I made it!! ...the 4am hike!

I can't believe I did it. But I got up at 3:15 a.m. in the morning (after barely 3 hours of sleep) to join a bunch of crazy (and I mean this in an endearing way) Vorarlbergians ...Vorarlbergian programmers to be exact... to go on a hike up the Kanis Fluh (a mountain nearby) to catch the sunrise. ... And all that before going to work! Needless to say, I was a bit exhausted later in the office. Kinda like I broke night...

Anyway, ..back to the hike.
Good thing somebody thought of flash-lights, cause I sure as hell didn't. While it was an amazingly starry night, which one could admire much better with the lights off, without them we would have probably sunken into the mud of some "Muren" (mud-avalanches) or worse, fallen off the side of the mostly non-existent path.

I hit the floor a couple of times (some of the falls were of real cartoonish, slip-on-a-banana kinda quality) and at the end I really thought I was going to collapse (I've become seriously athletically challenged, lately) but I made it and it really really was worth the freezing, the exhaustion throughout the rest of the day & the sore muscles I woke up with (I can barely walk)! ;)

The rest of the story I'll let the pictures tell. :)
Looking at them almost lets me forget how terrible this day (today) at work has been...too many loud fights with people....I have never had to talk with people in this way.. and at work, to top it all off!!...this really isn't me... (I am leaving the office now, btw...it's almost 10p.m.)

anyway..here the pics, before I forget that there are nice things out there, too!






I didn't take this picture. I actually can't remember
if I actually made it for the first sunrays. I was still
kinda dizzy from the last (very steep) part of the hike
...up to the cross... but I think I did make it, for I took
the picture of the cross and the silhouttes before..and
there were no first rays, yet...


Frisi heading further out for a bathroom break ;)




Miann's muddy shoes and a view of the
Lake of Constance in the distance


I had to run to catch this picture! And then my
camera's batteries died. OF COURSE!!



that's me...trying not to look down.
my legs were still shaking from the steep hike and
the lack of sleep.

a day in the life of...me

today I had a day from hell...workload-wise.
nevertheless, into my lunchbreak I squeezed in a deep-cleaning of the bathroom and some quality time with Nayla. When I came home at 7 o'clock in the evening, I went straight to preparing dinner for the kids, and pulling them through bed-time routine (brushing teeth, pjs, reading, and keeping them in bed). Then I staightened out the living room, the hall-way, and finally, the bathroom again.

I am pretty tired....and until an hour ago I was also pretty pissed at D for letting me do all this sh*t.
Maybe I'll go to sleep early and join some of my colleagues (actually, they are from a different firm but I manage a project they develop for our company) for a sunrise hike.
They meet at their office at 4 a.m., then drive up to the Kanis Fluh (some mountain in the Bregenzer Wald), hike up to see the sunrise and then return to the office (around 10am) to get to work.
This sounds like a really cool thing to do. I just hope I can get my a** up at 3:15 in the morning....and that for hiking...which really I am not a fan of. I do like sunrises, nature, and those people, though, so I'll make that my motivation. :)

PS: Dario just came in with a bag of fresh popcorn and chocolate for me (because I have my period). Gave me a kiss and went back to his computer. Now, ...do you get my point? So sweet, but oh so sad. Is it really that men just have no clue? Does he really see nothing of my struggle? Does he really think he can make everything ok with those little gestures? They are gestures of love and I appreciate them very much but ... he's so deep in the hole they get him only a few points. ....
that popcorn is goood, though ;)
PPS: Austin Powers rocks! ;) (yes, I know, this is completely unrelated information...but not to me...I just watched the music video "Ray of Light"...Madonna rocks, too, of course;)

relationship blues

I am very wary of my relationship at the moment...
I love Dario, I do ....but I am so tired of his ways. Certain ways that leave me stuck with either more work, his work, or generally a mess. He is unreliable, can't focus (his ADD is adding an extra notch of stress), and just doesn't care. This is how he keeps his cool, which is ok, and I am happy for him. Unfortunately, he is messing with my cool and I just can't take it anymore.

I am super-edgy lately. Total bitch, if I may say. Especially, considering the fact that he is mostly very nice to me. Nice but unreliable. Nice, but inconsiderate. Nice, but blind to my stress at work (or unable to react to it properly).

I feel like I've been let down on a promise. A promise I was stupid enough to believe. I mean, I have been with the man for 11 years. I should know better.
He promised, he'll take care of everything. He'll master the household, take care of things so I don't have to worry. I told him that my job will be much more demanding and I believed him when he promised support and hard work on his part because I wanted to believe him. I wanted it to be true so badly that I ignored my reason and memory.

I love him and I always want him to be in my life but I am not sure I want to be in this relationship anymore. :(
Why can't I just beam myself to the future? Skip all the break-up drama, resentment and (understandably) resulting hurtfulness from his part and just be good friends, who care about each other and the well-being of their children.

Maybe I just need some space and maybe we just need some time apart sometimes. We have been spending way too much time together lately. Quality time is vital for every relationship but enough is enough. It's always about dosage, as they say... And I've been having wayy to big of a dosis of Dario. ;)
I need him in a different way. Intimately and as my family...but he's been substituting as my hang-out partner lately and that just won't work for me on a long-term basis. We have never had the same sense of humor (in fact, I can't stand his "funny" - always sexually suggestive - comments) and we certainly don't enjoy the same conversational topics.

sigh.
let's see where this is going.
no good phase can last forever, right;)
so, I guess, here goes the bad phase.....again.
hopefully we'll make it....again.

focus on the positive

it's true what rosa says...and what I try to tell myself all the time (without successful absorbtion, it seems) : one has to focus on the here and now...and one has to focus on the negative.
.... (oh my Goodness, Freudian slip...I mean POSITIVE! ;)

Anyway, I really need to adjust my thinking. I don't want to regret whole phases of my life. I want to look back and say this was good, or this was tough, but I made the best out of it and let's see what I learned from it.

I don't want to be in this constant state of complaint.

I listened to this podcast (one of the many I subscribe to: NPR - Most E-mailed Stories), and there was a story about a 15-year old girl in some African mountain village, who was trying to make it through school, orphaned, with two little sisters to take care of, no electricity, most of her extended family wiped out by AIDS, and the village men preying on her and her sisters every night,..trying to get into the house.

I mean - honestly - what the f*ck am I complaining about?????

I should be grateful every minute of the day. Even this very minute that I am laying in bed with cramps out of this world. I should focus on the positive and say...well you might have debilitating cramps but

a) you have painkillers

b) you can take off from work

c) you have work you can take off from

d) you are not an orphan (ok. that really doesn't relate here, but I am grateful for this fact) and

e) you ARE having cramps (which means I am having my period, which means I am not pregnant with yet another child).


I am grateful.
and, yet, I am slightly depressed at the moment.
I guess, it really is the hormonal crap (i.e. period-related).

You know, and I realized...that study I recently heard about seems to be true: women are attracted to more manly men 2 weeks before their period and then to more nurturing looking guys (more feminine traits?) just a few days before they come down with their days.
I have to double-check. But I made a point to observe and control the study this month...and I just (today) caught myself checking out some skinny, bearded, intellectual, all-blackandwrinkly-wearing-clothes guy. ;)

I am signing off with a picture I took the other day (at the lake of Constance).

true home?

I am in such a sentimenal mood lately.

Life is so much easier here and so much better for the kids. We go to the free family fairs every other weekend, Maia goes to kindergarten (daycare) which costs like 25 bucks a semester, school will cost nothing and will provide the kids with a solid education, starting next week Maia will attend a swim-course (10 min from here), every Wednesday she can be part of the kiddie ballet in the town hall, and in the winter she will learn how to ski. And all this for a reasonable or super-cheap (compared to NY) price. Best price comparison are the parking tickets. I mean, you can already park almost anywhere here (sidewalk, side of the street, wherever, but if you do it wrong one time you'll get a 10$ ticket. Now, for those of you who are not familiar with NYC parking fines: If you don't put enough money in your meter (which mostly gives you only an hour) you will be fined $110, unless it's gone up since April. ;)

I am reading the messages of the online parenting group I am part of (in NY) and I can emphasize with the pre-school panic parents are put into by all the crap they have to deal with to make sure their little ones get a good educational start. I mean, ERB tests, pre-school portfolios, interviews with the child...it's absurd! And I am sure I would be part of the craze, if I would be there right now with Maia getting into kindergarden age.
Here they send you a letter that she is enrolled (automatically) in the kindergarten nearest you. The teachers are sweet, the kids are kids, they do lots of activities and hike a lot and that's the end of the story. No stress.

I have also just found an opportunity to ride someone's horse a few times a week. It'll cost me $75/month. I have always wanted that...next to wanting a horse myself, of course.

But regardless of all that, I miss New York. As much as I hate the traffic, the attitude, and the unbelievably unfair costs of this city (which make it impossible for the average or poor joe to enjoy the goodies) - I still love it because I feel it is my home. I grew up (mostly) in Vorarlberg but I feel like New York is where I belong.Also, I miss my friends like crazy. :(

I have very good friends here. Some are my best friends since childhood and I love them but my friends in NY were closer (in proximity), so I actually saw them every day and that made them like family to me. Rosa and I lead an almost symbiotic life. We shared dinner duties, drove each other's kids around, sat together for 1am movies and drinks to wind down from the day. This I just don't have here. All I have is a job that sucks every usable minute of the day out of me and an occasional meeting with one of my friends (- meetings I enjoy very much but are way too seldomly arrangable).

Maybe I just need to get used to my new home...

I realized today, that Dario has been the one who has passive-aggressively moved me into almost every direction my life has and has not taken into the past 10 years (kids, where we live, how we live, Austria, ...). If I think back, it was even he who suggested the college I went to. Again, a college I like very much - especially for its people - but had I had good advice (being a new immigrant) I probably would have attended a different school. God knows, in the States it's all about the name of the school you went to but I didn't know back then.I would have probably not moved to the Bronx (and spent so many years in a neighborhood that made me lose trust in people) and I would have probably met more people like Rosa is telling me about.
She always tells me that I have seen too much bad in the city and that not all people are like that. Her 2 older kids - 17-year-old twin boys - have grown up in the city and they are really great, normal kids. She never feared leaving them at school.

It doesn't matter. I miss and love all of it. I miss my ghetto friends as much as I miss my Ivy Leaguers. It has always been who I am. Always between the chairs, as they say in German...and maybe this is just my fate.I can draw that line through my entire life. Never truly belonging.But I am afraid to get into that. That will be part of a different self-analysis. One that might break me, even.

9/11: remembering Michael

**********
Michael was my dear friend Michelle's elder brother. I am an immigrant myself and Michelle was my first real friend in New York City. I have always admired the close relationship between the Baksh siblings and I always hope that my hubbie and I will be able to accomplish what Mr. and Mrs. Baksh have accomplished with their four children. I have never seen such intense family ties. I met Michael and his wife and kids at several occasions and to me they seemed like the kind of relationship one should strive for. Their love and respect for each other was evident even to a stranger. And their kids, Ava and James, are just the sweetest things.They will carry their father's traits into the future and Michael will live on through them. When my grandfather died my father consoled my tears with an encouragement... He told me that as long as we remember he will live on.Michael has made a deep impression on so many people who will always remember that; he has lived life to the fullest, he has studied, he has had music, he has loved, he has had children, he has had God in his life, he was happy. I am taking an example. He's a role-model.I think about him and his family often and I always pray that their pain will cease and that only the good will remain. I am convinced Michael is with them, for there is more to life than just our physical world. Love lives on.Christina, Ava, Michelle, Asha, Mona, Kas, Mr. & Mrs. Baksh -- All my love to you and may God give you strength -- every day. Michael is with you --every day. And this is for James, too...he's too little to read now...but who knows, maybe he will get to this collection of memories and thoughts one day.

sisi 2001
**********

Michael lost his life in the North Tower of the WTC on his very first day of work.
Thinking of Michael today, this 5th anniversary of this terrible terrible day.

I wish that one day only love and fond memories will replace the pain I know still haunts my very dear friend's heart.
I love you, Michelle. Be strong today!

why can't we be happy

ok, so I am aware of why I am not particularly content at the moment (see bad luck streak described in earlier posts - bad job, lost apartment, non-paying tenants, etc.) but I must say, I have realized that I have spent most of my life complaining of where I am at the moment.
I have also observed similar behavior in my friends, so I would say it's a human habit. Why can we never be happy? (if anybody leaves me a comment now about how happy and dandy they are with their lives, I'm gonna have a fit.) Nah, but seriously.... I mean, I am grateful for my life and my family and all the things I have but the moments of true happiness are very short-lived. Most often they include my children (when they are not whining and screaming for no good reason ;) or when I am in nature.

Maybe I can't think straight at the moment (in a work-haze), and that's why I feel like there is no light.

My job, you won't believe it, has gotten worse. Now my boss is critizing my work, which makes it really official now: EVERYBODY hates the project manager.
I have never ever woken up in the morning and didn't want to go to work. I have never felt uncomfortable or unhappy going to work. Understimulated, maybe ...but never unhappy...(yes, I am aware of the fact that I just told you that I am never happy. geez...do you have to take everything so literal? ;)
Anyway, so I have never been depressed about going to work and I certainly never ever have cried because of the pressure of my job. Granted, I have a lot to carry right now (lone breadwinner, etc.) and I am possibly PMSing...but today was the second time I had to retreat into the bathroom to cry because I couldn't take it anymore.

I am such a whiner I am annoying myself.
Lemme go.
I'll be back when I have better stuff to blog.

unstable New Yorkers?

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "D humors me":
You find that New Yorkers are unstable? I thought you loved New York and thus New Yorkers?
--------------------------------------

I knew I was gonna hear it for that one. First of all, you can't throw everyone in one pot and there are about 8 million people in NYC - so: NO, of course, I don't think New Yorkers are unstable. If you know my blog then you will also know that some of my very best and dearest friends are New Yorkers, so ...

However, in a city and in a country as big as NY or the US there is a whole bunch of unstable people, and I have met quite a few of them having lived in NYC for 10 years. And if you are a New Yorker then you should know what I am talking about.




Now, of course, there are unstable people everywhere, but I come from a small country (Austria) and grew up in an even smaller state within it (Vorarlberg) and I have never met anyone unstable. They just are who they are, ....which doesn't mean they are all great. But, and I have said this before, asses are gonna be asses pretty much from the start. They are not going to be sweet and nice and always helpful and then suddenly turn psycho on you.

For example, betrayals or break-ups (or the concept of "back-stabbing") by one's friends was completely foreign to me until I've moved to the States. I am reading Queen Bees & Wannabees by Rosalind Wiseman at the moment and what she describes as simple reality of American girls' adolescence is strange and scary to me at the same time. Apparently it is only natural for teenage girls (and their friends) to betray each other or play with trust.
Wiseman writes: Many girls will make it through their teen years precisely because they have the support and care of a few good friends. These are the friendships where a girl truly feels uncoditionally accepted and understood - and they can last into adulthood and support her search for adult relationships. On the other hand, girls can be each other's worst enemies. Girls' friendships in adolescence are often intense, confusing, frustrating, and humiliating, the joy and security of "best friends" shattered by devastating breakups and betrayals.

I wonder, what kind of guidance I would be to my girls if we'd decided to move back, which might not be all that impossible - given the latest developments (not all blogged, yet). I would be completely useless, for I have NO IDEA how to handle the apparently very normal conditions of US middle- and highschool social life. The best friends I have made during my schoolyears are still my best friends. The people we didn't click with in middle- or highschool we just didn't click with (were still polite and friendly with) but this was about the end of it. There was no ostracizing, no bad-mouthing, no intrigue, and certainly no jokes about one's choice of clothes (geez, I think I would have been burnt at the stake, had I gone to school in the US.... thinking about all the fashion-mistakes I've commited. That's what you get from being raised by your father only. No woman to stop you when you're walking out the door looking like you've randomly picked your wardrobe out of a Good-will clothes collectionbox.)

However, the realities presented to me in the above mentioned book kind of make me understand why I was so traumatized by my broken frienship(s) in New York. I was just not familiar with the concept of friends breaking up or sabotaging each other and it completely threw me off.

People always have told me I have too much trust in others. But, I must say, I am beginning to lose that trust... I have become so disillusioned and numb lately. It's kinda funny actually. I've been having much more drama during my adulthood so far than I have had my entire childhood or adolesence. Maybe it's just the universe's way to create a balance. ;)

I asked my friend Heidi, with whom I grew up, if she thinks that maybe it was just the way we were? Or if, maybe, it could be me? Maybe I am blind to the sneakyness of others. Maybe my naïveté protected me and made me who I am. I truly believe all people are good to begin with and that it is always in their heart somewhere, regardless of all the bad they might do or have done in their lives. I really really try to never be judgmental toward the individual in front of me (and the bitching doesn't mean anything). I will always forgive someone who apologizes and I always try to understand.

...how the heck did I end up here? ...at this mind-numbing self-analysis deadend? Self-analyis is for...well oneself...everyone else will probably be bored out of their mind, so I'll be signing off now. ;)
so long.

oh, wait...I never wrote down my friend's answer to my question. I mean, what's the point of starting off with "I asked my friend Heidi..." if I then don't mention her response somewhere.
So here it is: She said that her younger sister (10 years younger, I think) never liked going to school at first, because she was constantly teased by her classmates and because her teachers weren't nice (and she went to the same school Heidi and I started out with). When they moved to a different town, the girl had a very different experience and began enjoying her school life again. When they finally got her into a Montessori school it seemed the perfect fit. She just graduated successfully from Highschool, by the way.

D humors me

The past two days it's been gorgeous outside.
You know, I said to Dario, it really is beautiful here when it's sunny. Why can't it always be like that? Why does the weather here have to be so damn unstable? I don't think I can take that. We're gonna have to move back to NY.
D's repartee:
Well, what do you prefer? Unstable weather or unstable people?
---------------------

And here one more tidbit from the kids' front (most of which I am missing lately...working all the time.) ...so this is what D tells me:

Maia is walking by with a cookie.
Nayla (now 2.5 yrs.) turns to her and screams at the top of her lungs: MAIAA! Share with your sister!!

I am so tired, I can't even decide anymore if this is only funny to me, or could be amusing to the rest of the world, as well. sigh. Guess, it's just gonna have to make it into this entry, since I don't have the mental strength to write anything more today.
I don't get to play anymore. :<

what kind of mother am I?!

the kids - as much I looove them - are driving me pretty crazy lately. maybe it's the fact that I am totally overworked, ....or maybe it's that D acts like one of them sometimes, fighting for my attention in exactly the same manner: loud, repetitve questions ending in "Ma, Ma, Ma'aaa!"



I just wonder, whether it really is a genetic thing with my inability to assume my role as a mother as naturally as some other women can (my mother left us 3 kids when I was 11 years old to follow her calling - and I don't blame her for it, although I don't think I could ever live without my children - yes, I realize, one day I will have to cope with this, for they will grow up...but you know what I mean).

I mean, I love my kids, would die for them and all that natural stuff (no joke) but I find myself challenged with the daily stuff. Yes, I do it well but not because it comes to me this way but because I read myself to death on the topic of kids up to this age. I also ask parents whose kids I admire, and I always, always observe and remember.
However, it seems like I've been approaching this whole child-upbringing thing from a rather professional angle. I take it like a job, which I am trying to do well but might not necessarily be too fulfilled with.

Of course, fact is that probably no parent really knows what the hell they're doing (not all of them aware of this) but I've seen some women that are incredibly deep into their role as a mother, while I always wonder where I would be now if I hadn't given in to Dario's wish to have kids so early. I realize, of course, that 26 isn't all that early but I hadn't planned for kids (if at all) until I was at least in my mid-thirties. I wanted to make sure I was somewhat content with all I had done. Now I am always wondering if I have lost something of myself in the last 10 years with Dario.

I love Dario. I do. And I wouldn't want to be without him, even if I weren't with him.
I love my children. I really really do. And I thank God for their health and presence every day. I do.
But sometimes I wonder - guiltily - where I am.

I am trying to live without regrets, remember. It's that thing on my list of 43 things I want to do. The list I would have written, anyway, if I had found any time for it. But it seems almost impossible to do so. Are there really people out there that can do that?? I think, it is in our nature to remember and to philosophize and thus, as a consequence, there must be regret somewhere... even, if that doesn't necessarily mean I would like to have someone else's life. I don't. I just wonder, how different my life would be if I had taken different paths...or better: if I had stayed on certain paths (music, theatre, film,...applied to Harvard...).
Oh well, by now I would definitely be too dumb to go to an Ivy League College, anyway. Being too old and too poor probably doesn't look good on an application either. ;)

O.K. now I think it's enough with the self-pity for the day. I can barely take it myself anymore.

I am just listening to an Alanis Morissette song on pandora.com - "Isn't it Ironic" Acoustic Version - and she just sang one of the lines differently. ...saw you and your beautiful husband or something like this. ..anyway..isn't that supposed to say "wife"? Is Alanis gay? I didn't even know. Anyway, I used to be addicted to that album. Mygoodness, Dario's ADD is rubbing off, I think.



oh well, let me call it a night. nothing more good can come of such rambling.

life...

if you've read the previous post there might be a few redundant pieces of information in this entry, for I am posting an e-mail exchange between me and my very dear friend beth for today:

Hi Beth!

thank you for your e-mail and the great webcam pics of you and H. Nayla and I enjoyed them very much!!! Still have to show them to D and Maia.

I miss you. Work has been crazy stressful and I could really need some advice right about now on how to deal with mobbing at the office..or how to deal with people, period.
Today, after reflecting on the fact that my job is emotionally draining (I might like to organize, create solutions, etc. but to deal with the constant intrigue, accusations, and conflict just isn't for me. me, who always wants to be liked by everyone ;) - I am about to qualify this character-trait as a weakness. ...anyway, ...so where was I?

... reflecting about the new job, the fact that I just got kicked out of our apartment - long story - (don't even want to think about all the work and expenses that entails), the problem with our non-paying tenants in NY, and the fact that it it has been raining the whole month of August here. Today it is as cold as New York in December. It even snowed on the mountain peaks here... it is Auuuugust, dammit!!!



For a moment there I was thinking of throwing in the towel and just coming home (note how I refer to NY as home..hmmm..). But the thought of all the wasted time and money is killing me. It took a LOT of phonecalls, errand-runnings, form-filling, furniture carrying, and money-spending to get to where we are now. Maia finally is able to communicate with the kids in her kindergarten. She instantly translates full sentences from English into German. It's amazing.

Also, I have been reading my blog entries from back home (again, NY)...and I am worried that NYC will destroy my marriage. People have too much attitude and you never hear the calming/reasoning feedback you need to hear when you are about to wring your partner's neck. ;) I need to bitch and friend X needs to say, "yes but think about this...." instead of "that bastard, you should leave him. forget the marriage and the kids" ;)

I am having a little trouble lately, again. so it's not all rosy here, either. but that's life and that's marriage,...I suppose. gotta remain realistic and focus on the positive.

almost quit my job today... ;)
so out of answers. so lost at the moment. too much resposibility ALL on me... the pressure is a killer.

talk soon,
love,
sisi
PS: THANK YOU, for your package by the way! Maia and Nayla were soo excited about it and we started to do the US-map-sticker-game right away. (I never knew the capital of Florida is Talahassee. ...and, to my great embarrassment, I must admit, thought Disneyworld is in California. ;) ... (I guess, I was thinking about U.Studios).
------------------------------------

beth replies:

Hi....
.....you sound like you really have your hands full!!!......
.....as far as NYC= LET ME HELP YOU....can I help file papers,(where's P?) put pressure on someone?.....sometimes people think if you are far away that they can step over....

above all H & I are your 'friends' (more like family) and we love you guys....so if we can do ANYTHING, don't hesitate....my stuff w/my Mother is ongoing and I've been at it for a while so I can manage time for YOU!

THERE IS ALWAYS A REASON for things to happen:

1.) YOUR MOVE was (at least, I realized this) was in part to 'save' you relationship because you knew it IS that IMPORTANT.

2.) YOUR GIRLS will be fine w/the change...BOTH are smart/beautiful and love to learn and exposure to a lifestyle where they can really just 'BE' & to GROW through their own strengths & talents is FAR better than the OVERSTRUCTURED lives too many of USA children are having now....

3) the JOB = no job (& co-workers) is perfect....you said you were allowed to at least "think" w/this job?
remember you have great skills and from what you told me Austria's 'support' sytem was great (compared to USA)
.....there's no law that says you can't 'scout' for another job now that you are in Austria...

YOU are wonderful for your capacity to cover all the details / be responsible to a 'fault'/ remember all the people in your life and always look out for them....this is a great thing, and MOST PEOPLE DON'T have these qualities.....@ work there are only 'intrigues' IF you LET THEM BE SO.....give a 'deaf ear' to office gossip!
try not to give things that really aren't important (they only seem so at the time) IMPORTANCE!

REMEMBER how you wondered how I could deal w/certain things @ situation at my job?.....well I basically told myself "since I am NOT getting taken at dawn to be put in front of a cannon to be shot = I am 'me' and I can deal w/ what comes next"......& ask yourself the question "is this really important to me & my family?"

4.)...good grief!...move to another apartment? more than a pain in the ass! BUT this is NOW,.. soooooo go forward....
(I presume you will be able to find one close by?)
....YOU let Dario handle this!!! TELL HIM it's all on him to handle the move (and S. please DO let him handle it=all men need to find responsibility, (even if some mistakes are made) it's hard when they are married to STRONG WOMEN!)
...as long as your kids aren't sleeping in the street = I am sure he can handle this!!! (tell him I said SO!)

....& when you are 85 (...or MY AGE) you will look back and can proudly say "I SURVIVED THIS TOO!"

WHEN CAN WE TALK??????? I will try you again TODAY @ 4:00PM (NYC) = 10:00PM (AUST)


LOVE & MISS YOU ALL
XXXOOO
b

from bad to worse..

funny, when good things happen to me I see signs and interconnections everywhere.
when bad things happen, I usually try to see the positive in it (although, you might not notice that in my bitch-heavy posts) and I always have faith,...trust that things will get better eventually.

lately, however, it's been difficult to stay all that positive. my job has become even more stressful than it was before. i didn't think that was actually possible but add a good dosis of intrigue, powerplay, social pressure, and questionable compensation and you've got yourself a job you could hate. ;)
what i need to learn, is to stand above this all and not take any of the attacks personally. (everybody hates the project manager, ...including the project manager).

what i cannot do is to give a shit about it all. i do care if they like me because i have no strong social network outside of work to fall back on and i am at work all the f'in time, so it would be nice to get along well with my colleagues.
a lot of them like to argue, though, and I really don't. I usually tend to avoid conflict until all the repressed feelings start to eat me alive. ;)

it's interesting how different an office-dynamic one gets working with almost all women. i am used to working with almost all men (having worked in an IT department for almost 7 years). of course, that can be annoying at times, too, ...and one wouldn't believe how men can gossip sometimes, but all in all: much less stressful.
also, usually i started off good with the guys, while i have to earn my respect with the girls here. they really are very judgmental. throw me into a compartment, hate me or despise me... I don't know why. i never get the benefit of the doubt. the problem is that i don't like to fight dirty so i end up being the sucka most of the times. i don't instigate, i don't point out their mistakes, failures, or mishaps, while they are quick and loud as can be in return.
vern says it's because i am too much of a tomboy. i don't think womanly enough. he might be right.

anyway, ..so while the job has been a heavy load on my mind lately i am happy to report that it isn't anymore as of this afternoon. this is when my landlord called me to inform me that she is kicking us out of our apartment (!). Apparently, her mother, who lives above us, can't take the commotion of having small kids in the building, after all. I said, well couldn't you think of this before you rented this apartment to us only 4 months ago? before I paid an arm and a leg to the real-estate agent? before I spent thousands of dollars to pay for a move, furnishings, etc.? before we carried 2 "tons" of firewood up the stairs? before we planted trees, veggies, flowers, and a freakin' grapevine in the garden? (yeah..ehm..that's D's work..he's a bit of a gardening freak).

and it keeps on raining...

it is really hard to stay positive at the moment. ...oh and did I mention, that our tenants in NY still haven't paid what they owe. that's 3 months rent now.

well, at least I have two healthy girls, Dario still loves me, I think, (although, I am rather irritable lately and work crazy hours), and ... yeah...I'm out of positive thoughts for tonight.
I am thankful for the friends that I do have here...even though, I don't get to see them much.

flyiiiing by

time is flying by me (all I do is work, work, work, work....oh and did I mention, WORK.) anyway, so I am getting back to posting mails I've written lately. Don't have time to make a blog entry, too. so here is the easy way out ;) :

hey girl,
[...]
I heard about the state of emergency that was called in NYC due to the heat. How are u holding out?
It's been raining here for almost 2 weeks now. It is so cold we all need sweaters and jackets. It's strange considering the summers I've had during the past 10 years.

My tenants are turning out to be real deadbeats. They haven't paid the rent in 3 months and I am about to have a nervous break-down about that.
They say that will catch up definitely by end of August, beginning of September. And they are - besides seemingly irresponsible - very nice people - so I am a sucka and let them get away with it.
But only until end of August. If they haven't made up for July and Aug. rent by then, I am going to tell them to leave...and I guess, I will do that parallel to the court paperwork. Ahhh, just what I need. More money to throw out the window.
[...]
My friend found open mail from them (lost between our mail, which they slipped under our door). It turned out to be a document from the IRS telling them that they owe 14,000.- .... How are they ever going to pay the rent?!! :O

Everybody is telling me to throw them out NOW ... but I guess, this is all easier said than done. I work fulltime, have a shitload of other crap to do, and oh yeah, maybe the fact that I live on another continent isn't making this any easier...

End of August - that's when I will make the decision (which will then depend on whether they have paid the agreed amount until then or not).
[ I know, you have a lot of crap to do, but I would really appreciate if you could do one or the other office run for me, if shit really hits the fan. I think I have exhausted my favor calls from Rosa and Pabs, who are both also crazy busy themselves. We have even had to enlist Rene's help for a few weeks (to get Dario's certificate of good conduct) ]. I will only ask you if absolutely necessary and then please just say yes, if you are feeling ok.

Other than that there is the letter I got from the collection agency about the cablevision account Dario was supposed to close, and swears he did. So, that's another couple of hours with mostly indifferent and often incompetent costumer service on the phone for me. yeiih.

***
Dario has been busy doing webwork. He's doing websites and logos for 2 people (one is a hockey recruiter from Boston, the other one a business man - actually an old friend of ours - from Connecticut.). He also has just openend an ebay shop, which he populates with items from his drop-shipping "company" - you might have gotten an e-mail with the webURL from him in the past few weeks. I am happy for him but he is on the computer wayyy too much now, and he just doesn't realize. I am having flashbacks to our old life in NY.

Other than that our family life has been signficantly more harmonious since we have moved. I am not sure, whether it is the new environment or the influence from others but I am going we the latter theory. It just isn't part of the culture here to fall out of line so easily; consequently, D and I talk to each other in a much more civilized way. I guess, it also is the fact that he doesn't hang out with all these "kids" anymore. I don't remember the last time I have cursed. It just feels really out of place here. ;) ... Dario never cursed much to begin with...so, I guess, this change is more obvious in my case. I am always the f*ck-up. ;)

The kids are doing well, too.
Maia has done some more adjusting and I am glad about this. she doesn't point out anymore, how much she misses NY and how she wants to go back. I do, however, wonder whether I am depriving her of a) greater possilities of personal development and b) a better social life (because of the language barrier she has become a bit of a loaner, and the whole bossiness of hers just doesn't work without language.) ;)

Other than that (didn't I just use this phrase?) she is adjusting well. She has started to throw in full German sentences and she understands an awful lot. She is also becoming a little more ...hmm...well-mannered, if I may say. You know how those European kids are, ...always greeting, picking up stuff someone drops, ... although, she is still very much a little American...or should I just say ..a little Maia. ;) always needs it a different way than everyone else, always dancing out of line, and always always trying to talk to everyone.

Nayla didn't have much adjusting to do. She's good and enjoys her outdoor life. They really are outside most of the day. Maia is riding her little bicycle on that huge terrace, we wouldn't know what to do with otherwise, and Nayla is going to get a walking bike. I don't know, if you have seen those. They are little bikes without pedals for kids between 2 and 4. The kids sort of push themselves foward with their legs and because they learn how to balance themselves, they transfer directly over to a real bike (without training wheels) when they're ready. With Maia we are too late but Nayla we are putting on one of these. I can't believe my friends' 3 year-olds riding their bikes like 5- and 6-year-olds. Unbelievable...



ok.
so, that's it for today.
I am off today, for a change.
Write your dailies, too - again!
;) xoxo sisi

I guess, I miss NY

recently, I've realized that I must miss NY more than I assumed. I have been saving any and every ny-related scrap I stumble upon. The other day I saved some guy's online vacation album (from his trip to NYC). Usually people have to be forced to look at one's vacation pictures, no? ...then again, I actually always liked that.

but what really made it clear for me was this morning's quite pathetic incident. I was driving up to my job when my eye caught attention of something very familiar, yet, very out of place (here in Austria). It was a UPS truck. At first, I was excited and thought, oh look, a UUUPSSS truck! aaawwwwhhh. Then I broke into tears.
Yup, I started crying because I saw a UPS truck.
I am now officially a wimp.



You know, I never cried about much before (and with before I mean before the age of 26 or so).

Well, I cried when King Kong died. It was that old 1970s version. I was about 11 years old. I also cried at Born on the 4th of July..or whatever that movie with Tom Cruise in Vietnam was called.
But that's pretty much it. Maybe one or two more non-movie related break-downs but all in all not a whiner.
However, ever since I've become a mother my emotions have become partially uncontrollable. It is highly annoying.

I'm a sinner...and no, this isn't a dirty post, either!

In a recent article of the German magazine Spiegel, there was a list of embarrassing things people do at work. I think they called it: the ten deadly sins at work
here the link (but it's in German)

I was shocked to find out that I have committed pretty much all of them …or should I say, that I commit pretty much all of them on a daily basis. I am now officially American. ;) …and that isn’t supposed to be an offense, it is supposed to emphasize the fact how much I feel in between cultures sometimes.

some of these deadly sins apparently are:
- bad manners: trying to remove food between your teeth, burp, and slouch @ the table.
- address the boss informally
- dress differently than everybody else in the office (i.e. inappropriate clothes)
- leave personal print-outs in the printer
- send e-mail to the wrong person
- forget someone’s name (in my defense, I forget everybody’s name not only colleagues’ names)

well, I'm gonna see how far I get with my behavior. i'm too old (and I don't care enough) to change. the latter, ..that is the New Yorker in me ;) u talkin' to me??
I might stop flossing in the office, though. That is a little gross, I admit. ;)

woah..I was on a roll here...

I just stumbled upon this blog-entry of mine back from November..
Since there is no categorizing on blogger.com and this entry will probably never be found again, I felt like it had to be put out there one more time:
the meaning of life?

observations: life in Austria vs. USA

I would like to add to my list (of differences between life in New York City, USA and life in Vorarlberg, Austria). Some of them are very subjective (well, they all are...so really this is just a list of personal observations):

- I watched a downloaded Friends episode the other day (thank you people who populate bittorrent. I wouldn't mind paying for U.S. TV but no darn network thinks about putting their stuff online). Anyway, it was the one in which Chandler and Monica want to buy a house in the suburbs.
"New York is great," Chandler says "but I want a house with a frontyard, and a street where my kids can ride their bikes outside."
"So, you want a house in the 1950s," Ross replies.



It is a sad pun on the reality of American life (or at least, suburbian life) is it not? And at the same time I am comtemplating about that I am thinking "so I live in a 1950s America right now." .... well, this is, of course, only in terms of security.
Here you really don't have to worry about your kids like you have to in the cities or suburbia of the States. At least to me, the USA is an intimidating place (when it comes to my kids). Too many psychos. I have to say that this probably applies to a lot of big countries. Austria is small and Vorarlberg is even smaller. Just across the border (in Germany) things look very different.

My friend Rosa would frown on such a statement but you have to compare the Austrian and US news on occasion. It's not like nothing ever happens here (well, maybe in Vorarlberg really not much crazy stuff happens) but compared to the States it's nothing.

I think it is about public taboos. In America nothing seems taboo anymore. Here you run into stiffness all the time (sometimes it is restricting or ridiculous) but it keeps the greater society "in check" so to say. A small example: People won't throw garbage on the street here. It is regarded as a big taboo.
Another example: People will not make any big noise on Sunday or any day after 8pm (you can imagine how we fit in here - 3 Dominican-Americans, and one Arab-Austrian.;)
...our landlord was about to kick us out the other day because we were barbequing for the umpteenth time (smoking up the place, sitting until late on our terrace.)
...these are kinda stupid examples, btw. but I can't think of anything else right now. Maybe one example would be that kids here rarely fight. There is no school grouping like it happens in US schools and you will probably never ever see a "cat-fight" (girlfight, for those of you who really don't know the term.)

Anyway, this was supposed to be a list and I am writing a short novel here...
ok. let's try this again:

- online banking. oh my God, is it a pain in the a. It is so annoying that I have no idea how much or little money we have on our account (which makes it very difficult to control and maintain a budget.)
just so you know what I mean.
this is my netbanking username and password:
username: 45odmf027cDHYlmDXz
password: 67ffYUiF57zKfpU
I AM NOT KIDDING! (of course, this is not my real username and password, so you can spare yourself any hacking attempts but this is the exact style. AND YOU CANNOT CHANGE IT!!!!!)
Are these people crazy?

- the seriousness at work (Do you think I can apply the Dilbert Principle to my daily rut - just to lighten things up a bit for myself?). Americans definitely know how to socialize better. (Here people consider this skill superficiality, btw. - I find this interesting. I really had the same opinion once. Now, I am somewhere else.)


this is one of my many hurdles of the day... seriously.. (Dilbert is my bible right now).

- the climate. I hear it's like 100-something degrees in NYC right now. ugh. sorry.
Here it has been raining for the past 3 days and it has now cooled down to about 12 degrees Celsius (0 degrees Celsius = 32 degrees Fahrenheit)...after having been around 30 degrees (100) every day for a month. Today I actually wore a sweater and a jacket to go to work. It is AUUUUUGUST, dammit! sigh.

Dario told me that Maia started crying about the rain again. It really seems to depress her. Another thing that worries me with Maia is the fact that she is a bit isolated here. She has picked up a lot of the language in a very short time, however, she still plays a lot alone at Kindergarten and she is so depressed about that that she refused to go today. She is such a socialite it must be really hard for her.

My friends in NY (with same aged kids) tell me their kids are starting to read now. From flashcards or whatnot. This is unthinkable here. It just doesn't work this way. People would consider such educational pressure (on such young children) psychotic.
They focus on the social aspect first (and for a long time). The kids don't learn the alphabet until they are about to go to school (5.5). On one hand I think this is a good route to go, on the other hand I believe in the power of early childhood education).
I am getting former NYC-mom panic that my kid is not using its full potential. Maia is crazy smart and I feel like I am not nourishing her talents. The new Austrian-mom in me is telling me that I should shut up, relax, and let her be a kid without worries.

- daycare. on one hand it's probably good for the kids to be with their parents as much as they are here. Maia is at Kindergarten only from 9-12 (well, she could be there at 7:30, but ..there is no way I am getting out the house at that time).
On the other hand, this system sure makes it hard for the other parent (usually the mother) to work (i.e. follow a career).
Well, at least the government gives you money to stay home with your kids for 3 years (about $700/month). Actually 2.5 years and then another 6 months if the other parent (usually the father) stays home as well.

In our particular case I wonder how good it is for our kids to stay home with Dario. They sure are loved and happy but I think they are getting a rather laissez-fair upbringing (a style I have been raised with and which I do not approve of).

----
Alright, so this blog is about to burst out of its seams. And since I hate reading blog entries that are just too darn long, so I am going to apologize for the length of this entry and call it a night. (I really needed to write, I suppose.)

if you do want to see the extension of this list (observations - coming back home to Austria) you can check out this previous post: Austrian oddities....

nayla climbing

nayla (not even 2.5, yet) climbing up the pillar of our terrace ;)

i missed those robot news

apparently this isn't the latest news but I just saw this video and thought it just has to be blogged. the last few seconds the chick looks most real, I thought. disturbing but cool.

this is fucked up

You think you're numb to all the crazy sh*t that's going on in the world and then you see images like these and it just brings tears to your eyes and anger to your heart.
click here.

(I don't know why I scramble up the word sh*t...when I just wrote f*cked up in the title...and I am doing it again.)

hairdresser advertisement in Austria

what kind of ad-campaign is this? what exactly is this image supposed to convey?...."time to cut your hair?"



(this is a hairdresser in our town, btw.)

my del.ici.us - bookmarks so far

I guess, they are arranged by date added? ...
anyway, I have been hesitant about del.ici.us and it took me a while to get myself to actually use it but now I am hooked!

so, here my delicious bookmarks so far:

Gothamist

new york blog

IDontLikeYouInThatWay.com

fun celebrity news

IconExperience - professional icons

icons clipart windows style

NPR : Public Radio Programs

npr - all shows

NinaWills on 43 Things

43 things, live without regrets, etc.

Odeo Studio

record your own stuff online

Pandora Internet Radio - Find New Music, Listen to Free Web Radio

an online radio-system that learns the kind of music you like (enter the song or artist you like and the pandora will start playing stuff it thinks you might like, too). then you can micromanage, if you want..and give each song that plays a thumbs up or d

PayScale - Salary Survey, Salaries, Wages, Compensation Information and Analysis

compare your salary

Pixelgirl Presents Free Icons, Desktops and Gallery Shop!

free icons

Planearium.de presents: SP-Studio.de

create your own southpark character

Prozentrechnung Rechner Berechnung - Prozent berechnen - Prozent-Rechner Prozente Online Beispiel - sengpielaudio

prozent berechnen

Revised Design for 9/11 Memorial Saves Many Features and Lowers Cost - New York Times

comment to Lower Manhattan Development Corporation -only open for public comments for one week (starting June20)

Schicken Sie Blumen mit EuroFlorist - Sträuße, Blumen, Topfpflanzen, Trauerschmuck und Gebinde.

1800 flowers a la Austria

Scientific American: The Expert Mind

interesting article on expertise (by taking chess-masters as an example). ... complicated description... good article

Search 50 Stock Photography, Stock Photos, and Footage Vendors, as well as Royalty Free Clip Art, Illustrations, and Clipart Images

good clipart, good photostock, quality agency links, lots of royalty free stuff, too

Six Apart

awardwinning blogging tools for everyone

Sneek a peek at the Beardshalls

mama blog, twins, usa blog

WEB2.0 Application index

all the web2.0 apps u can think of (categorized)

WNYC - The Brian Lehrer Show

brian lehrer show - link to npr

WidSets Beta

rss feeds for ur mobile

Wohnzimmer Records - Artists

cool music

XE.com - The Universal Currency Converter ®

currency converter

Zillow.com - Your Edge in Real Estate

estimate the value of your home (apparently accurate within 10% of the real selling price)

insignificant thoughts

another bronx blogger

itzle

surf the net with your friends (as little virtually-walking characters)

leonard lopate show

npr - ny public radio

script.aculo.us - web 2.0 javascript

ajax scripts of all kinds

sitemap of web 2.0 applications

all there is to web 2.0, sites that let your heart beat faster

webcam times square

times square webcams

webcams worldwide (nyc)

nyc webcams

zulugrid: False Identity Generator

for all those forms online you don't really want to fill (with your own info)

the overwhelming task of customization

I was looking for something (I don't remember what anymore)...and decided to costumize the Google Search Page real quick.
HA! real quick, my a**...I spent like 45 minutes looking at all these modules one can add. My always so beloved google page (beloved for it's speed of loading) now takes about 5 minutes to come up (I should edit a bit more. maybe take out all the webcam links).

here a few odd module selections:
- shakespearean insulter
- google: evil or not?
- here lies (- an interactive tombstone ..i think I know what I am going to put to rest there;))
- disinformation (why?)
- fuzzy clock (half past four)
- US bra size calculator



when the modules (after 15 pages or so) started to come up with Russian and Swedish titles I was finally able to pull myself away..;)

speaking of which. i gotta hit the sack.
my days are crazy lately. (lately?...sisi who are u kidding? u r going to get urself an ultzer.)
OK, now...I am starting to talk to myself (in chat-language), so I really better get going.
nite-nite. xx:)

just my luck...

went to the movies with D yesterday. sneak preview (which turned out to be ironically titled "just my luck"...ironically, as you will conclude from the following entry.)

so, here in Austria (Vorarlberg, at least) the movie-tickets you buy are - like in the theater - assigned seats. when we got to our row and our places, Dario sat down next to the pretty girls, while I got stuck with the seat next to the questionably looking guy with the long untaimed hair, the too-tight pants, and generally of a rather hippiesque appearance. I stood there for a few seconds, contemplating whether I should make D move over into the "man-section" but then decided to just take the risk and settle. I can't tell you the relief, when I sat down.

Ahh, thank God the man has showered today, I thought. (which is not to be taken for granted here. YES, the stereo-type is true..and I cannot believe, I never noticed before. There are many people - especially men - that just do not shower every day and I am suffering I tell you. suffering. especially now, that it is like 85° every day, and the infrastructure here still doesn't include airconditioning everywhere.)

Unfortunately, I was almost instantly punished for my jugmental thoughts.
The minute the movie started, I noticed a pungent smell coming from my left. I had to dig my nose into Dario's shirt to escape the momentary gas-chamber simulation by my seat-neighbor's flatulence.
It was horrible. Every few minutes he let another one rip. At the end of the movie he really didn't care anymore. He literally lifted his ass and let it rattle. eeeewwwhhh!

Dario on the other hand was happy, I think. I was never so close and affectionate with him during a movie. My head was on his shoulder almost the entire time (to allow for quick but discreet escape from gaseous torture).

help pick a new name for my blog

i have decided that I am nothing like carrie bradshaw (the previous title of my blog was: I feel like Carrie Bradshaw...if she were a mama) - I am not hip; I don't have a crazy shoe-fetish..in fact, I hate high-heels; Sex and the city references are kinda obsolete by now; I am no twiggy-sized cutsie-cute Manhattanite (of course, the Twiggy reference is even older than the Sex and the City one); and I am certainly not getting "around" like that... so I have just renamed my blog to this lame line (see new headline above).
feedback is wanted.

other options for a new name:
A) mamas are women first
B) mamas are people, too
C) mama what?
D) bitching mama
(like the url)
E) a bit schizo
F) Austria-New York and back
G) getting wiser - or not.
(I actually like that one!)

Too bad I can't do polls on blogger. I'd be polling.
must check my new favorite url for a tool. maybe I'll find something to embed:
www.categoriz.com.
;)

have a look where we live now

so this is about 20 min. going up into the area behind our house. It is called the Bregenzer Wald. This particular village is Schwarzenberg...well, it's the edge of Schwarzenberg. This is Maia on the video, btw. She always insists wearing long evening gowns for hiking (well, at any occasion, for that matter. what can I say. she is 4 years old. you have to force them into pants at this age, it seems.)

why men never remember and women never forget

Listen to this first.

if this is true, then I must have more testosterone in me than I thought, for I seem to have a specific problem remembering the bad stuff. you might think I'm nuts claiming this, especially if you know my blog (and come to think of it: considering the name of my blog), but it is true. There are a few traumatic events I remember but generally I focus on the good.
Best example is my whole (very one-sided) friendship drama (see previous posts). If I had any "talent" of remembering the bad, I would totally put this shit behind me and have no desire to speak to these people ever again. Somehow, my brain, however, chooses to focus on the good in people. This makes me generally a very forgiving person. Revenge is a foreign concept to me.

Well, I guess, this isn't a bad thing. This has kept me good friendships over decades..and we all know friendships don't always come easy.

and so we went to see a Verdi opera...

the whole week I was wondering why I had volunteeringly bought tickets to the opening of Verdi's Troubadour and was secretly hoping our babysitter wouldn't show up, just so we don't have to sit through a two-and-a-half hour long opera. It was your typical "on-sale-panic" ... something goes on sale and you suddenly feel overcome by the urge to buy, even though you have absolutely no use for said item....you just apply the general and all-covering principle of the motto "one never knows" and you're good to go. Little did I know that my neighbor got tickets to the same opera for almost half of the bargain I paid.

anyway, so I dragged Dario with me and was despised for it for most of the evening. not only did I keep him with my "culture" from his all-day-anticipated game at home but I also exposed him to millions of bugbites and a dozen arias, which nobody understood a word of.
once in a while he threw me a quick mercy-translation of what he picked up (since it was sung in Italian), although, I think, I always got the ghetto version of what was said. (eg. D: that lady, who is stumbling around like a drunk by the way, sure has a lot to say. me: she isn't stumbling around like a drunk she is being dramatic....what'd she say? D: basically...that payback is a bitch.
;) I think he kinda brought the piece to the point with that statement, for I finally couldn't take it anymore and against all opera-proper behavior pulled out a newspaper, where I had seen a short description of the plot earlier. the story is so complicated I had to read the plot three times. when my seat neighbor asked me for the paper I knew, I wasn't the only one who had no clue what the hell was going on on stage. I still don't know what a Troubadour really is, though.

Must remember for next opera trip:

a) leave work early so there is still time to eat dinner, change work-clothes, brush crazy hair from drive home, and to put on make-up.

b) leave on time (as to not be stared at while making an entire row of people rise during the first act so you can get your fat, underdressed, and particularly late ass to your seat).

c) also, to be on time: try not to invite people over at the same time you are supposed to leave the house (an old friend of mine had spontaneously called and I had invited him over for a quick update and a house-tour. in my defense, I thought it was an hour earlier than it really was.)

d) tickets (forgot them at first)

e) there is an embarrassing difference in size between regular binoculars and opera binoculars.

f) PREPARE. know what your going to see. preferably in detail, for those arias are looong and if you don't know what the heck they're saying you will get bored pretty quickly. An opera isn't a blockbuster. The story usually is strong and dramatic but the performance is no action-crazy on-the-edge-of-your-seat kinda series of events.

but seriously, now. it wasn't bad at all. the arias were a bit long sometimes but the sun-set atmosphere was great (it's a set built on the lake of Constance), the music was really not what I expected (beautifully played by the Vienna Philharmonics), and Dario agreed that he did actually like it, after all.
I feel a little bit smarter now. ;) ... just kidding. of course, this wasn't the first opera I've seen (I have actually been in an opera once...with a small supporting non-singing (!) role)... but I really do think it's good to feed your brain something else once in while. something that isn't so easy to digest, as everything else in nowadays' short attention-span driven society.

over the hedge

went out to the movies with D yesterday. Over The Hedge was our movie of choice, ...mostly because it was the only choice. Did I mention the two-week cycle of English movie night in the Cineplexx here?
Anyway, it was great. Haven't had that many laughs in a while. ;)
D liked it, too, and he usually tries to ridicule me (if ridicule can be used as a verb), because I like "cartoons". It's not a "cartoon", I always argue, it's an "animation", which I try to sell as something with more class.
Of course,...I do like cartoons, too. ;) Mostly the classics, though..., ...except for printed cartoons/comix. of those I like the more modern ones better (eg boondocks, get fuzzy, calvin & hobbes, gary larson, etc.). ... like you care.

Anyway, I should be working and not blogging...so off I go.

oh, and I really am liking my thirties....the sex is getting better and better.
I just had a need to share that. it is not all down-hill from the day you turn 30. ;)...although, I am getting fatter...
and my eye-sight isn't all that..and my back is killing me...and...
yeah..ehm...I am not making my point very well,...so, I'm gonna go.

laterz, as my friend tricky would say.

maybe not that happy after all? or maybe just a bit schizo.

unless you can break down crying for no reason when you should be "happy" (or thought you were) then I might be not so happy, after all. I guess it is the fact that I am close to a burn-out. My job is demanding to no end, I have lots of responsibilities but no power, and to top it all off I feel like I am always one fighting against the masses. Everybody seems to hate, blame, and criticize the projectmanager...or do I have to say ME, the projectmanager. sigh.
I am now racing between two company locations and my work-load has doubled. Of course, at home I still have to do a juicy part of the workload (kids and household stuff), so I think, I will soon have reached the point where I would like to bungeejump off a bridge.

Fact is that no matter how happy I am to be out of the big city, I miss my friends in New York badly. I mean, I have good friends here but they are just not as accessible as, for example, my friend Rosa who lived upstairs from me, or my friend Marta who sat in the office next-door to me. I underestimated how valuable such daily venting about little crap can be.
I just don't have this now and the added stress of being the sole provider of our existence isn't making this any easier.

so, and now I have to get back to work. another set of over-time.
and tomorrow I am supposed to be at work at 7:30 ..HA HA!

if you now read the next (i.e. previous post) you'll think I'm schizo. and if you know my blog then you probably have been thinking that for a while now. ;)

happiness?

I've been wondering, whether I am content with my decision of having moved to Austria or not and I haven't found the definitive answer until just a few days ago, when someone told me to ask myself, where I feel more at peace and I knew that answer was "here" (in Vorarlberg).
Nevertheless, I seem to have an inner turmoil about this. Maybe it is my rebellious self, the one that called all the shots in my "younger" years. The reason I might have been insecure about my decision is that my rebellious self has been (and still is) confusing me by telling me that I am not supposed to feel content in this "godforsaken place" - as I would have referred to it in my youth.
I am supposed to yearn for the big city, the vibrant melting-pot I loved for so long. Instead, I find myself happy with the fact that I have to fight no traffic, that I can park whereever I please, that my kids can roam around carefree, and that every night I can watch a different sunset over the lake of Constance, right from the convenience of my terrace.



Of course, not all is happy and dandy. Today, for example, I realized that I think I am in the wrong career. I was sitting in a room full of people who were willing to put in 15 hours a day, because they really love their job. I, on the other hand, feel resentful for every extra hour I have to spend in my office (which there are many of - hours, I mean). And then I remembered when I last had this passion about a job (working 24hour days sometimes). This was during my days at the film-production, I used to work for.
I was 18 and shamelessly exploited there but, nevertheless, I have never found more joy in a job. It is a field full of creativity and interesting people. Of course, you meet your regular idiots and a-holes but all in all it is a fun business.
Unfortunately, this realization is coming kinda late. How the hell would I pull such a career-change off now? Especially in Vorarlberg. HA HA!

Well, one can't have everything in life and thus I am going to focus on the things that make me happy.

faux pas and other rants

today I walked into an optician's store (or was it an ophthalmologist?) to get my glasses fixed. behind the counter was a - what my friend Vern would call "foxy" -girl. I estimated her age about 10 years less than what I lug around.
She fixed my glasses (the frames) for free and curious about further ophthalmological treatment I asked her where the doctor is.
I am the doctor, she replied dryly.
Oh, I began to stutter, I'm sorry. sure. it's just that you know how it is when you reach that age..we are really getting older...everyone is looking so young to me now..(thinking: oh no, did I just tell her she is old?) ...I mean,..ehm..it's just that your shirt (thinking your boobs)...
it's ok, she tried to save me from my sad twirl-down (note the sophisticated choice of words here: twirl-down. ..there must be a better term to describe this. but like so often, I am tired and semi-braindead and thus way too tired to look up synonyms, never mind THINk of a synonym.)

---------

there are no English movies here in Vorarlberg. Except for Sneak-Preview night every two weeks. I am really starting to suffer under the movie-going-deficit. we actually drive over to Switzerland sometimes to see a U.S.movie undubbed.
Well, it's not like it's a much further drive than it used to be in New York City. 40 min. and no traffic is not too bad.
-----------

damn, I am trying to post this and the blogger server(s?) is (are) just reaally slow right now. Assuming that most bloggers on blogger.com are Americans, probably old enough to work, I am wondering: What the hell are these people doing? YOU SHOULD BE WORKING over there! it is 2:55pm. ;) What are you doing blogging?
Don't you love my mathematical/statistical ambitions lately? I love making assumptions for the sake of a good (pointless) running of the mind. ... must stop that, as not to sound like a dumba**.

campaign for the 1-second film

Since this is the second time I am watching this video with amusement, I thought it is worth to share (i.e. blog). Fun for the movie buffs, anyway.

I have moved on

I am happy to report that I think I have now officially moved on from the sh*t I've been obsessed with for the past couple of months. Those of you who read my blog regularly know what I am talking about, for others: it's just another stupid woman obsessed by illusion of man story.

The amazing thing about my having moved on is that it happened with the help of Dario. He just put things in perspective for me. Really brought me back to earth, and reality for that matter.
It happened a few days ago, when we went out on another one of our rather frequent dates lately (this rediscovering-your-old-relationship crap really works!)
We went out on our bicycles, explored the old parts of the state capital (Bregenz. looked at buildings dating back to the 13th century), went out for a long dinner (sat and talked for hours in that garden cafe), and then had the best sex since...hmm..yes..ever.

forgetful thinking

I have reached a degree of forgetfulness, which I find depressing and at the same time fascinating enough to blog.
...you won't believe this but I just forgot what I wanted to write.....
this is disconcerting.
...
ok. now I've got it.
it's my missing car radio story. Every day since I have my little Golf Rabbit (the one with the insane mileage on it) I am telling myself that I must remember to go online and get a radio. So, I actively think about this task for the whole quiet ride to and from work, every day 10-15 min. each way.
Let's see, ... I have the car for about a month now, maybe more...but let's say 30 days. That's 30x2=60 (I am not factoring in the weekends or the extra rides inbetween). This simple calculation brings me to the realization that I have now effectively forgotten this task 60 consecutive times, even though I am reminded TWICE every day. This is a very very sad state of mind, I must say.

---------------
if I hear one more Reggeaton song I'm going to have a fit (this is all D listens to right now...and literally: Right NOW). and when I cleaned the floors today (after a long day of work), I came to the conclusion that when Dario says he "vacuumed today", he also counts the times when he rolled out the vacuum to pick up the little bit of rice he spilled over by the dishwasher. ...the carpets were filthy I tell you. disgusting. Looks like I'm going to have to throw in that "second shift" after all.

floods

Hope you guys back home (yes, now I feel like "back home" refers to New York) are ok!



Photo by James Estrin (New York Times)

Click here for the Article.

guess who's a failure

this is quite funny.. ;)
go to www.google.com ...type in the word failure and click on "I'm feeling lucky".

Better try this now. Who knows, Google might get paranoid and take it off, which -really - would be kinda sad.

if I had a cool links list this would be on it

www.pandora.com
LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT

an online radio-system that learns the kind of music you like (enter the song or artist you like and the pandora player will start playing stuff it thinks you might like, too). then you can micromanage, if you want..and give each song that plays a thumbs up or down.

first artists name I entered: sam phillips

topless bathing is out isn't it?

D and I biked to a lake this weekend. We packed our backpack for like a half an hour, wanting to be prepared for the trip of which we thought will take about an hour. We covered the kids in sunscreen, filled our bike bottles with water, checked the tire pressure,...the works.
Then it took us about 15 minutes to get there.
We had no idea how close we were to that lake.

When we approached the water, I spotted a woman wearing only a bikini-bottom. Hey, I said to D, look it’s your first topless woman! ;)(I was referring to the European costum of stripping down to nothing when near any body of water.) Dario glanced over and then straightened his gaze again in appropriate matter. We dropped our bags, and I decided that I’ll go get the bikes, which we had parked unlocked at the other side of the lake (which by the way, is really more of a pond).
No five minutes had passed until I returned and Dario was already happily chatting with the topless chick.
I broke into laughter just because I found this to be too funny. I couldn’t stop laughing and didn’t want to offend the girl, so I just settled down a few feet away from them.
When D came over to explain that she was the one who started talking to him, I nodded seriously and in agreement.
The girl came over to me later, as well. I don't know how people (women who like to sunbathe topless - in public) do it. How can you talk to someone with your top off and not worry that really they have no idea what you're saying because they're too busy staring at your breasts. Maybe it's a good diversion tactic. If you're not happy with your face, just take your top off and any guy will be happy to talk to you.
But what I really have to get used to is the fact that men strip, too. There you are, innocently taking your kids for a stroll along the Blue Danube, and BAM - there's a naked man on the grass next to you.
Lots of getting used to to do.
;)

daily rant

for days it has been sunny and hot here now, and every time I want to die when I get into my car after work, for it feels like a sauna on wheels (need I bring up the 253.000 miles again? well, usually a car with that many miles -aka years- on it doesn't come with an A/C, unless it's an American car maybe.)

anyway,...so today...was the ONE day I thought, hmm, let's prevent post-labor heatstroke by leaving the windows open. Unfortunately, I forgot about the fact that Austrian (ie. Vorarlbergian) weather can never be trusted. Sunshine is always just a tease and I fell for it. Two days it was gorgeous and that seemed to be enough already. The rain came in a storming, torrential kinda way. Filled up the inside door-compartments of my car and soaked every single seat to the steel below it.
Good thing I work for a media company now. I seem to always carry all newspapers of the week with me, although I never really get around to actually read them. Well, they soaked through immediately and I am looking forward to the mold smell, which will surely develop in my beloved vehicle - just give it a few days.

Oh well, at least there might be a chance that the mold smell will finally outdo the overwhelmingly nauseating cow-dung-smell that's been part of the air here since our arrival in April. Actually, I've been told the farmers here now use penguin excrements instead of cow menure to fertilize the fields. This would explain the exponentially worse smell. I don't recall this kind of intensity of odor and I grew up here.

the things I would do...

no, this is not a dirty post if that's what you think...
this is my personal to-do-list, also called "the wishlist":
Here it goes:

x sh*t now I can't remember anything. ... so maybe I should first wish for
x a functional brain.

x write a sit-com (yeah, whatever. .... actually, to tell the truth, I really wanted to write an episode for the Gilmore Girls but I was almost too embarrassed to write that down, for I am convinced most readers of my blog probably despise (spelling?) that show. Anyway, I identify with the mother - quirky, caffeine-addicted, overanalytical, can't fit into the small-town life she loves regardless, etc.
Unfortunately, unlike Lorelei Gilmore, I can't eat anything I want (although, lately it seems that I think I can and have thus been getting fatter. <- was that even an English sentence? ...I guess, the real reason I won't be writing for TV is not because I don't find time but because I can't write for sh*t. Also, I really wouldn't be able to talk "ghetto" like that.

x set up a blog for my friend Johannes' "message". He is sort of an unvoluntary psychic and once in a while he gets very strong "contact", or whatever you want to call it, from the other side. This might sound stupid to you, specially if you don't believe in this kind of stuff, but I know this man for a long time and he is not only very sane but also very balanced in his life. He doesn't make up sh*t like that.
Anyway, he has sent me this document of a message/revelation/whatever it is he had about a year ago. It is about Ground Zero and its future. When I read that message my heart began to beat faster and I began to tremble. It is so detailed and so strong that I just have to translate it (from German to English)...and I thought to do that via a separate blog might be the best way, since it gives room for feedback.

xWrite a letter to Carla (that I miss her). [now that item on my list is so complicated to approach - on so many levels - that I really don't see it happening. Plus, as Rosa said (quite disillusioning) to her I will probably just always remain that "bitch". For details on this story see this post and its comments:
no more turning back now (april)

x Direct or/and act in a movie. (ok. now that should be on 43things.com ...under things I will realistically never get to do in this lifetime. sad. sad.)

x Open up an Import/Export business. (The main motivation here is to get all the stuff I miss from the US over here. I am approaching the bottom of my last Dunkin Donuts coffeebag. Panic is taking over. I need bigger sized Mudd Jeans (all my 2-s and 5-s are now officially history). I had a very depressing evening yesterday, sorting through my clothes...

x Put all my extra photos on Flickr.

x dust

x install my car radio

x Back-up my computer

x ok. obviously I can't remember any significant to-do items at this point. It is now 1:27 a.m. (MEZ ..i.e. Middle European Timezone) and I am beginning to fade...

I don't quite qualify

So, I was thinking of joining the blogging mommies ring (www.bloggingmommies.com).

I gave that up really quickly after reading rule number two:

General Rules
2. No flames, hostility, whining, complaining or excessive negativity.

How the hell can you write a sincere mother's blog and not be hostile, whine, complain and be negative? That's like a paradox, isn't it?

Oh well, I probably wouldn't have done well in a mommie's network anyway. Bitching Mama... somehow that just doesn't seem to fit in.

PS: I woke up from a bad nightmare this morning. .... I suddenly found out I was 35 weeks pregnant! ....ahhhh. pregnancy would be one of the most unfortunate (not tragical) things, which could possibly happen right now. Besides the fact that I am the sole provider at the moment (i.e. can't be out for childbearing reasons), I really don't want any extra kids at the moment.
At the same time, I know that I would be unable to terminate a pregnancy, as much as I am a pro-choice kinda woman. Not after almost not having Nayla. I can't imagine not having had her (hmm, grammar?) and I am infintely grateful for the influences that in the end (at the last moment, so to say) kept me from terminating.

Maia wants to go home to NY

Today as I was driving home from my dad's house Maia suddenly got angry in the backseat and whined: Mum, I don't like Austria anymore. I wanna go home. Take me to the airport right now.
Me: Take you to the airport right now?
Maia: Yes.
Me:Why don't you like Austria, baby?
Maia: It always rains and nobody speaks German.
Me: But that's not true. There are plenty of people who speak English. ...and wouldn't you miss your grandma and grandpa...and your new friends here?
Maia: I don't care. I wanna see my old friends. From my old school.

Finally, I gave up (or realized that I should be validating her feelings) and told her I missed NY, too, but that Austria - while very rainy - is also very beautiful.
And just then, God tore open the clouds and bathed us in a warming sunlight. SUUN, baby screamed! ;)

I am not making this up. And I am saying God, because it had been raining for WEEKS until this very moment of Maia's sadness.

live without regrets

I am going to stop listening to music, I've decided.
It just wakes emotions and I am sick and tired of the whole emotional crap. What happened to my good old "Nothing can break me-because really I just give a shit"-attitude? .......... It probably never really existed.
So, but ...I've realized now since I have no radio in my new going-to-work car (the Golf with the 253.000 miles on it) that it really is all for the better. It gives me time to think without getting all sentimental. No songs that remind me of my homesickness, lost friendships, or anything in the past.

I am, of course, looking for a carradio on ebay so really, I am just bullshitting with this whole "who needs music"-bit. ;)

I am trying hard not to make a sappy bitching entry. Despite the title of my blog I am trying to live by a new motto: I want to live without regrets.

I found this website called 43 things. It's pretty cool.
And maybe I'll find some inspiration.
This is where I got my above mentioned new motto from:
http://www.43things.com/people/progress/NinaWills/3039422

cheers!

getting dumber every year

Unlike the people captured in the above statistic, I think, I am getting dumber by the minute....but definitely dumber every year.
My short-term memory is completely shot, and things I used to figure out real quickly, I now don't get at all.
I wonder what it is. Is it my lack of studying? Is it the long non-challenging period I stuck with my last job?
Is it the lack of sleep, the crappy food I eat? Or am I just inevitably getting older and dumber? There must be ways to stop this degeneration of my braincells.
I even bought a mind-exercising book. Don't remember the name of it right now. ...sigh...as you can see it works very well.

The sad truth is that I am too damn lazy to do stuff I find an unneccessary waste of time. Like Sudoku. What the hell is the hype about?
I even suck at the kiddie sudoku Maia is playing (...the same thing but with images instead of numbers). I just lack the enthusiasm.

No, but seriously. I am too tired for all this but at the same time I am very frustrated about it.
At night, I fall into bed so exhaustedly that I am happy if I can keep my eyes open long enough to read for at least 5 minutes.

Reading Vanishing Point at the moment. Excellent novel, btw.