. inappropriate clothes)
- leave personal print-outs in the printer
- send e-mail to the wrong person
- forget someone’s name (in my defense, I forget everybody’s name not only colleagues’ names)
well, I'm gonna see how far I get with my behavior. i'm too old (and I don't care enough) to change. the latter, ..that is the New Yorker in me ;) u talkin' to me??
I might stop flossing in the office, though. That is a little gross, I admit. ;)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
